By Anonymous

Worth it.

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me the only reason he has stayed with me for the last 6 months is because of the Netflix account. FML

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Proactive

Coherence dude, do you have it?

True hero

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML

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By x.x - United States - Tampa

Today, I was taking a shower when the soap began to burn my eyes worse than they've ever burned before. I quickly grabbed whatever cloth I could find to rub my eyes with. My dad's old underwear was the last thing I would expect to find lying near the tub. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 08:08

Assumptions

Today, a salesman came to the door and I assumed the guy was peddling solar stuff. Before the poor guy had a chance to say anything, I blurted out, "We don't need any, we only spend $80 on electricity in the summer." He pointed to his shirt and replied, "I'm an exterminator." I then tried to awkwardly apologize. FML

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By Apparently not a writer - United States - Hockessin

Today, I uploaded the first chapter of my best writing yet to a popular writing website. After ten minutes, I was thrilled to already see one review and five comments. Each comment was telling me to immediately delete the story because of how horrible it was. The rating was half a star. FML

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By brittbrat4 - United States

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML

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By Embarassed - United Kingdom

Today, at a party I bumped into a friend of my ex. We caught the same bus home. He started telling me about my ex's "totally insane" ex-girlfriend. He refused to believe me when I told him he was talking about me. I had to sit there for half an hour as my personality was ripped to shreds. FML

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By negativesoup

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

I don't understand!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she did not want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

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By sunshinexx - Australia

Today, I announced to my family that I was going to start playing netball with my work colleagues. They all burst into fits of laughter at the thought of me doing physical activity. FML

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By meeranda - France

Today, my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me and the boy I'm not supposed to be seeing having sex. Did I mention doggie style? FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria

Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My grandfather read a poem he'd written about how he had taken my grandmother's virginity 60 years ago. It went on for about 30 minutes. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, I started my new job as a janitor at a store. The first thing that happened when I came in was another employee telling me that there was vomit in the restroom, and that I had to clean it up. Not only did I clean up vomit, I had to clean up the poop that made the kid puke in the first place. FML

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By tmi. - Australia

Today, a customer smiled, looked me in the eye and described to me in graphic detail the swelling that occurred to his nuts after his vasectomy. FML

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By Sherressa - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML

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By for the whored - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML

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By jenny2989 - United States

Today, I reached behind my couch to plug my phone charger in. My arm got stuck and I had to wait for my roommate to get home to help me. FML

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By Traffickills - United States - Hyattsville

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend, we were stuck behind a 7-car accident for 2 hours in the car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while walking my dog, we came across two men having a heated argument in the street. My dog decided the perfect place to poop was right next to them. He wouldn't budge no matter what. Meanwhile, one of the men pulled a knife, and I practically shat myself. FML

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By Damn

Today, I applied online for a position and typed, "OH&S Certificate." It autocorrected to, "OH&SHIT Certificate." I didn't notice until the site e-mailed me a copy of my completed application. They'd already received it. FML

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By Silent - United Kingdom

Today, I fainted for the first time in my life. I was in the shower. With my girlfriend. Apparently, my brain and my erection had a battle for who got the most blood, and my erection won. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife went into the bathroom at Walmart. Being almost sure there was no one else in there, I stood around the corner to scare her. As the door opened, I jumped around the corner and scared an innocent woman to so badly she peed herself. FML

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By lpara89

Today, my 7-month pitbull chewed up a framed picture of my parents and another framed picture of my other pitbull. Maybe he's mad I don't have any pictures of him framed yet. FML

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By Garrett - United States - Vista

Today, after I arrived at work, somebody crashed into my parked car and left a big dent. The impact pushed my car up onto the curb and I got a parking ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2021 00:30

Unwanted

Today, I found out my mom had been telling everyone how independent I was and just wanted to be left alone. I was homeless when I graduated valedictorian from high school and wondering why no one would let me stay with them, even when it was snowing. Now I know. FML

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By Oblivious - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I realized that it's become a regular occurrence for my mother and me to talk about our pubic hair. I don't know which is worse: the fact that I know she shaves it, or the fact that we even talk about this stuff. FML

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By kate9871

Mr. Nice Guy

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

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By Anonymous

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

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By Oh really - Australia

Today, my friend mentioned a book that reminded her of me. When I asked what it was called she said, "He's just not that into you". FML

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By Sarsippius

Today, I took a nap, and I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend got back together with me. I woke up in a great mood. When I went back to bed, I dreamed that she broke up with me, again. FML

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By Aintnosunshine - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

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By PolarBear2020 - 16/4/2021 23:05

Return to sender

Today, I was notified by my bank that the government stimulus check I had deposited last week had been returned. FML

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By NoJob - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, I had my first interview. Everything was going well until I made him repeat his name numerous times, as I couldn't understand what he was saying due to his thick accent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML

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By wrongcar - United States

Today, I was pulled over and was given a $300 ticket for going 90mph on a 70mph highway. The cop swore he saw my silver car darting in and out of traffic. A couple of minutes earlier that exact car had passed me while I was following the speed limit. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - Switzerland

Dancing queen

Today, in dance class, the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group. I slid down, my legs opening wider as I descended. I then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground. FML

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By 552220000

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

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By Sady_Ct

Be careful what you wish for…

Today, I caught my husband trying on the sexy bra I bought to wear just for him. For shits and giggles, I made him try on my dress too. He looked better in it than I do. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked in on my son flopping around on the floor with a blanket wrapped around his legs. Apparently at age 22, he'd rather pretend to be a mermaid than go out and get a damn job. FML

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Top comments

By Ahmed Sakr | 16

#7650116 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 1:49

World record for longest Netflix and chill

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7650117 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 1:51

Shoulda tried Hulu.

COMMENTS

By Ahmed Sakr | 16

#7650116 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 1:49

World record for longest Netflix and chill

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7650117 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 1:51

Shoulda tried Hulu.

By tranced_ | 44

#7650119 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 2:17

That guy has his priorities straight. Who knows he might be in a different relationship for Amazon prime as well. Hopefully his Netflixing days are over.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7650124 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 2:34

Get YouTubeTV and he’ll marry you.

By dwight7476 | 11

#7650138 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 4:08

Cheap bastard

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7650140 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 4:14

Sometimes when you break up you wonder if your life would be better if things had worked out.

I don't think that applies here.

By Davros | 12

#7650181 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 7:49

Did he at least want the chill ?

By ViviMage | 38

#7650207 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 8:37

You know Comcast and Verizon and other companies like cell phone plans sometimes offer this for free, right?

You are with more than 10.99/month!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7650374 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 16:25

Netflix is one hell of a drug.

Reply

Seeya55 | 31

#7650390 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 16:52

A free drug in this case!

By Seeya55 | 31

#7650389 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 16:51

Its worth it watching The Office again for the 5th time.