Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started...

By fingerfuckd - 29/4/2009 15:47 - Canada

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

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Intimacy

Call CPS!

Fear factor

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

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By MoveOn! - 25/1/2017 20:00

Today, and at every family event, my parents and grandparents go on and on about my ex and how much they miss him and wish I would get back with him. This would be fine, rude, but fine, except that they tell this to my husband. It's been years and we're expecting our first child. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 21:34 - United States

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2018 15:00

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2018 19:00

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2012 05:46 - United States - San Diego

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML

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By Ro - 5/10/2010 02:39 - United States

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

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By iVaughtTV - 28/2/2012 22:44 - United States

Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

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By Vampprobs - 25/3/2014 01:52 - United States - Skandia

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

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By moms a baby - 31/3/2014 02:44 - United States - Loma Linda

Today, my mom stopped playing badminton with me because she claimed I was too aggressive. Apparently winning, playing by the rules, and smashing is considered aggressive. FML

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By sadex - 9/3/2015 07:52

Today, I got the earlier bus to avoid my ex after a painful breakup. He had the same idea. FML

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By whythebunny - 30/10/2015 18:56 - United States - Bastrop

Today, in an effort to look more professional at work, I wore high heels. My boss decided today would be a great day for me to walk around on the sidewalk holding a sign to advertise instead of doing the job I was hired for. FML

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By fuck you, tasha - 24/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

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By Fireguy92 - 1/2/2013 04:39 - United States - Dewitt

Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2014 21:49 - United States - Washington

Today, school was out because of snow. My dad walked in my room and shouted "Why are you home?!" I told him why, and he replied, "Then get out the damn house and play in the snow." He tossed me out in nothing but my shorts. FML

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By Lifeless - 15/8/2010 08:42 - United States

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, my first graders released the butterflies we've been raising. The kids were sad that one had died in his cocoon and wouldn't be set free. Turns out that butterfly may have had a better fate: a flock of birds ate half of the others. Immediately after releasing them. In front of the kids. FML

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By RyloGhyst - 12/12/2016 12:46 - United States - Killeen

Today, after putting the same load of laundry through the wash four times, I was wondering why my clothes kept smelling worse and worse. Turns out, my cat learned how to open and pee in the detergent funnel. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2016 15:04 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I found out that my best friend is being sacked. He's also about to rent a new apartment which he won't be able to afford when he loses his job. I can't warn him or I'll breach confidentiality and lose my job as well. FML

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By MoncaBang - 29/1/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from the Sheriff's dept. saying that water was coming out my front door. I ran home to find a waterfall cascading over my covered parking. It turns out my puppy had chewed through the hose that connects the toilet to the water. My entire condo had an inch of standing water. FML

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By thatoneguy - 5/9/2011 20:23 - United States

Today, a five year old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

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By bananayellowteeth - 3/5/2009 08:37 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what seemed like hours, he gave me a long speech about how if I continue to smoke, the yellowing of my teeth won't be the only problem. I don't smoke. I never have. FML

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By ahhnotoy - 27/4/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, I bought a box of Fruit Loops. When I got home, I noticed a free prize would be in the box. I sifted through the box, looking for the small toy. It wasn't in there. I don't know what is more sad, the fact that I got ripped off by a children's cereal or that I'm 21 and upset by it. FML

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By Disappointment - 26/5/2017 19:00 - United States - Gresham

Today, I flew home to visit my parents. We haven't seen each other in two years, I've gotten a few tattoos done since, and I knew they wouldn't approve, so I bought whole new outfits that covered everything and looked professional. When I got there, the first thing my mom says to me is, "Is that a nose ring!?" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2016 09:25 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, while driving on the motorway, I sneezed so hard my contacts popped out. FML

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By fucktheearth - 20/4/2016 03:32 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was sitting at my desk when out of nowhere I had a "silent sneeze attack". Someone in the office called the paramedics because they thought I was having a seizure. This is the third time this has happened this week. FML

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By David - 11/10/2019 02:00 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Annie's Song

Today, I was finally having a conversation with my granny, who I don't get to see often. First thing she tells me was that she was going to have surgery soon, because her "women's insides" were "dangling out." FML

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By drakx88 - 6/3/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, it was my final meeting with my psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML

