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FML celebrates our dads, the everyday heroes.

Today, it's Father's Day. The old man's party. The fiesta for the elders. FML is grateful to be able to show respect to our wonderful old dudes, who have guided us through life, taught us right from wrong and wiped our backsides, all in all making us the vaguely tolerable human beings that we are today. 

Humankind is divided into two categories: people who are fathers, and those who aren't. People who are, who take their task very seriously, know how difficult it is to reign over their offspring, who often think they know it all. To assert yourself as a good father, you have to know when to pull the reins in, and remind them from time to time who rules the roost.  

Today, I brought a boy home for the first time, only to have my dad ask him what his mother's maiden name was. When he answered, my dad exclaimed, "Oh yeah! I think I dated her in high school. I could be your father!" FML

Today, my dad made me and my boyfriend break up. Not because he was a bad influence, but because I was. FML

Today, I told my dad I was gonna to start working out again. He looked at me with honest confusion on his face and said, "You worked out before?" My mother started laughing. She was all the way upstairs. FML

Some of our heroes have understood that their mission in life, their main function, was to shape the children to become adults of tomorrow, to shake off petty failures, dry useless tears, and most importantly to have a sense of humour and how to use it. These are some of the skills that are necessary if you want a child to function as a moderately successful human being in this modern hellhole we call society, lest you want them to be called an uncouth yokel. 

Today, my dad told me he had a present for me. It was his tooth, which he had pulled out a few minutes before. FML

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML

Today, my dad tricked the local biker gang into believing he's actually part of the Russian mob. FML

Being a father is also about letting your children go their own way, let them make their own mistakes, free of mind and spirit. Unless they belong to a sect that follows a particularly closeted dogma, most fathers want their children to reach for happiness and freedom. Well, yeah, and having children is also a way to have a good laugh at somebody else's expense. 

Today, I introduced my dad to my girlfriend. He looked her up and down and said to her, "Beggars can't be choosers. Am I right?" FML

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook of me at a club with some friends. The first comment it got was "Just got a stiffy. 10/10." Thanks for that, dad. FML

Today, I woke up with a swollen lump on my throat. It's extremely painful. My dad named it Gretchen and now talks about it as if it's a person. FML

And today of all days, the best way to celebrate them is to let them do whatever the hell they want. Whether it's having a little drink: 

Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML

Dress the way they want:

Today, my dad has apparently decided that it's too much of a bother to put clothes on when he gets out of bed. He's been walking around in his tighty-whiteys for hours now. FML

Or sport the facial hair they fancy:

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

It's THEIR day. If your dad is still roaming the Earth, give him a call, send him a text, go round his place with some balloons and a nice cake (or some booze), do whatever you can to make him feel special. No need to make the day the commercial circus it probably is by spending heaps of cash on useless tat. Love is all you need, as The Beatles said. Love you, Dad <3

#1599 - About FMyLife - On 06/17/2016 at 11:31am by Alan - 9 comments

Caption today's FML Photo


Hi gang! FML is giving you yet another opportunity to caption a picture. As last time, there's only one, so we can avoid messing around with several photos, several captions, several headaches.
 

How does this work?

We're putting up a picture, which is a stock photo. Nothing containing celebrities or anything recognisable. Just a computer with weird holes in it. Just come up with a funny caption for the photo, using the "Today, FML" template that we all know and love. Then, according to your votes, and a totally arbitrary choice on our part, we'll post the FML Photo and credit the author of the caption.

The FML Photos are a colourful addition to FML. You can make them legendary. To do so, we're once again appealing to your creativity and sense of humour. Show us what you've got!


Get on with it. Show us the photo!

Here it is:


Feeling inspired?
If so, add your suggestions and captions in the comments below, in the best FML style you can think of. The funniest will be published in the FML Photos category and on the homepage, and the author will be showered in the glory of having their name mentioned alongside their creation. Ready? Go!

Subtle warning: Captions posted in response to top-voted captions, or even captions in the first few positions, will be disqualified/deleted. Comment on the article, so the votes actually count.

#1598 - About FMyLife - On 06/08/2016 at 11:49am by Alan - 159 comments

The Best of the Worst #24

Hello, fellow FML-ers! As it's the beginning of a new month, it's probably the right time to drop another Best of the Worst of FML. It's Friday as well, so what better day to kick one over the fence so you guys can check it out at a leisurely pace, while totally ignoring work, your boss, your teachers, or whatever authority figure usually looms over you during the day. So, without any further ado, here's this month's selection.  

