Today, after drinking a half gallon of liquid laxative in preparation...

By Ali

Today, after drinking a half gallon of liquid laxative in preparation for a colonoscopy, I puked the half gallon of laxative. Out my nose. FML

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Another great day to be alive

This Charming Man

Do it yourself, then

By AshleyRose24 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I had to have a talk with my stalker. After telling him not to snapchat me, not to text me, and that I'm not interested, all he said was "I think persistence is going to be key here." FML

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By peppergirl

Sewing project

Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, at an MA meeting, I ran into the cop who'd pulled me over and given me a ticket for marijuana possession. FML

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By haggisbowl - United States

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I participated in a charity auction at my university where the boys are "sold" to the highest bidder to be a slave for a day. My girlfriend and ex were bidding against each other. My ex won. FML

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By CollegeGrad - United States

Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML

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66679

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By This_Is_Me1982 - Canada

Today, I found out that my friend makes more money than I do. She's a high school dropout and working at a retail job at the mall. I went to college for four years to get my job. FML

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By sucks_brah - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and decided to unwrap all my Christmas gifts and throw them at the wall. Ho, ho, ho. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - North Bay

Today, my girlfriend sent me a text message confessing that she's been cheating on me. Apparently she regretted telling me the truth, because when I confronted her face-to-face, she claimed her roommate had sent it as a prank. She doesn't have a roommate. FML

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By Gob - United States

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

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11799

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

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By KICKxASSxNINJA - 26/9/2020 08:02 - United States - Fresno

Believe her next time

Today, my mother bolted into my room and let out a huge fart that smelled like rotten meat because she wanted to prove a point, that she had been having intestinal problems for three days. FML

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958

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By sayno2mermaids - United States - Denver

Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

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13215

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By Martin - 8/9/2020 23:01 - Switzerland

Extreme late fees

Today, I had an appointment to pull some wisdom teeth. I wrote the wrong time in my calendar. Showed up an hour late and they didn't pull the one tooth that actually hurts. Now I've got the pay for the time I was late, plus wait until November to pull the rest. I waited 5 months for this appointment due to the coronavirus. FML

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713

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By Anonymous - United States - Mariposa

Today, I found out that the money that my wife claims went into repairing her car engine actually is going towards helping her pay for a divorce. FML

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40635

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML

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39677

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

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25154

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By RedWaters - United States

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

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61366

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By whyarewerelated - United Kingdom

Today, I was working alone in the office with my brother. He's run out of work to do, so has been singing Disney songs loudly and badly, throwing stationery at me, and just now snuck up on me from behind and wrapped duct tape round my face. It's just us in the office next week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

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28070

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By DamnMyOvaries - United States - Groves

Today, I fainted in the lunch line at school due to extreme period cramps, and ended up having to get seven stitches on my face. This is the third time I've fainted because of my period this year. FML

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6444

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By Cxisbest - United States

Today, as I walked home, I heard the people behind me in an argument over my gender. FML

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44916

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was driving my motorcycle, and I noticed someone was in the ditch, so I went to go help them. When the ambulance showed up, they ran over my bike, totaling it. FML

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By what.

Tunnel vision

Today, my boyfriend said that no, I'm not allowed to get glasses and then accused me of wanting to see other men. No, I just want to see. FML

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1879

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By Eddie B

Scammed

Today, I found out that I'm just one of the millions who got scammed by what seemed to be a legit website. None of the negative reviews or bugs appeared until after I spent a fortune of someone else’s money on a server that will never arrive. FML

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1115

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By Labro9

Today, as I was transcribing my manager's recorded orated memo, I heard an unmistakable grunt and splash of an impromptu "bathroom deposit". Seems my manager is economising his time like never before. FML

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By SomePeoplesKids - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I walked in on my daughter attempting to iron her pants with a hair straightener. She's 17. FML

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26081

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By taylortotscx - United States - Ocala

Today, I went to Busch Gardens. Trying to cool off, I got on a ride that soaked me to the bone. For the rest of the time I was there, my bra was visible through my clothes, along with the "Hell Yeah" printed on my underwear. FML

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9997

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By pornstorebitch

Knock yourself out, dude

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

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1669

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By UGH - United States

Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

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By newlydumped - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers' lame Pokémon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FML

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By rook - United States

Today, my parents tried to convince me to get a divorce. My wife and I are perfectly fine. FML

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By firestar772 - United States - Santa Barbara

It's probably considered art

Today, my dog ate a whole case of my son's paintballs, because apparently they are made of a fish byproduct. Not only does the whole house smell like fish, there are countless bright yellow dog turds all over the house and our yard. FML

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36948

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By kay51 - United Kingdom

Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

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8747

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By alycion

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

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1606

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By sadman - United States

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

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41360

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By Broke Ass Hoe

Today, as I realized I'm too broke to go out and get more toilet paper, I noticed my cat chewing on something and tearing it apart. It was my last roll. FML

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3691

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By Anonymous

My alarm

Today, yet again, I woke up at the sound of my parents having sex like apes, and couldn't get back to sleep. FML

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By User06606 - United States

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7794114 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 3:19

Well then the logical solution is to put the half gallon of laxative directly into your butthole!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7794129 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 5:20

Sounds like a...

...wait on it...

...you think you know what I’m going to say...

...unshitty situation!

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7794114 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 3:19

Well then the logical solution is to put the half gallon of laxative directly into your butthole!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7794129 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 5:20

Sounds like a...

...wait on it...

...you think you know what I’m going to say...

...unshitty situation!

By Gigi Hill | 6

#7794149 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 7:09

I’m by no means an expert but I’m also pretty sure you’re not doing that right. Scratch that....NAILED it! 👍🏻

By gsouther | 11

#7794193 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 9:55

Out OF my nose.

Grammar is the secret code that intelligent people used to identify each other.

By Mightytall | 35

#7794376 - Wednesday 17 April 2019 19:10

I feel for you... that stuff is all kinds of nasty.
And the wanted effects are enough suffering all by themselves.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7794744 - Thursday 18 April 2019 17:07

did you shotgun or sip it

By raven_of_azarath | 34

#7795172 - Friday 19 April 2019 19:25

Puking out your nose is never fun. The first time I ever got drunk, I puked Cheeto puffs out my nose.

By Davros | 12

#7795547 - Saturday 20 April 2019 23:44

Did you get a runny nose?

By donb23 | 23

#7795616 - Sunday 21 April 2019 6:15

Wrong hole