Today, while vacuuming my new apartment, I farted a few times. After my last fart, I turned to find my super-hot neighbor standing at the door. Panicking, I asked in a "I-didn't-just-fart-my-ass" tone, "Oh hi! Been standing there for long?" She replied, "Since your initial rip." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I farted in my office, assuming nobody would come in until the smoke cleared. The new girl then came in to introduce herself. She had her hands on her nose the whole time, while we both awkwardly tried to ignore the stank elephant in the room. FML
Today, I got home with stomach pain and immediately did a 10 second long farting, splattering, spluttering shit into the toilet. Now I know the walls are thin in my flat, but I wasn’t expecting the hot guy next door to say to me through the wall, “Jesus, are you alright in there?” FML
Today, I was going over some paperwork with my back to my office door. As I turn around, my boss enters and says my name loudly. I was startled so bad that I jumped, yelped, and a high-pitched fart snuck out. Everyone in the office now gives prior notice before dropping by the "fart guy's" office. FML
Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML
Today, while laying in bed, I let out a huge fart. I then heard my roommate yell from outside my room, "Did you think you were alone?" FML
Today, I was cleaning out the cabinets under my kitchen sink and I farted with such force that my dog thought someone was knocking at the door. FML
Today, I went over to my boyfriend's apartment and I smelled a delicious aroma as I walked in so I asked him what he was cooking. His response was, "I'm not cooking anything. I just farted." FML
Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML
Today, I was sitting in a secluded corner of a coffee shop and felt extremely gassy. Thinking I'd be safe, I let out a pretty nasty smelling fart. Next thing I know, a cute guy is approaching me and asked my name, but all it took was for him to inhale once and he bolted. FML
Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML
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Top comments
Bekll 31
She could hear it over the vacuuming?
crablegs 2
didn't just Fart your Ass? where else would you Fart from?
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Comments (90)
Pelreskovich 11
Awkwardddddd!
loserman67 36
Okay, so the ice has been broken (or in your case melted) and the awkward "introduction" is done. This chick sounds pretty cool, not to run, or laugh or insult you. Sounds to me like you need to ask her out. Just one bit of advice, I'd cool it on the farts for the first few dates. BTW, do you always vacuum with the door open?
runnamuk 6
The real fml here is that, apparently, the OP cannot fart in his own home without having to worry about whether he has a neighbor somewhere in his apartment to hear him.
heitwl 1
So she has a sense of humor..
lollipop77_fml 6
I'd say there was nothing to be embarrassed about - she was obviously enjoying Vac-farts first symphony! Kudos to you on finding a cheap way to fumigate your apartment!!
LittleGreenPaola 23
Why was your door unlocked? And why didn't she knock? i think you're allowed to do anything you want in your apartment. Coming to your place, standing at the door without saying a word, and next making fun of you it's kinda weird, instead.
RedPillSucks 33
She may have knocked, but he didn't hear over the loud vacuuming, and even louder farting.
LittleGreenPaola 23
So if you knock at your neighbour's door and he can't hear, you keep standing there without even trying to call him aloud? I keep thinking there's something wrong with op's neighbour.
wlddog 14
Silent but deadly
MaddieLynn123 7
Well it must have been pretty bad If she heard It over the vacuum...
yankkeeboy123 5
Hey
felah17 6
I didn't know they had Taco Bell in Hong Kong! I'm sitting here listening to Frank Sinatra's, "The summer winds", thinking: This is more like FML, (Fart my Life)!!!!!
chick92282 15
At times like this all you can do is laugh it off. After all, farting is a normal and necessary function and you thought you were alone. Maybe in a day or two you could invite her to dinner with the promise that you will not eat anything with beans in it? If she says yes, fantastic! If she says no, well, too bad for her.