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Auntie Bernie replies #1

Hello all you crybabies, from Land's End to John o' Groats. Yes, I'm finally here my lovelies. Since last week, my inbox hasn't stopped humming with the noise of new mail dropping into it, letters full of words straight from the hearts of lots and lots of troubled young people. They all appear to be in great pain, and frankly, I've been waking up in a cold sweat ever since. What on earth is wrong with this spineless generation? Where are their parents? Whatever happened to dealing with things with a stiff upper lip? Right, time for this week's verdict. I'm at my desk and the dog is peering at me suspiciously from his basket. I hope you're ready for this.

This is what's going on right now: Last week, you were asked to write to me if you needed assistance with any personal problems you might have, with the promise that I might give you advice this week in this very same column. It was last week, people, get a grip. Don't you remember? Go back and read what my friends from FML wrote, then come back. Have a little musical interlude in the meantime. 


(Communist kids singing for their Red leader)


There, remember now? Up to speed? So, some of you wrote to me. And what a disaster it was, you young people certainly know how to depress the living daylights out of me. I don't what's worse, the comedians with their little "jokes" about my age, my looks or my dog, or the weird questions that smacked of "Look at me, I'm so random!!" Luckily, some of you sent me some actual messages that I could look into, even if they were so boring I had to take some extra medication to keep awake, I've selected a few that I can use today for your entertainment. I mean… that I can use as educational tools to help soothe the pain. 
 

Modern romance


Our first case of the week involves preggoeggo68 :

"My fiancé has no clue how to court me, or romance me and doesn't seem to understand that when a girl says I don't need that, it doesn't mean she doesn't want it. Even when I explicitly state things I want now he says he doesn't know how he would do that and gets frustrated. How do I get through to him without making him mad at himself?"

First off, what kind of a name is preggoeggo68? Were you drunk when you created your account. I hate that word, "preggo". It's so boorish. So that's bad enough, but dear… your man sounds like a real nitwit. Is he the kind of guy who calls his car "her" and who plays silly video games instead of taking care of your delicate flower? You need to get up into his grill, honey. Otherwise, he's going to walk all over your ass. Don't believe that something as subtle as stating you don't need something hoping he'll get the hint that you actually want it isn't going to work. And if when you say you want something, he doesn't bring it, well… cut out what he likes. Apple pie. Cleaning his dirty, piss-stained underwear. Hand jobs. I wonder what attracted you to this man in the first place. You need to reevaluate everything, sweetie. Otherwise I'll be coming round to kick his butt. And yours.
 

Mother knows best


KneeJerker has a question relating to grades :

"How the hell do I get my mom to not be a bitch to me? All she ever does is whine about how bad I look and my grades not being up to her par even if I try my hardest."

Listen sonny boy, I actually agree with your mother. You should dress up properly, look smart and work hard at school. Calling your mother a bitch is proof that you're totally devoid of any class. Think classy for once. Your mother cares about you. She wants you to succeed, to look good. She doesn't want you to be a hobo, or at least, she doesn't want you to look like one, you nitwit. Get down and do some work, get some help if you need it. When I was in school, they used to throw bibles at our faces if we stepped out of line. You can't hit noisy children anymore, unfortunately. You can however trip them up in supermarkets when their parents aren't looking, or push them into the frozen peas section. So, listen to your mother you ungrateful little tit, and do something meaningful with your life. Just don't do it in my living room when I'm trying to sew my dog a new swimming costume.
 

Qui pro qui?


A classic problem for milehigh52:

"Dear auntie Bernie, how do I last a long time in bed? I'm worried I might not last long enough to satisfy her."

I'm a bit conflicted about this one. When I read the name "milehigh52", I immediately thought of the Mile High Club, of which I've been a member since one memorable flight in a Boeing 707 in 1975. I digress. I thought, hello, here's a stud out to ask questions about sex and things of a carnal nature. Then I read the message. Oh, this guy is definitely a virgin. He must be. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Well, up to a certain age I suppose. Or for medical reasons. Some people are virgins for superstitious reasons also, that's fine. This guy, I don't know. He's worried he's not going to last long enough to satisfy "her". You know honeydrop, sometimes it can be over in a minute and be great for both partners. And sometimes it can last an hour and everyone's crotch chafes like hell, and no one came. There's no fixed required amount of time, everything is subjective, so stop listening to the stupid things your friends say. Don't be such a big baby and get on with it. Practice makes perfect, just talk to women. They're people too, you know? They have the same doubts and fears as you do. 


