Today, after drinking a half gallon of liquid laxative in preparation...

By Ali - 17/4/2019 02:00

Today, after drinking a half gallon of liquid laxative in preparation for a colonoscopy, I puked the half gallon of laxative. Out my nose. FML

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Proactive

Family values

Not a cheating!

By O_O - 12/7/2013 20:15 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 13:03 - New Zealand

Today, I decided I had gathered enough solid evidence to justify dumping my cheating girlfriend. When I turned up, she broke up with me before I had a chance to confront her. Why? Apparently I have trust issues. FML

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By brooke - 13/8/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, while out at dinner with my boyfriend, I accidentally ripped out my tampon picking a wedgie. FML

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By lifesux - 31/12/2010 17:33 - United States

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

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By whyme27 - 9/9/2009 02:41 - Canada

Today, I washed one of my roommates t-shirts. I forgot to remove it before putting it in the dryer, and all the print on the front melted off. It was a gift from his girlfriend. Who has just passed away. FML

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By jesuscrip - 18/2/2016 06:08 - United States - Orrville

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I saw a woman in her late thirties pull out some hair and put it in her food, then threaten to sue me and the restaurant. She also told me no one would believe me, a teenager, when I told her I saw her put it there. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2012 22:54 - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

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By wherefelix - 3/7/2009 08:01 - United States

Today, I woke up early, showered, dressed, and made the 40 minute drive to work, only to discover when I arrived that today was my day off. When I got home my live in boyfriend was gone. I called and he told me he was at the beach, right near my work. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 21:08 - United Kingdom

Today, my younger cousin bought his girlfriend of 3 months a bunch of flowers. The only flower I've ever got from my boyfriend of 3 years is a plastic one he found on the floor in a bar. FML

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By ronnieG - 16/7/2013 16:06 - United States - Decatur

Today, my wife and I were having a fight, when she grabbed my car keys and threw them over into the neighbors overgrown junk yard. My car is a restored '59 Belvedere and the keys can't be replaced. I've been looking for hours and I still can't find them. FML

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By Justwantedathankyou - 18/8/2017 06:00 - United States - Loudon

Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2011 22:00 - United States

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl has a crush on me. Too bad it's my co-worker's five year old granddaughter. FML

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By iNearlyHurled - 28/9/2012 08:24 - United States

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

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By oofouchmyvagooter - 6/10/2019 16:00

The Rupture

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

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By fox_at_heart - 30/9/2016 02:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my father has been saving money to help me buy my first car. In the same conversation, I found out my mother, unbeknownst to my dad, used nearly all of the money to bail my drunken, deadbeat uncle out of jail for the 4th time a month ago. He is now back in prison. FML

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By 733yoda - 28/6/2019 00:30

Today, the most exciting notification I received was Amazon telling me that my bulk order of toilet paper had been shipped. FML

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By Labelme - 2/1/2010 08:26 - United States

Today, I learned that instead of discarding expired products at my work, we change the label to make them 'expire' later. FML

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By Starchaser - 16/4/2017 19:23

Today, I helped my children dye Easter eggs. They did great. My husband, however, is covered in dye spots and glitter from "helping." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, my girl and I were in bed trying to nap before class. She kept tossing and turning, obvious signs that she was having no luck. Sweetly, I ask her if there was anything I could do to help her relax. She says "you can tell me a story about your day, that always puts me to sleep". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:03

No smoking

Today, my boyfriend told me he started smoking again and had smoked almost a whole pack in 3 hours. We were on the phone and I was on the bus. He knew that was the perfect time time to tell me, because he knew I wouldn't yell in public. FML

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By NotHauteCouture - 10/12/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, we had our annual office Christmas party. The theme of the party was "Ugliest Sweater". The winner was a sweater that I have an exact replica of in my closet. It's my favorite 'special occasion', 'family portrait' and 'holiday' sweater. FML

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By me - 8/6/2012 14:00 - United States - Carthage

