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The Best of the Worst #26

Hi gang! How are you doing? We said in August that we'd be back in September, so here we are. It's been a weird old month, people have been on vacation, then returned and now summer is almost over and we have to get used to the idea that it's no longer all fun and games in the sun. But the weirdoes never go away. They send us strange, unpublishable FMLs, and we just keep stockpiling them. Let's take a look.  

For the people who have never seen this section of FML before: we get sent lots of FMLs, each day, all day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are not very good, copies of old FMLs or just plain old rubbish. Amongst those, we also get sent very weird stories, if you can call them stories. That's what we post in this column. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in. Have a look at this month's bunch.
 

Facial frustration 

Today, I wish dr phill would jus grow a beard all ready, I’m tired of seeing him with jus his mustache. Lol

Dialogue

MY MUMS EMBARRASSING. me: I’m hungry Mum: I’m cliff, drop over sometime? Me: are you fu*king kidding me.? Everyone: Trees: Birds: -.-


Oh the humanity

Today, I went and eat mcdonald , I ask for a curry sauce , they say it’s only available for nuggets


Man, I feel like a woman

Today, I found out my parents are gay with each other. So now I have 2 dads just one looks like a woman FML


Book learnin'

Today, I must have to read a book from my parants book reading is sooo bullshit FML


Insanity

Today, i was listening to BOTDF which stands for blood on the dance floor its a band theres a guy named dahvie vanity and i told my friend i have vanity insanity she replied to me society needs clarity and more manatees because humanity cant exist with out them thats just insanity F my friends. FML


Wrong direction

Today, I loved One Direction. I then realized once a Directioner, always a Directioner. People just don’t understand our love for them. FML.

Causality

Today, I had to get a fake leg and my mother died. FML


It's a gas gas gas

Today, my dad turned off all the hot water in the house, so trust me not to know that hot water is a gas. I hopped in the shower waiting for it to get warm but then my mum told me it’s a gas and that I had to have my shower in ice water! FML


Puppet master

Today, this guy stuck his finger puppet up my ass and he did it infront of his gf and she now hates me! FML


That's it for September. We'll probably be back next month for some more weirdness because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself while they are sent in by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. We can spot the phonies. Take care!
 

 

 

Bonus track: This person thinks that saying FML is like being… suicidal?

Wise words

Why does everyone use FML?Does anyone know the song “I hope you dance”?Its says “never take one breath for granted” so by saying FML is saying you want to die..Think before you tell/type

#1610 - About FMyLife - On 09/16/2016 at 9:24am by Alan - 33 comments

Win a very rude colouring book!

If you've been on FML for a while, you'll probably know what it's like when life gets in the way of being a normal human being. Some people use booze and pills to calm down. Others have developed an addiction to colouring books. But this being FML, how can we help our lovely members to chill out for a while? No booze or drugs on offer here, unfortunately, but we do have something quite special for you to win.

 

James Alexander, the creator/author contacted us here at FML, and we loved the books so much that we've decided to team up and let some of you lucky people have the chance to get one for free! 
 

What are these books?

Do you ever have to restrain yourself from shouting at someone at work? Or, maybe like Andy Murray you feel the need to scream obscenities with frustration at yourself or just in general at the current political situation? Restrain yourself no more!  Instead, colour the words you want to say but cannot with James Alexander’s brilliant new books Memos to Shitty People and Release Your Anger.

Hilarious, stress-relieving and delightfully deviant, these books are deceptively simple and a genuinely therapeutic use of colourful language. Each single-sided page includes such tension-busting phrases as, ‘Seriously, Bitch?’ and ‘Oh look... the fuck-up fairy has visited’ or ‘Fuck you, you fucking fuck’. Cute, innocent animals, beautiful flowers or intricate mandalas are hidden in the backgrounds to help let the steam out. To find out more about them, visit James and his books at swearybook.com.
 

So, how can you win one?

It's pretty easy. You can either comment underneath this article the reasons why you deserve to win one. And throw in your favourite swear words for good measure. On Monday the 26th of September, we will declare 5, that's FIVE winners, using our totally arbitrary selection process. Or you can take part in the Facebook competition!

For the rest of you, you can also buy a copy by clicking on the book !?

 

 

 

 

 

Good luck!

