When you think you have the perfect argument...

Today, I was willing to sit behind a truck doing 10km/h just to hear an interview with Robbie Williams on the radio. FML

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By nickern - 8/2/2012 00:13 - Australia

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Today, my friend put my phone number on Craigslist. I still can't find the ad, but obviously everyone else can because I still haven't stopped receiving naked pictures. FML

By Chanman1924 - 24/12/2012 21:06 - United States

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Today, I was entered into an online contest where they announce your name on the radio and if you call in within an hour they pay your bills for you. I'm unemployed, so I got really excited when they announced my name. My call wouldn't go through - I hadn't paid my phone bill and the line was disconnected. FML

By Broke - 27/3/2009 00:24 - United States

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Today, I tried to kill a spider by throwing a shoe at it. All it did was slice the spider's egg sac open, releasing all its babies. FML

By Anonytard - 2/3/2014 22:38 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, I dyed my hair purple. I came out of the salon and a little girl walked past and said, "Wow, you look like a mermaid!", to which her mother quickly said, "No she doesn't, she looks like her parents don't love her." FML

By laurencoc - 31/8/2015 22:50 - Australia - Perth

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Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML

By what_the_hell - 20/6/2013 08:35 - Finland - Helsinki

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Today, my ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still in love with me, is best friends with my mom. Now every time I come home, she is over. She even spent 4 hours helping us decorate our Christmas tree, and now she is telling my little sister about our love life. FML

By fordn4h - 13/12/2010 05:32 - United States

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Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I tried to parallel park there in desperation. A school kid saw the whole attempt and sarcastically clapped me as I gave up and drove away. FML

By - 19/1/2017 08:22

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Today, after a late night at a bar, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking, I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response was, "I live here." FML

By Noname - 3/2/2009 19:57 - United States

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Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML

By Hopelesshomeless - 12/3/2013 18:35 - United States - Cedar Rapids

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Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML

By Workplace woes - 12/5/2016 17:00 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

By Benji - 22/1/2009 12:06 - France

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Today, I agreed to help out with my boyfriend's sister's baby shower. They forgot to inform me that "helping" meant splitting the cost of everything. I now owe his family $275. I don't know how to back out without looking cheap. FML

By JustOutofCollegeAndBroke - 16/7/2015 06:56 - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, for april fools day, my entire class decided to prank our religion teacher. During our daily meditation time, while his eyes were closed, we slowly got out of our seats and left the classroom. Two minutes later he opened his eyes, locked us out, and called the dean to give us all detention. FML

By aprilfooled - 2/4/2009 04:22 - United States

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Today, trying to be nice, I sent a text to my mother-in-law saying that I couldn't wait to have her delicious casserole tonight. Only after sending, I realized that "casserole" had auto corrected to "asshole". FML

By nothing like tasty asshole - 26/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Shelbyville

Just ignore it!

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Today, at my apartment complex, I was carrying a bag of trash up to the dumpster. A guy stopped his car and helped me carry it the rest of the way. I thanked him and he asked me out. I explained that I was married. He grabbed the trash bag and carried it back to my apartment. FML

By mellielynnemily - 26/10/2014 22:46 - United States

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Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After doing my business and we started walking out of the bathroom, my son loudly announced to the whole store, "Mommy has diarrhea!" FML

By Anonymous - 1/9/2010 23:04 - United States

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Today, my 2-year-old cat finally decided to start catching mice. Like any other cat would, she left it for me to find. I found it in the middle of the night, as my bare foot rolled its guts out of its ass. FML

By shadokis - 12/9/2012 18:31 - United States - Charlotte

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Today, I tried to have a serious talk with my sister about how she feeds her kids. The 5-year-old is 75 lbs and the 7-year-old is nearing 100. She scoffed and said, “What do you know? You can’t even have kids!” No, I can’t have kids, but I am in school to become a pediatrician. Pretty sure I’m right. FML

By not right - 30/6/2020 23:00

"People have had enough of experts"

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Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML

By babyboomerang - 12/5/2009 11:16 - United States

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Today, my mom came into my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Due to the routine of my girlfriend doing the exact same thing in the exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother/son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go". FML

By deadman - 16/8/2013 01:06 - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, I tried to suspend a junior accountant for turning up to work late and stoned 3 separate times. Turns out his uncle is a part owner of the business, so the accountant got to smile his smug little grin as I got yelled at for not minding my own business. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 08:00

Evil will always win

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Today, I was having a great time shopping with my gran, until she started complaining about all the foreigners ruining our town, and counting each person who didn't look 100% British. It wouldn't even have been so bad if I wasn't adopted into the family, from Russia. FML

By Foreigner - 1/8/2011 15:05 - Jersey

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Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML

By dayum - 10/12/2009 21:03 - Mexico

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Today, I went to the eye doctor and they used dilating eye-drops on me. After I left, my vision was still pretty blurry. I walked to the subway and when I went to step onto the train, I missed and my whole left leg got stuck in the gap. The train was delayed 10 minutes because of me. FML

By kraussy - 4/5/2009 06:28 - United States

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Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 04:37 - New Zealand - Albany

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Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2014 02:46 - United States

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Today, the bad haircut I received recently no longer makes me look like Dora the Explorer. Instead, I now look comparable to He-Man. FML

By JillianJuneBug - 25/7/2018 19:00

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Today, my brother and I were standing at the baggage claim, waiting for our luggage to come out. We were commenting on all the bags that appeared, and when two large hiking packs came out I exclaimed "What kind of cunts go backpacking in New York?" The old couple standing next to us, apparently. FML

By beavis - 23/5/2009 06:20 - United States

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Today, I learnt that the girl with who I've being going out for 6 months, has been sleeping with every guy around except one. Guess who? FML

By lectro - 24/11/2008 06:08 - France

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Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML

By Anonymous - 2/5/2014 14:04 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, my family and I were laying on my parents' bed watching a movie. My dad wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my shoulder. That would have been fine, if it actually had been my shoulder and not my boob. Needless to say, we were both mortified. FML

By ScarredDaughter - 29/3/2016 05:01 - United States - Chula Vista

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Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

By jack - 28/2/2011 05:43

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Today, as I was taking the driver's test to get my license, I backed into a car. It belonged to the instructor sitting in my passenger seat. FML

By burrito kid - 17/12/2016 06:56 - United States - Mount Pleasant

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Today, I found out the high school I have been doing at home for the past 3 years isn't accredited and doesn't count for anything. I'm 18 and starting high school as a freshman next year. FML

By diplomaless - 14/9/2009 18:58 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. His pubic hair that he'd just cut. FML

By emih - 21/2/2010 08:32 - United States

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Today, I had to squat to retrieve something from the bottom of the cabinet in the bathroom. This caused me to fart and startle myself enough that I jumped and banged my forehead on the sink. FML

By - 30/8/2020 13:01 - Australia - Liverpool

10 out 10 for execution

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Today, I had to pull guard duty. I had to guard the latrine because somebody likes to stuff whole toilet paper rolls in the toilet to clog it. Only six more months in Iraq. FML

By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 06:38 - Iraq

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Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

By KMAC - 16/3/2010 20:14 - United States

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