Today, I was at the mall with my 7-year-old granddaughter. When... - FML

By Damn millennials! - 25/10/2018 23:45 - Philippines - Taguig

Today, I was at the mall with my 7-year-old granddaughter. When we entered a clothing store, she pulled me back, saying loudly, "Grandma! This is 'Forever 21'! 'Currently 58' is down that way!" I blame my son for this little troll. FML

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Great boyfriend

Ghosted

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By dearbailee - 18/9/2012 14:04 - United States

Today, I was on a train. An elderly woman and her daughter got on, looking for a seat. The daughter suggested the one next to mine. The elderly woman looked at me and said something in Russian. I speak some Russian. She said she didn't want to "sit by the hooker." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2010 04:33 - Canada

Today, after taking a pregnancy test and carefully disposing of all the evidence so no one would find out, I realized I left the receipt for it on the bathroom counter. I noticed too late as I watch my mom step out of the bathroom, and my step-father go in right after. FML

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By reallyhighschool - 3/12/2013 16:34 - United States - Torrance

Today, I got nominated to sit in a chair in the middle of the gym during a high school rally while the entire school got to throw paper balls at me. FML

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By aragmir - 18/12/2016 06:10 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2017 05:00

Today, I decided to drive to the airport and park in extended stay. As the plane was going down the runway, I tried to spot my car. I found it very quickly as the car alarm was going off and all its lights were flashing. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 22:00

Put it away

Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML

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By idontgetit - 12/6/2012 23:39 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I proudly told my elitist dad that I now have a beautiful girlfriend. He didn't believe me, so I showed him her Facebook. He demanded that I stop seeing her, saying that the duck-facing in her avatar was the hallmark of "a lower form of being" who would only ever shame our family. FML

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By Moeswifey - 24/10/2010 17:11 - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2014 16:16 - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

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By spongebob squarepants - 28/2/2018 01:30

Today, I rear-ended someone while trying to watch my odometer hit 80,000 miles. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2015 14:27 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss at my new job described a client as "retarded". I corrected him with "mentally disabled". He smirked and replied "Whatever. Just explain things to her real slow. After all, she's 'mentally disabled'. And a woman." I need this job so bad that I'll have to just put up with this asshole. FML

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By DeannaMarie - 26/12/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML

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By Pandy1031 - 9/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Crofton

Today, as I was shampooing my hair in the shower, the power went out. Since my house has well water, no power means no water. FML

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By jobless - 30/6/2019 22:01

Today, I had my first interview after weeks of applying everywhere, but I got turned away for being "inappropriately dressed" for the interview. I was wearing the smartest clothes I own. FML

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By whoops - 10/6/2020 02:00

Exclusivity

Today, I ran into the guy I’ve been seeing. He was holding hands with another girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket. I put the ticket in my bag and accidentally left the bag in my friends car. When I returned, the car window was smashed, my bag was gone. I had to call the police department and ask them to send me a new ticket, on top of the $1000 or so I'd already lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, I had to chase my dog all the way down the street, watching in horror as she proudly showed all of my neighbors my bra. FML

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By skjjj - 26/4/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We came late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 01:05 - United States

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

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By Cashier - 24/9/2011 06:21 - United States

Today, at the end of my shift with a long line of customers, the older woman I was checking out calmly said, "You should take a minute to fix your hair dear, we have all been talking about it while we waited." FML

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By Jimseagoon - 3/9/2018 20:30

Today, my wife took me to Taco Bell for the first time. I said, "Isn't this where all those FMLs happen to people?" She said, "You'll be fine." I am writing this from the toilet. I am not fine. FML

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By polish_chik - 1/9/2009 04:00 - Canada

Today, I saw a poor helpless cat in the middle of the road while driving. I pulled over and scooped it in my arms to bring it to safety. Not only did I get mauled and scratched by the cat, my car also wasn't put in park and rolled away hitting a parked car. FML

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By jkl54 - 1/4/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the mall. We were looking at jewellery in Zales and she came across the engagement rings. She looks at one and says, "Are you kidding me? That ring is hideous and it's the most expensive one here! Who the fuck would buy that?" Well, that would be me. FML