#1609 - Pictures - On 09/13/2016 at 4:47am by Alan - 427 comments

Zach Hitori's illustrated FML

The illustrated FML is back! It's been a while, I know, but we've been contacted by quite a few budding artists, so we can finally deliver some content, as media twits would say. It's Friday, everyone's back at school, and public transportation has changed from the summer feeling of a few tourists here and there, back to regular people going to work, without deodorant or any regards for the people around them. So, to cheer you up, here's a new illustration. I don't know whether it'll be enough, but we're trying our hardest. Here we go.

ZACK HITORI'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"Bread and cheese… I'm quite primitive and basic about it."

Selfportrait Zack by Florian

 


Zach is a French dude called Florian. I'm not going to give away any more details because he wishes to remain pretty anonymous. National security concerns, you see. 

His info:
Sites: His blog and his Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one with granny

 


Who are you?
I'm Zack Hitori! As you may have gathered, it's not my real name, it's my artist's name. It's quite traditional to have one, so I couldn't go against traditions.

What do you do?
My job is being an illustrator. It's a real job! I mainly work with Biology and Environment labs to create drawings of insect anatomy and making science accessible (in the shape of cartoons or semi-realistic images). It's what brings home the bacon. I also make digital painting illustrations and concept art. And I create things for private orders. I've also got an eponymous webcomic that has many subjects and is a bit more geeky, like the future of video games. 

Where do you come from?
I'm from the south of France originally, and also a bit from the Lorraine area in France. I've been here for quite a while.

How old are you?
Nearly 25. In a few days. Just in case you feel like buying me a present. 

What's your favourite self-penned illustration? 
There's one that I really enjoyed creating: a personalised order for someone. A Fallout fanart for a poster in the true 1950s tradition. I loved making it! 

Who is your favourite illustrator?
Wow, erm, it's going to be difficult to choose between Goscinny, the Disney illustrators, Godi (Ducobu), Don Rosa (the official illustrator along with Carl Barks from Scrooge). Or even Miyasaki... But I think the person (and the drawings) that incited me to start drawing was Maliki. You know her, the girl with the pink hair and pointy ears. I've followed her from her beginnings and she gave me strength to never give up and recently make a career out of it. 

Your passions, besides illustrating?
Without a doubt, video games. I've been really into them since I was 3 years old. It's a melting pot of art and culture! I play anything, except sports games, FPS (except one or two) and car games. And before that, I was into weightlifting, but that's no longer something I do too much. 

Your favourite place in the world?
I'm hesitating between "In front of the console" or my toilet because it's really comfortable! Come on, everybody has been in there for an hour to read or play games in peace, haven't they? 

What gets on your nerves?
Pretentious and closed-minded people. And doing the washing up.

What makes you happy?
I think it has to be eating. Bread and cheese… I'm quite primitive and basic about it. I also like getting feedback on my illustrations and drawings, it makes me happy, which leads to making me want to carry on and do better, on and on, and especially from the people who support me, and always have done. 

Who is your hero?
One of my close aunts. Who taught me about tolerance, and always supported me for EVERY one of my projects. She taught me to live with other people's differences and cultures. She taught me a lot. She's the president of two important associations, she's over 70 and she's still going strong. I admire her so much. 

 


What's your favourite smell?
Almonds

The job you wouldn't have liked to have done?
There are so many… I'm not sure what to say. A job that turns you into a drone, that doesn't require that you be curious, or interested, without contact with people, non-fulfilling and without ambitions. Working on a factory line, for example. 

 

If you had to take a book, a record, a comic book or movie on a desert island, which one would it be?
A book by H.P. Lovecraft! Any of them! A recording of the 25 years of Zelda orchestra. The movie: Donnie Darko. A comic: Bone. 


What would you like to sell to us this week?
My services as an illustrator of course. If you need a fan art, a portrait or something created, just ask! I take all orders and do my best according to the client's budget. 

If God exists, what would you like him to ask you after you die? 
I'd like to hear: "Hey, sorry! I didn't do it on purpose… It's been a while since I took an interested, they're all morons! Come on, it's open bar all the time here, wanna go get a drink?" 

That's it for this week. Many thanks, Zach! Come back whenever you want, it was a real pleasure. Next week will probably be another illustration, a picture of a giraffe or some people playing table tennis. I don't know. Until next time, here's a golden retriever being saved from homelessness, and the love of a cat for a baby. See you soon, and be excellent to each other.

