Today, my son broke his arm roughhousing with his brother on a bunk bed. While at the ER, he thought it would be funny to tell a different story to each doctor and nurse, forcing me to speak over him. They found this behavior "suspicious" and reported us to child services. FML
Today, I haven't heard from my girlfriend for over a week, after being in a relationship for 7 years with her. She'd called me, saying she had to care for her ex-husband because he had suffered a heart attack. Guess we're over. FML
Today, after I got a great job at my asking salary, my boss then quit without telling me my salary was maxed out. I learned this when, two years in a row, I got a 1% raise because I'm redlined. With inflation, my take-home pay has dropped by 15% in two years. FML
Today, a client walked into my store with a duck in her hands. I had to explain to her that she couldn't bring the bird shopping with her. We got a 1-star review. FML
Today, I watched a video of the absolute dumbest and most dangerous TikTok trends, and I practically lost all my faith in humanity. Then, when I remembered that almost all of these people are/were around my age (I'm eighteen), and whatever faith in humanity I had left after watching the video completely vanished. FML
Today, since we can’t go out due to the quarantine, my wife decided she wanted to shave my back with a razor. Two hours later, I have a sore back and I look like I'm wearing the front half of the worlds ugliest sweater vest. FML
Today, I woke up at the ungodly hour of 4AM to my cat clawing at my door and yelling at me. Normally I'd just wait until he stopped, but he was persistent, so I got up and opened the door to see what he wanted. He then corralled me to the laundry room. My dryer was on fire. Good boy. FML
Today, my family yelled at me for being a "selfish disappointment." My crime? Not being able to help my sister's boyfriend do his homework while I'm working on my class finals. FML
Today, I parked in a disabled bay so I could drop my son off at his appointment. My son uses crutches and has a blue badge. As I was trying to leave, an absolute Karen started chewing my ass for using a disabled bay while “not looking disabled”, then lay under my wheels to stop me leaving. FML
Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML
Today, my wife opted for a home birth with a nurse and her mother. Her mother is such a baby-feral, men-are-bastards, hippie feminist dragon that not only did she yell at me when I tried to be in the room, she has now pushed me out of the house. I ended up sat in my car with only one shoe and no phone. FML
Today, my cat woke me up at 3 a.m. by jumping from the shelf and landing on my nutsack. FML
Today, I was all set to attend my first renaissance faire ever. I took forever customizing the perfect costume and I couldn’t wait. My boyfriend on the other hand was pissed that it was too revealing, so he left me standing at the front gate, refused to give me my ticket, and went in without me. FML
Today, after losing my job and being quarantined alone, I realized I've gained quite a bit of weight due to depression. I decided to do something about it and walk around my neighborhood. A group of teens followed me laughing and hurling insults until I cried. FML
Today, it's been over 3 months since I've had a day off. I suppose that's what happens when you run someone else's business, run your own business, and have a child. I make $410 a week. Rent is $400. FML
Today, I found out the heartbreaking truth of why my husband won’t have sex with me. He cheated, got an STD, and is now waiting for it to clear up before he touches me again. When I confronted him, he flipped out and wrecked the house because I invaded his privacy by going into his phone. FML
Today, I was shopping with my husband. At the self-checkout, one of the items I was buying for him as a gift didn’t register. As we were walking out, I get stopped and escorted to the loss prevention office, where I was accused of stealing. FML
Today, my 3 year-old saw the stretch marks on my stomach and proudly exclaimed, "Bacon!" After talking with my husband, he admitted that he agreed with our son's evaluation. FML
Today, it's been four days since I told my husband how much I dislike the term "baby mama". It's also been four days since he started calling me "my baby mama". We don't even have kids. FML
Today, I was laying in bed when my sister came running in, scared. I took my bat and went into the kitchen where the suspicious noise was coming from. It was a rat, right in the middle of the floor. I jumped on the counter and shrieked, just as my girlfriend walked in, who then actually dealt with it. FML
Today, I washed all the dishes that had been piling in the sink over the week, and set them in the drying rack before I left for school. I came home to see that my dad’s girlfriend had put them back into the sink, along with her dirty dishes. She told me to re-wash them. Why? “They didn’t smell clean.” FML
Today, my ex asked me to take the kids for the day, which was odd as it's her weekend. My son let slip that she was getting ready for a surprise birthday party, but I wasn't supposed to know. As it's my birthday in 3 days, I was touched that she'd planned something. Turns out it's a surprise party for her new boyfriend. FML
Today, a customer told me it was bullshit we couldn't serve coffee because of the COVID restrictions, and added that the protests and riots happening are because people are bored. FML
Today, it's my 16th birthday. My parents forgot about it, and planned a weekend out of town. I was alone on my birthday. FML
Today, I picked up a carton of cigarettes for my stepfather from the store. He smokes the equivalent of nearly half my paycheck a fortnight. FML
Today, my friend received a package I sent her by mail. The package was already ripped open on arrival, two out of the three blouses I sent her were missing and a limited edition glass cup I sent her with the apparel was smashed. FML
Today, I sent my resumé to a former coworker to get some pointers, except that I sent it to his old work email account and now my boss knows I’m looking for a new job. FML
Today, I was carrying some bags out of a store, and my shirt had scooted up a little. I had no free hands, so I ignored it. A woman stopped me to tell me that bare midriffs are only attractive on skinny girls, "not fat ones." I'm 6 months pregnant. FML
Today, its been so long since I've been single, I’ve reached the age where I need Viagra just to masturbate since there’s no woman in my life to save the pills for. FML
Today, I’ve been battling an aggressive form of cancer for the past 3 years. Due to the financial strain, I started a GoFundMe. I’m grateful for what I got, but a friend also started one for her dog’s surgery and got thousands of dollars. Guess the dog is more important than my kids having a mom. FML
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