Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our... - FML

By pistonsunshine - 10/10/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

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Proactive

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Not a cheating!

By TheRoad42 - 20/8/2013 12:54 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, when I got back to my dorm, I found a trail of ants trying to shove a dead roach into a power outlet. The front desk insists that there is no pest problem. FML

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By BadGirlfriend12 - 30/7/2010 02:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually offered me $1000 to break up with him, and to move back to where my family lives 5 hours away. FML

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By michelle - 15/11/2015 15:21 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML

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By chloeleigholivia - 10/1/2016 19:55 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, being the clean freak that I am, I bought an expensive pair of 'mop socks'. As I walked upstairs to show everyone, I slipped on the corner of the bottom step and landed on my face, breaking my toe in the process. FML

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By Spoilicious - 5/11/2012 15:58 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was reading a book in public. Some bastard stranger came over and started spoiling the plot for me. FML

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By KTBeck - 26/5/2020 14:00

Three is the magic number

Today, my husband returned from a hiking trip. We had "I missed you" sex and after we were done, he told me about all the ticks he had while on the trail. He then went to shower and while washing, he found a tick latched to his penis. I technically had a three way. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2019 14:00

Priorities, dude

Today, my friend told me I was a terrible person and didn't care about our friendship. Why? Because I broke our Snapchat streak by working and sleeping, instead of being on my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 23:02 - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend doggy-style. I was getting close when he suddenly blurts out, "Babe, you really need to bleach your asshole." FML

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By jessefonsexy. - 7/12/2010 11:08 - United States

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

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By yolonono - 4/12/2014 18:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was on a field trip with my son, my husband decided to get rid of our dog without asking anyone. Now I get to pick up the pieces of a broken heart, and he thinks he did nothing wrong. FML

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By lingling - 16/12/2012 00:57 - United States - Germantown

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2018 09:00 - United States - Buffalo

Today, while pooping at work, I was scrolling through social media. I dropped my phone in the toilet and the automatic flusher engaged, flushing my phone halfway into the pipes, which then flooded the toilet. I had to call maintenance and explain what happened to retrieve phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2011 23:15 - France

Today, I decided to prank my boyfriend by putting a pair of panties in his coat pocket. I stormed in and confronted him with the "evidence". I guess the prank worked; he broke down and confessed to cheating on me. FML

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By Boyufd - 8/6/2020 17:06

Never get involved

Today, my sister told me her ex-boyfriend abused her and I went to go confront him. Turns out, she lied because he dumped her after she cheated on him. I got my ass kicked. FML

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By lingadoo - 7/12/2012 05:46 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML

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By MiserableGradStudent - 11/12/2017 01:30

Triple Dog Dare

Today, I was teaching my microbiology lab class as a graduate TA. Some dumbass frat boy dared his friend to drink a tube of E. coli and the idiot did it. Now everything in the lab is contaminated with vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 14:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML

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By Rizzle - 4/10/2009 07:50 - New Zealand

Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice , so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML

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By waitforit - 23/4/2009 11:42 - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

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By thatguythere858 - 13/8/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML

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By CreeptacularBait - 27/5/2018 19:00

Today, after over a month of running to lose weight, I can’t walk without crying from the shooting pain in my legs. My husband is upset that I won’t go to the grocery store, make his lunch, or go hiking with him. FML

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By anonymous - 3/6/2020 14:06

Stinky mom

Today, my mom once again cried that I never come to visit her. I’ve tried, but her house is just unbearable. It’s always no less than 80°F inside, and she also refuses to clean up. She just burns multiple candles and air fresheners all day to mask the smell. She refuses any cleaning help I offer. FML

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By Star - 30/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, the guy that I'm in love with and plan to marry some day told me he would choose a million dollars over me. I got upset and told him I no longer want to be with him. In an excited voice he said, "Really? So are you serious I don't have to worry about this love stuff anymore?" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2016 02:51 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 16:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around when he accidentally elbowed me in the eye and I couldn't see. He rolled over, turned on the football game, and told me to just walk upstairs and get ice. He also added that he would like a coke while I am up there. FML

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By not-so-young-shortie - 18/2/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

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By oh gee, you don't say - 15/12/2012 18:43 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad forced the whole family to sit through a two-hour lecture, with supporting research, on how the "Mayan prophecy" is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he thinks we're all borderline brain-dead, gullible fuckwits who believed it to begin with. Thanks, dad. FML

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By sudoku_fiend - 13/12/2015 04:40 - United States - Millville

