Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years....

By newlyneurotic - 3/9/2017 07:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML

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Animals

Proactive

Banished

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 14/5/2010 23:19 - Canada

Today, I tripped in front of my graduation class of 225 and all of their relatives while receiving my diploma. FML

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By ally - 3/2/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy that I just met, and when I thought he was about to orgasm, he actually had an asthma attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2013 06:13 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I waited over an hour for my bus. As I finally saw it approaching, I reached into my purse to grab my ticket. The lady next to me then gave the driver a hand signal to keep driving. FML

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By oreosaretoocool - 5/12/2016 19:10 - United Kingdom - Cardenden

Today, I finally gave my mum an expensive designer dress I spent months saving to buy for her as she had been very depressed. However she has gained so much weight from stress eating she ripped it when trying to put it on, and now won't talk to me because, "I wanted to make her feel fat". FML

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By Cass - 29/3/2012 02:03 - Australia

Today, I got the feeling that my phone smelt of cigarettes and B.O. I smelt it, realised that it was my hands that smelt, then got confused and thought maybe it was my nose piercing that smelt. I then realised my psychology class was watching me trying to smell my own nose. FML

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By victimboi - 5/6/2009 19:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a taxi home from work. Only having notes in my wallet, I told the taxi driver that I'd run inside my house and come back out with the change for the journey. He agreed, but only if I left my bag as collateral. It seemed fair. An hour later, I realized my wallet was missing. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2020 03:00 - United States - Silver Spring

Birthday gift

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to bring my obnoxious ex to my birthday party. FML

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By Hannah - 13/6/2013 16:19 - Australia - Caulfield North

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML

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By oops - 27/9/2015 02:24 - Australia - Cheltenham

Today, I got confused and said grace before brushing my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2017 20:42

Today, I came home to yet another kitten. My girlfriend swore to me this would never happen again. When I reminded her of her promise, she told me the kitten will be staying, and she wants me to move out. FML

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By skipperpop - 11/8/2016 22:24 - United States - Ames

Today, after work, I was saying goodbye to my last remaining friend I worked with because she was going to be leaving for college. My manager saw me talking and made me clock back in and work because "If you have time to talk, you have time to work." FML.

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By Hannah - 1/3/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, I got excited because I found a chat line for teens who are dealing with depression. I signed up and was about to enter the chat room and then a message popped up that said ''Sorry this is only available for teens in the United Kingdom.'' FML

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By smf_ds - 31/7/2015 20:48 - Portugal - Rebordosa

Today, I witnessed my dad spreading his ass cheeks to show my mom the rashes his hemorrhoids are giving him. FML

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By RIP - 8/11/2019 08:00 - United States - Lambertville

Troublemaker

Today at 10:00 pm, someone rang my doorbell 4 times, while I was sleeping. I thought it was an emergency and I opened the door to my neighbor who just want to ask if I had a blackout at noon. FML

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By WellShit - 4/1/2013 02:19 - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

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By anon - 5/12/2014 15:44 - United States - Georgetown

Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML

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By BMTH2296 - 21/3/2014 23:42 - United States

Today, I realized how sad my life is when for my 18th birthday, I went to a strip club, by myself, in GTA V. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 13:30

Today, in addition to having to deal with chronic pain that keeps me from driving for more than 10 minutes, I now have to deal with my brother who thinks I'm not paying him enough for taking me to school 2 days a week, when he does the journeys for himself anyway. FML

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By tryingatkins - 21/8/2009 09:27 - United States

Today, I was on the elevator going up to a meeting, and the elevator was getting more and more crowded as we went up. After about ten people got on, they all agreed that I should get off the elevator because they thought me being on was exceeding the weight limit. FML

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By iblamethetories - 11/10/2012 17:49 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I had to pay my bus fare in very small change. After carefully counting out coins under the withering glares of a bus-load of people, I quickly slid them into the machine, and somehow ended up jamming it. FML

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By cheated - 6/7/2019 22:03

Today, I found out my "wonderful" boyfriend was recently dumped by another woman, not just after he started stalking her, but after he wrote her a love letter in his own blood. FML

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By ccrex - 5/8/2019 20:00

Today, I put my phone on top the car while putting my daughter in her car seat. Told myself not to forget it. Then I drove away, and it flew off the top of the car on the freeway. It got ran over. FML

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By megamonster99 - 7/11/2016 15:06 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I helped my hoarder grandfather clean out his garage. Not only did I step on a nail, I also slipped in a puddle of used oil that's been sitting out for two years, and broke my nose. He didn't pay me since I wasn't able to finish the job. FML

