Intimacy: Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started...

By fingerfuckd - Canada

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

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Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

BO Central

Ideal first date

By Anonymous - United States

So that's what the smell was!

Today, I found my son's dead goldfish. Apparently, when it died he didn't flush it. Instead he placed it in one of my socks, placed that sock in a jar, and set the jar in the back of my closet. The fish has been dead for over a month. FML

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By what434 - United States

Today, I learned that you don't put your diamond earrings on over your bathroom sink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Quakertown

Today, I finished a big art project. It was a self-portrait done in acrylics. Proud of my piece, I showed my mom. After some thought her first comment was, "well, I'm either going to insult your art or your face." FML

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By Smittynumerouno - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had an old man yell in my face because the boxes in our store only had Spanish words on them. I spent 15 minutes apologizing and trying to explain that the English was on the back side. He stormed out before I could even show him. FML

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By f*ck - United States

Today, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Yucaipa

Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML

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By Christmas sucks - United States - Boston

Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Cluj-napoca

Today, I asked my bosses for three weeks off in July to go on a much-needed vacation. Their response was to fire me on the spot. My bosses are my aunt and uncle. FML

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By AlonsoKold - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I don't like her Facebook statuses enough. FML

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By Broccolliboyy - United States - Colfax

Today, I learned that the money I work hard for on YouTube has been transferred to the wrong person's banking account. That person is my ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Princess - United States

Today, my cell phone service was interrupted because I owed the company 27 cents. It cost 36 dollars to reinstate my service. FML

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By whattalife - United States

Today, out of sheer boredom, I took a career personality test. The "best match" for me was the position of funeral director. Not only do I have a promising future with death, I got genuinely excited at how accurate the result was. FML

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By badbirthday - Canada

Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Findlay

Today, my waiter turned to me and asked, "Let me guess, Miss I'm-not-fat-I'm-fluffy wants a diet coke?" FML

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By Anonymous

Oh no.

Today, while cleaning out my daughter's closet, I found my missing dildo. It's a mold of my husband's penis. FML

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By bye loser - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got run over. Not by a car, but by a lady in a wheelchair. Am I really that invisible? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, of the two IDs I possess, I handed the cop that pulled me over the fake one. FML

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By yodada - United States

Today, I was pulled over because I looked like a possible suspect for a robbery. While searching me, the police's radio went off and the person on the other line said, "Possible suspect, 5'5", thin" - the officer stopped right then and murmured, "too short and fat" and walked back to his car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the eye doctor. He tells me that I've developed a severe allergy to contact lenses and must stop wearing them immediately. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't just visited him a week earlier, paid for a new prescription and ordered a year's worth of brand new lenses. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

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By minikat

Today, my parents woke me up and grounded me for the "disrespectful" things I said to them in my sleep. Apparently I say these things every night, and each time I do they extend the grounding. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, my fiancé told me that it would be okay with him if I got plastic surgery to make my boobs larger. It would also be okay with him if I didn't get the surgery, but he would call off our engagement and never talk to me again. FML

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By Bailey - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML

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By unloved - United States

Today, during an argument with my daughter she screamed "everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

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By fbcaught - United States

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kennewick

Today, I told my friend I was considering adopting a dog. She looked at me like I was Satan and went on a rant about how dogs are "born evil" and will always maul someone given the chance. I still have the marks from when one of her psycho cats sliced open my arm last month. FML

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By batsu - Canada

Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized just how bad my 28-year-old husband's gamer rage is when I came home to a smashed TV. This is the second TV in three months that he's destroyed. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

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By not-so-young-shortie - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 09:38 - India

The cringe is real

Today, I was excited for my very first oral sex session. Didn't imagine that the guy would bite everywhere like a beaver trying to be sexy and leave without even cuddling. Definitely didn't match the long sexts. FML

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By NotDrunk - United States - San Diego

Today, I was at a family dinner, which had gone into meltdown after my aunt said something sarcastic about my mother's drinking. I went out for some fresh air and stumbled about in the dark, unaware of the fact that a pool was being dug. I fell into the huge hole and lost a shoe. FML

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By skrillexblewme - United States

Today, as I sat down in the plane, I realized that for the next seven hours I would be sitting next to a priest who refused to stop praying aloud, and an old man who wanted to tell me the story of how the toothpick came to be. FML

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By shellie - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Today, I was shocked to notice that my hair has started growing out entirely silver, supposedly due to pregnancy. I'm 19. Apparently, according to my aunt, "It runs in the family." FML

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By Gullible - United States - Cleveland

Today, my boyfriend of three years told me he was thinking about us taking a break. After an hour of crying and him saying it would be okay, I accepted it. When I asked when the break would start, he replied, "What are you talking about? I only said I'd thought about it" and then laughed. FML

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By stupidoldcar - United States

Today, I finished installing a brand new engine in my old car. It cost just over $6000. Later, I was waiting at a red light and an uninsured drunk driver smashed into it head on. It's completely totaled. I got to drive it 5 miles. The car is worth $1000, even with a new engine. FML

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By Msrebound

Today, even my 11-year-old noticed how much my boyfriend constantly reminisces about his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By tm - United States - Madisonville

Today, I went to the emergency room with chest pain. I didn't have a heart attack, but I now have a broken nose after passing out and face-planting in the waiting room. FML

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Top comments

By sbcpunkrocker | 0

#154760 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:00

that's your cue to leave her, run away as fast as you can

By HurriKaty | 4

#154767 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:02

Bitch is crazy. Run. Run away.

COMMENTS

By sbcpunkrocker | 0

#154760 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:00

that's your cue to leave her, run away as fast as you can

Darraghscoot | 0

#886023 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 20:47

your mind does get a bit foggy when your having an orgasm though.would you not agree? :)

ryguy997 | 0

#929446 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 18:52

maybe use ur dick not ur finger... would prob be better for both of u.

abcnonamecba | 0

#967817 - Thursday 25 March 2010 8:43

win @ruyguy

virshu | 0

#1017662 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:15

ya. "while u were inside here" doesn't include ur finger lol.

gman90210 | 18

#5213289 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 11:24

My words exactly.

By ccsballazdre | 8

#154765 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:01

I agree with #1, Leave!!!

CaptinFalconKnig | 6

#2302195 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 7:39

just wow is all I have to say....

tal26ful | 0

#2964637 - Sunday 24 July 2011 14:15

Agreed

By britt030209 | 0

#154766 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:01

I agree too! Leave while you can!

By HurriKaty | 4

#154767 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:02

Bitch is crazy. Run. Run away.

TWSSMoment | 0

#843596 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:32

I agree...what you Need to do is go to the airport and fly to Hawaii they got some fine girls over there and leave a note that says you've vomited suicide....works every time trust me.