Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was... - FML

By whoopsiedoodle - 21/5/2009 12:45 - Canada

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML

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Proactive

Boom, headshot

Not a cheating!

By Sarah - 9/4/2015 20:24 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

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By Kid Lacef - 31/10/2018 15:30

Today, I asked my girlfriend for a kiss, and in response, she suggested that we settle for a hand hug. FML

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By newbffswelcome - 4/8/2013 18:07 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I've been getting calls for over a week on my home phone, cell phone, and the work phone at my night shift, in which someone whispers terrifying Satanic-sounding chants at me. I've now found out that the caller is my best "friend". His explanation: "You seemed lonely, man." FML

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By pikachu_43 - 21/3/2015 15:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, because I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, I had a panic attack. Then, the panic attack caused me to have a real asthma attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2018 20:30

Today, while riding to the skate park, I noticed a gorgeous blonde walking towards me. She gave me a smile as I passed so I turned and looked behind me to get a second glance. I rode my BMX straight into a light pole in front of a pub patio full of people. She saw it all. FML

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By James - 1/4/2020 17:00

Gordon says you SUCK

Today, my sister was so bored during the lockdown that she let me attempt to cook an omelette without turning the stove on, just so she had something amusing to watch. FML

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By fineididntwantkidsanyway - 2/12/2012 23:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

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By Dog fart - 13/2/2010 16:08 - United States

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

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By Whatdididowrong? - 10/5/2011 05:18

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

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By Tempted to hide a fish under the floor - 22/9/2018 05:30 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I marked 3 weeks since meeting my crazy new landlady. Apparently I can't use the dishwasher because "there's no soap", can't bring the trash cans into the garage to keep the bears from getting it, and have to sweep before the cleaning service comes because "it's not their job". FML

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By santasadiekins - 17/8/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

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By geeb - 23/2/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, I had to confess to my mother that I was too hungover to take her to her AA meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2014 11:33 - Australia - Rooty Hill

Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML

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By idonthavelice - 28/2/2010 13:44 - China

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2020 08:09

So wrong

Today, my boyfriend came over to meet my family. When I told him I had an autistic brother before he came in, he immediately broke up with me because he claimed autism is another word for overprotective. I've been dating an idiot. FML

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By fuck you, dad - 8/2/2014 20:54 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my family and I were celebrating my dad's birthday. The two of us were standing by the pool chatting, and I jokingly said "You're old now." I suppose I should have expected him to shove me into the pool, my phone still in hand, and retort, "You're soaked now." FML

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By greeple - 10/9/2012 16:19 - Singapore

Today, I decided to clean my face of unwanted visitors, and spent my shower popping the pimples on my cheeks. Twenty minutes later, I remembered that I was showering ahead of a date with my girlfriend. My cheeks now look like the crater-filled surface of Mars. FML

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By failure - 13/10/2010 06:18 - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

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By Bex - 15/3/2016 07:27 - United States - San Francisco

Today, in front of a group of family, friends, and acquaintances, a guy I hadn't talked to in about two years asked me how rehab was going. In the monstrous silence that followed, I had to awkwardly explain that I work at a nursing home that also functions as a rehabilitation center. FML

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By ??? - 19/7/2020 05:01

Double crossed

Today, I found out the best man at my wedding was banging my wife after years of being married. My best man was my brother. FML

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By Saraitkddh - 6/10/2018 05:00

Today, my friend told me that my brother sent her a picture of his dick. How did she tell me this? By sending me the picture. FML

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By reject - 21/1/2011 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, when taking a group picture with my closest friends, a passing parent congratulated us on getting into the same university for next year. She's wrong. They're all going to Cambridge, except for me. I was rejected. FML

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By anyonmus - 12/4/2013 00:59 - United States - Westminster

Today, I went for a run, and my own dog attacked me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2013 18:24 - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

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By papergirl - 24/4/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I went to a fancy restaurant. I was coming right from work and brought a change of clothes with me. I parked in an empty corner of the parking lot to change. As I was pulling my pants up, I noticed that I was facing an apartment complex where an old guy was watching me from his balcony. FML

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By snathans - 13/4/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I took one of those IQ tests on the internet. I cheated and still got a 70. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2017 20:00 - Canada - Westerose

