Today, my dad forgot my Canadian permanent resident card. We...

By Anonymous - 1/9/2018 06:30 - Japan - Hirakata

Today, my dad forgot my Canadian permanent resident card. We could be stuck in an airport in Japan for a while. FML

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All for nothing

Ambien conversations are the worst

By his word vs mine = me suspended - 10/8/2013 18:41 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I was carrying a stack of paperwork at work, when my pen rolled off and onto the floor. As soon as I bent down to pick it up, a nearby co-worker, who's always hated me, accused me of putting on a show and sexually harassing him. He actually followed up by reporting me to HR. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 22:00

Put it away

Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, while waiting in line at Gamestop, another customer and the cashier started chatting about how Pokémon is for kids, and anyone over 10 who's into it is weird. Embarrassed, I put the new Pokémon game back on the shelf and snuck out of the store. FML

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By idiot - 24/1/2013 19:53 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I took a swig of lemonade from my cup, only to feel something hard in my mouth. Thinking it was a roach or something, I freaked out and spat out the drink. I doused my laptop and soaked myself in the process, only to find out it was a small ice-cube. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2013 19:56 - United States

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

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By hotandbothered - 3/2/2010 06:24 - United States

Today, I was developing film at walmart. It started to get a little warm, so I began taking off my sweatshirt. This creepy old man approaches me, saying "You know, usually girls like you are paid to take their clothes off." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I was doing a strip tease for my husband. He asked me to stop. FML

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By Kelly - 29/11/2016 18:57

Today, I discovered that my 17-year-old daughter received several weird deposits from Paypal. I checked her phone to discover that she had changed the password for the first time in years. Fearing drugs, I confronted her. She broke down and confessed to selling rare digital Pokemon on eBay. FML

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By Sweeney - 20/5/2009 17:54 - United States

Today, I decided to finally use the gym membership I got a few weeks ago. After I returned to the locker room, the locker I used was opened with all my stuff, including my iTouch, cell phone, and my wallet with cash stolen. It turns out I left the sticker that tells you your combo on my new lock. FML

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By Lionman - 5/4/2012 05:11 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML

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By BigBadTron - 15/5/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year old daughter out to eat. Half-way through our "date" she asks me loudly "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML

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By Whoops - 2/11/2018 14:00

Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

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By funnnyyyyy -_- - 1/8/2015 08:29 - Nepal - Kathmandu

Today, I was singing along to my favorite song when a giant bug flew into my mouth. I was so shocked I almost swallowed it. After I was done freaking out, my sister wanted to throw the bug a big funeral for its "heroic sacrifice" in shutting me up. FML

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By Remy - 16/11/2013 23:39 - United States - Portland

Today, I was offered a job that pays far more than I expected, being a high school senior. My parents decided they aren't letting me take the job, saying I should enjoy my childhood. They're also not paying for my college, which is why I was looking for work in the first place. FML

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By authorx - 27/6/2013 04:39 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while driving during rush hour, I was singing so loudly that some jackass in the car next to me felt he should get my attention by throwing a wadded-up McDonald's bag through my open window, hitting me in the face with it, and telling me to shut up. FML

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By CARnage - 21/5/2010 10:11 - Australia

Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML

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By rr - 15/8/2011 15:55 - Canada

Today, I started my job as an assistant to a beekeeper. I forgot to put gloves on, and got stung like crazy. My hands swelled up to the size of baseball gloves. Turns out, I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2014 22:46 - United States - Russell Springs

Today, I was babysitting a little girl. I let her play with a box of old Star Wars toys to keep her occupied while I quickly went to use the bathroom, and when I returned she was making the 15 or so figures have a massive orgy, sex sounds included. FML

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By Zanquis - 30/12/2016 19:04

Today, I got stuck with a water damaged kitchen. The manufactor says their warranty doesn't cover it as it's user error, my insurance says they don't cover it as it's a manufacturer error. FML

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By twistedelegance - 19/7/2019 04:00

Today, I failed my driving test, and didn't get my great new job that a buddy helped me get. He got fired, and they won't hire me because he recommended me, regardless of how qualified for the job and how great the interview went. He called to tell me an hour before my driving test. FML

