Intimacy and School: Today, I came back from college excited to see my parents and... - FML

By Anonymous - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I came back from college excited to see my parents and enjoy a nice home-cooked meal, but as I walked in the front door I was greeted by my parents having sex on the kitchen table. They didn't see me so I sneaked out and waited. I had to eat dinner at that table. FML

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Out of it

Dicks aplenty!

Life is unfair…

By dangeronpa

Today, I broke my glasses. My eyesight is horrible, I can’t see things that aren’t super close to my face. I'm supposed to drive to another state tomorrow. FML

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By LD619 - United States

Today, I gave my ex-girlfriend two concert tickets to show her I still care about her and want to win her back. She sold them. FML

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By smh - United States - Milltown

Today, my sister called me up extremely excited because she found out Flo Rida is from Florida. She's 22. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home to my parents holding my marijuana. They told me that I had the stupidest hiding place ever, and that I was, "not only a pothead, but a dumbfuck pothead." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to pour myself a cup of coffee and noticed our kittens were playing in the living room. Transfixed by the cuteness, I didn't notice I started pouring hot coffee on my hand and foot. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I broke up with the girl I'd been dating for two months because she started smoking. This is a deal breaker for me. I just found out from her friend that she started smoking for the sole purpose of getting me to break it off and now plans to quit. FML

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By PiMan - United States

Thanks, I hate it

Today, after spending four days having my resume, cover letter, and references proofread and perfected by professionals, I finally submitted it all to the summer internship of my dreams. I received a rejection letter ten minutes later. FML

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By no_service - United States

Today, my phone died. I plugged it in to charge and then went out to run some errands. When I returned, my phone was no where to be found, and our shovel was on the floor, muddy and wet. I then discovered my 6-year old son had buried my "dead" 200$ palmpilot because he had felt sorry for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML

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By thismustbewhyivestrivedtobesmart - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while on vacation, my brother asked a native of the area for help. Once he got it, he thanked them with "muchos gracias" in the best Spanish accent he could do. We're in Japan. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 11:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Is that a pass then?

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

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By yuhan

Today, while walking around outside with my friends, I was told that I have no right to complain about the heat since I'm not fat. Thirty minutes later, I had sweat out all the liquid in my body and promptly passed out from heat stroke. FML

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By Jackmeister

Ouch

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

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By AnnaMarie. - United States

Today, I was standing in the parking lot with my sister, after my aunt's funeral, when my grandma walks up and says to my sister, "You're the one going places in life, I'm proud to have you as a grand daughter." She then looked at me, and walked away. FML

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By FriendZone - United States - Abington

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

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By thatsillegal - United States

Today, I found out that my assistant is now my manager. FML

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By fuck you btichass cuntshit - United States - Shelburne

Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML

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By fuckinghicks - United States

Today, while going on a jog through the countryside, I discovered that it is actually possible outside of crappy TV shows to have a rifle leveled at you, and to be shouted at to, "Get off my land." FML

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By stillloverher

Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife's period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML

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By fmlpgh - United States

Today, my husband told me to hold out my hand. He opened his, and in mine dropped a giant mutant tooth he had pulled a few months ago. FML

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By ... - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend and I talked about our past relationships. He said he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was "too smart" for him, and that he felt better being with someone who "doesn't have too many lights on upstairs, if you know what I mean." FML

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By adjk90 - United States

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

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By foreveralone - United States

Today, it was the second anniversary of the day I met my girlfriend. I had to go to work, but I set an engagement ring and a letter on my pillow for when she woke up, and left breakfast for her on the counter. When I got home, she and all of her things were gone. FML

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By unloved - United States

Today, during an argument with my daughter she screamed "everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

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By Headache - United States

Today, the "Child Care and Development" class at my high school assigned all 50 students to carry a fake baby around school all day for a week. I can't even read a page of my notes without hearing a robotic crying noise. Today is the first day. FML