For the people who have never seen this section of FML before: we get sent lots of FMLs, each day, all day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are not very good, copies of old FMLs or just plain bad. Amongst those, we also get sent very weird stories, if you can call them stories. That's what we post in this column. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to us. Have a gander at this month's selection!
 

For all my cholos 

So today, I was kickin’ back at my barrio with a couple of my cholos and cholas, Den deez Eastcoast Changos rode in screamin THUGLIFE and opened fire, as They took the gat out I took mine out and accidentally friendly fired my Homie, RIP Big EseTortuga…, FML

The lizard king

Today, I was diagnosed with reptile dysfunction?? Where do I go from here…FML


Smoke on the water closet

Today, when i finished smoking in my bathroom, tride to drop a finished sigaret in a toilet. it would have been ok, but i was seating on it and burned my penis. and what do i say to a doctor?


Lover, I don't have to love

i went to a bright eyes concert and i found out connor oberst is 30. FML


PETA file

My Mexican friend Xavier sucked a banana in front of me and made a petafile smirk… at my pants, he has Mexican friends to. ): FML


OK then

Today, it has been exactly 6 months since I have left my high school campus which is situated on a hill. FML


Fo' real

Today Real? I am not gonna fing other thing like this FML

Bad anatomy

Today, I realized no matter what I try, I can’t stimulate my clitorus. I get more pleasure cleaning my ears. My clitorus is broken. FML


Fantasma

Today, i sucked a D it was fantasma. Note: im a 42 year old indian man FML?


Jerry Springer

so my dad thought my mom was cheating so he cheated on my mom and then my mom found out and she got mad and then threatened to file a case against him and then he left the house then he refused to support his family cuz he tryna fight my mom. the girl my dad cheating with is pregnant, with him. FML


That's it for this month. We'll be back next month for some more weird FMLs, because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. Take care!
 

 

Bonus track: This person thinks that the world (and FML) is run by obscure forces that conspire to make everyone polite and nice to each other. It's not, unfortunately.
 

It's a conspiracy!

Today, I got online to read some FML’s only to notice the website had been updated to reflect the political correctness of the world by replacing the “you deserved it” button with “glad it wasn’t me”. FML.

#1597 - About FMyLife - On 06/02/2016 at 9:49am by Alan - 48 comments

S-Kro's Illustrated FML #34

Hi gang! It's Friday, time for another illustrated FML. In certains parts of the World, it's Mother's Day on Sunday. Yes, I know, not in the USA, but we've got an illustration here which is more about how you become a mother, and less about what it's like to be a mother. Intrigued? You should be.

S-KRO'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I was going to say something vulgar…"

Self-portrait S-Kro by S-Kro
 


This week, S-Kro is back amongst us for the third instalment in a series of three. He has already been on here many, many times, so you could say he's part of the family. 

His infos:

Age36
Location: The Internet
WebsiteHis blog and his Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one with the babies

 

Who are you?
If anyone asks, just tell them that you don't know.

What do you do?
Well, I'm answering your questions.

Where do you come from?
The south of France.

How old are you?
36! (Yes, I've grown a year older since my last illustration for FML)

What's your favourite self-penned illustration? 
I'd have to the one explaining Star Wars scientifically, just because it's the last one I posted. Speaking of which, if anyone knows Roland Lehoucq (the astrophysicist that I quote in the comic), I'd be glad if they'd show it to him. 

Who is your favourite illustrator?
Hmmmm, there's quite few, so it's going to be tough to mention everybody. I'd say that the first that come to mind are Maëster, Coyote, Gotlib, Eric Powell, Toriyama, Todd MacFarlane, Greg Capullo, Eric Herenguel, Fabcaro, Julien Solé, Mo CDM, Monsieur le Chien…
 
Your passion, besides illustrating?
I discovered that science could be exciting and fun thanks to Bill Bryson's books in 2014, and I decided, at my very humble level, to launch myself into popularizing things that I understood (meaning not a lot, actually). I also read a lot of books and scientific articles during my spare time. And comic books too, obviously. 

Your favourite place in the world?
I was going to say something vulgar…

What gets on your nerves?
Loads of things. The list would be too long.

What makes you happy?
Simple things: a child's smile, my friends' laughter, the smell of a forest, the roundness of a pair of breasts… 

Who is your hero?
In the extraordinairy people sense, I'd say Nikola Tesla, Richard Feynman or Stephen Hawking, but he's crap at basketball. And to avoid being a misogynist, I'd add Marie Curie, due to two Nobel prizes and lives saved on the battlefields!

