Today, while discussing career prospects with my mom, she suggested that I become a penis puppeteer, because "Let's face it, you play with it 24/7. Why not make a career out of it?" Yeah, thanks. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML
Today, and for my entire childhood, my parents made me play the piano until I gave in and just learned to enjoy it somehow. Now, I actually have an opportunity to play professionally, and what did my parents say? “Don’t bother, musicians hardly ever make good money. Get a real job instead.” FML
Today, my obsession with replying "Your Mom" reached a new level when my anatomy teacher asked what I'd done with my pencil. FML
Today, without thinking, I casually advised my mum that the best way to get the piping nozzle clean is to 'fingerfuck' it. FML
Today, I finally figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life. Too bad my tattoos will prevent me from ever getting hired. Guess you were right, Mom. FML
Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that getting on all fours and barking at my penis for fun in the center of a mall is extremely inappropriate. She thinks otherwise, and promises to do it again. FML
Today, holding my teenager's hand at the hospital, I unfortunately had a front row seat as a nurse manipulated his penis trying to pop a ball bearing out of his urethra. He had been curious to see if it fit. It did. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t pee it out, so off to the hospital we went. FML
Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML
Today, despite me being a master-level carpenter, and my art sells for thousands, I heard my mom telling her snobby friends how embarrassed she is of me because I’m “basically unemployed” and waste my time on “hobby crafts” like a teenage nerd instead of getting “a real job” and finding a wife. FML
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Top comments
Wolstenholme 11
******* awesome mom you've got there.
SamanthaNGoree 10
And now I know what I want to be when I grow up!
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Comments (59)
RoboCunnilingus 23
I think I speak for the rest of the males on FML when I say, "We accept PayPal".
HeartOfLead 24
Curse you thin walls!
Scruggalicious 13
Or you could just be the master debator
Rexington27 7
The training has been handy.
TheDrifter 24
That has to be the funniest way I've seen an fml mom call her son a wanker.
ohhey_di 10
Your mom is ******* amazing
EvilLittleMan 23
Just don't shuffle to much where all you have left is something that resembles a No. 2 pencil.
wowthatissad 9
Is penis puppeteering the same as coochie caressing?
CallMeMcFeelii 14
I caress my poochie all the time. He's real big and furry. He likes to play fetch and..wait. Coochie..? Oh..
trollololulz 2
tie a penis to a string and make it dance-erections are not good for range of movement during preformances and don't make for a happy ending.
DestinysChampion 17
She, uh, really had to bring that up?
woiz 11
moms know their kids better than anyone