Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML
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Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my husband and I are both suffering from food poisoning. He has horrible, raging, rank smelling, explosive diarrhea; I am vomiting every 15 minutes. We have one bathroom. FML
Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML
Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML
Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML
Today, my kid has severe diarrhoea. My husband said he was going out to get medicine. Two long, painful hours later, I find he's out eating and chilling with his friends. FML
Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML
Today, I came home to find my husband and our 4-year-old son simultaneously peeing off the second-floor balcony. My husband was giggling like a little girl. FML
Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML
Today, I have been stuck in the bathroom. Apparently, my 8 year old son decided to sneak in some TurboLax into the juice we left out for Santa. Well played son. FML
Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML
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Top comments
NoWayLady 13
Paranormal activity 6?
pinkalicious224 7
Call someone to come pick him up. Then you and your husband can get well and clean up the messes he made.
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Comments (122)
ManicGypsy 22
OP has time to post this to FML, but not time to contact someone online to come check on kid? People need to learn priorities. Sorry.
jbicchinella 4
Yet you can post this on fml. Amazing..
HSOMGF 5
You have time to post to FML, but you won't (somehow) check on your child's welfare? You clearly have no sense of priorities and really shouldn't be a parent.
caitiebug1119 15
I know I shouldn't call a woman a bad mother, but this is REALLY bad parenting. What if he wasn't just making a mess around the house? What if he figured out how to turn on the oven burners and burned himself or started a house fire? All of those sharp butcher knives and glass objects in the kitchen? The front door that a three year old can probably open? Instead of posting an FML, CALL SOMEONE! Call someone to come babysit him. Or you could at least carry a little trashcan around with you to puke in.
schackwow 4
Do you have 2 toilets or are you sharing?
desertpunk75 11
Your child planned this. Beware of him.
cynically 19
Are you writing this from your phone...? lol
vbmg152 19
Been there, done that! Good luck cleaning up, just make sure he doesn't get hurt!
melgreufe 3
But you are able to complete this message? There are holes in your story
TheOath 12
Sounds like he's having the time of his life out there. Abnormal party time!! I wanna come now.