Animals: Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years....

By newlyneurotic - United States - Spokane

Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML

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Animals

Messed up

The View

Fake News

By TeddyBearKiller - United States

Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was finally leaving my hometown to live in my dream city. Everything was packed, keys were handed in, goodbyes were made. The moment my truck began pulling out to get underway, the guy I had gotten a room from in my new city called to inform me that he decided to rent to someone else. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - Australia - Perth

Today, I finally sorted out my health insurance and went to the doctor. After seeing my X-rays and confirming I still had scoliosis, he also confirmed arthritis in both hips, 2 exploded discs and that I have "the back of a 50 year-old." I'm 24. FML

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By spitball101 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years finally proposed to me at the park we first met in. As I was about to say yes, a huge fly flew straight into my mouth. I ruined the moment by choking on it and eventually spitting it out on him. I think he's rethinking the proposal. FML

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By period_probs - United States - King George

Today, my mom told me how lucky I was to inherit her "asymptomatic" periods. It's true, I don't get cramps, bloating or mood swings with my periods. Nope, just excruciatingly painful diarrhea. Thanks, mom. FML

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By Paicked - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blacksburg

Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML

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By DonPedro - United States

Today, I took a crap at work. When I go to flush the toilet, it clogs and begins to overflow. I leave the bathroom the way it is and as I walk out, my boss comes in. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, my mom let me stay home from school, because I was sick. We both agreed not to tell my dad, since he's adamant that I never miss even one day of school. A few hours after my mom left for work, he came back home, with another woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 08:01 - Canada

Leave me alone

Today, my brother turned into a fanatical vegan, and while I was eating my scrambled eggs, sat across from me glaring and whispering, "fried embryo, amniotic fluid" the entire time. I have a feeling i'll be eating most of my meals in my room from now on. FML

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By 6boss - France

Today, in art class, everybody was showing the paintings that we have been working on for weeks. Everyone was cheering and clapping. When mine came up, nobody clapped. FML

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By TheEnglishOne - United States

Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML

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By Brad - 5/7/2020 20:01

Home invasion

Today, I woke up and got out of my room to find two pit bulls viciously tearing up my couch. I have never owned a dog and I live alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to give my virginity to my boyfriend of four months, because I told him I loved him. Two minutes after he'd pulled out, he grabs his cell and mass texts "I FINALLY GOT LAID!". FML

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By Myriam - Maldives - Male

Today, my husband recorded me getting out of bed and sleepwalking all the way into the backyard and straight into our pool. He was too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to help me out. FML

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By mike - United States

Today, I was over my grandparents' house for my grandfather's birthday. For years they would talk to each other in Italian and I could never understand them, so I started to take an online class to teach myself Italian. Now I know all they talk about is how much they hate everything about me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stourport

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

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By Jen1444 - United States - Rockaway Park

Ouch.

Today, I gave a financial presentation to my entire firm. After it was over, somebody accidentally copied me on a group text that said, "Her zipper was open the whole time. If we're so successful, why is our CFO wearing a urine-stained store-brand K-Mart panties?" FML

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By zzzgrady - United States

Today, after having the worst night of my life, my boss chewing me out and acid reflux all morning, I went to the snack machine at work to get the only thing that makes me happy, Reese's PB cups. I had just enough money to buy the very last one in the machine, and it got stuck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Swartz Creek

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I cheekily told him about something I'd read that's supposed to feel really good during sex. I then heard his sister sarcastically say, "Yeah, that does feel pretty good". Apparently he'd had me on speaker the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while stocking shelves with canned goods, a kid no older than ten ran down the aisle, knocking down everything in his path. He was followed by his mother who was laughing hysterically. FML

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By poorgary - France

Today, it's my birthday. It's 6.30 pm. I'm still the only person aware of what day it is. FML

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By fartz - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 20:01

It's good to learn!

Today, I’m living in China and I asked my native boyfriend to read me the names of all the different goods at the bakery, so I can do more than just point next time. I realized why he doesn’t see the point, when he translated : "Bread, bread, bread, bread and… bread." FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. She's pregnant. I'm a virgin. FML

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By whywouldudothat - 19/4/2020 02:00

Vinted-ed

Today, my mom sold my watch collection on Vinted. I've spent over 15 years on the collection and I don't even live with my mom. I'm still wondering how she got in. FML

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By authorsubmit - United States

Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML

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Today, I saw my little brother drink from the milk carton, gag, and spit the milk back in. FML

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By shakyhands - United States

Today, my dad was stupid enough to think that the kitchen sink is a good place to clean a gas tank. Now, the whole house smells of gas fumes and I'm about to pass out. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

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By HeadStillHurts

Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML

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By krh14 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Albany

Today, I was running late for school and accidentally ran a red light and got pulled over. I couldn't find the registration and was freaking out, when the cop told me that he wouldn't give me a ticket if he could give me some advice. His advice? Don't wear your shirt inside-out. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Gennep

Today, I was in a hot tub at a public sauna. After chatting with a friendly couple, I decided to go get some lunch. I was halfway out of the water when the man started laughing and said he'd thought I was a woman. I am. FML

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By GetMoney - United States

Today, I realized that 6 months ago I signed up for a 3 day trial for a porn website that turns into a $30 membership after 3 days. I completely forgot the day after and never viewed it. I've spent $180 so far. And I can't remember my password. FML

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By wellokaythen - Canada - Brampton

Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML

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By Potential Bridezilla - United Arab Emirates

Today, a week after my fiancé and I got engaged, his mother is already complaining that she isn't involved enough in the wedding arrangements. We haven't even set a date yet. FML

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By ccc - United States

Today, a cab driver had to sign me out of the emergency room because I didn't know who else to call. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend who is married with children. His wife found my number on his phone and thinks that I am my sister. Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a 'prostitute' each time. FML

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Top comments

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7537063 - Sunday 3 September 2017 16:15

Take them out for a while. When he doesn't get the same reaction the next few times, he should hopefully quit it. We all hope to HEAR how that goes! (Sorry I couldn't help it)

By signekrogjensen | 16

#7537106 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:11

You should film it

COMMENTS

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7537063 - Sunday 3 September 2017 16:15

Take them out for a while. When he doesn't get the same reaction the next few times, he should hopefully quit it. We all hope to HEAR how that goes! (Sorry I couldn't help it)

By signekrogjensen | 16

#7537106 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:11

You should film it

By Talented73 | 54

#7537109 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:24

Hopefully, his bark is worse than his bite.

By Talented73 | 54

#7537110 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:26

Use a rolled up newspaper. Maybe he will realize he is barking up the wrong tree.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7537111 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:30

When he does that, you need to yell, “No!,” smack him, then go change your pants.

You can’t reprimand a dog AFTER you’ve changed your soiled undergarments.

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7537126 - Sunday 3 September 2017 21:32

And we believe that an old dog can't learn new tricks.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7537132 - Sunday 3 September 2017 21:52

This is actually hilarious to picture.

By davecross | 11

#7537192 - Monday 4 September 2017 1:40

You have the smartest dog every

davecross | 11

#7537194 - Monday 4 September 2017 1:41

Ever!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7537226 - Monday 4 September 2017 6:24

It's payback for all the times you fake throw the ball/stick.

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7537241 - Monday 4 September 2017 8:21

HEY HOOMAN CAN U HEAR ME?!!? U CAN! KTHXBYE