Kids: Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was... - FML

By whoopsiedoodle - Canada

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML

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Out of it

Dangling modifier

And today, on Dr Phil…

By FlyingPain - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I need to get a root canal, the only day I can get an appointment is on the same day I'm flying out for training for my new job. I can't get out of either, so now need to face my fear of flying and fear of dentists the same day. FML

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By rainbows? more like shitstorms - United States

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

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By KillMeNow - United States - Houston

Today, my visiting mother-in-law announced she plans on moving to our state and living next door. When I said that's not going to happen, she chuckled and said, "It's happening, Kate." Kate is my husband's ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago. FML

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By Steph - Bulgaria

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

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By Ploeboi - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML

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By stinky - United States

Today, my coworker friend told me she was going to the restroom. Soon after, I did the same. Once in the stall, I could smell a stench emanating from the next one. I yelled, "Ew, you stinky bitch" and sprayed air freshener under the partition. As I left the stall, my friend walked into the restroom. FML

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By severedface - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. When I got there, I found out that the guy was a ventriloquist and was going to use his puppet to talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

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By peppergirl

Sewing project

Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML

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By Arielle - Australia

Today, I went to the hospital emergency room to visit my boyfriend who had badly sliced his leg open. It ended with me being admitted with a possible head trauma, after hitting my head on the wall and floor as I collapsed at the sight of his wound. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought my mom a gift certificate for a spa treatment for two so we could spend some quality time together. She took my sister. FML

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By Ellowise - Belgium

Today, I used the tanning booth for the first time. Not only was I so white that I received first-degree burns all over my body, but I also forgot to remove my knee-high socks. FML

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By scared for life - United States

Today, I got to listen while my grandma, who has dementia and therefore a poor memory, explained to me why the old man on TV was a sex god. She forgot everything once she said it. I got to listen to her explanation five times over. FML

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By pianoplayer - Canada - Mackenzie

Today, my neighbors called the police and said that they saw, through the window, a suspicious person in my house doing something to my piano. The "suspicious person" was me, in my own house, playing my own piano. FML

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By tryingatkins - United States

Today, I was on the elevator going up to a meeting, and the elevator was getting more and more crowded as we went up. After about ten people got on, they all agreed that I should get off the elevator because they thought me being on was exceeding the weight limit. FML

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By nycol - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old boyfriend why it is not okay to pee in the pool. FML

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By lerouxmaster

Today, I received a call from child care. Apparently, my four year-old boy tried to start a mosh pit during naptime. FML

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By drucle - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Druncle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

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By iamgermantoo - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I contacted my landlady to tell her that I approved of the girl she recommended for a sublet. She then told me she thinks this girl is a neo-Nazi. Why? The e-mails she sent to the girl were rejected as spam. Apparently, this and being German qualifies you to be a neo-Nazi. FML

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By scaredypants123 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

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By Cano951 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex in her basement. All awesome, until her mom walked down and wanted to watch a movie with us. I had to watch it naked under a blanket. FML

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By BadGirlfriend12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually offered me $1000 to break up with him, and to move back to where my family lives 5 hours away. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, my parents have deliberately ruined my last 2 relationships, because they want me to get back together with my ex simply because he is my son's dad. Apparently, my son needs his father more than I need a man who won't beat me every time he gets drunk. FML

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By Needasafe1234 - United States

Today, it was my mother's birthday. My 5 year old brother and 85 year old grandma decided to decorate the house with balloons and a blow up "people" they found in my room. FML

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By TowelSmellsNice - Malaysia

Today, I wrapped a towel around my waist so I could take a dump while using my laptop. I sat on the toilet seat and let a big load go. Turns out I forgot to unwrap the towel. FML

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By kas - United States

Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML

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By JennieA

Today, I woke up to all 4 of my wheels stolen from my car. The thieves were kind enough to leave the car resting on wooden blocks and bricks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was on a movie date with my boyfriend, when he asked for a handjob. I thought I was doing well until he sighed, took my hand off, and said he could finish on his own. FML

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By tan disaster - United States

