Animals: Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years....

By newlyneurotic - United States - Spokane

Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML

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Animals

Sick burn

Live from Salt Lake City

Parental guilt

By Anonymous

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

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By Dina - France

Today, whilst chatting with my mum on MSN, she unintentionally sent me an animated emoticon of a penis jerking off repeatedly. I don't even want to know the type of conversation she was having. FML

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By Syd - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By lights on forever - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I was washing up in a public bathroom, when I looked up for a second and saw a kid in the mirror staring back at me. I gasped, as I thought the place had been empty. He whispered, "It's time to die." I screamed and ran out, only to hear him burst out laughing behind me. FML

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By drake86 - United Kingdom - Helensburgh

Today, I got genuinely annoyed at myself when I realised I probably lack the skills to survive a Zombie apocalypse. FML

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By duhitskelly94 - United States

Today, I drove 150 miles to see one of my favorite singers in concert. Before I got out of the car I checked to make sure I had the tickets. Did I have the tickets? Yes. Were they for today's concert? Nope. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my lovely amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles and out of my window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Surprise

Today, while walking around town, some guy grabbed me from behind, clutched at my nipples, and said, "That's where I always imagined they were." FML

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By Anonymous

News to me

Today, my dad told me he liked men. While he was making a drunken speech. At my wedding. FML

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By ohtheirony

Today, I scratched my car with a bottle of scratch remover deeply enough that the scratch remover couldn't remove it. FML

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By gng2fckngkilluyoufckngfckr - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. I also found out that my best friend knew about it all along. When I confronted him, he tried to justify the betrayal by saying that she paid him to keep quiet. FML

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By legitweirdo - United States - Brooklyn

Today, within the first 15 minutes of a nonstop 8-hour flight, the guy sitting next to me picked an eyelash he found on my face, stared at it for a few seconds, and stuck it in his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Whittier

Today, I realized how truly insecure I really am, when the guy in the show I'm watching looked straight into the camera and I immediately looked away. FML

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By 4gottenmemories - United States

Today, my mom asked me to look through old VHS tapes to throw away, I found one that said "Ashley's kindergarten Play-'95", I put the tape in, it begins to play, only to see "Days of our lives", "Melrose Place", and "ER". My childhood memories are ranked lower than tv shows. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, I came home to find my boyfriend playing with himself. He got mad and said I "killed the mood". How? By coming home. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had someone place two separate to-go orders, so that he could use two of his "25% off" coupons. He couldn't understand why it wasn't 50% off his total bill, no matter how many times I plainly explained it to him. FML

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By Pissedoff777 - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out that if guys eat fruit often, their sperm will taste better. He bought a can of fruit for himself to eat, and said that he bought it just for me. This is the most romantic thing he's ever done. FML

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By BrandNewLemon - United States - Lancaster

Today, I financed my first car. I also made my first call to AAA when it broke down. It barely had any miles on it and I wasn't even home yet. FML

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By bandeek

Knackered

Today, my boyfriend and I fell asleep twice during sex. FML

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By organizse - United States - San Antonio

Today, I went to a job interview, and my father in law's house. As soon as I got home I went to the bathroom and noticed my bloody pantyliner had fallen out at one of these places. I don't know which one is worse. FML

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By concernedcousin

Onan would be proud

Today, my little twelve year-old cousin who is staying with us for a while so his parents can "work out issues" ran into my room, his face ghostly white. He begged me to take him to the hospital because he "tugged" on his penis too much in the shower, and was "bleeding milky stuff." Sigh. FML

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By chunkymonkey

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

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By nicegirl08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me for my birthday. Over dinner he handed me a blank card that had the words "I love you" hastily written on it. When the waiter came to take our order he informed him that we'd be paying separately. Happy Birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I worked at my job at an amusement park at one of the roller coasters. I have to go around and make sure that every seat belt is around the passenger. I saw my boyfriend in a seat and ran over to say hi. I saw a girl next to him. I had to strap down my cheating boyfriend and the new girl. FML

