Kids: Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was... - FML

By whoopsiedoodle - Canada

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML

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Late term

Triage

Serious times

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I forgot to take my wallet off the roof of my car and drove away, onto the highway. A man behind me began flashing his lights and waving his arms. I thought he was freaking out because I cut him off. I flipped him off. He was trying to tell me that all my money was flying down the road. FML

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By Buyingagun

Take care

Today, I looked out the window just in time to see a coyote carrying off my cat that I had just let outside five minutes before. FML

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By Indoraptor - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

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By lunab123 - United States - Potomac

Today, I got a letter from my long time boyfriend asking me to meet him at the place we first met for a "surprise". I can't remember where that even is. FML

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By pkz - France

Today, I found out that my husband of five years was living a double life. He and his mistress have two children together and a third one on the way. He told me the only reason he stayed with me was for my money. I make about 8 dollars an hour and work two jobs to make ends meet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after practicing a song for my girlfriend on guitar all day, I called her over to my house to show it to her. After a long speech about how "this is for you," I played for about 3 seconds before I broke a string, which slapped her in her face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

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By KMack - United States

Today, I went to the allergist. I found out that I am allergic to dogs, cats, wool, fleece, and pet dander. I'm currently planning to go to school to become a veterinarian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

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By simply2010 - United States

Today, and every day, a homeless looking man walks into my work, sits down and stares. I'm new to the job so, trying to make new friends, when the guy walked in this time, I went over to a co worker I was really clicking with, and went off about how creepy he was. He replied with "Who, my dad?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

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By Titi14 - United States

Today, my best friend decided she wanted to tell my boyfriend about the time I pissed myself laughing at her house. When she was telling the story I ended up laughing so hard, that I pissed myself again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Des Moines

Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML

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By failure - United States - Shreveport

Today, my fiancée of 2 years and mother of my son, who is also pregnant with our second son, commented on how lucky two friends getting married were to have found each other. I said that we're just as lucky. She responded, "No. They actually love each other." FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

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By sickday

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

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By Uriyahu - United States

Today, a drunk driver crashed in through my living room wall. Not only that, but he managed to completely miss the first two houses on the block, which should have been a barrier before mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Easton

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

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By tehaustiebear - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to play Twister. Her parents watched us the whole time, making sure we didn't touch. FML

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By Flipside - United States

Today, as I was driving home, I saw a woman get hit by a car. I immediately parked on the side of the road to assist her. I called an ambulance and stayed with her until they came to get her, comforting her all the while. When I returned to my car, I found a parking ticket in my windshield. FML

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By Lee - United States

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparent's house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony... until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

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By Lady

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everyone that my fiancé and I are having a "shotgun wedding" because we plan to get married quickly. She didn't realize that means that the bride is pregnant, which I'm not. I have no idea what to do with the baby gifts I'm receiving. FML

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By Sash - United Kingdom

Today, I dressed up for a date. After waiting for hours, sending countless texts and voice mails to my date, and thinking I'd been stood up, I remembered my date is actually scheduled for tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - High Springs

Today, while working as a highway patrol officer, I pulled over my girlfriend for speeding and was required by law to ticket her. Another officer was with me, so I couldn't not ticket her without being reported. We share a joint account, so I basically ticketed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Harrison

Today, my boyfriend murmured his sister's name during sex. Before you say he was thinking of someone else with the same name, I've only ever met one person in our town called Nohemi. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 17:00

He got game

Today, my son told me he's had 5 boyfriends and is currently working to improve himself before getting into another relationship. When I was his age, I was still single. My son has more game than I do. FML

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By Notthemaid - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about how my fiancé has been ignoring me and that I didn't know why. Turns out, my mother told him that I was too much of a handful, was mentally disturbed and also cheating on him. Just so I wouldn't move out and would keep cleaning her house for free. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2021 22:01 - United States

Shave it off, own it!

Today, like any other day for a year, I'm 17 years-old. Today, like any other day, I have my hair styled in a combover because I'm bald. FML

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By Spoopy Flame III - 18/11/2020 17:02

Academia ain't for everyone

Today, after dropping a class for the first time ever in college in order to focus on raising my grades, I failed the test that I dropped another course to study for. By not finishing on time. After 3 days of studying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Landenberg

Today, I downloaded Grindr to my phone. It also downloaded to my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I passed a construction site. All of the workers started making a fuss and whistling, etc. Naturally, I got very flustered. I stood still for a second and faced them. One yelled for me to move because I was in the way of a girl at a stop light. FML

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By Adam - United States

Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Desperate nan

Today, I graduated from college with two undergrad degrees in biochem and wildlife biology, with high distinction. My mom told me she had found me a job at a petting zoo. I thought she was joking. She then said sternly, "I want grandkids. At least you will meet girls there." FML

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By xen - 20/12/2020 11:02

Catch 22

Today, while in a crowded store, someone tore my mask off my face and ran away. Then before I could run after them, I got stopped and screamed at for not wearing a mask. FML

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By anne - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML

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By novaguy - United States

Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML

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By trekkiewife - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my husband jokingly said to me, "I think you love Captain Kirk more than me." Without thinking, I said in a serious tone, "I think I do, too." FML

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By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 19/5/2021 02:00

Love is hell

Today, I found out the love of my life was talking to his ex. She chose to contact me, including screenshots of him begging her to, "Save me from this crazy bitch, she's trying to kill herself," while I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. I financially supported him through the pandemic. FML

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Top comments

By charlottex33 | 0

#217844 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:01

well...why weren't you wearing underwear?

By heywowmoo | 0

#217851 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:03

Maybe you should wear underwear- you're a mom!!

COMMENTS

By charlottex33 | 0

#217844 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:01

well...why weren't you wearing underwear?

Reply

MiGman | 5

#1006468 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 5:18

op that was totaly smooth

Reply

immazombeastxD | 0

#1099149 - Friday 16 July 2010 21:48

literally

Reply

murlocholmes | 5

#3220723 - Friday 2 September 2011 5:31

As people stared, she looked to her husband for comfort only to catch his big grin/wink combo....

By heywowmoo | 0

#217851 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:03

Maybe you should wear underwear- you're a mom!!

Reply

Mel_ham | 15

#7407729 - Friday 10 February 2017 5:05

That changes things?

By Bryan_Z | 0

#217857 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:06

OMFG LOL

Reply

bca101 | 0

#1061807 - Sunday 4 July 2010 7:20

bahahhaha ikr!

By peoc | 0

#217860 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:07

MILF!

By XblahhX | 0

#217862 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

f YOUR life?? f HIS life- hes the one who had to see you without your underwear!

By ddrluna | 2

#217865 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

That's disgusting, not having any underwear with a young child present like that. =

Surely you, as a mother, should know what's appropriate and what's not. You're not going on a hot date, you're going to a family dinner. Jesus.

By gavin751 | 0

#217867 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

Scarred for life! Maybe you should put your child's feelings, above you feeling the cool breeze.

;P

By mrhahn530 | 0

#217869 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:09

hehe....he...giggidy...

Reply

SulfurPlague | 0

#2028157 - Monday 31 January 2011 8:29

yes!

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#217871 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:10

Well why the hell aren't you wearing any underwears? That's gross! Shame on you! Especially if you're a mom who popped out 2 kids down there, your vagina is probably stanky, huge and not what one will call pleasing to the eye...so stop being so nasty, grow up and put on some underwears!

By lostmymind16 | 0

#217874 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:11

what were you expecting to happen at dinner for you to not be wearing underwear with your family?

awkward...