By Noname - United States

You tried!

Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31868

50755

Sex

Love

Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

You tried

By disgusted - United Kingdom

Today, my parents and I attended the funeral of my husband's mother. It was open-casket, and my parents went to take a look. My mum muttered, "With a dress that tacky, no wonder she died", and my dad chuckled. A fight quickly erupted, and the police were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48820

You deserved it

5318

Favorite

By kl - Canada

Today, after waiting a couple weeks, I finally slept with this guy I really like. It went like this: 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, done. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25037

You deserved it

4757

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Westbury

Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45734

You deserved it

6334

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting at a traffic light when a cute girl appeared at the side of the road. I sat and watched her until she had crossed, when I realised that I had missed the light. A large queue of cars had built up behind me, yet none of them used their horn because I was driving my police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9574

You deserved it

54067

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By TheHeirofTime - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14190

You deserved it

1707

Favorite

By sad_unicorn - Australia - Yagoona

The Intruder

Today, I have to close my bedroom door with a bucket because I don't have a door latch from previous owners. When my partner and I were going at it, we had to stop because the cat kept reaching around the door, trying to attack the bucket and destroying the mood. Cat 1 - Humans 0. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4868

You deserved it

977

Favorite

By punaise ... - France - Marchaux

Today, to avoid walking on a thumbtack that had fallen on the floor, my little sister took a red sharpie to the carpet and drew a circle around it, "so that way, everyone will see it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32696

You deserved it

3058

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By sickofit - United States - Charlotte

Today, at work, our boss's son came in to help. The whole time he was there he sat in the back on his phone not helping and whenever we asked him to do something, he had an attitude. The only time he voluntarily got up to help was when his dad came in to check on the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21628

You deserved it

1423

Favorite

By Unwanted - Austria

Take the hints

Today, my boyfriend declared he doesn't feel ready to move in with me for at least "some more years". We have already been together for five years. When he bought an apartment one year ago, he kept it a secret for three months. Maybe I should learn to take a hint. Or several hints. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22462

You deserved it

4563

Favorite

By Noname - Ireland

Today, I found the family's pet hamster under my mattress, he's been missing for six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32865

You deserved it

3164

Favorite

By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me because he's sick of me being annoyed at him. Why am I annoyed at him? Because he wants to go and spend a week with his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41472

You deserved it

5295

Favorite

By ann - 5/6/2021 14:00

Too real

Today, my daughter complained that she no longer wanted to talk about poop, as it grosses her out. This is a girl who can eat a rare steak while watching a guy’s arms get hacked off on TV, but poop is where she draws the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks

410

You deserved it

615

Favorite

By HURP - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26016

You deserved it

13090

Favorite

By FailureAtLife121 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10123

You deserved it

52136

Favorite

By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, my boyfriend moved. He moved from my room... to my housemate's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34600

You deserved it

3594

Favorite

By nomorefreehugs - United States

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26645

You deserved it

41125

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By Foreverathome - United States

Today, after months of telling my parents I was going to live on my own, I finally moved out. Not even 24 hours being out of their house, some reject burned down the apartment complex I live in. Guess who's moving back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35835

You deserved it

2561

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my "I don't believe in pre-marital sex" boyfriend is the father of my younger sister's newborn baby. After four years of being in a serious, but sexless, relationship, I am now single, horny, and an aunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59778

You deserved it

6174

Favorite

By FenRackety - Canada

Today, at work, I was trying to get the octopus out of its tank to transfer it to another one. It instantly latched to my face and sprayed ink all over me. My boss told me to stop playing with the animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54639

You deserved it

5754

Favorite

By OG Pinecone - United States - Englewood

Today, I was hanging with friends up at my best friend's cabin. We were in his hot tub cracking jokes when he told one that sent me into a fit of hysterics. He tried to shut me up by splashing water on me. It worked, because when I jerked my head to the side, I dislocated a rib. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1568

You deserved it

192

Favorite

By shitfaced - Netherlands - Sassenheim

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22588

You deserved it

9437

Favorite

By Marc - United States

Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30853

You deserved it

2176

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By fuck off, dad - Colombia

Today, my dad had a chat with my fiancé, telling him he can do better than me, and to think carefully before going through with our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48269

You deserved it

4211

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By Ann - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. While I was at the store, an employee came up to me and said, "You're beautiful!" When I came home I told my husband what had just happened. My husband then asked, "What was wrong with him?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

54465

You deserved it

5459

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By Dan V - United States - Troy

Today, I found out my co-worker had made plans for a night out, just as I'd cancelled all of mine to work with him on a project for the next 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10945

