By airbiscuit - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Sensitive

Today, my hubby asked for a morning blow job, and I happily obliged. All was going great until he came and farted at the same time. I laughed and reassured him it was no big deal. He cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54922

You deserved it

6468

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Intimacy

Understandable

There's no helping some people

Class Wars - UK Edition

By J.Smith - France

Today, the only girl I really loved said to me: I want you to be the father of my child, but I don't want to be your girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31884

You deserved it

2162

Favorite

By dk_2k16 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I went to take my permit test. I had been studying for months and was familiar with the whole book. When I sat down to take my test, I didn't recognize any of the questions. I went home and found out the book I used to study was the book my mom used to take her test in 1970. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15476

You deserved it

18641

Favorite

By nosexlife - United States

Today, I was with my seven year old daughter purchasing my husband a present for his birthday in a few weeks. At the register, in the very long line, I asked her where we could hide his present so he wouldn't find it, she responded loudly with "Hide it in your room! He never goes in there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36566

You deserved it

5003

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my coworker came over to my desk and told me that I should protect my Twitter updates, because I had unknowingly made them public. My tweets include drinking stories, all the men I've hooked up with, various cuss words, sexual innuendos, and how much I hate my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8882

You deserved it

82892

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 14:00

How to make a sociopath

Today, I went to my job as an aide for first-grade students. I went home with a swollen face after my student punched me because I was, "making the timer go too fast" and he wanted more iPad time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1614

You deserved it

132

Favorite

By PJ - United States

Today, I planted a bit of a condom wrapper in my bed so my housekeeper would think I have a love life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16473

You deserved it

34971

Favorite

By keisha89 - United States

Today, I finally met the guy I've been talking to online for a year. I'd dropped 10lbs off my weight. He'd shaved 20 years off his age. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16841

You deserved it

38851

Favorite

By boo8713 - United States - Bell

Today, my wife wants to name our first child Siri, after the iPhone function. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30359

You deserved it

2849

Favorite

By HelpMe - United Kingdom - Galashiels

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53835

You deserved it

3822

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend when I really had to pee. I tried to get out of the aisle in a hurry so I wouldn't disturb anyone when I tripped, landing on the people in the row in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26658

You deserved it

5431

Favorite

By LaLa - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little kinky. He laid me down roughly on the bed, but I started to slide off, so I pulled myself up. In doing so, I managed to knee him in the nut-sack, causing him to puke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36550

You deserved it

7809

Favorite

By wow - United States

Today, I have to choose between one eyebrow or none because I'm a heavy sleeper and my brother is a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63938

You deserved it

5139

Favorite

By socialbanana - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after getting up at 6 a.m., fighting with the dogs to wipe their paws off from the snow, and having to wait for a moving truck to move so I could get to work by 8, I got a call from my boss saying we were closed due to weather. It was 8:15. I was already there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8558

You deserved it

682

Favorite

By ouch - United Kingdom

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9629

You deserved it

99390

Favorite

By Sheila Deville

Delirious fever days are the BEST!

Today, it's day 5 of being out of my mind with a fever. I actually uttered the words, "Spit is a lubricant, not a frictioncant or gripperorator." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1245

You deserved it

190

Favorite

By banana - United States

Today, I hooked up with this man for the first time. He takes his shirt off and has a chestful of black hair. He had his name shaved into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41958

You deserved it

8665

Favorite

By bevo - Australia

Today, my date and I went to the movies. After the date, we were both on an instant chat room at our homes. Her personal message displayed "I think I love my ex again." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30533

You deserved it

3024

Favorite

By Nublet - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35860

You deserved it

5434

Favorite

By chiclet - France

Today, my boyfriend was talking to me on the land line when his cell phone rang. He told me to wait "two seconds" while he talked to a classmate. Their "two second" conversation lasted ten minutes, and now I can hear the French Open on the TV in background. He forgot he was talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28096

You deserved it

4448

Favorite

By Ihavethickthighs

Today, and for the past week, my boyfriend joined me on my walks. He's recently gotten into photography and is now intent on tracking down a rare bird that he never sees but always hears. I don't have the heart to tell him that it's the sound of my thighs rubbing together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3414

You deserved it

530

Favorite

By neverbeensurprised - United States

Today, I found out my friend has been texting my long distance boyfriend more than I do. When I confronted her about it, she confessed that it was because they had been planning a surprise appearance for me. I've never been surprised before, and I ruined my own surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19114

You deserved it

47108

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By Don’t Think About It.