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By Ashley J. - 1/3/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2012 16:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

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By Mariah Barnes - 24/7/2020 08:01

The bird

Today, I saved a baby bird from the site I work on. It was the runt and did not have any feathers and was neglected by the mother. I took care of it all day at work and planned on taking it to a wildlife reserve after work. Two minutes away from the reserve, we hit a pothole and I dropped it. It died. FML

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By drewB - 12/8/2019 10:00 - United States

Today, it was my first day being home after doing a 4 and a half month hike through the Appalachian Trail. This evening, I stepped out my front door and directly onto a copperhead snake. It thought my leg was tasty, and I went to the ER for the first time in over 20+ years. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 15:42 - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

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By tmac05 - 13/11/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, the waiter farted while I was on a date. My date thought it was me. FML

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By awks - 1/10/2012 12:50 - United States - Stuart

Today, I was going through Facebook photos of a pep rally in the hopes that I'd be in at least one of them. I was in one alright. Pulling out a wedgie. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2012 04:52 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

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By onlyme - 25/10/2012 02:36 - United States

Today, my friend and I were walking home when we saw a patch of wet cement. Taking a page out of every single Disney movie ever made, we wrote our names in it. What Disney movies don't show is when the neighbors tattle on you and you have to pay $500 to get the cement redone. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2010 23:18 - Canada

Today, my friends took me to a strip club for my 25th birthday. I went onstage with 5 dollars in my mouth to tip the dancer. She then took off my belt and pants and spanked me 25 times with the buckle end of the belt. I paid a stripper 5 dollars to whoop my ass. FML

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By ReallyRyan? - 1/9/2018 06:00

Today, my younger brother sat on some poison ivy. He didn't have any symptoms because he's pretty much immune to it. Also today, my boyfriend had to run to the ER because he got poison ivy on his genitalia. I knew they spent way too much time together. FML

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By stonehengeva - 27/7/2015 03:00 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, the drive-thru lady at Taco Bell broke my debit card and tried to hide it by wrapping it in a receipt. FML

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By madisonbubch - 23/9/2014 01:04 - United States - Vine Grove

Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML

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By Ido - 14/6/2016 00:51 - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I announced my engagement on social media. I got more people telling me how stupid I was than any actually congratulating me. FML

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By someone - 1/4/2014 19:21 - United States - Point Pleasant

Today, I resorted to the oldest prank in the book: laxatives in the food. Except it wasn't for a prank, but just a desperate attempt to get my clingy boyfriend to leave me the hell alone. I think I'm going to hell. FML

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By megatron - 16/3/2016 17:04 - United States - Naperville

Today, my roommate decided to go on a group trip instead of paying our water bill. Now I can't shower until next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

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Top comments

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7537063 - Sunday 3 September 2017 16:15

Take them out for a while. When he doesn't get the same reaction the next few times, he should hopefully quit it. We all hope to HEAR how that goes! (Sorry I couldn't help it)

By signekrogjensen | 16

#7537106 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:11

You should film it

COMMENTS

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7537063 - Sunday 3 September 2017 16:15

Take them out for a while. When he doesn't get the same reaction the next few times, he should hopefully quit it. We all hope to HEAR how that goes! (Sorry I couldn't help it)

By signekrogjensen | 16

#7537106 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:11

You should film it

By Talented73 | 54

#7537109 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:24

Hopefully, his bark is worse than his bite.

By Talented73 | 54

#7537110 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:26

Use a rolled up newspaper. Maybe he will realize he is barking up the wrong tree.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7537111 - Sunday 3 September 2017 20:30

When he does that, you need to yell, “No!,” smack him, then go change your pants.

You can’t reprimand a dog AFTER you’ve changed your soiled undergarments.

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7537126 - Sunday 3 September 2017 21:32

And we believe that an old dog can't learn new tricks.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7537132 - Sunday 3 September 2017 21:52

This is actually hilarious to picture.

By davecross | 11

#7537192 - Monday 4 September 2017 1:40

You have the smartest dog every

davecross | 11

#7537194 - Monday 4 September 2017 1:41

Ever!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7537226 - Monday 4 September 2017 6:24

It's payback for all the times you fake throw the ball/stick.

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7537241 - Monday 4 September 2017 8:21

HEY HOOMAN CAN U HEAR ME?!!? U CAN! KTHXBYE