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By nosy ass bitch! - 30/03/2022 16:00

Today, my classmate overheard me on the phone making an appointment at the women’s health center. The dumb bitch told everyone I was going to the clinic for STD treatment. I was scheduling my biopsy for a lump in my breast. FML

agreeclassic 1 321

vote type 1 105

Sore loser

By Anonymous - 10/01/2021 15:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, after graduating from the same program, I was offered several jobs, while my boyfriend wasn’t. He couldn’t be happy for me, saying, "She got in with the right people, and they just keep handing her jobs," and dismissing my work ethic. FML

agreeclassic 1 310

vote type 1 173

Suit yourself

By Anonymous - 24/06/2023 03:00 - Germany

Today, I offered my boyfriend medicine which is quite likely to help with his pollen allergy and other health problems, free of charge, and without side effects. I also pointed out an easy fix to keep the pollen out of his apartment. He said, “No thanks” to both, and just kept on complaining. FML

agreeclassic 776

vote type 1 151

Cheeky bastard

By Anonymous - 22/04/2022 16:00

Today, a guy tried to take a picture up my skirt, so I loudly confronted him. Just as loudly, he called me a liar because who’d want an "up-skirt of a whale" like me. No one else on the train tried to help me, and I could tell from their dirty looks they agreed with the pervert 100%. FML

agreeclassic 1 366

vote type 1 338

Dancing With The Stares

By Travolta - 20/05/2019 02:13

Today, I was at a party and I danced. Judging by people's stares, I should never ever attempt it again. FML

agreeclassic 1 673

vote type 1 311

Coming and going

By Anonymous - 10/07/2023 09:00 - Pakistan

Today, my fiance of 6 years, who was estranged for 10 months during which time our wedding was naturally called off, came back, and after much convincing got a second chance. Within two weeks of taking it slow, he asked if I had been faithful after he'd abandoned me. A "yes" wasn't enough. He's disappeared again. FML

agreeclassic 729

vote type 1 307

Call the cops

By Matt Steele - 04/02/2021 14:01

Today, after they said being a dad is fun, after saying that you got to do things when you were a kid… Well now, I'm at the lost and found of the city, asking, "Have you seen my kid?" FML

agreeclassic 578

vote type 1 533

By lalala2494 - 27/05/2019 22:05

Today, I said, "Bless you" when someone sneezed on television. That's how lonely I am. FML

agreeclassic 1 683

vote type 1 227

Modern life is rubbish

By Anonymous - 18/05/2022 22:00

Today, despite the fact of learning I'm now over 300 pounds, causing a major blow to my self-esteem, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband if he wanted a blowjob. Unfortunately, he's trying out new mental meds and they've killed his sex drive. FML

agreeclassic 992

vote type 1 560

Right place, wrong person

By Anonymous - 11/02/2021 05:01

Today, I came home and heard a noise in the bathroom. I figured it was my girlfriend, so I went over and as the door closed, I told her not to close the door as I've seen her beautiful body before. Turns out it was our roommate. FML

agreeclassic 322

vote type 1 1 157

Hoarders

By juggalo2 - 19/07/2023 12:00

Today, my wife can barely contain her rage at me for throwing out her collection of unique glass bottles, which she was saving for gifting and decoration. I'd feel more guilt if she hadn't been storing them in a box underneath our sink mixed with recyclables. FML

agreeclassic 867

vote type 1 210

Doesn't matter, had sex

By Anonymous - 22/07/2023 21:00 - United States - Elmira

Today, I had sex with someone new for the first time after my 10 year relationship ended. The person was a friend who had been making serious sexual references toward me on and off over the year I've known him. I don't know if I'm more embarrassed that he couldn't keep it up, or that I came from anticipation anyways. FML

agreeclassic 1 011

vote type 1 318

By disappointment son - 19/05/2017 12:00

Today, I caught and kicked a shoplifter out of my store. The shoplifter was my mom. FML

agreeclassic 3 506

vote type 1 250

College life is hell

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 05:01

Today, my crush came up to me at a college party and said "I like you." I tried to be cool and said sarcastically, "Thank you. I like myself too. That was a wonderful prank." He was amazed, and asked me how I knew it was a prank. FML

agreeclassic 1 484

vote type 1 252

Gentle prank

By Anonymous - 17/02/2021 22:58 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my little sister swapped out the hard white cheese on the meat-cheese platter with slices of white chocolate and put some Skittles into the bowl of M&M's. My limited circle of friends and family in our safe social pandemic bubble think it was me. FML

agreeclassic 627

vote type 1 110

Weird family

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 08:01 - United States - Gloucester

Today, my dad asked my mom to flash him. He didn't forget I was in the room, he just couldn't be bothered to wait. My mom obliged. FML

agreeclassic 1 208

vote type 1 170

What's so funny?

