Love: Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl....

By lageste - France

Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

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Love

Our house, in the middle of our street

This Charming Man

Sensitive

By dancer, not a hooker... - Canada - Penticton

Today, I finished a dance competition. With competitions, it requires you to wear a lot of makeup like false eyelashes and red lipstick. I went into a Starbucks to get a coffee and a boy around 18 asked me, in all seriousness, what my rate is for one night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Arby's, there were two cute guys behind me in line. Right before ordering, my dad said loudly "Go get the calorie sheet. You need to lose more weight before you think about going after those guys." FML

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By sportyhusband - United States

Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wexford

Today, my aunt informed me that my dad thinks my boyfriend is a loser deadbeat because he hasn't proposed to me after two years of dating and co-habitation. He hasn't asked because I already made it very clear I have no interest in marriage. FML

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By Zitty - United States

Today, I went on a movie date. During the movie, I picked a small zit on my forehead. Afterwards, at dinner, he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of my face. I thought he was staring lovingly at me. He was actually staring at a large throbbing zit with a trail of blood coming from it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

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By - France

Today, my 10-year-old brother won the poem contest at his school. Since then he won’t stop bugging me with them. FML

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By tired - United States

Today, my dad woke me up 3 hours early, after I had been up very late the night before, because something "awesome" happened. Apparently the cashier at Dunkin' Donuts and I share the same first name. Thanks Dad. FML

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31763

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML

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By nehadrihan - United States - Oceanside

Today, my mom decided to follow me during my driving test. She rear ended me. FML

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47015

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By peallow - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I asked my father if he was proud that I have never done drugs, never drank alcohol, never had sex, never had psychological problems, never been to the hospital for something serious, never been in a fight and maintain good grades. He told me I was a boring daughter. FML

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By thanksalot - United States

Today, my mum called and told me she had bought me a new, white dish washer for my apartment because it doesn't have one. I was SO excited and told her I'd pay her back as soon as I could. I only had to pay her $1.25. She bought me a sponge. FML

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46065

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By KeepOnTruckin'

Today, I had to help my best friend plan his upcoming date with the girl he doesn't know I'm secretly in love with. FML

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1813

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By really - United States - Knoxville

Today, I was at a club when a notoriously desperate and disgusting guy asked me to grind with him. Hoping for some backup, I coolly said, "You'll have to ask my boyfriend." My boyfriend's response? "Yeah, man, I don't care." FML

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38394

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By MissCan'tKeepAJob - United States

Today, I work by myself at a retail store and I was bored so I called my boyfriend. I woke him up and he was feeling frisky, and as things were getting heated I started to moan and say dirty things. Until the entire rack of clothes fell over and revealed my boss hiding. He had a boner. FML

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22062

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By googlefreak54321 - United States

Today, I went out to go meet up with a guy. I walked all the way to his house just to see him. Then he made me hide behind a bush till his girlfriend left. FML

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33430

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By julesmommy - United States

Today, my husband used our last $2000 to buy himself a motorcycle. It's supposed to "save us a lot on gas money." FML

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27866

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By sobasics - United States

Today, I finally got a phone call from a publisher saying they would publish the book I'd written. I'd gotten loads of rejection letters, so I was so excited. Until I realized it was my dad, feeling sorry for me. FML

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47321

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 20:01

Red flag

Today, I tried therapy to talk about my problems without feeling like i am harassing anyone. After messaging a therapist for over 2 hours, I felt way better and finally understood. It turned out I'm in such a bad mental state that I'm a danger to myself and others. Police were called by the therapist. FML

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By mystupidname - Denmark

Sixteen again

Today, my dad and his new fiancée are like two love-sick bunnies. They start having sex immediately whenever I leave the house. Even when I take out the trash. FML

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1918

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By Miss_Whipped - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I just received the king-sized bed I'd ordered. My boyfriend moved out two days ago when we broke up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mother to tell her that I got engaged. In the 15 minute conversation that followed, 13 were spent listening to how this is going to affect her. FML

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By Heidi Jeanette

Today, I learned that my insatiable appetite and sex drive is because I'm 5 months pregnant. I'm married to a woman. We had a threesome one drunken night. FML