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By hylianprincess - 25/9/2014 11:19 - United States

Today, my mother is so overdramatic that her response to finding out I lost a friend's book was that I should fake my own death rather than fess up. FML

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By ash - 18/5/2016 20:00 - United States - Winnebago

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

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By kennyjhynes - 23/6/2014 13:56 - United States

Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2017 20:00

Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly the inner tube exploded next to my head. One ear is now ringing and the other one feels like it's bleeding. FML

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By FUCK - 22/7/2013 18:29 - United States - Chicago

Today, I won an award for Employee of the Month. Shocked, I asked my boss if he'd gotten my name mixed up or something. He had. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 16:30

Impossible relationship

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 09:02 - United States

Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

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By Too available to be sexy - 4/5/2019 20:00

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

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By MemoKrosav - 30/1/2016 03:54 - Mexico - Matamoros

Today, I had the most uncomfortable feeling in my socks, but I didn't care to check. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that the feeling was a small thin piece of glass that was slowly cutting away at the bottom of my foot. I still don't know how it got there. FML

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By jake - 13/9/2011 20:13 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell. FML

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By master6 - 21/12/2018 04:00

Today I was pulling in to my work parking lot gate, accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake pedal, ran through the gate arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 22:15 - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 20:01

It's good to learn!

Today, I’m living in China and I asked my native boyfriend to read me the names of all the different goods at the bakery, so I can do more than just point next time. I realized why he doesn’t see the point, when he translated : "Bread, bread, bread, bread and… bread." FML

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By ;_; - 19/12/2013 22:13 - Canada - Burlington

Today, I saw a guy in the street drawing caricatures, and I decided to pay him to do one of me. Being a caricature, I looked pretty monstrous in it. When I showed it to my mum later, she shuddered and said, "Yeah, looks just like you." FML

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By Forever sad - 6/10/2011 00:55 - United States

Today, I learned that my mother might not live much longer. My boyfriend, instead of showing compassion asked me, "We're still having video chat sex, right?" FML

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By LoveYouTooMa - 20/6/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well and consequently threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yelled at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink "when the damn toilet is two feet away." Thanks mom. FML

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By MoonStarShine3 - 9/6/2015 16:12 - United Kingdom - Chorley

Today, my boss yelled at me for being 3 hours late. I was late because I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. Apparently, breaking my arm is not a good enough excuse. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 16:04 - United States

Today, I had to spend all of my money on textbooks even though my refrigerator is empty. Starving and frustrated, I called home to ask for money for groceries. My mom told me I could afford to skip a few meals. FML

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By LH0026 - 6/8/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

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Top comments

By real life problems | 26

#7685984 - Saturday 1 September 2018 0:40

Japan is a country I wouldnt mind being stuck in

By skippydoda | 32

#7685998 - Saturday 1 September 2018 1:44

How old are you? I think if you are old enough to post on FML then you are old enough to remember your own card. YDI

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7682726 - Sunday 26 August 2018 3:53

Speak to the Canadian Embassy.

By real life problems | 26

#7685984 - Saturday 1 September 2018 0:40

Japan is a country I wouldnt mind being stuck in

By skippydoda | 32

#7685998 - Saturday 1 September 2018 1:44

How old are you? I think if you are old enough to post on FML then you are old enough to remember your own card. YDI

By acmariner99 | 23

#7686014 - Saturday 1 September 2018 2:22

What’s with all the Canadians getting stuck overseas?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7686031 - Saturday 1 September 2018 3:32

I think you’re turning Japanese, I think you’re turning Japanese, I really think so.

Is everyone avoiding you like a cyclone ranger?

By BrookieB | 13

#7686040 - Saturday 1 September 2018 4:21

Least u have a dad

By clair_brodie | 34

#7686064 - Saturday 1 September 2018 6:12

Why didn't YOU have your ID card? Seems like something that one should keep track of.

By ChromoTec | 24

#7686351 - Saturday 1 September 2018 19:15

Why is that a bad thing? 私は日本が好きです!

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7686488 - Sunday 2 September 2018 0:56

And you weren't carrying your own important card because...?