Today, I smacked a big mosquito that had landed on my leg. My boyfriend then said to me, "I wonder if their mouth snaps off when you slap them, and now it’s stuck in your skin." Thanks. Thanks a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1334

You deserved it

200

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By Anonymous - Australia - Caroline Springs

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39135

You deserved it

3247

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50763

You deserved it

10675

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By kelster

Good job

Today, my roommate has a job interview. He only applied to the job yesterday. Meanwhile, I've been out of work for three weeks. I've applied to at least ten jobs. I have yet to get a call-back from any of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1494

You deserved it

193

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By Depressed - United States

Today, I called up the boy I like to ask him on a date. He said "Haha, thats a pretty good impression Chris. Next time pick someone less ugly and maybe I'd think this is real." He thought I was his friend prank calling him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

90256

You deserved it

4964

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By DabTheFuckOut - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12445

You deserved it

1119

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By "Forevor_a_potato"

Today, I have to reschedule the vacation I had planned for eight months because I have the flu, and feel too sick to go and enjoy myself at a waterpark. This vacation is the only thing that's kept me sane these last two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1837

You deserved it

206

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24536

You deserved it

13722

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By Anonymous - United States - Exton

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32840

You deserved it

3609

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By apparentlytoofat - 26/4/2020 05:00

Superficial World

Today, my husband said he thinks of me as more of a roommate than a romantic interest, and he’s wouldn't be that attracted to me unless I lose another 20 pounds. I was just celebrating that I’d lost 5 pounds already in April. Stress makes it harder to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2154

You deserved it

285

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53202

You deserved it

4371

Favorite

By CrappyValentine - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11325

You deserved it

37776

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received my new cell phone and activated my account. As part of the package, I get to choose five numbers that I can call without using any minutes. I could still only think of three numbers I call regularly: my parent's house, my mom's cell and my ex's cell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48973

You deserved it

13473

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By snowwhite - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm severely sunburned and can barely walk properly. My boyfriend keeps telling his friends that it's because of "how hard he gave it to me last night". FML

I agree, your life sucks

58490

You deserved it

10076

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By VetTechStudent

Today, I had to get a pre-exposure rabies vaccine for school. My boyfriend thinks I'll give him rabies and refuses to let me sleep in the same bed with him or initiate sex. I need two more shots over the next 3 weeks, which means sleeping on the couch for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2658

You deserved it

343

Favorite

By cheated

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been communicating extensively with his ex, who lives out of state, for over 6 months. She booked flights and a hotel nearby in a month and invited him. He didn't say no. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4692

You deserved it

335

Favorite

By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37693

You deserved it

8624

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my husband was finally moving out. I picked up his enormous duffle bag full of clothes to help get him out faster, and I threw out my back. I now can't move. I can't even wipe my own ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1576

You deserved it

709

Favorite

By SadDad - United States

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72121

You deserved it

4328

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Top comments

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#5333378 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:11

He probably thought that he blew it...no wait...

By Pitbull305 | 9

#5333382 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:13

Those are tears of elation. He just experienced a magical moment.

COMMENTS

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#5333378 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:11

He probably thought that he blew it...no wait...

sens3sfailing | 24

#5333476 - Monday 21 January 2013 17:16

that just sucked! I mean, cum on man! its not that hard to make a good pun, or maybe im just a stiff critic.

GothickNihilist | 15

#5333561 - Monday 21 January 2013 18:17

So many puns *twitches *

Teyros | 24

#5333750 - Monday 21 January 2013 20:47

Some puns just blow. People swallow this knowledge and others pass it by at the same time..

Satirical | 7

#5333757 - Monday 21 January 2013 20:52

Damn. You all beat me to the good puns.

aj94w | 4

#5334504 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 8:07

Wait. Your husband *asked* for a morning blowjob and you HAPPILY OBLIGED? Go tell him to suck it up and realize how lucky he is.

Sandra_W | 14

#5336936 - Wednesday 23 January 2013 22:32

The same happened to me and my boyfriend. I was giving him a blowjob while he was watching porn and then, all of the sudden, it smelled like rotten cauliflower. He didn't cry, he spent half an hour apologizing while I couldn't stop laughing.

AksentNetharia | 12

#5998443 - Saturday 5 July 2014 12:24

Most blowjob jokes suck, but these ones just fill me with Fellation.

By Pitbull305 | 9

#5333382 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:13

Those are tears of elation. He just experienced a magical moment.

BradTheBrony | 19

#5333424 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:32

More like tears of e-JACU-lation! Ha ha ha... ha ha...
I'll go back in my hole now please don't hurt me.

firegirl1993 | 21

#5334481 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 7:43

Those were tears of joy! At the though of what a cool and chill wife he has. You beautiful creature.

Stiggy626 | 25

#7535904 - Thursday 31 August 2017 10:35

I thought my comment was dope but I'll admit when you got a better one haha that shits hilarious. I can forreal picture his face saying, "Really? " haha

By Roevera | 14

#5333383 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:13

Well that stinks.

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5333409 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:25

Well who knows? This one could have been vapid and nontoxic.

happle | 21

#5333425 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:34

3- I've seen your comments. I know you can do better.

metalhead4740 | 14

#5334373 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 5:24

3-That doesn't stink, it sucks.

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#5467191 - Saturday 27 April 2013 7:53

It doesn't stink or suck. It Blows

By zombieslayer83 | 19

#5333385 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:14

Did the fart cause him to thrust forward?

JustOhSoLovely | 6

#5334376 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 5:28

I never would have thought of this question on my own... Now I'm extremely curious

aj94w | 4

#5334489 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 7:51

I'm going to go ahead and say no, I doubt his fart had any torque to it.

By Merylwen | 24

#5333389 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:17

If it ever happens again, just pretend you didn't notice. It might not be very believable, but it would probably make him less embarassed than having you aknowledging it.