Today, it's Father's Day. The old man's party. The fiesta for the elders. FML is grateful to be able to show respect to our wonderful old dudes, who have guided us through life, taught us right from wrong and wiped our backsides, all in all making us the vaguely tolerable human beings that we are today.
Humankind is divided into two categories: people who are fathers, and those who aren't. People who are, who take their task very seriously, know how difficult it is to reign over their offspring, who often think they know it all. To assert yourself as a good father, you have to know when to pull the reins in, and remind them from time to time who rules the roost.
Today, I brought a boy home for the first time, only to have my dad ask him what his mother's maiden name was. When he answered, my dad exclaimed, "Oh yeah! I think I dated her in high school. I could be your father!" FML
Today, my dad made me and my boyfriend break up. Not because he was a bad influence, but because I was. FML
Today, I told my dad I was gonna to start working out again. He looked at me with honest confusion on his face and said, "You worked out before?" My mother started laughing. She was all the way upstairs. FML
Some of our heroes have understood that their mission in life, their main function, was to shape the children to become adults of tomorrow, to shake off petty failures, dry useless tears, and most importantly to have a sense of humour and how to use it. These are some of the skills that are necessary if you want a child to function as a moderately successful human being in this modern hellhole we call society, lest you want them to be called an uncouth yokel.
Today, my dad told me he had a present for me. It was his tooth, which he had pulled out a few minutes before. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML
Today, my dad tricked the local biker gang into believing he's actually part of the Russian mob. FML
Being a father is also about letting your children go their own way, let them make their own mistakes, free of mind and spirit. Unless they belong to a sect that follows a particularly closeted dogma, most fathers want their children to reach for happiness and freedom. Well, yeah, and having children is also a way to have a good laugh at somebody else's expense.
Today, I introduced my dad to my girlfriend. He looked her up and down and said to her, "Beggars can't be choosers. Am I right?" FML
Today, I posted a photo on Facebook of me at a club with some friends. The first comment it got was "Just got a stiffy. 10/10." Thanks for that, dad. FML
Today, I woke up with a swollen lump on my throat. It's extremely painful. My dad named it Gretchen and now talks about it as if it's a person. FML
And today of all days, the best way to celebrate them is to let them do whatever the hell they want. Whether it's having a little drink:
Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML
Dress the way they want:
Today, my dad has apparently decided that it's too much of a bother to put clothes on when he gets out of bed. He's been walking around in his tighty-whiteys for hours now. FML
Or sport the facial hair they fancy:
Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML
It's THEIR day. If your dad is still roaming the Earth, give him a call, send him a text, go round his place with some balloons and a nice cake (or some booze), do whatever you can to make him feel special. No need to make the day the commercial circus it probably is by spending heaps of cash on useless tat. Love is all you need, as The Beatles said. Love you, Dad <3