Love: Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 84

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 1 177

10/10/2009 18:06

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 722

You deserved it 3 322

Our house, in the middle of our street

Triage

Vandals

21/01/2014 17:43

Spicy

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 278

You deserved it 7 914

24/08/2013 10:23

Today, I was feeling guilty about an argument I had with my mother right before she left to go shopping. When she got back, I ran to give her a hug and tell her I loved her. Unfortunately, in the process, I knocked over and broke her new $200 vase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 954

You deserved it 8 389

04/06/2013 06:47

Today, during a series of violent sneezes due to a cold, I bit my tongue. My tongue is now so swollen I cannot close my mouth and am drooling profusely. I have to get ready to go to my job as a cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 909

You deserved it 3 924

14/03/2009 19:28

Today, I learned that the surprise party thrown for my girlfriend's 19th birthday was wonderful and she couldn't be happier. Except that I didn't show up. Apparently 40 people were invited but I wasn't one of them. We've been going out for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 318

You deserved it 4 036

12/09/2011 03:23

Spicy

Today, I had a creepy old guy with awful body odor in my salon. As I was washing his hair, he brought up how he wants to start a garden, and how a woman's monthly flow weirdly helps to make it grow. Then he asked me if I can save up my used tampons for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 840

You deserved it 2 487

27/12/2011 05:26

Today, my boyfriend and I were at dinner with his parents when he discreetly slid his hand up my skirt and tickled me. This caused me to kick his dad's recently broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 796

You deserved it 4 944

06/05/2015 05:24

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 526

You deserved it 3 287

22/05/2009 18:39

Today, my company filed for bankruptcy, but the reorganize kind where it still functions. There are no funds to give out paychecks any time soon. They won't fire me. If I voluntarily quit, I cannot file for unemployment. I'm now an unpaid intern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 876

You deserved it 2 966

08/04/2011 11:07

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 724

You deserved it 4 279

20/10/2014 03:48

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 284

You deserved it 4 923

18/12/2009 15:20

Spicy

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 101

You deserved it 9 860

18/01/2009 12:41

Spicy

Today, I just got done reading all the healthy benefits that come with sex. One of them is higher self-esteem. Then I remembered that I haven't had sex in 15 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 707

You deserved it 3 466

03/06/2014 22:02

Today, a customer told me, "Girls your size can't bend at the waist." I couldn't stop laughing at the imagery long enough to be really offended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 956

You deserved it 5 617

19/10/2009 08:46

Today, I started my first day at work, I've been unemployed for a while and am in college, so naturally I have no money. At the end of my shift, I ask what we do with the extra bread, and they tell me to throw it away. Being poor and hungry, I decide to take the bread home. I got fired for stealing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 332

You deserved it 10 264

17/02/2013 19:19

Spicy

Today, after more than a year of being single, I finally had sex. Unfortunately, it was only in a dream, and after we finished, he told me that I'm terrible in bed. Even my dream-lover is a dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 843

You deserved it 5 972

04/09/2010 06:52

Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 056

You deserved it 3 502

09/10/2010 20:54

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 440

You deserved it 3 318

15/02/2009 06:06

Today, I spent 2 minutes struggling to cork a wine bottle for one of my tables only to have them eventually point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 287

You deserved it 33 718

21/10/2011 01:17

Today, I was chaperoning at my local high school's Homecoming dance. Outside the gym, I saw some kids drinking, so I walked over to stop them. One of them promptly spun around and punched me in the mouth. I had my ass handed to by a drunk 9th grader. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 453

You deserved it 6 347

03/10/2009 04:37

Today, I went to see my guidance counselor. I was supposed to hear from my college about a scholarship by October 3rd. I was worried since it was already the 2nd so I went to talk to her. She never turned in my nomination. Goodbye $80,000 scholarship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 913

You deserved it 3 125

Insurance is a scam

By leogs23 - 27/02/2021 16:58

Today, my fiancée wrecked my car so I had to use my other car to pick her up. Ten minutes after I did, my other car broke down in the middle of the road and I had to get it towed. My insurance covers none of these incidents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 191

03/03/2011 00:35

Today, I started my job as a high school janitor. A student decided to welcome me by taking a dump in the urinal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 249

You deserved it 4 432

15/09/2011 13:47

Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 096

You deserved it 3 935

08/04/2016 01:45

Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 028

You deserved it 1 315

01/01/2010 00:06

Today, I met my boyfriends mother for the first time and hoped to make a good first impression. When I tried to say 'Hello', a loud rippling burp comes up from my throat. And not only that. A small chunk of mucus flies out and lands on the floor between us. So much for a good first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 910

You deserved it 5 805

06/03/2009 16:14

Spicy

Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 474

You deserved it 11 871

Ding dong

By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 17:04

Spicy

Today, I got an ingrown hair. It wouldn’t be so bad, if it were anywhere other than my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 852