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By Username - 3/8/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, I quit smoking. It seems that when you don't smoke for almost 24 hours, your sense of smell comes back. I then noticed how disgusting my apartment smells. Great. FML

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By Catherine - 10/6/2012 18:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I confronted my husband over the fact that despite me working two jobs to support us for the last three years, we're nowhere near our goal of buying a house. He actually had the brass balls to defend pissing my money down the drain on his ceramic cat collection. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2017 04:00

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

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By Chilly - 3/3/2014 07:13 - United States - Wasilla

Today, I told my mom that my boyfriend had broken up with me. She was more upset about it than I was. She actually almost cried. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2015 03:02 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, some homeless person came up to the window and started doing a voice-over. FML

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By Kybo5 - 8/2/2013 05:45 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, I had a ride along in an ambulance. Being observant, I thought it was funny that a patient had to vomit. That was until I realized they couldn't control where they had to vomit. I spent the rest of the ambulance ride holding a vomit bag in front of the woman's face. Not so funny anymore. FML

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By zcollins - 10/9/2013 15:52 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

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By smileydays - 29/1/2014 03:09 - Canada - Merritt

Today, I had an oral English exam to present in front of three teachers. Halfway through, I completely lost my voice. They failed me because they thought I was trying to play a prank. FML

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By StillSingle - 29/6/2009 18:14 - United States

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl there was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

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By josie345 - 25/8/2011 02:07 - United States

Today, some blowhard on a motorcycle yelled at me for jaywalking, causing him to almost hit a dumpster. He picked up and threw an empty beer can at me when I started giggling at the sticker on the front of his helmet that said "If you can read this, I have lost my caravan." FML

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Top comments

By sbcpunkrocker | 0

#154760 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:00

that's your cue to leave her, run away as fast as you can

By HurriKaty | 4

#154767 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:02

Bitch is crazy. Run. Run away.

Comments

By sbcpunkrocker | 0

#154760 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:00

that's your cue to leave her, run away as fast as you can

Darraghscoot | 0

#886023 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 20:47

your mind does get a bit foggy when your having an orgasm though.would you not agree? :)

ryguy997 | 0

#929446 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 18:52

maybe use ur dick not ur finger... would prob be better for both of u.

abcnonamecba | 0

#967817 - Thursday 25 March 2010 8:43

win @ruyguy

virshu | 0

#1017662 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:15

ya. "while u were inside here" doesn't include ur finger lol.

gman90210 | 18

#5213289 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 11:24

My words exactly.

By ccsballazdre | 8

#154765 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:01

I agree with #1, Leave!!!

CaptinFalconKnig | 6

#2302195 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 7:39

just wow is all I have to say....

tal26ful | 0

#2964637 - Sunday 24 July 2011 14:15

Agreed

By britt030209 | 0

#154766 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:01

I agree too! Leave while you can!

By HurriKaty | 4

#154767 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:02

Bitch is crazy. Run. Run away.

TWSSMoment | 0

#843596 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:32

I agree...what you Need to do is go to the airport and fly to Hawaii they got some fine girls over there and leave a note that says you've vomited suicide....works every time trust me.

whatchutalkinbou | 0

#922309 - Sunday 7 March 2010 20:13

you can vomit suicide?

brenz1126 | 0

#2484601 - Monday 9 May 2011 22:09

LOL

Ifuckedthefeartu | 30

#7444237 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 19:43

If the roles were switched you wouldn't curse him out. You'd probably pity him. You're using her pitifulness to excuse your sexism. And it's not cool

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#154770 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:02

lol maybe you should get better at what you do.

Im2theran21 | 2

#1992113 - Friday 21 January 2011 13:29

Hey, im imran. I just wanted to introduce myself. And to say that what you wrote in your description is pretty legit.

By Eki23 | 0

#154773 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:03

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By Maddisonboii | 0

#154774 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:03

#5 has the right idea, Haha.
Her pus probably smells anyways

Ifuckedthefeartu | 30

#7444240 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 19:46

Looks like we found the women hating neckbeard. Seriously you idiot, women don't just magically become gross and unattractive when they don't want you.

By Shotta | 3

#154777 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:04

Get the hell out of there!! I can tell she has psychological issues.

By omglolydi | 0

#154782 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:05

Run... run far far away

By Kristoffer | 33

#154784 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:05

If she wants him that bad, let her go back to him. He's not available? Sucks to be her then, still get rid of her.