Today, I discovered that I've spent so much time playing Sudoku in the bathroom at work that I've trained myself to need to pee whenever I open the app. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2010 21:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

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By coco1234 - 9/3/2020 12:35

Brain melt

Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2017 14:00

Today, I went on a date after months of rejection and loneliness. Everything was going great until my date argued with me over the correct way to pronounce my name. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2014 03:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

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By jhftrainer23 - 5/8/2011 14:42 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2013 16:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to let me know that she almost left me for another guy not so long ago, because he was more handsome and talented than me. The reason she didn't leave: "He's out of my league; you're not." FML

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By CasaDeLoser - 11/3/2015 05:32 - United States - Kent

Today, my kid made a new friend at school. When I asked her to describe her new friend, she said, "She looks kinda like you, only pretty." FML

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By frogdog563 - 1/9/2019 14:00

Today, my little sister asked what the noises were last night. It happened to be my dad and his girlfriend fooling around. I ended up telling her it was ghosts. Now I'm grounded by my dad who yelled at me for scaring her. I was trying to save his ass from a lot of questions. FML

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By agh marriage - 11/10/2012 05:56 - Australia - Albany Creek

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

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By andy1r - 7/10/2011 06:41 - Bolivia

Today, my future mother-in-law gave me advice on life. One piece of advice was that I should leave her son. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 04:29 - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

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By segal1010 - 28/2/2013 00:27 - United States - Potomac

Today, I found out that my mom has linked my iPhone with her iPad and has been secretly reading my texts. FML

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Top comments

By RPGod | 0

#614041 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:04

Well, at least you now know that she's a psycho bitch, and you don't have too continue to relationship.

By KingOfTheWastes | 0

#614077 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:10

I'm Marshall. Damn right you'll never be as good as me.

COMMENTS

By RPGod | 0

#614041 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:04

Well, at least you now know that she's a psycho bitch, and you don't have too continue to relationship.

Reply

GuerillaRated | 0

#614616 - Sunday 11 October 2009 4:11

My friend got cockblocked once by a dude named Marshall. He told this girl my friend was talking to that we were at the club celebrating his release from prison. Seizing an opportunity to be all badass and mysterious my friend agreed. When the girl asked what he was in for, Marshall jumped in and said: "Date rape". She instantly bolted and I almost pissed myself laughing.

It is true that you will never be as good as Marshall.

Reply

Squid_surfer | 0

#658531 - Saturday 7 November 2009 2:41

That sounds like something I would do haha

Reply

uradopted | 0

#1498857 - Monday 4 October 2010 22:30

WE ARE MARSHALL!!!!

Reply

bestnameright | 14

#4915355 - Monday 10 September 2012 13:42

Well it is kinda hard to compete with Marshall...

By FarSide | 22

#614045 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:04

You sure she did not say "Marsha"???

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#614090 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:15

MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA

Reply

dfc09 | 5

#4781934 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 3:22

No, Marshall from 'How I met Your Mother' He's pretty much the perfect man. He stayed with one girl for years.

Reply

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#5137676 - Sunday 11 November 2012 17:12

Not uncommon for guys todo that. A woman like that, that's hard to find.

By SaintJimmy | 0

#614066 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:08

I agree with #7.

By StrickenNerve | 0

#614072 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:09

Whatever #1 said!

By KingOfTheWastes | 0

#614077 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:10

I'm Marshall. Damn right you'll never be as good as me.

By coldplaylive2003 | 0

#614094 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:16

what sucks even worse is that Marshall is her prostitute

By lizzzie_fml | 0

#614103 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:18

What have you been doing with this girl for two months if this is the first date?!

Reply

wtf_fml | 0

#614492 - Sunday 11 October 2009 2:38

I hate to break the news to you, but you two have been dating for 8 months now.

Reply

sandormatyi | 25

#6556995 - Friday 11 March 2016 19:04

maybe "seeing" as staring at her from a safe distance?

By thatoneguyinca | 0

#614107 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:20

oye....you need to slay girls....don't save up all week to take one out...you take them out for one drink after they've already been out with friends, by then their already hammered.

Hint: LEYKIS 101

By AKBIGCAL | 0

#614109 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:22

Data when you get her calmed down, go back to her place, then bang her and dump her. There's a full proof plan for ya haha

By gameoverman_fml | 0

#614115 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:24

She's been waiting 2 months for a meal, no wonder the poor girl is a little cranky!
I bet Marshall never kept her waiting, if you know what I mean.