By Puleksy - 14/08/2023 14:00 - Poland - Brzeg

Today, I said to my significant other, "I think I'm a pretty good catch." She started laughing so heavily that tears came out of her eyes. FML

agreeclassic 699

vote type 1 228

Inactive

By inbogota - 06/03/2021 15:30 - Colombia

Today, I had the most action in months when I woke up to a wet dream. I'm married, I guess that tells you all about my sex life. FML

agreeclassic 1 034

vote type 1 179

Work it!

By Anonymous - 21/08/2023 22:00 - Germany

Today, my man said, "If you get more sore from your workouts than from having sex with me, I’m gonna cry!" Uhm… I do serious weight training, and in bed we both enjoy the missionary position, so… sorry for your ego, Honey. FML

agreeclassic 531

vote type 1 167

What are you doing, human?

By Anonymous - 30/04/2022 02:00

Today, my husband and I were starting to get freaky. He was rubbing himself on my lady parts and I looked over to my side where my dog was intensely following my man’s junk with her eyes. I laughed so hard I farted, peed myself, and broke a cup in under 5 minutes. FML

agreeclassic 1 017

vote type 1 538

Wakey wakey

By gumbymn - 17/03/2021 00:30

Today, I asked Alexa to turn on my baby's white noise machine. Instead, she started playing Pharrell Williams's "Happy" while the baby was asleep. FML

agreeclassic 758

vote type 1 405

Once you pop…

By Anonymous - 11/06/2022 00:00

Today, while I was trying to put on my deodorant, the whole stick popped out when I took the cap off, narrowly missing my face, into the toilet. FML

agreeclassic 786

vote type 1 107

Bad encounter

By Anonymous - 06/09/2023 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex stuck it in the wrong hole because he couldn’t find the right one, then he sucked my toes. I'm never going near another man again after that. FML

agreeclassic 443

vote type 1 276

By Jeff - 02/08/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, after a stay at the hospital for two broken legs, I finally got home and attempted to relax. My dad went to hand me the remote and dropped it right on my nuts. FML

agreeclassic 1 664

vote type 1 143

This is wrong on so many levels

By Anonymous - 10/09/2023 18:30

Today, I noticed my new boyfriend barely touches me casually, unless I initiate, and even then he’ll pull away fairly quickly. Apparently his dad told him about "fake rape accusations", even from women you’re dating, so he’s scared to touch me now. FML

agreeclassic 551

vote type 1 170

Mom! Stop!

By Anonymous - 07/08/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up to my drunk mom trying to pee in the dresser drawer of our hotel, with my clothes in it. I woke up right in time to yell at her. Pants down and all. She started denying there were even clothes in there. FML

agreeclassic 1 832

vote type 1 126

I'm too old for this

By anon - 08/06/2022 22:00

Today, my parents lectured me about how my girlfriend will ruin my life, because she's a single mom, a recovering alcoholic, and has chronic health issues. Apparently, I should be with their friend's rude, trashy daughter, who can't keep a job, and goes on a drunken, drug-fueled bender every other week. I'm 31. FML

agreeclassic 957

vote type 1 186

Seize the means of production

By Anonymous - 30/05/2022 10:00

Today, despite my ability to generate the company around £300,000 a year, I'm paid roughly £28,000 and yet I just discovered the new hire, who still hasn’t finished her training, has been given a starting salary of £35,000, which will rise to £40,000 after her training. FML

agreeclassic 1 134

vote type 1 140

Another betrayal

By Anonymous - 14/03/2025 07:00 - United States - Niles

Today, I found out that my fiance has been cheating on me. We have an 8 month-old baby together. I've been trying to help him get sober again and have done my best to be a great partner, but apparently some other girl is more important than the family he was creating. FML

agreeclassic 607

vote type 1 137

American Psycho

By Anonymous - 19/06/2022 16:00

Today, I visited my son at work and found his secretary in the foetal position under her desk, crying. According to my son, she does that sometimes when he yells at her for making basic mistakes. My god, I’ve raised a high-powered corporate monster. Fuck that poor girl's life and also, FML

agreeclassic 983

vote type 1 1 230

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Today, I called in sick for the first time. My boss said that if I didn’t show up, not only would he fire me, but he’d make sure I never find another job for the rest of my life. So I showed up to work with a bucket, puking every five minutes. My boss still made me stay the full nine hours. FML

agreeclassic 1 830

vote type 1 147

Today, my room mate told all of our mutual friends that he had walked in on me doing woodwork in my room. They all thought he meant he had caught me rubbing one out. I'm actually building a guitar. FML

agreeclassic 52 420

vote type 1 3 680

Today, I was stood up on a date. Her excuse? "I had to work out." FML

agreeclassic 29 221

vote type 1 3 577

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

agreeclassic 44 052

vote type 1 6 546

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed with a pedestal fan on facing us when my boyfriend sneezed. Where did he sneeze? Into the fan, which then sprayed it all over my face. FML

agreeclassic 28 306

vote type 1 3 976

Today, I received a DM on Facebook, from a woman I've never heard of, saying, "Eric X's wife says HI." She goes on to say that she is going to find me, and ruin my life the way I have ruined hers. I've never even heard of Eric X and am happily engaged. FML

agreeclassic 34 432

vote type 1 2 468