You deserved it

848

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By Walter - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31998

You deserved it

6205

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By neednewdeoderant - United States

Today, I walked into my bathroom to find my girlfriend applying my deodorant. This would have been fine, if she wasn't applying it to her mouth. I don't think deodorant helps with bad breath, but a quick Google search shows that it does help with herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47482

You deserved it

3537

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my piano teacher complimented my song, calling it great. I was proud and thanked him, then realized he was being sarcastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39623

You deserved it

4890

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my five-year-old told me she had accidentally swallowed a thumbtack. In panic mode we raced to the ER. With no insurance. Only after the tests, examinations and X-rays did she tell me was "just joking." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34369

You deserved it

3740

Favorite

By WTF Mom

Today, I discovered the reason my 12-year-old brother has been anxious and afraid of cops for the last 6 months. My crazy mother convinced him that porn is illegal and comes with a death penalty. She did the same thing to me when I was his age. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4944

You deserved it

457

Favorite

By blabla - France

Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22280

You deserved it

4710

Favorite

By mook - United States

Mixed messages

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesn't know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59131

You deserved it

5659

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By Meowitzer

Classy Mom

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1224

You deserved it

1013

Favorite

By ugh annoying - United States

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37124

You deserved it

3958

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By Anonymous

Had any calls lately?

Today, I noticed that all 200 remaining business cards out of the 500 that I had made have the wrong phone number on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

775

You deserved it

1299

Favorite

By Cody - United States

Today, I got pulled by a cop because I forgot to put my registration sticker on. I get nervous around authority and have nervous shakes. I ripped the registration sticker 3 times trying to put it on. The cop then gave me a ticket for "Improper Equipment". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30651

You deserved it

7023

Favorite

By stupid me - 28/10/2020 06:02 - Israel

Freudian slip

Today, while hugging my sister's husband, I accidentally let out a "Mmm…" sound in front my whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

384

You deserved it

993

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By anon - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27239

You deserved it

2151

Favorite

By whoops

Today, I saw that the wine bottle I couldn't open last night has a big hole in the top from my struggle to open it. It was a screw off top. Must have been drunker than I thought last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3633

You deserved it

2080

Favorite

By kirsty - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to a new deli in town. While waiting in line, I hadn't made up my mind on what to order, so I let the guy behind me go instead. Turns out he was the hundredth customer, and they gave him his lunch for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35355

You deserved it

9351

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Top comments

By JennyEatWorld | 0

#2478 - Monday 16 February 2009 1:31

Crawling across a table sure sounds like a brilliant idea.

Lose some weight.

By phunk | 0

#3477 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 19:53

Contrary to popular belief most tables aren't designed to hold a person's weight, that is unless it's a large banquet table from Ikea, in which case they probably shouldn't make lingerie in those sizes. For the world's sake.

COMMENTS

By JennyEatWorld | 0

#2478 - Monday 16 February 2009 1:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

dakotalesmercy | 6

#1007804 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 15:56

lol

trini_gal171 | 0

#2345639 - Thursday 14 April 2011 0:05

lmao hahaha

thatssomia | 12

#5877386 - Thursday 6 March 2014 13:44

wow, there goes the food too

Razor011 | 12

#6571839 - Friday 1 April 2016 4:55

Damn. Theres no sugar-coating with you.

SubaruWRXSTI | 16

#6656126 - Saturday 23 July 2016 19:18

even if she was relatively slim I don't think the table could hold that much weight.

By canadaboy | 0

#2483 - Monday 16 February 2009 1:45

Oh wow, did you finish the meal?

By NotoriousMandog | 0

#2486 - Monday 16 February 2009 1:47

That's why you don't shop at Ikea.

By NorfolkDude | 2

#2488 - Monday 16 February 2009 1:56

I wouldn't stress it. Many times people try to seduce their partner only to be embarrassed by the silliest things. Next time though, you should practice prior to get to know the feel of things, like for example a light table.

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#2489 - Monday 16 February 2009 1:57

Don't be so fat, fatty.

By Hannah_fml | 0

#2500 - Monday 16 February 2009 2:54

He was excited all right

By greenman_fml | 0

#2504 - Monday 16 February 2009 3:23

Lolfats

By blah_blah_shity | 0

#2527 - Monday 16 February 2009 4:41

LOL embarrassing! now you have a really interesting story to tell people

By thewelshmetal | 0

#2729 - Monday 16 February 2009 20:38

how much you packing?

By WhatThePhuc | 0

#2821 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 1:35

did u just ruin a man's dinner?