Today, our family cat died. I had to explain this to my 2 small children, who had no experience with death. I ended up bawling like a baby while they consoled me, telling me she had, "gone to a better place". FML

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By Anon - 25/5/2011 05:28 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I was comforted by the sound of mice running through the walls of my apartment. I left cheese and peanut butter out for them to find so that I could at least have a pet for company. FML

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By plantfood - 6/1/2012 05:47 - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and an elderly woman asked if I could put her carry on into the overhead bin. Eager to help, I energetically lifted her bag up, and smacked her in the face with it. FML

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By Nobody - 27/11/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 17:01

Workaholic

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

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By Confused and Disgusted - 23/2/2015 23:42 - United States - Sparta

Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger in my armpit, then licked his finger. FML

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By Beccarr - 1/7/2009 17:04 - United Kingdom

Today, it was boiling hot so my boyfriend and I decided to sunbathe in the garden and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Not only is my back so burnt that I can't lie down, I also have a white hand print on my upper back where my boyfriend had left his arm while we slept. FML

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By chickenshit4 - 15/5/2016 00:57 - United States - Pine Ridge

Today, my 43 year old mother came home covered in hickeys. FML

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By =( - 15/2/2015 14:52 - Australia

Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML

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By Dominic - 14/6/2009 19:14 - Canada

Today, as a prank, my friends put a big bucket of water on my door so that it would spill on me as I exited my room. It would have been funny if I hadn't been holding my $900 laptop as I was walking out. FML

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By datgirl92 - 24/5/2013 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my friends and I were talking about the creepy stranger that used to stalk me back in high school. I guess his looks changed a lot through the years because I found out that he's my current boyfriend of 4 months. FML

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By bruised_scrotum - 15/5/2014 17:08 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I had to inform a patient that she has an STD. She reacted by kicking me in the nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2019 22:00

Today, I told my boyfriend about a friend-with-benefits that I had before him, and he dumped me because I’m still friends with that person, and I didn’t tell him about him right away. FML

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By Embarrassed daughter.. - 1/2/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By charlottex33 | 0

#217844 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:01

well...why weren't you wearing underwear?

By heywowmoo | 0

#217851 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:03

Maybe you should wear underwear- you're a mom!!

COMMENTS

By charlottex33 | 0

#217844 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:01

well...why weren't you wearing underwear?

Reply

MiGman | 5

#1006468 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 5:18

op that was totaly smooth

Reply

immazombeastxD | 0

#1099149 - Friday 16 July 2010 21:48

literally

Reply

murlocholmes | 5

#3220723 - Friday 2 September 2011 5:31

As people stared, she looked to her husband for comfort only to catch his big grin/wink combo....

By heywowmoo | 0

#217851 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:03

Maybe you should wear underwear- you're a mom!!

Reply

Mel_ham | 15

#7407729 - Friday 10 February 2017 5:05

That changes things?

By Bryan_Z | 0

#217857 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:06

OMFG LOL

Reply

bca101 | 0

#1061807 - Sunday 4 July 2010 7:20

bahahhaha ikr!

By peoc | 0

#217860 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:07

MILF!

By XblahhX | 0

#217862 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

f YOUR life?? f HIS life- hes the one who had to see you without your underwear!

By ddrluna | 2

#217865 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

That's disgusting, not having any underwear with a young child present like that. =

Surely you, as a mother, should know what's appropriate and what's not. You're not going on a hot date, you're going to a family dinner. Jesus.

By gavin751 | 0

#217867 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:08

Scarred for life! Maybe you should put your child's feelings, above you feeling the cool breeze.

;P

By mrhahn530 | 0

#217869 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:09

hehe....he...giggidy...

Reply

SulfurPlague | 0

#2028157 - Monday 31 January 2011 8:29

yes!

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#217871 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:10

Well why the hell aren't you wearing any underwears? That's gross! Shame on you! Especially if you're a mom who popped out 2 kids down there, your vagina is probably stanky, huge and not what one will call pleasing to the eye...so stop being so nasty, grow up and put on some underwears!

By lostmymind16 | 0

#217874 - Thursday 21 May 2009 20:11

what were you expecting to happen at dinner for you to not be wearing underwear with your family?

awkward...