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By flattened - 10/2/2011 10:58

Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML

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By artist - 29/3/2013 11:12 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I spent the whole night and day painting a portrait of my girlfriend. Being proud of it, I sent it to her hoping she would appreciate it. I spent hours working on that picture only for her to reply with, "That's not me, is it?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

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By PrestonW - 9/2/2011 15:53

Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML

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By 420SUX - 4/8/2012 06:17 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I caught my boyfriend staring at my sister through the doorway while we were having sex. FML

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By SwimminginSweat - 27/2/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, during a slow dance, my date wrapped his arms around my waist. Right as I touched his neck he says, "Sorry, I'm slightly sweaty." He wasn't lying. For the longest two minutes of my life I was swimming in his sweat. FML

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By ggbhghggg - 18/11/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I missed my bus. I had to ride my bike 2 miles. Once I left, some jerk nearly hit me. I flipped him off and shouted obsceneties. It was my dad, offering me a ride. He left. FML

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By shootme - 13/11/2011 22:46 - Canada

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

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By Baby Bethy - 25/12/2016 04:00 - United States

Today, I went to bed at noon after having driven 11 hours from Washington to Maine. I missed my flight due to a delayed plane, and was told there were no open flights the next 2 days. I'd been driving my $200 rental car for 1.5 hrs when the airport told me, over the phone, that there was in fact a flight available. FML

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By heathenhaha - 10/2/2017 20:21 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

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By Lonely - 2/1/2010 10:30 - United States

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML

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By NotsexyEnough - 23/11/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be sexy and take off my clothes with his teeth. He ended up biting my leg. FML

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By Duellist - 13/4/2017 02:00

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

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By .__. - 7/12/2014 08:10 - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I snooped around my parents' room looking for hidden Christmas presents. The only hidden things I found was a whip, two ball gags, several other sex toys, and a load of newspaper clippings about the JFK assassination. What the fuck? FML

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By brokeandsad - 3/1/2010 20:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight about a clogged toilet. He was yelling about not having enough money to buy a better plunger and so I stormed out to buy one myself. While pulling his truck into traffic, a car hit me causing $1000 in damage. FML

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By JpL - 25/4/2019 02:00

Today, I asked my Instagram followers out of curiosity who their favourite influencer was. Someone replied, without knowing it doesn’t come up anonymously, “Not you.” FML

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By Coffee - 6/8/2018 16:30

Today, I went to Starbucks to get my free birthday coffee and due to a mistake I received two. Thinking it was my lucky day, I hurried off to work. As I was walking in, I tripped and spilt one coffee all over my new dress. Then I walked into a door and spilt the other. FML

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Top comments

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7713866 - Thursday 25 October 2018 18:07

I like her sense of humor.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7708003 - Saturday 13 October 2018 1:41

That kid is going places.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7708003 - Saturday 13 October 2018 1:41

That kid is going places.

Reply

Leeono | 26

#7708195 - Saturday 13 October 2018 14:15

I foresee an Fml comment of the week in her future!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7713866 - Thursday 25 October 2018 18:07

I like her sense of humor.

By MamaChey | 22

#7713873 - Thursday 25 October 2018 18:18

And THAT’S why 7 is my very favorite age for kids!!!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7713879 - Thursday 25 October 2018 18:31

Point to the parking garage and say “Going Home Empty-Handed” is this way.

The little brat can practice her Don Rickles comedy act at home.

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7713937 - Thursday 25 October 2018 20:15

Don't be too hard on yourself... 58 is still pretty young by grandmother standards!

By Alup132 | 22

#7713990 - Thursday 25 October 2018 22:21

OP, you’re my mom’s age, and my dad is 8 years older, it’s not that bad! I’m only 18, so it’ll be unfortunate when I’m older, however.

By jennrotten | 11

#7714001 - Thursday 25 October 2018 22:45

Hey, it says "Forever" 21. That's right, even when you're 58.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7714089 - Friday 26 October 2018 4:50

Well, you're the one who raised your son.

By hxnniemxrie | 3

#7715199 - Sunday 28 October 2018 5:30

CURRENTLY 58 WHY