Today, I went to get my spray tan before my semi-formal. After I applied lotion to the bottom of my feet as instructed, I went in the booth and began to start the tanning session. I lost my balance and fell right as the machine began to spray. I look like a spotted cheetah. FML

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By Red

Today, my girlfriend found out that I secretly watch porn while she sleeps, but she seemed to be fine with it. That's until the next day, when she got on my Facebook account and publicly shared every porn page I visit. My father even commented, "Poor choice in porn, son". FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Pinetown

Today, my little brother learned about mortality when our dog died. Since then, he's gone a little nuts and keeps ranting that he sees no point as to why our other dog should live. He's 16. FML

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By "jonnybones223"

Today, I was awakened by my father saying how proud he was of his little boy. I assumed he meant me, since I landed an apprenticeship in the same union he's worked in for 25 years. Turns out he was speaking about his cat, who left a dead squirrel next to my bed. I stepped on the damn thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 00:01 - Australia

You tried

Today, my colleague was wearing a beautiful dress. I decided that I had to go over and compliment her. As I walked over, my coffee cup flew out of my hand and onto said dress. She had to go home and change, and my boss had to cover for her. FML

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By poopooppachuu - United States

Get it now?

Today, in the middle of explaining over the phone to my crush how I felt about him, I got a text from his best friend, who was apparently with him at the time. It said, "He doesn't like you, get over it. Stop rambling." FML

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By poseidon5213 - United States - Inglewood

Today, I started my job as one of those sign spinners. About an hour later, some people drove up, yelled, "Bitch, get off my corner," and threw water balloons at me. My boss made me keep working in the soaking wet outfit. FML

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By LittleRed79 - Canada

Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML

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By ironyisabitch - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, my parents grounded me for finding their stash of weed. The irony is killing me right now. FML

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By blank - United States

Today, I came home to my boyfriend wearing one of my pads on his hand, because he didn't want to pay to go to the hospital for stitches. FML

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Top comments

By charlottex33 | 0

#217844 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:01

well...why weren't you wearing underwear?

By heywowmoo | 0

#217851 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:03

Maybe you should wear underwear- you're a mom!!

COMMENTS

By charlottex33 | 0

#217844 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:01

well...why weren't you wearing underwear?

Reply

MiGman | 5

#1006468 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 5:18

op that was totaly smooth

Reply

immazombeastxD | 0

#1099149 - Friday 16 July 2010 21:48

literally

Reply

murlocholmes | 5

#3220723 - Friday 2 September 2011 5:31

As people stared, she looked to her husband for comfort only to catch his big grin/wink combo....

By heywowmoo | 0

#217851 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:03

Maybe you should wear underwear- you're a mom!!

Reply

Mel_ham | 15

#7407729 - Friday 10 February 2017 5:05

That changes things?

By Bryan_Z | 0

#217857 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:06

OMFG LOL

Reply

bca101 | 0

#1061807 - Sunday 4 July 2010 7:20

bahahhaha ikr!

By peoc | 0

#217860 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:07

MILF!

By XblahhX | 0

#217862 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

f YOUR life?? f HIS life- hes the one who had to see you without your underwear!

By ddrluna | 2

#217865 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

That's disgusting, not having any underwear with a young child present like that. =

Surely you, as a mother, should know what's appropriate and what's not. You're not going on a hot date, you're going to a family dinner. Jesus.

By gavin751 | 0

#217867 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

Scarred for life! Maybe you should put your child's feelings, above you feeling the cool breeze.

;P

By mrhahn530 | 0

#217869 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:09

hehe....he...giggidy...

Reply

SulfurPlague | 0

#2028157 - Monday 31 January 2011 8:29

yes!

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#217871 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:10

Well why the hell aren't you wearing any underwears? That's gross! Shame on you! Especially if you're a mom who popped out 2 kids down there, your vagina is probably stanky, huge and not what one will call pleasing to the eye...so stop being so nasty, grow up and put on some underwears!

By lostmymind16 | 0

#217874 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:11

what were you expecting to happen at dinner for you to not be wearing underwear with your family?

awkward...