The Graduate


A different sort of problem from Peterchor, with extra lies and deceit: 

"
My grades have not been great, and here's the kicker, I've had to change my major really late in the college game. I've been making the right sort of strides vis-a-vis academic improvement, but personally, the same social insecurity that allowed me to care about my friends' opinions too much last semester continues to cripple me. I'm that ashamed. I continue to lie to my friends about how bad my grades were and about the old major. I'm anxious that people will find out or that they already suspect something."

Oh dear, Peterchor, what have you done? You gone and given in to peer pressure, to social anxiety and all that crap. It's garbage. When will you ever learn? I'm in half a mind to track you down and clip you round the earhole. Never listen to your friends, they're all idiots. How do I know that? Because you're sounding a bit like one too. Yes, I'm a bit blunt, but you shouldn't have changed your major, why on earth would you do something like that so late in the year. What you should've done was called someone with half a brain cell to tell you it was a bad idea. Grades mean nothing in the long run. When I was at Oxford University, I had terrible grades in the first year, but I stuck by my guns and I got my diploma in the end, and I'm now a qualified garden hose operator. So don't lose hope young man, stop being a wet blanket, don't listen to your stoner friends and do your thing like James Brown. Capiche?
 

There, I've fixed those young people's lives, that'll do for this week. If you wrote to me and you're a bit sad that you weren't featured in this week's column, don't panic! You might appear next week. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message at the top of the comments under the article. 


Who are you? Who who?
 

The last part of this column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Russian models' Instagram accounts (when in doubt: reverse image search on Google) or who use pictures that have been floating around since Windows 95 and who lie and claim "Yes, that's me in the photo!", I'm talking about the people who are brave enough to put their real face on FML. 

This week, we're taking a look at Jovkid123. What on earth is going on in this profile pic? It appears that our FML member of the week is on the left, and she's posing with someone we should be recognizing. But I don't. Come on Jovkid123, keep your eyes open. Are you taking a nap? Are you having a stroke from meeting this person? It seems that the flash has broken as well, so we can't see shit. Did you fall over just 5 seconds after the picture was taken? You look happy enough, or was it the 8 pints of beer you had just before? I'm still wondering who the lady on the right is. She's obviously in the music business. Is it Cher? Is it the guy from Aerosmith? I can't tell these days, they all look the same. Open your eyes, godammit!!


 

That's my first column done. I hope you didn't hate it too much. I'll be back next week with more of the same. Don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young people.

Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf

#1532 - About FMyLife - On 07/31/2015 at 5:43am by Auntie Bernie - 25 comments

Feeling shitty? Write to Auntie Bernie!

It's a new summer, so here's a new feature. OK, that doesn't mean much, but you've got to start somewhere. The idea came from the fact that we get sent a lot of FMLs that touch us, in our heart of hearts (because we do have them, we're not machines) but we can't publish them because they're just… sad. So, we got in touch with a specialist to take care of these cases, in her own inimitable way. But her main caveat was that she wanted to remain anonymous. We said OK, great, do what you gotta do, shroud yourself in mystery, take on a persona, get someone to create a profile pic (thanks Bénédicte over at Bloutouf) and we'll set the wheels in motion. And here we are.

OK, for those of you who haven't fully got it, here's the idea. We received this submission:

"Today I has sex with my girlfriend but when I tried to penetrate her my penis wouldn't go in. It was blocked. And my girlfried was like all excited on me saying, it wont go in!!! Please can you give me some help for it to slide in better? Thanks to those who will."

We thought it would be great to be able to advise this young man on how to stick his disco stick into his young lady, but only if a specialist did so. And give this specialist a regular column, every Friday during the month of August to start out, instead of the illustrated FMLs (the illustrators all being on holiday). So, if you're having problems, need advice in matters of the heart, have issues with your relationships, unrequited love, need sexual healing, send her a message. You might appear in the first issue! 