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1608 - Illustrated FML - On 09/09/2016 at 5:28am by Alan - 3 comments

Caption today's FML Photo


Hello everyone! FML is doing well and we hope that you are too. We're going to give you something new to play with in the shape of a picture to caption so you can procrastinate for a bit. Concentrate, think outside the box.
 

How does this work?

We're putting up a picture, which is a photo we found somewhere. Nothing containing famous people or anything off the TV. Just a guy behind the wheel with an exasperated and/or stressed out look on his face. It's up to you to tell the story behind it, using the "Today, (…) FML" template that we all know and love. Then, according to your votes, and a totally arbitrary choice on our part, we'll post the FML Photo in the category and credit the author of the caption.

The FML Photos are a colourful addition to FML. You can make them legendary. To do so, we're once again appealing to your creativity and sense of humour. Show us what you've got, if you've got it. There's no reason why there shouldn't be any comedy gold to be found in them hills.


Get on with it. Show us the photo already.

Here it is:


Feeling inspired?
If so, add your suggestions and captions in the comments below, in the best FML style you can think of. The funniest will be published in the FML Photos category, and the author will be showered in the glory of having their name mentioned alongside their creation. Ready? Go!

Subtle warning: Captions posted in response to top-voted captions, or in response to the captions in the first few positions will be disqualified/deleted/hissed at. Comment on the article, not the comments, so your votes actually count!

#1607 - Pictures - On 09/06/2016 at 5:55am by - 57 comments

14 Athletes who probably couldn't cut it at the Olympics

Unless you've been living under a rock, you’ll have noticed that the Olympic Games started in Rio a week or so ago. You might even watch them while wishing you were as fit as fuck. While the athletes you see on television excel in their profession, those we get to see on FML… not so much. Here’s the selection of our favourite Olympic-cum-sports disasters.


There were many junk issues…

Today, I was forced to get up in front of ten swim teams, including my own, and a hundred spectators to swim 100 yards with an obvious boner sticking out of my suit. FML

Today, I got hit between the legs with a kayak. FML

Today, I went to boxing and this hot chick asked me if I was wearing a sports cup. I replied yes when I wasn't. I thought she was going to check with her hand and feel. She checked with her knee. FML

While some let a little loose.

Today, I nailed every single move in my routine at a gymnastics competition. I then finished off with a perfect split, letting out a fart loud enough to wake up a kid in China. FML

Today, while watching the Olympics, my father found it completely necessary to make a farting sound every single time an athlete jumps or bends over. This will be a very long few weeks. FML

Dad goals, tbh.


Some tried to impress the other sex.

Today, at archery practice, I jokingly said that I'd kiss the next person to get a bullseye. They all made a point of missing their targets, some even shooting their arrows way off to the side. FML


I feel you. Been there, done that, got the crappy t-shirt.

Today, I had just finished riding my bike when I ran into the girl I am secretly in love with. While I walked over to her I got an erection through my spandex biking shorts. FML

Or used to impress, in this probably now one-eyed guy’s case. 

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

Some deserved it…

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

Today, my neighbor threatened to call the cops if I didn't turn the volume down on my porno. I was only watching women's tennis. FML

YEAH RIGHT.


And some were just purely out of luck.

Today, I played a volleyball game at my school. Not only did I miss the winning point, the ball hit my face in the process, which resulted in popping a big fat zit on my nose. FML

Today, I was trying out for my school's athletics team. As I reached the finish line for the 100m sprint, there was so much momentum I couldn't stop. I ended up running into a wall. FML

Today, my dad decided to take me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML


Tasty.


Anyway, for all of our would-be, also-ran athletes, here's a badge. Gold star for your efforts, go to the top of the class. Wear it with pride.


Congrats.

In the meantime, the rest of us will be watching the rest of the Olympics hoping for another broken leg, or fall someone to fall off the horse thing, or make a pathetic attempt at a dive from a really high diving board. Because that's what we do here at FML, we make fun of people doing things that we could never dream of doing, and being cynical twits while we're at it. See you soon!

#1606 - About FMyLife - On 08/17/2016 at 9:43am by Emma - 9 comments