Your favourite word?
"Ornithorynque" (French for Platypus), because I know how to spell it, and because it's worth loads of points at Scrabble.

What's your favourite smell?
Freshly cut grass.

The job you wouldnt've liked to have done?
The person who has to eviscerate trouts or a worker in a factory line, because I hate repetitive tasks. 

If you had to take a book, a record, a comic book or movie on a desert island, which one would it be?
For the recoard, it would be a compilation with bands like Motörhead, Slayer, Nirvana, Bowie (yes, that's not a band, I know), Queen, Metallica, classical music (I strongly recommend the 3rd movement of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, I'm not kidding, it's really good). For the book, "A short history of nearly everything" by Bill Bryson, don't miss it. 

What would you like to sell to us this week?
I don't have anything to sell, not this week anyway…

If God exists, what would you like him to ask you after you die? 
"Hey, so is this how I created the Universe... Oh shit, I just deleted my back-up!" 

That's it for this week my friends. Let's go on holiday and drive jetskis at each other. Next week, it'll probably be time a Best of the Worst instead of an illustration. I don't know. But until next time, here's a cute kitten, and a cool song in French. Be excellent to each other, and see you soon. 

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1596 - Illustrated FML - On 05/27/2016 at 10:33am by Alan - 3 comments

Happy birthday Eric Cantona!

To anyone who enjoys their football (or soccer depending on which part of the world you are in), the 25th of January 1995 is considered to be a legendary date, thanks to a major event that took part on an English pitch. Or should we say, from the pitch into the crowd. We would've published the FML, if FML had existed at the time. We owe this magnificent moment of grace to Eric Cantona, who turned 50 today. 

Today, I got kicked in the face at a soccer game. Everybody clapped. FML

It's obvious, this FML could've been written by the Crystal Palace supporter at the time. Ever since this admittedly hilarious event, whether on a film set or in the hearts of football supporters, Eric will remain the King. A very happy birthday to King Cantona, whose name some of us didn't hesitate to wear as a badge of honour: 

Today, for Christmas, I finally received the branded and very expensive European football club shirt that I’d been dreaming of for ages… With my name scribbled upside down next to the name of a famous player. Yep, permanent marker onto thin wrapping paper: red card, dad. FML


En 1988, Eric Cantona called Henri Michel, a French football manager, a "Sac à merde" (bag of shit, in French). Whether he deserved it or not, others who met "Le Grand Eric" never got over the encounter. 

Today, my ten year-old son shook hands with his favourite soccer player. Ever since, he refuses to wash his hands. FML

During an infamous press conference, Eric Cantona said: "When seagulls follow the trawler it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea." The journalists who were present, as well as the supporters awaiting an explanation never really knew what he was getting at. Thanks to FML and pastries, a sort of explanation seems to appear if you consider that Cantona is a seagull and… Yeah, no, we don't know either. 

Today, I went to work, eating a nice pastry on my way. I noticed that all the drivers were staring at me from inside their cars. When I got to a pedestrian crossing, I looked behind me. At my feet, ten seagulls were following my pastry and me. FML

If Eric Cantona, who is celebrating his 50th birthday today, is probably one of the greatest rebels to have graced our pitches, following in the footsteps of George Best before him, it only seems logical that his descendants follow the same path. Happy Birthday Eric!

Today, as school headmaster, I asked the mother of an troublemaker kid to come in and see me. Her opinion ended up being, “I’m proud of my son’s strong personality! The greatest geniuses in the history of the world were rebels who didn’t do well in school! The school has to adapt to him, not the other way round!” FML

 


(Eric Cantona, here being played by Eric Cantona)

Cantona isn't on our pitches anymore, and sightings of his brilliance are pretty rare, despite various appearances on the small and big screen. This won't stop us from celebrating his brilliance, his legend and class, in the way that football supporters do. In that very same spirit, FML joins the rest of football fans in waiting for the beginning of Euro 2016. 

Today, and for the past 7 months, my OB-GYN and my husband, big soccer fans, have spent the major part of my scans talking about footballs instead of my baby. The birth is set for the 10th of June: France vs Romania. Erm, is there a TV in the delivery room? FML

See you on the 10th of June on FML for more football-related stuff. Until then, get your away kit on.

#1595 - Illustrated FML - On 05/24/2016 at 6:37am by Alan - 9 comments