Her profile is here:

Auntie Bernie's profile

This link might not work on every media, especially on apps and smartphones. DON'T PANIC. She'll be the first to comment on the article, so all you have to do to send her a message, or add her to your contacts to send her a message later is click on her comment and then click on the arrow icon thing or whatever it is that allows you to send a PM to someone (it varies on each app, but it's usually the arrow).

Oh yeah, we forgot to mention something. Bernie's style of dealing with people's problems is very… odd. This is FML, so we don't beat around the bush and hold people's hands. If you were expecting us to tuck you into bed, you were very much mistaken. We aren't a bunch of hippies braiding each other's hair. She will pick you up and throw you into a ditch if you're not careful. You have been warned.

Right, get cracking, start sending her your trouble and strife, and expected the unexpected.

#1530 - Special guests - On 07/24/2015 at 11:58am by Alan - 31 comments

The Best of the Worst #16

Summer's here and the time is right, for Best of Worsting in the street! Yeah, alright, that doesn't mean much, but I love the Martha and the Vandellas song and so should you. Anyway, the Best of the Worst of FML is back, and it's number 16. You'd think that people would get sick of it by now, but it's become one of the most popular items on FML. Weird. It's like people enjoy taking the piss out of simple folk who can't spell, don't know simple words like "waitressing", let alone form a coherent sentence. Yes, I'm being patronising, but that's the way I roll with my gang. Let's get on with the show.

For the noobs: we get sent thousands of FMLs each and every day, whether it's Christmas Day or a regular Monday. We only publish a few because most are boring, as those of you who help out in the moderation page well know. Most are crap, then there are those which are from a different species altogether. This is a collection of some of the best of the crap FMLs that people have taken the time to write and send in to us. I wonder who they are, why they do this and what drugs they are taking (and can I have some?). Let's have a look.
 

Is there a doctor in the room? 

Today,Rock has drank himself STUPID!! He had a woman, “he just met”, who is in withdrawal from HEROIN, wanting to know if I’d “give her something”. I’m not running a methadone clinic! she’s a HEROIN JUNKIE!! He told me he brought her here because I am “a doctor.”.. Me?? No. FML
 

Turtle

Today, it’s late,I’m in my feelings. he made me look dumb. I don’t even know if he liked me and he told ppl things about me, but what. Moral of the story don’t let a senior talk to you when you’re a freshmen. These fboys??ladies go chase that paper. My love for Franklin? gets stronger? each day
 

Juicy

Today,I fell down the stairs and my mom licked the blood off of my nipples she said it tasted like ur dads juicy pustache (penismustache)
 

Whatcha gonna do?

Today,I got Fuken fired I got let go because I’m a bad boy salesman!!
 

Air freshener

Today, I was asleep in class and my teacher decides to write on my face. What did he draw? A pines. FML
 

Stand by your man

FUCK UGLY ASS CHIMPMUNK LOOKING BITCHES WHO STEAL BOYFRIENDS AND JUST YEAH…
 

I'm in love with my car

Today, when I picked my date up and walked her to my Camaro, she yelled “A Corvette!” When I patiently explained that it was a Camaro, she replied, “A cawhatto?” FML
 

Swiftian wit

Today, in the morning I was listening to the radio looking forward to the day then they announced that her royal sluttyness (Taylor Swift) is coming to Australia, totally killed my day
 

Quack

Today, my doctor informed me that the curvature of my penis was caused by “excessive masturbation during puberty”. Needless to say, he refused to shake my hand on the way out. FML

 

Basket case

I AM TURKOGLU OF THE ORLANDO MAGIC. LEBRON JAMES AKA MVP JUST SHOT A WINNING THREE OVER MY ASS!!!! AND I STILL AM WEARING MY STUPID SMIRK

That's it for July, then. We'll be back next month with a some more weirdness, because there's plenty more from where that came from. You can probably catch some more by using the aforementioned "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these are all collected from the website since its launch, so don't bother trying to send in silly FMLs to try and get them published here, it won't work. See you next month !
 

