Intimacy: Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants....

By ANON - 13/08/2013 23:53 - United States - Sacramento

Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 933

You deserved it 19 100

Intimacy

Mother of the year

Stop talking!

Another great day to be alive

By Anonymous - 26/01/2016 22:22 - Netherlands - Reusel

Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 771

You deserved it 1 747

By bloody - 15/06/2013 08:57 - United States

Today, my fiancé threatened to leave me for "bleeding too damn much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 064

You deserved it 5 060

By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 09:11 - United Kingdom

Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 596

You deserved it 2 856

By meh - 17/01/2018 09:00 - United States - Dublin

Today, after drinking myself to an oblivion, I awoke with a massive hangover. I didn’t want to go to work, but every excuse I came up with in my head screamed of alcoholics. When I arrived, my boss asked me why I was there. It was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 975

You deserved it 4 739

By dream1334 - 02/06/2012 23:28 - United States - East Rockaway

Today, I was at a wedding. After videotaping the ceremony for a few minutes, my memory was full. I went to delete another video. I accidentally played the loudest video I had. No one was looking at the bride or groom anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 132

You deserved it 9 645

By singleagain - 15/05/2012 01:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him that I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 953

You deserved it 42 412

By bathtime - 21/12/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 845

You deserved it 4 191

By meyo555 - 02/06/2011 09:45 - United States

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 211

You deserved it 4 759

By Anonymous - 12/05/2018 01:30

Today, I married my best friend in the whole world at a small romantic venue. By that I mean I married my actual best mate while completely hammered at a drive-through wedding chapel. My fiancée is gonna kill me when she finds out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 263

You deserved it 4 622

By rejectedmidair - 13/11/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I went through with my elaborate plans to propose to my girlfriend with creativity. I took her skydiving and proposed in midair. She rejected. Why? She wanted a more "traditional" proposal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 148

You deserved it 7 030

By longdrive - 14/10/2014 05:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 456

You deserved it 5 124

By shaifox96 - 17/04/2015 03:34 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I received a terrible grade for an essay I worked really hard on. I had two friends, one being an English major, check it over. However, apparently I "clearly didn't use spellcheck" on this essay just like the last one I submitted to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 871

You deserved it 5 650

Noise annoys

By Mystic - 04/09/2021 00:01 - United States - Denver

Today, it’s the fifth day in a row that my mom has vacuumed right outside my room, from 5 to 11 AM. Despite this, I still can’t fall asleep before midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 86

By FitnessFirst - 25/11/2015 00:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I painfully watched my doctor burn a hole in my nail to drain the blood underneath. This is the prescribed treatment for the injury of hammering your thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 094

You deserved it 3 258

By ladylol - 24/11/2012 13:54 - United Kingdom - Towcester

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather play the new Assassin's Creed game or have a night of sex with me. He started crying from indecision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 069

You deserved it 12 460

By newniece - 27/01/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 894

You deserved it 2 532

By facepalm - 05/06/2012 14:48 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I received my first negative feedback on my otherwise flawless eBay record. The woman who bought the item said it wasn't as delicious as she was expecting, so there must be something wrong with it. What was I selling? A new and unopened lipstick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 445

You deserved it 2 332

By Anonymous - 13/03/2012 16:08 - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 871

You deserved it 2 037

By spinner - 01/09/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I was at work. I'm a sign spinner. Lots of other employees shares stories of how they have been flashed by 18 year old hot chicks as they drive by. I got flashed by a 45 year old, 300lbs lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 661

You deserved it 5 431

By lonestar - 03/02/2010 13:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of deleting my texts from my phone because I'm afraid of him finding out about another man in my life. Truth is, I don't have a life outside of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 096

You deserved it 5 679

By unbirthday - 18/07/2011 18:05 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 986

You deserved it 2 933

By JD - 06/02/2010 01:20 - Australia

Today, I was in my drama class and I was standing behind the curtains. My friend accidentally bumped me into the bin that was hidden behind the curtain. Everyone heard me fall and they opened the curtains. My butt was stuck in it and my knees were in front of my face. No one helped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 158

You deserved it 2 910

Big nope

By SquishFish - 10/07/2019 14:05

Today, while working as a masseur, a man requested a foot massage. This wouldn't have been an issue, had he not had at least 20 warts on his feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 874

You deserved it 133

By DisappointedDaughter - 26/06/2019 16:03

Today, I’m counting the things my mother has broken or ruined since I let her move in with me a year ago. So far, the list contains a Christmas tree, my power drill, a toaster oven, inherited kitchen knives, an expensive bath towel set, multiple kitchen gadgets, a flatbed scanner and a laser printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 713

You deserved it 259

By bkay26 - 29/08/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 610

You deserved it 7 540

Denial

By Anonymous - 01/12/2013 06:02 - Norway

Today, during a job interview, I was offered a sandwich. I politely declined, explaining that I'm a coeliac and would probably get very sick. He said coeliac disease "isn't real" and that gluten-free eating is just a fad. I had to leave when he kept pushing me to accept it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 695

You deserved it 3 897

By 2ndgenoration - 17/05/2014 21:56 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my grandmother told me that since my dad was a mistake, I too am a mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 531

You deserved it 4 188

By lawdy - 21/05/2017 20:00

Today, I told my daughter that she's going to be a big sister, because there is a baby growing in my tummy. She's been sobbing because I can't convince her that I didn't eat a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 388

