When you think you have the perfect argument...

Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from SpongeBob, with large letters spelling, "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML

Videos

Out of it

BO Central

The X Factor

By squidwardpotatoes - United States

Street art

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3243

Today, I was on a conference call and digital meeting at work when I got bored and started surfing the Internet. Little did I know that my desktop was being shared. My boss was on the call and saw everything. FML

By hardlyworking - United States

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Today, my boyfriend dumped me for "cheating" on him by using a vibrator. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I nearly got written up for "publicly humiliating" a coworker. All because I left a note in the restroom asking whoever keeps peeing all over the floor to please be considerate of other people. FML

By sickofthisshit - United States - Oceanside

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Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

By Anonymous

What's your emergency?

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273

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

By Nickki - United States

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Today, I sneezed while at the office. I felt snot shoot out, but I couldn't see anything on the tissue. I ignored it and went on with my day. When I went to the bathroom hours later, I noticed a huge wad of snot had dried onto the front of my shirt. No one told me about it. FML

By breebree-0 - United States

What's that?

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Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

By porn daddy

5937

431

Today, I got pulled over for violating hands-free law and not having an updated address on my driver's license. Two days ago, I got pulled over for the same reasons. Now, I have four tickets I need to deal with. FML

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Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML

By julieseattle

Hyperviolence

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302

Today, while I was applying some eyeliner, my cat jumped onto the counter and managed to headbutt me. The wand scratched a good portion of my eyeball, and now for the next few weeks, I will have to deal with the pain of a corneal abrasion. FML

By rhya4n - Denmark - Herlev

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3355

Today, a customer passed out in the bathroom, so we didn't realize he was there until after closing. I don't know what he'd shot up, but whatever it was told him he should run around naked. It's been two hours and the cops still haven't shown up. I can't leave until he does. FML

By AkaiKitsune

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Today, I received an "I miss you" text from my ex of 4 months, who I still love dearly and would give anything to get back together with. Yesterday, I slept with his best friend, convinced I'd never hear from my ex again. FML

By mpetitto - United States - Fairmont

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Today, I was doing a local search at SexSearch.com and I found my sister's profile. FML

By shocked1 - Canada

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Today, my boyfriend said "You're a real work of art. You know, the abstract kind that no one likes. Anyway, we need to break up." FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Windsor

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Today, I found a $100 bill on the ground and was thinking, "I'm so lucky!!" I opened my wallet to find that $300 was missing. I looked back and saw some guy picking up $300. FML

By sdauner - United States

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Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

By how about never? - United States - San Fernando

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Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

By Chedder - United States

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Today, I found out my cat is allergic to ME. No kidding. FML

By blehhx - United States

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Today, the massive bogey that had been dangling precariously from my manager's nose for half an hour finally detached itself. Into my coffee. FML

By melons - United Kingdom - Redditch

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Today, my brother got pantsed by his idiot friends. It was a surprise to everyone that he was wearing women's underwear at the time, but even more of a surprise for me that the underwear belonged to me. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Corona

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Today, I was going to ask my parents for advice on how to get my ex-girlfriend back. I overheard them talking about how glad they were that their plan to break us up worked so well. I don't think I should ask for advice anymore. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

By aproudmom - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

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Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Randallstown

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Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. FML

By xxlexi_lovexx - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. He was watching the TV. House was on. My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was sitting at my computer, listening and singing along to some music. I started singing louder, thinking that I was pretty good. Just then, my mom comes barging through the door in a frenzy saying, "Are you all right? Are you hurt?" FML

By awesome - United States

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Today, in the middle of the night, I got up to go get some water. When I came back, I was going to flop onto my bed, but I faceplanted into my floor. I'd forgotten that I'd rearranged my room and moved my bed. FML

By ayye_its_nikki - United States - Cedar Park

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Today, I accidentally washed the jacket my mother bought me in the washing machine. I didn't know it was supposed to be dry cleaned. My mother ended up crying and screaming that I don't love her, and this would be the last time she ever buys me anything. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 02:02

Overreaction much?

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Today, my house got broken into. They just made a mess. I saw a note on the kitchen table that read "There's nothing good here. You have shitty stuff." FML

By Sarah - Canada - Penhold

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Today, I found out that I didn't get a job because I failed the psychological analysis. It told me to answer each question and tell the truth. So I did. I ask my friend, who got the job, if she told the truth. She said no. Apparently you have to lie in order to get a job. Sorry for being honest. FML

By samantha711 - United States

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Today, I'm spending time with my granny, with whom I'm supposed to live with for a few weeks. I've noticed that she repeats the last word of every sentence I say, and now I'm wondering how it's possible for me to now be so horrible that I want to punch a sweet 92-year-old lady in the head. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, while driving on the streets for the first time, my mom decided that it would be an appropriate time to yell at me for every single mistake I’ve ever made in my life. This stressed me out so much I began driving against traffic. FML

By haramara - 25/5/2021 17:01

Stress test

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Today, I was driving to the DMV to take a test, after getting some points removed from my license. On the way there, I got a speeding ticket and got my license suspended completely. FML

By hockusa3 - United States - Silver Spring

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Today, while walking to my car after work, I witnessed some moron who was texting while riding her bike running right into my parked car, resulting in a broken side mirror, a damaged windshield, two dents, and for her, a broken phone and nose. She's threatening to sue me for damages. FML

By Anon - United States - Bowling Green

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Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

By Username - United States

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Today, I accidentally forgot my glasses in a store bathroom. When I finally noticed, I went back to find that someone was wearing them as he was walking out of the store. I didn't have the balls to call him out on it. FML

By Trippy Penguin

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Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML

By Ralph - United States - Candler

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