 

Bonus track: People cannot write things, or even use their brains to make up a story that seems possible. A lot of what we receive is straight to /r/ThatHappened territory, and we never never publish something that seems way too implausible. But this one, well, it's on the fence.
 

This happens at FML, too

today my coworke..female..smiled at me and told.me to meet her at starbucks after work..and I farted and said no..she slappes me..and said she loves me

#1531 - About FMyLife - On 07/22/2015 at 5:01am by Alan - 60 comments

Chiara's illustrated FML

Hi there, cool cats ! I'm glad to see you all again. Seeing you again means it's Friday; Friday is illustrated FML day (and it's also the weekend of course). It's not yet vacation time for everyone, so make the most of your weekend if you can, and the warm weather if you've got some, to do the things you like to do, with the people you like. Or tolerate. I'll be wandering the streets making obscene gestures at anything containing Minions, shouting at pigeons, and then ending up in front of the TV with a fan pointing at my naked body. Yes, I have weird pastimes. This week, we're searching for something, whether it's concrete (lost jewelry) or abstract (lost time). The illustrated FML that we've cooked up is somewhere in between the two, oscillating between the abstract and the concrete, a bit like Duchamp's urinal. Or something. Yeah OK, the heat is getting to me, let's just get on with it!

CHIARA'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"My biggest phobia is Gollum. I'm deathly scared of him. I couldn't bring myself to use his image from the movie, so I took a picture from a Tolkien book."

Self-portrait Chiara by Kumy-san

 


This week it's Chiara's turn to have a manga-themed go at an FML. It's a little less pronounced than in the last two illustrations, so I'm not going to go overboard about it. 

Her info:
Age: 15 
Location: Paris
Website: Her DeviantArt page
Her illustrated FML: The one with the ring


Wow, Chiara is pretty young! 15 years old! I almost feel like joking that I've got bunions on my feet that are older than she is. I won't make such a corny joke because it wouldn't be very respectful, seeing as she's got quite the talent. You just have to check out her DeviantArt page and the few illustrations that are scattered around this article to see that she's good at drawing things. She says that she "loves to draw, of course, but what I prefer is colour things in. Give drawings life with colours is really cool. I lack technical skills of course, you can see it in my drawings, ha ha." That's not how I would've put it. In any case, she's quite busy in everyday life, because she's still in school, but still finds time to improve her technique: "I go to high school and I spend time working on my story. I've recently started working on a short story which is about 20 pages long and I intend on illustrating it one day!" Great news, but it leaves us wondering what the story will be, what the intrigue is, and what it will look like. It sounds pretty much top secret, so we'll wait and see.

What's her recent news? "At the moment, I've been trying to find the time to draw but it's not been easy with my exams going on and all the other stuff. I like it when things are going at a high pace, so I'm not too bothered!" Ah, exams, a long forgotten memory. The only exams I get these days are medical ones, to check whether I should stop drinking or sleeping around (answer to both questions: No way). So what's Chiara's story? "I'm in high school, next year I'll be starting sixth form tech, then I'll be doing literary studies. My dream is to write childrens stories and illustrate them." Quite a nice dream. I had a dream in high school. It involved drinking and sleeping around. I guess I've succeeded on that count. I suppose I could've been one of those boring twunts who waffles on about calories and lifting weights. Sod that for a game of soldiers. Follow your dreams, that's what I do

Any projects cooking in that young brain of yours? "For the moment, I'm trying to grab hold of the box of cookies that my mother has put too high up for me too grab. My 5 foot 4 can be a problem sometimes. I'm kidding of course." Hey, that's an ambitious project that I can get behind, and so can our readers. I'm lucky enough to be really tall, so I often help out the less fortunate amongst you to get things from higher places, especially in supermarkets. Grannies love me. Speaking of which, we recently got a complaint on Facebook about an FML which contained the word "Midget", which was deemed "offensive", but we agreed to disagree after I used the "Doug Stanhope Defence" regarding words that people find offensive. Watch the clip. Anyway, where were we? "I'd love to finish my story (how many times have I mentioned it during this interview? I don't know), finish my education, carry on drawing!" We still don't know what the story is about. Maybe she could create an account on FML and come and tell us about it, a bit like the follow-ups. 