You deserved it 120

07/01/2010 14:43

Today, I was going to the bathroom. As I was about to wipe, I noticed that the toilet paper had butterflies printed on it. Never before had I felt bad for wiping my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 259

You deserved it 29 816

16/06/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me with an Eagles cheerleader. I found out when his dad proudly posted about it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 242

You deserved it 307

10/08/2009 07:10

Today, my mom drove me to football practice. On the way she told me that she thought I was gay and that my friend was my lover. After 15 agonizing minutes of this, we get to my practice only to be greeted by my shirtless friend wearing a pink bandana saying "Man, you hit me hard last night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 577

You deserved it 7 308

23/03/2009 20:37

Today, I got a phone call from a detective in response to my stolen car that has been missing since St. Patrick's Day. He told me that he had found my car, but was chuckling the whole time. Turns out, I had parked my car in a different lot. I haven't had it for a week. It was never stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 232

You deserved it 92 701

04/09/2011 16:08

Today, my paranoid wreck of a girlfriend read a text message on my phone from a woman asking if I was coming over for dinner. The woman was my mom. My girlfriend stormed out and hasn't answered my calls all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 250

You deserved it 4 101

24/11/2011 20:30

Today, I was walking to the kitchen in the dark. Something caught my eye and I turned to see a man standing in the corner, clear as day. I jumped and closed my eyes for a split second. When I opened them, he was nowhere to be seen. I'm now terrified to live in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 534

You deserved it 4 807

25/10/2012 09:58

Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 653

You deserved it 4 670

13/12/2009 08:39

Spicy

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 907

You deserved it 25 054

02/09/2019 04:00

Today, I finally sorted out my health insurance and went to the doctor. After seeing my X-rays and confirming I still had scoliosis, he also confirmed arthritis in both hips, 2 exploded discs and that I have "the back of a 50 year-old." I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 884

You deserved it 111

30/01/2015 15:11

Spicy

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. In the middle of it he said, "I want us to be covalent bonds". I didn't understand what he meant, and he actually stopped to explain it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 478

You deserved it 8 835

09/10/2014 22:09

Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 248

You deserved it 3 950

07/09/2010 16:06

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 464

You deserved it 25 194

20/01/2015 20:24

Today, I spent a half hour trying to help my cat down after he got stuck in the tree on my lawn. I finally gave up and called a local tree care company to help. When I returned outside, I found my cat casually walking about by the door. The guy who showed up to help was not happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 829

You deserved it 5 491

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Top comments

RPGod 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:04

Well, at least you now know that she's a psycho bitch, and you don't have too continue to relationship.

KingOfTheWastes 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:10

I'm Marshall. Damn right you'll never be as good as me.

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RPGod 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:04

Well, at least you now know that she's a psycho bitch, and you don't have too continue to relationship.

GuerillaRated 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 4:11

My friend got cockblocked once by a dude named Marshall. He told this girl my friend was talking to that we were at the club celebrating his release from prison. Seizing an opportunity to be all badass and mysterious my friend agreed. When the girl asked what he was in for, Marshall jumped in and said: "Date rape". She instantly bolted and I almost pissed myself laughing. It is true that you will never be as good as Marshall.

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Saturday 7 November 2009 2:41

That sounds like something I would do haha

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Monday 4 October 2010 22:30

WE ARE MARSHALL!!!!

bestnameright 14

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Monday 10 September 2012 13:42

Well it is kinda hard to compete with Marshall...

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:04

You sure she did not say "Marsha"???

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:15

MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA

dfc09 5

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 3:22

No, Marshall from 'How I met Your Mother' He's pretty much the perfect man. He stayed with one girl for years.

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Sunday 11 November 2012 17:12

Not uncommon for guys todo that. A woman like that, that's hard to find.

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:08

I agree with #7.

StrickenNerve 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:09

Whatever #1 said!

KingOfTheWastes 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:10

I'm Marshall. Damn right you'll never be as good as me.

coldplaylive2003 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:16

what sucks even worse is that Marshall is her prostitute

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:18

What have you been doing with this girl for two months if this is the first date?!

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Sunday 11 October 2009 2:38

I hate to break the news to you, but you two have been dating for 8 months now.

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Friday 11 March 2016 19:04

maybe "seeing" as staring at her from a safe distance?

thatoneguyinca 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:20

oye....you need to slay girls....don't save up all week to take one out...you take them out for one drink after they've already been out with friends, by then their already hammered. Hint: LEYKIS 101

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:22

Data when you get her calmed down, go back to her place, then bang her and dump her. There's a full proof plan for ya haha

gameoverman_fml 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:24

She's been waiting 2 months for a meal, no wonder the poor girl is a little cranky! I bet Marshall never kept her waiting, if you know what I mean.