Today, I was taking a shower. My mom thinks it's ok to just walk in on someone when they are in there so she decides to take a crap. The worst part is she thought it would be less awkward to talk to me. FML

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By Foreveralone - 9/4/2012 05:07 - United States

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

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By Dean - 15/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, after months of constant encouragement from my friends, I went and entered a singing contest. I sang and was booed off stage. Later on I found out my friends lied to me about my ability to sing, just so I could give them a cheap laugh. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had it off. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML

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By Brittany - 10/4/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

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By anonymous - 18/7/2013 13:53 - United States - Woburn

Today, I overheard my ripped, handsome, genetically perfect brother telling my mom how "fat people" make him "nervous". I have only recently accepted my weight, after struggling for years. I now understand why my brother rarely talks to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2013 21:33 - United States - Carrollton

Today, my wife and I had a fight, which I thought we resolved. Later, while painting the kitchen, I told her to change into an old shirt she didn't care about. She made a huge show of putting her wedding gown on, veil and all. FML

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By Noname - 9/1/2009 11:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that the large container of leftover beef stroganoff that I put down the garbage disposal last night had backed up into my bathtub this morning. FML

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By Noname - 23/2/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I am pregnant. FML

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By poop - 21/3/2015 16:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was at my Mandarin teacher's house. I had diarrhoea and had to go to the toilet. My mum texted me while I was still in the toilet saying, "We all heard you". FML

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By anonymous - 13/1/2014 01:40 - United States - Upper Darby

Today, it was my birthday, so when I woke up, I came downstairs yelling, "ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, IS A BIG BOOTY HOE," only to find that my family had thrown me a surprise party. All my grandparents were at the bottom of the stairs. FML

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By Amanda - 13/12/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my mom. We were discussing my brother, how he's been screwing up majorly lately and she blamed it on his friends. Then she turned to me and said, "It's a good thing you've never had any friends." FML

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By soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass - 23/1/2016 07:49 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

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By GrossedOut - 11/1/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

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By Freezing - 24/3/2020 05:06

It's frostbite time!

Today, the whole upstairs was so cold that I had to wear mittens inside. When I asked my parents why it was so cold, they replied that to save money, they had decided not to heat the upstairs, since "nobody is ever up there, anyway." My bedroom is upstairs. FML

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By courtbabbbby - 12/2/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I was running on a track above a basketball court. I noticed several cute guys playing a pick-up game, so I tried to run my hardest. Not paying attention, I didn't hear when they warned me about the ball flying towards me. It hit me in the head, I then ran into a wall and face-planted. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2015 15:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML

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By Mondo - 20/11/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7794114 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 3:19

Well then the logical solution is to put the half gallon of laxative directly into your butthole!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7794129 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 5:20

Sounds like a...

...wait on it...

...you think you know what I’m going to say...

...unshitty situation!

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7794114 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 3:19

Well then the logical solution is to put the half gallon of laxative directly into your butthole!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7794129 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 5:20

Sounds like a...

...wait on it...

...you think you know what I’m going to say...

...unshitty situation!

By Gigi Hill | 6

#7794149 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 7:09

I’m by no means an expert but I’m also pretty sure you’re not doing that right. Scratch that....NAILED it! 👍🏻

By gsouther | 11

#7794193 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 9:55

Out OF my nose.

Grammar is the secret code that intelligent people used to identify each other.

By Mightytall | 35

#7794376 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 19:10

I feel for you... that stuff is all kinds of nasty.
And the wanted effects are enough suffering all by themselves.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7794744 - Thursday 18 April 2019 17:07

did you shotgun or sip it

By raven_of_azarath | 32

#7795172 - Friday 19 April 2019 19:25

Puking out your nose is never fun. The first time I ever got drunk, I puked Cheeto puffs out my nose.

By Davros | 12

#7795547 - Saturday 20 April 2019 23:44

Did you get a runny nose?

By donb23 | 23

#7795616 - Sunday 21 April 2019 6:15

Wrong hole