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By Thistle - United States

Today, I filled out an application at WalMart after being unable to find a job in three months. I just graduated from law school. With honors. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 16:58

Sounds like a catch

Today, the momma's boy I was getting to know cried when I said we should just be friends. He said I was being added to the list of people who treat him like shit and verbally abuse him. He has bad hygiene, musty, wears dirty clothes and I taught him how to properly clean a toilet. But I’m the bitch. FML

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By ivannooze - United States

Today, the heat rash that has been devouring my side for the last week was revealed to be something much worse: shingles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockwall

User notice

Today, I had to slowly explain to my brother that spooning has nothing to do with using a spoon to clean out a woman's vagina after sex. FML

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By grounded. - United States

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

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By disgruntled

Today, I was passed over for a team lead role at work which went to my older male coworker instead. He repeatedly said that he only wanted the position for the money and didn’t care about leading. When I asked why he was offered the role over me, they said he had more leadership experience. FML

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By Help - United States

Today, my family dragged me to an Alien-themed museum. They're convinced they were once abducted and felt up by creatures from outer space. They talk, and spend all their money, on nothing else. I'm hungry. FML

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By jaybob18 - United States

Today, I finally used the statistics book that I forked out $120 to buy. To kill an ant. FML

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By nose hurts - United States - Richmond

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had sex with a guy I'd had a crush on for a long time. When I asked if he was having trouble putting it in, he answered that he was fully in. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 23:00

Bad news

Today, I was hanging out with my friends and my sister, we were all wasted and I was making jokes. My sister then gets a phone call, I leave the room to get a drink and I hear everyone go a bit silent I come back in and all of the sudden everyone looks at me. My friend says, "Um… I'm so sorry, your mom passed." FML

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By buggingout - United States

Today, it's the first day of my Hawaiian honeymoon. We found out that the pool is under construction and our room is infested with roaches. We are paying $375 a night for this. FML

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By oneloveliz

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

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By Krissy - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my bratty sister shoved me overboard during a boat ride. Not ten seconds after being pulled back on board, I got an earful of abuse from my parents. My sister is the family favorite and they refuse to believe that I didn't "provoke" her. FML

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Top comments

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7650166 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 7:01

Looks like that table is used for a different kind of eating.

By real life problems | 26

#7650162 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 6:38

Not all things can be learned in college. Welcome to home school sex ed.

COMMENTS

By real life problems | 26

#7650162 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 6:38

Not all things can be learned in college. Welcome to home school sex ed.

By LadyRen | 20

#7650163 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 6:39

Did you not tell them you were coming? Unless your parents are weird like that.

Reply

SneezyBear | 27

#7651091 - Wednesday 20 June 2018 23:56

Nobody told him they were coming, either.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7650166 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 7:01

Looks like that table is used for a different kind of eating.

By bluhbluhbluh | 14

#7650168 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 7:06

Bang your head onto a wall until the memory goes away.

By sherri_baby88 | 35

#7650169 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 7:12

That's when you offer to help get dinner ready, set the table, etc, and wipe that motherfucker down with disinfectant wipes.

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7650173 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 7:29

You should wipe the table down with disinfectant wipes and insist the motherfucker take a shower.

Your mum should take one, too.

Reply

mekiswrite | 19

#7650493 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 20:09

I think burning the table would be more appropriate in this scenario.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7650172 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 7:26

If you notice some mayo on the table, take your plate up to your room and eat there.

(It’s not mayo!)

By Davros | 12

#7650180 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 7:47

Your not alone, so did your father. P.S. don't use the olive oil!

By Sarah Wickett | 4

#7650205 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 8:30

Sausage surprise 😂

By melisssa87 | 30

#7650262 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 11:12

I’m sure that’s only the second time your parents are doing it. First time was with you, so shouldn’t happen anymore

By Takegami | 22

#7650377 - Tuesday 19 June 2018 16:29

Time heals all wounds