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2782

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By Username - United States

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

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By doomeddaddy - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

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31178

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By William Johnson - United States - Anchorage

Today, I went on a 70-mile drive to the next town over to finally meet this beautiful girl I had talked to online. To my surprise, she looked exactly how she did in her pictures, minus the ring on her finger and the fiancé who wanted to punch me in the face. FML

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46374

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By 2pale - United States - Humble

Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally convinced a girl that I liked to have sex. I decided to swoop her off the feet like the movies and carry her to my bed. I ended up hitting her head on the door frame, knocking her out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my prom date and his family came over to take pictures. His dad happens to be my mom's gynecologist. FML

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By sober - United States

Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad was supposed to take me to get a tattoo, but instead he went to the bar, got drunk, and told me how I was the biggest mistake he and my mom have ever made. FML

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By Jessica S. - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that the mysterious and creepy weirdo guy that continuously sends me messages on Facebook is my manager at my new job. FML

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25367

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By arghgffhdfg - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother screamed at my brother for ages for playing a Nicki Minaj music video. She said it's "terrible, demonic garbage" that'll get us "spitroasted in Hell". I don't even disagree with the first part, but she does this kind of thing every single day when I get home from my night job. FML

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22158

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By elrjay - Spain - Madrid

Today, I'm laying in my holiday apartment with the patio doors open, listening to the german man next door take dirty pics of his wife on the balcony. I'm too scared to get up and shut the door. FML

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4924

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By mimabee - United States

Today, my boyfriend got a job at a trendy clothing store in the mall. Trying to be supportive, I went to visit him and tried something on. I got stuck in the jeans and had to call my boyfriend, who sent the manager to pull the jeans off me. FML

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By Josh - United States - Fenton

Today, some guy on the street threatened to stab me. I called his bluff, and walked away. He wasn't bluffing. FML

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36841

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend. Things got a little hot and I started to pull up my shirt. She screamed and told me to stop because the innocence of her stuffed animals was at stake. We are 18, and she was dead serious. FML

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By Scabby - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend pulling off scabs and eating them. My scabs. FML

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43389

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By ughhh123456789 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my old neighbor's bathroom, because he asked me to and I didn't want to be rude. Plus, I was getting paid. He told me to "get the floor pearly white." So I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed. Turns out the floor tiles are naturally a dull yellowish. I didn't get paid. FML

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By Desperate_measures - Greece

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friends house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said "who's this? stop texting me." FML

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Top comments

By Brokenwings92 | 0

#240164 - Thursday 28 May 2009 22:06

and you didn't feel your crotch BURNING???

By MizzMe123 | 0

#592883 - Tuesday 29 September 2009 1:34

And right theres a new meaning to the word " firecrotch" .

COMMENTS

By Brokenwings92 | 0

#240164 - Thursday 28 May 2009 22:06

and you didn't feel your crotch BURNING???

jennawheaton | 0

#860180 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 2:19

mahah

XoacHale | 0

#2247123 - Sunday 27 March 2011 5:46

YDI. cockiness.

By squigglyshark | 0

#249890 - Monday 1 June 2009 4:29

I don't see the fail here. Worst case it's a funny story to tell in bars later.

By randomxtremely | 0

#306149 - Monday 15 June 2009 5:40

don't waste ur time on dates. watch what goes around u...and urself

By n530411351 | 9

#458320 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 7:02

that damn gonorrhea...

By DynamicDave | 11

#509009 - Sunday 23 August 2009 8:51

Who says 'trousers'?

Lolzords | 11

#575526 - Sunday 20 September 2009 5:26

Brits and anyone who learned British English instead of American English.

By MizzMe123 | 0

#592883 - Tuesday 29 September 2009 1:34

And right theres a new meaning to the word " firecrotch" .

By stewpididiot | 11

#910160 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 6:24

ydi for smoking... or for hitting on a smoker.

By greendaygirl112 | 0

#974986 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 5:09

sryy but did u get anythin from her

By iFacade | 5

#980108 - Thursday 15 April 2010 21:20

that's hot.

By leslielove11 | 0

#1050570 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 20:37

firecrotch 