What made you want to draw? What inspires you? "A while back, I was in a community where people create animations on DS. I started creating my own animations, then I started drawing better. When the community closed down, I swore to carry on drawing. I was given a graphics tablet, and I was set." And what a good idea it was to keep going, you should never give up.

Are there any other artists whose DeviantArt accounts you check out now and again? "I love Yamio and Yennineii on Deviantart, I lie prostrate in front of their drawings, crying, "Argh, will I be able to draw like that one day?" Of course you will, there's no reason why not. Where there's a will, there's a way (well, that's my mindset when I think about my unrequited love for the girl who works in the bakery across from my building, who is still unaware of my feelings). 

What are your pleasures, pastimes and vices in life? "I like to draw, write, go out with my friends, play tennis, run, eat caramels (I always have some on me when I draw, even though I know drawing a lot means my waistline is going to suffer)." Nibbling while working is another modern day problem. People used to smoke while working (I'm not going to suggest that Chiara starts a 20 Benson and Hedges a day habit, that would probably be illegal), but banning smoking in workplaces has caused people to start eating candy, Twix, kebabs and cocaine. Oh, that's illegal too. 

Do you have a personal FML to tell us about? "Today, I got the scare of my life. I had an arts history exam, and one of the examinators' phones went off when I was talking. I was so frightened that I fell over. FML" Falling over, that's so Ally McBeal, and… oh yeah, that's a very '90s reference. Ask your parents.

To finish off the interview, can you give budding illustrators some advice? "Practice, obviously. And show your drawings to other people, because they often have a more objective opinion than we do about our work." And choose the other people wisely. Don't show your stuff to your cynical friends, for whom everything has to be viewed ironically. They have self-esteem issues, and will drag you down with them. Good luck! 

Right, turn off your TV and go and do! Thanks to Chiara for here illustrated FML. It's Friday, it's summer, let's put the dogs in the car, stick a great song on the radio and let's burn anything with Minions on it. There. Next week, it'll be something a bit different. It's a surprise, you'll see. Be excellent to each other!

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1529 - Illustrated FML - On 07/17/2015 at 9:35am by Alan - 4 comments

Cécilia's illustrated FML

It's summer ! It's a heatwave ! I'm well aware of that fact because I almost fainted in the street the other day, and I had to hide in a supermarket and sit in the airconditioned neon glow and wait for the weirdness to subside. Last week we were sort of celebrating the Paris Japan Expo, and yes, I know, that's done and dusted, but we're keeping the spirit alive by having another Manga-themed illustration this week. However, this week I'm not dressed in a cosplay outfit, I've slipped back into something more comfortable. I've put a trucker's hat on, along with a t-shirt that says "Jesus is coming" above a Minion, so I can fit in with the 2000 American tourists in my neighbourhood. Erm, what was I saying? Yes, this week's illustration has its lines deeply drawn in the Manga camp. Right, let's check it out, cosplay or not. Oh, and remember to hydrate yourself if it's hot. Chop chop.

CÉCILIA'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I've already drawn on sheets of toilet paper or on my thighs in the bathroom to pass the time."

Self portrait Cecifolle by Cécilia

 


As I've said, this week we're staying Manga with Cécilia. And it rhymes, sort of. She also goes by the nickname Cecifolle, which roughly translates as Cecicrazy, but Cécilia is better for the purposes of this article. 

Her info:
Age: 24
Location: La Garde, France
WebsiteCecifolle
Her illustrated FML: The one with the sports bag


As you can see, Cécilia really is Manga. As we did last week, we're staying for a bit longer in the Japan Expo theme, which took place in Paris at the time. We could've shown both illustrations at the time, but like precious metals or really sweet candy, you have to consume them in small doses because what's rare is expensive. Or something like that. Cécilia is on the road to educating, or more precisely, "I'm preparing the exam to become a nursery school teacher, even though I have some trouble with spelling…" Yep, that's going to be a bit of a problem. You can't be a teacher if you write school with a K. I'd better do a proper spellcheck on this article now I've written that. If you see any odd spellings, don't hesitate to tell me. It does happen to me a lot, I know. 