You deserved it 605

By tammy - 15/08/2010 17:24 - France

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 677

You deserved it 4 273

By kbrider - 02/07/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, my husband's rich aunt and uncle came in town and handed us an envelope and said we hope this helps out with the student loans. Inside the envelope was just an article on new student loan procedures and how to get lower payments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 104

You deserved it 9 159

By tbeemcgeebee - 01/08/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 906

You deserved it 33 566

By Anonymous - 22/09/2009 16:27 - United States

Today, I was going to take my boyfriend to Napa. It's my birthday and I wanted to do something big since last year my fiancée called off the wedding. My boyfriend just broke up with me because I'm "clearly not over" my ex. This makes two consecutive birthdays alone in romantic hotels I paid for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 342

You deserved it 6 062

By stupid - 07/07/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 669

You deserved it 61 186

By 20singleandproudish - 23/10/2014 05:18 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 716

You deserved it 3 706

By nocakeforyou! - 15/03/2011 13:11

Today, I came home to my drunk husband, to find that he raided our fridge and freezer to soothe his beer munchies. That would have been fine, had he not eaten the top tier of our wedding cake I'd been saving to eat on our first wedding anniversary, which is in 4 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 130

You deserved it 14 033

By damgoose - 15/06/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 841

You deserved it 62 134

By Happyforeverx - 25/10/2009 15:30 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I kept restarting my internet, wondering why I wasn't receiving any messages from my friends. Then I realized they were all ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 223

You deserved it 8 743

By desperate - 26/09/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 024

You deserved it 52 111

By wooowmom - 05/06/2011 01:10 - Canada

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 535

You deserved it 10 678

Do as I say…

By Anonymous - 25/08/2020 02:08 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my mother woke up again in a bad mood due to the quarantine and went off on how us siblings complain about each other all the time. Truth is, she's the one complaining non stop about whichever sibling is not in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 312

You deserved it 106

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Top comments

agentaquamarine 4

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:52

talk about ear-otic

ghostlilac 25

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:47

Andy Samberg? Is that you?

cynide 13

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:46

DA Fuq did I just read?

HowAreYouToday 34

Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:48

Well... I believe its something called 'words.' They're arranged in 'sentences.'

babyshanice 12

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 9:03

Yea I don't know how much English they know with the first two words of that sentence.

TheCanucklehead 22

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 9:05

#1 I think we're all thinking the same thing..this is just creepy

Wolvander88 19

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 9:06

Anybody watch The Intouchables? The ears are the last erogenous zones left for a tetraplegic. Makes sense.

PinkieKeen 20

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 9:43

Well cleaning your ears can feel pretty good, but wtf ._.

ViRepz 28

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 10:12

How did this not get moderated away?

Arkana_fml 14

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:46

Wtf??? Are you serious ._______.

JoeGrant 12

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:51

Nope, he's kidding.

Banyes 7

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:47

wowowowo

ywolfgl 21

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:47

Can this even happen?

ryan4723 18

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 9:21

Apparently it did happen..

ViRepz 28

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 10:13

The OP is probably leaving out where his other hand was...

ghostlilac 25

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:47

Andy Samberg? Is that you?

lochiamochia 25

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:49

"Cleaning out my ears with a Q-tip, .... I just jizzed in my pants...."

Trix_Disorder 20

Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:59

Yep, that sure was the reference.

revan546 24

Wednesday 14 August 2013 14:35

Well... That escalated quickly!

J1bbl3 3

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 19:54

No... It didn't... In fact there was zero escalation in those above comments.

Syncronisis 11

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Thursday 15 August 2013 4:33

This is the true form of EARGASM

SomeRandomGuy15 18

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Thursday 15 August 2013 6:37

75- Well, that didn't escalate at all!

oh_merde 11

Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:48

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

neeni88 23

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 9:19

Is that supposed to deter OP from doing it? Cause if an orgasm is the punishment for sticking Q-tips in your ear, then I wouldn't mind being bad!

Dusty_Busters 15

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 12:41

I don't think his ears are "down there"

speakersboom 19

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Monday 25 November 2013 6:31

ew!

symfora 17

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:48

I know that this can feel good, but this good? Really?

nurchok 15

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 19:58

Yes, ears have lots of nerve ends (probably more than a dickhead and a clitoris combined) so some people may get orgasm out of it, provided the rights ones were stimulated at the right time...

DividableByZero 11

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 20:16

Where do you get your information 107? The creepy ice cream van driver?

Capt_Oblivious 10

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:49

Sounds like you cleaned more than your ears out.

skyeyez9 24

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 16:17

He emptied his balls as well.

alicespoons 17

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:39

That's the joke.

glamorous18 10

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:51

cleaning out my ears, yeah they're gettin' squeaky clean, I'm cleaning out the other & I, JIZZ IN MY PANTS!!!!!!!!

agentaquamarine 4

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:52

talk about ear-otic

Dusty_Busters 15

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 12:42

Well done!

zen1979 16

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 13:55

You win the Internet today. Lol

speakersboom 19

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Monday 25 November 2013 6:32

I just fell in love with that pun.

Conner Dalbeck 15

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Tuesday 21 November 2017 3:07

I have one question... would you like amm or fmm

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 9

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 16

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 1 999

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 190

Noise annoys

Big nope

Denial

Do as I say…

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