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Don't care

Today, I realized that I'm a horrible uncle, I have two nephews and I don't know their age nor birthday. They are twins. FML

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By Messiahman - United States

Today, I was playing twister with my girlfriend at the school carnival. I jokingly squeeze her butt, only to find her mom standing right above us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend scratch her crotch and then sniff her fingers. FML

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By Anonymous

Explain this

Today, I came home to find my mom in my apartment packing my things and crying. When she saw me she threw her arms around me and explained through her tears that she caught my girlfriend cheating on me and that she was sorry. My girlfriend and I are in an open relationship. I had to explain that. FML

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By loser weeper - United States - Cape Coral

Today, after looking for my phone for three weeks, I used find my iPhone to track it to my sister-in-law's house. Her response? "Finders keepers, losers weepers." FML

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By WeightAMinute - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

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By Baby Bethy - United States

Today, I went to bed at noon after having driven 11 hours from Washington to Maine. I missed my flight due to a delayed plane, and was told there were no open flights the next 2 days. I'd been driving my $200 rental car for 1.5 hrs when the airport told me, over the phone, that there was in fact a flight available. FML

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By Liv - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

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By superb12345 - United States - Cascade

Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML

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By meltdowninrels - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me. When I told my sister, she just smiled, held up a closed fist, and said "Look at the number of fucks I give!" She then raised a finger, said "Oops. Finger spasm!" then lowered it again. FML

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By behold the Underminer

Today, the water company found that a water main has been leaking steadily possibly for decades and has turned the land my house is built on into an underground bog. Cracks have been appearing in my walls for a while, apparently because my house is slowly sinking into it. FML

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By itwasathtebottomofmycoffeemug - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I found out my son has a new hobby after seeing a picture on the internet: putting realistic-looking stickers of spiders at the bottom of my coffee mugs. My wife was scared half to death this morning after downing a cup of coffee and then glancing the cup's bottom. FML

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By adogg18 - United States

Today, I let my son drive us home. After just 10 feet, he crashed into a parked cop car. It was my squad car. FML

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By Loopy - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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By meesh22 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 02:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

How could you?

Today, I saw the Steelers throw the game to the Browns. I get it, you don't want to go to the Superbowl, but could you try being more realistic than staged wrestling? FML

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Top comments

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7537063 - Sunday 3 September 2017 16:15

Take them out for a while. When he doesn't get the same reaction the next few times, he should hopefully quit it. We all hope to HEAR how that goes! (Sorry I couldn't help it)

By signekrogjensen | 16

#7537106 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:11

You should film it

COMMENTS

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7537063 - Sunday 3 September 2017 16:15

Take them out for a while. When he doesn't get the same reaction the next few times, he should hopefully quit it. We all hope to HEAR how that goes! (Sorry I couldn't help it)

By signekrogjensen | 16

#7537106 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:11

You should film it

By Talented73 | 54

#7537109 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:24

Hopefully, his bark is worse than his bite.

By Talented73 | 54

#7537110 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:26

Use a rolled up newspaper. Maybe he will realize he is barking up the wrong tree.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7537111 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:30

When he does that, you need to yell, “No!,” smack him, then go change your pants.

You can’t reprimand a dog AFTER you’ve changed your soiled undergarments.

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7537126 - Sunday 3 September 2017 21:32

And we believe that an old dog can't learn new tricks.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7537132 - Sunday 3 September 2017 21:52

This is actually hilarious to picture.

By davecross | 11

#7537192 - Monday 4 September 2017 1:40

You have the smartest dog every

davecross | 11

#7537194 - Monday 4 September 2017 1:41

Ever!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7537226 - Monday 4 September 2017 6:24

It's payback for all the times you fake throw the ball/stick.

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7537241 - Monday 4 September 2017 8:21

HEY HOOMAN CAN U HEAR ME?!!? U CAN! KTHXBYE