She likes to draw: "What I like is to provoke an emotion in other people, and give my drawings life with a few lines, which is why I like to sketch. What I'd like is a bit more self confidence so that I could create my own little world and then show it to other people." Saying a "few lines" shows a lack of self confidence, because she already draws pretty well from where I'm sitting, you just have to check out the few examples on this blog page. 

As for her news, it's obviously all about the kids. "For the moment, I draw for my own personal pleasure, but I'd like to make albums for children, as a sideline to my career as a teacher, but with more of an occidental style than a Japanese one I guess. My heart is torn between the two. I'd also like to create my own mangas, well, I've got a small project on the go which will short see the light of day on my blog, as soon as I've reached the right drawing standard." It's true that we'd like to see what she'd be capable of producing in a more "traditional" style, outside of the Manga style. Maybe she could come back at a later date and create another illustrated FML to show us what she can do? 

Where did you go to school? "I went to school from nursery school to high school in my hometone La Gare. I then went to Nice to study Psychology. I blew my mind. Once I got my third year diploma, I went to the ESPE (education school) to learn how to teach." Small world. I studied Psychology too, I got to the fourth year then got a job as a… sound designer. It can get you anywhere. And I know Nice a bit, too. I'm going back at the end of the month to… Erm, I'm not going to tell you my life story, we're here to talk about Cécilia, but I will say that it'll be the Guacamole festival. 

What or whom made you want to draw? What inspires you? "My grand-father, at first, who was a Disney fan. He always showed me his drawings and taught me to draw with circles. In middle school, I didn't know the internet or Mangas and all that, but I was given my first Manga DVD box set and I met some friends who were really into that sort of stuff. It was then in high school that I really got interested when I met a girl who had a lot of talent, she really motivated me, and I followed in her footsteps. I created a blog, she showed me the graphics tablet and it was a revelation. It was only by the end of my Psychology diploma, two years ago, that I started to draw seriously so I could make progress."

Besides the talented girl, are there any other artists that you check out? "Her artist name is Hadh. Otherwish, there's Nadou, Maliki and Mi eau. There are so many." 

What are your pleasures in life? "I love animals, I'm crazy about them, I should've been a vet… But other than that, I love doing nothing, being at home, drawing, watching TV shows… I don't really like going out. Maybe because I'm still a student, paradoxically I like playing life simulation games where you have to do lots of things, like administrate a farm (Harvest Moon). I don't really have a passion because I like everything: cooking, piano, TV shows, movies, but I consider them to be hobbies. I think I'm going to make my job as a teacher my passion." 

Do you have a personal FML to share with everyone? "Off the top of my head : Today, I've entered for the first time into my new apartment to take some measurements. I've gone out onto the balcony, closing the door behind me, but the bay door clicks shut. It's locked, it's January, my phone and my jacket are inside, I'm on the 4th floor. I'm cold. FML". Well done, the whole team agrees, you deserved it.

To finish off, can you give some words of advice to anyone starting off in illustrations and drawing? "Draw what you love." That's pretty succinct, but it's quite good advice. I've tried to teach friends how to play the guitar, and it's pretty much what I tell them to do. It can be quite pointless trying to learn songs they don't really know or like, the easiest thing to do is stick on a song they love and try and pick up the chords or parts of the song by ear. If they can do that, they're halfway there. I'm guessing that drawing works the same way. If you start by trying to copy the drawings you love, and you'll get there eventually. I should try it too!

That'll be it for now! Thank you Cécilia for taking part in. I don't think I've left any spelling mistakes, and if there are, it's your fault for being a terrible teacher! This weekend it's a train journey down the south of France for me, I'm going to see some friends and hang out. Next week we'll be getting another illustration, and the week after that will be a surprise! You'll see. Have a very funny Vine, and be excellent to each other until next week. We'll let Cécilia have the last word. Take care. 

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1528 - Illustrated FML - On 07/10/2015 at 8:22am by Alan - 6 comments


FML's blog

  • Auntie Bernie replies #1
  • Hello all you crybabies, from Land's End to John o' Groats. Yes, I'm finally here my lovelies. Since last week, my inbox hasn't stopped humming with the noise of new mail dropping into it, letters full…

Friday 31 July 2015

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