Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was... - FML

By whoopsiedoodle - 21/5/2009 12:45 - Canada

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML

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Oh, hai!

Headache

Business savvy

By frosho - 9/3/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a restaurant with my best friend. We had just competed in a pageant together earlier this month. A lady comes up to my friend who got first alternate and said,"You were robbed of that title. You deserved to win. I hated the winner." I was the winner. FML

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By ow - 4/9/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, while I was running in a cross country meet, a bug flew into my right eye. Then, a bug flew into my left eye. Not wanting to lose a neck-and-neck sprint, I tried to run blind. I hit a pole. FML

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By Cheated - 3/8/2010 04:07 - Canada

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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By flyakite - 22/8/2014 03:53 - United States

Today, my boss decided our 4 year relationship was unethical, so she broke up with me, then terminated my employment. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2009 12:37 - Canada

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me because he loves toilets. Everyone was sleeping so I went pee but didnt flush. My cat jumped onto the seat and fell in. I had to lift him out and then wash him. He hates water though, so I was scratched by my cat who was dripping with my own pee. FML

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By Alex - 29/5/2017 16:00

Today my brother, instead of filming me during my very first musical presentation in New York, took 45 pictures of the sexy trumpeter that was two rows behind me. With MY camera. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2019 22:00

You wanker!

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I went to a wedding with my family. While the maid of honor was giving her non-heartfelt, three sentence speech, my mom and I started talking about how lame her speech was. When I turned around to look at my mom, I saw the camera recording the speech behind her. FML

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By ruhrohraggy - 28/7/2019 16:00

Today, I got a haircut. I wanted three inches cut off. When the lady finished, she had cut off everything but three inches of my hair. FML

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By brokenkneechick - 7/2/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I called the campus police to give me a ride to the cafeteria since I am on crutches from knee surgery. I was only halfway into the car when the man started driving and ran over my foot. Now neither my right knee or my left foot work. FML

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By Anonyme - 2/9/2015 04:21 - France - Mitry-mory

Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

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By SailorVenus93 - 29/10/2019 20:00

Giddy approval!

Today, I got so ecstatic about getting approved for a credit card that I made myself sick. I guess my first ever purchase will be TUMS and some Ginger Ale. FML

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By Shitty genes, no two ways about it. - 27/4/2013 00:21 - Australia - Perth

Today, my son had to help out at the local retirement home for his community service. He got in serious trouble and came whining to me about it after he tried threatening some of the residents into taking part in a Harlem Shake video. FML

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By hmmm - 1/10/2013 12:32 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, my boyfriend's dad said he'd given my boyfriend £100 to take me out for a meal last night and he hoped I'd enjoyed it. Last night my boyfriend and I went to Pizza Hut, shared a pizza and split the bill. Turns out my boyfriend had simply pocketed the money without telling anyone. FML

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By lonelyharts86 - 13/6/2012 14:50 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had an interview for my dream job. I was offered coffee and a donut. It was going well until I took a bite of the donut and started choking on it. I coughed so hard I ended up vomiting into his garbage can. FML

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By Cody - 19/7/2010 13:59 - United States

Today, my kids surprised me when I got home. One of them played the Rocky theme song on the stereo, and the other came up to me and said, "Daddy, let's go. We need you to drop about 15 pounds before you appear in front of all of our friends at our play." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 13:17 - Australia

Today, I was playing with my dog, teasing her, to cheer myself up after being dumped by my girlfriend. My dog bit me hard and I had to go to hospital. The dog has to be put down. FML

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By fffemaleee - 31/5/2015 18:21 - United States - Waterford

Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML

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By blahblah - 14/12/2010 02:01 - Canada

Today, I'm in a relationship with a guy who yells at me everyday for things I didn't do, is in a dead-end job and is not attractive whatsoever, but I can't bring myself to break up with him because he would get to keep the dog. FML

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By Trainwreck - 13/12/2009 17:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told me that I was a quick-tempered emotional train wreck. He then said, "You know how we talked about getting married? Now the only way I'd marry you was if hell froze over." He smiled, gave me a kiss, and went to bed. FML

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By KayyElOh94 - 17/10/2014 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

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By Tom - 15/1/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML

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By ROLLY - 3/3/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend stole a guy's cookie. As revenge, he stole my iPod. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2012 05:59 - United States

Today, I was driving down a dark country road with the windows down. Suddenly, a giant barn owl flew through my side-window and smacked into my head, causing me to drive into a ditch. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, after my son graduated from nursing school which I, as a single parent, paid for with blood, sweat, and tears, during his grad party he was asked what his next step was. His response was, "Eh, I kinda realized I hate nursing." FML

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By gonkc - 4/3/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

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By Maxwell - 4/2/2010 10:47 - France

Today, my 4 year old son thought it was funny to put money in the shredder. He stuck over 500 dollars in it. FML

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By bitchimgay - 22/7/2012 16:48 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to my local coffee shop. I soon witnessed the girl making my drink apparently dislodge a wedgie from her ass-crack and then sneeze into her hands. When I confronted her, she loudly accused me of "visually molesting" her. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2014 00:14 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I took my kids to an Easter party hosted by a local church. The nice lady in charge told the kids, "Jesus died, but He rose to life again!" My 9 year old screamed, "LIKE A ZOMBIE!" FML

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By psb1990 - 1/9/2018 01:30

Duh.

Today, a guy on the street introduced himself as a photographer with a project about women's feet and asked if he could take a photo of mine. He showed me his Instagram, which looked legitimate at a glance, so I agreed and followed him. Turns out it's a fetish account. FML

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By [SiMON] - 6/1/2009 09:51 - France

Today, I invited a girl I really like to spend the afternoon at my place. Everything went great... with my sister. They became really good friends, and me, well, I tried to alleviate my boredom in front of my computer. FML

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By LameChef - 10/3/2015 18:43 - Poland

Today, after years of providing daily various home-made colourful meals for three kids and a husband, I was asked to "cook something cool, like instant hamburgers, not that lame healthy shit". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:52 - Canada

Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML

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By SorryIDontMatchStandardSizes - 2/9/2016 04:06 - United States

Today, I received my uniform for culinary school. I'm 5'4" and 110 lbs, and during sizing even an XS uniform swam on me. On the other hand, I need huge shoes for my size 10 feet. Apparently, the school decided to ignore my sizing sheet and simply give me standard medium uniforms and size 8 shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, while walking through the halls of my high school, me and my boyfriend shared a quick kiss. A young teacher walks by and tells us to stop due to Personal Display of Affection rules at our school. She then looks at my boyfriend and tells him he could do so much better. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 04:12 - United States

John Coltrane

Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML

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By freshflowerz - 16/3/2018 00:00 - United States - Williamsburg

Cheesy.

Today, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a yeast infection. It’s been 3 hours since I’ve been home and my husband won’t stop referring to me as "cheddar puss". FML

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By dumbass - 1/10/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply, saying "Nope." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 05:34 - Canada

Today, I searched for free parking near my work for 30 minutes, trying to avoid paying $12 at a pay lot. I scored a spot, but 1 mile away from the office. I trekked through rain, cold, and got to work late. It was a long hard day, crawled back to my car, and had a $30 ticket on my windshield. FML

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Top comments

By charlottex33 | 0

#217844 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:01

well...why weren't you wearing underwear?

By heywowmoo | 0

#217851 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:03

Maybe you should wear underwear- you're a mom!!

Comments

By charlottex33 | 0

#217844 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:01

well...why weren't you wearing underwear?

Reply

MiGman | 5

#1006468 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 5:18

op that was totaly smooth

Reply

immazombeastxD | 0

#1099149 - Friday 16 July 2010 21:48

literally

Reply

murlocholmes | 5

#3220723 - Friday 2 September 2011 5:31

As people stared, she looked to her husband for comfort only to catch his big grin/wink combo....

By heywowmoo | 0

#217851 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:03

Maybe you should wear underwear- you're a mom!!

Reply

Mel_ham | 15

#7407729 - Friday 10 February 2017 5:05

That changes things?

By Bryan_Z | 0

#217857 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:06

OMFG LOL

Reply

bca101 | 0

#1061807 - Sunday 4 July 2010 7:20

bahahhaha ikr!

By peoc | 0

#217860 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:07

MILF!

By XblahhX | 0

#217862 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

f YOUR life?? f HIS life- hes the one who had to see you without your underwear!

By ddrluna | 2

#217865 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

That's disgusting, not having any underwear with a young child present like that. =

Surely you, as a mother, should know what's appropriate and what's not. You're not going on a hot date, you're going to a family dinner. Jesus.

By gavin751 | 0

#217867 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

Scarred for life! Maybe you should put your child's feelings, above you feeling the cool breeze.

;P

By mrhahn530 | 0

#217869 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:09

hehe....he...giggidy...

Reply

SulfurPlague | 0

#2028157 - Monday 31 January 2011 8:29

yes!

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#217871 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:10

Well why the hell aren't you wearing any underwears? That's gross! Shame on you! Especially if you're a mom who popped out 2 kids down there, your vagina is probably stanky, huge and not what one will call pleasing to the eye...so stop being so nasty, grow up and put on some underwears!

By lostmymind16 | 0

#217874 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:11

what were you expecting to happen at dinner for you to not be wearing underwear with your family?

awkward...