Today, I was at my grandma's funeral. While giving the eulogy,...

By familyhatesme - 18/7/2014 16:30 - United States - Kingston

Today, I was at my grandma's funeral. While giving the eulogy, I accidentally mixed up "You will be missed" and "You won't be forgotten" and instead said "You won't be missed." FML

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Miscellaneous

Trip Advisor says no

Workaholic

Alternative medicine is bull

By nametag - 9/6/2009 02:07 - Canada

Today, I finally got my nametag. I had been using other people's names like Maria and Caie for a week, so I was happy to be called my own name. I put it on and got to work. Ten minutes later, I was called into the office. I got laid off. I got to wear my nametag for 10 minutes. FML

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By doggybag - 24/9/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, I was walking my dogs. I had a doggy bag, and was holding it closed, then breathing in it, so it would blow up. My dogs 'went', so I picked it up and kept walking. As I was heading home, I absent-mindedly started blowing into the bag again. Everything ended up in my mouth and on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2013 15:28 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my husband and I finally agreed on something: marriage counseling. FML

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By gotta love my momma - 28/8/2014 05:08 - United States - Folsom

Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML

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By fmyactuallife - 3/5/2020 08:00

Sludge factory

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

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By Home owner. - 16/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was touring a house I’m interested in when one of the two realtors stepped out for a minute and never came back. My purse was stolen from my car. FML

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By Mudge - 25/2/2016 22:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend said that his dad told him we couldn't hang out anymore, he thinks I'm a bad influence because I don't have all 90's in my classes. The only reason he knows I have below a 90 is because he's my geography teacher. I have an 87. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 14:01

Light day

Today, on my 16th birthday, my lightly worn jeans split while I was at school. I attempted to fix them with staples, but I have a metal allergy. So I took my driving exam with a rash on my butt and staples digging in, in a car that had no AC. FML

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By Rumpkis - 5/12/2011 01:30 - United States

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

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By Insomnia - 16/2/2019 00:00

Today, while trying to sleep after a night shift, workers came to hook up city sewage service, firing up drills and shouting. An hour later, my child woke me up to tattle on her sister. Just as I was drifting to sleep yet again, the smoke alarm battery started chirping. I give up. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2017 07:00 - Canada - Sudbury

If it's brown, let it float around.

Today, for the millionth time, I walked into a complete smellhole of a bathroom, because my almost ten-year-old sister not only never flushes, but she doesn't wipe either. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2012 23:16 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I had my boss over for dinner. Knowing that I was angling for a promotion, my fifteen-year-old son spent the dinner uttering lines such as "What's the point of showering before bed?" and "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." My boss was not impressed. FML

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By missalexa - 3/8/2010 18:13 - United States

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

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By nemo518 - 23/12/2010 06:36 - Canada

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

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By jcesom - 29/7/2009 05:53 - United States

Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML

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By socks - 21/9/2011 07:01 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a woman I didn't know that my husband was killed overseas. She replied, "I know exactly how you feel, my dog died last month." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2012 16:28 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I faked a sore throat for the school nurse so I could go home early. It took my dad the rest of the school day just to get there to pick me up. FML

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By say dump him and i'll kill you - 29/12/2012 00:50 - United Kingdom - Soham

Today, proving that there's no limit to the stupid shit people will do, my husband called me from hospital, needing a lift home. He tried planking on top of his car while his buddies sped it down a hill, and I now have to take care of him while his broken leg heals. FML

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By Thisismylife - 26/1/2015 06:55 - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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By JAY22 - 26/3/2009 11:41 - United States

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

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By idk - 28/5/2014 03:23 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I saw the hottest nurse ever. Too bad he was pulling out a piece of wax the size of a raisin from my blocked ear. FML

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By nrelavender - 26/5/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, is the anniversary of my cat's death, so I went to visit her grave in the pet cemetery. Someone had spray-painted "Your cat sucks" on her grave. FML

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By sailinggsoul - 2/8/2019 00:01

Today, I bought a box of tampons and went to the store restroom to insert one. I then put the box inside my purse. On my way out, I got stopped by security, who yelled at me to empty my purse. He grabbed my bag, spilling the tampons everywhere. Apparently, he thought I was stealing. FML

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By Joe - 25/2/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted "I'm going to kill you and use your head as hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML

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By stuckwithafamilyofcunts - 27/4/2013 20:23 - Spain - El Puig

Today, my little brother gave me an open jar of peanut butter for my birthday. I'm deathly allergic, and he knows it. Despite his maniacal grin and snickering, my parents said it was an innocent mistake, and grounded me for yelling at him. FML

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By Shady_Soldier - 31/10/2013 08:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML

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By soomeone - 16/2/2010 19:28 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. I started putting my arm around her, when I hit her in the face. FML

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By pwib - 18/3/2012 07:07 - United States - Napa

Today, a bunch of my friends have been accepted to various colleges while I've been denied to the past 5. To cheer me up, my mom drove me to McDonald's. While we were in the drive-thru, she asked them if they had any job openings. FML

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By Not-pregnant - 20/4/2014 17:21 - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

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By facepalm - 22/7/2013 20:19 - United States

Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML

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By SNBBFF - 25/10/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

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By hopeless - 14/2/2015 20:04 - Canada - Halifax

Today, my girlfriend berated me for my "lack of communication skills", all while deeply engrossed with something on her phone. FML

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By pampa31 - 14/12/2015 17:21 - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, while I was driving, there was a high speed car chase. The runaway managed to avoid my car but the police didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I was playing ball with my student during recess. My first attempt at throwing the ball hit him in the head. My second attempt hit him in the crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2015 09:58 - United States - Asheville

Today, at work, my vindictive, cheating ex made me clean and inspect her new wedding ring. FML

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By A.W - 24/6/2012 13:57 - United States

Today, I received an acceptance letter to Juilliard. After showing it to my mom, she tells me I can't attend because Robin Williams graduated from Juilliard, and he now has too much facial hair. FML

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By Loner - 19/9/2017 19:30 - United States - Paramus

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 10:32 - United States

Today, I was insulted online by a teenager who said that I was probably a fat loser that still lives with their mother and a couple of cats. They were right. FML

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By John Doe - 29/1/2015 17:01 - United States - Columbia

Today, my parents continue comparing me to my "perfect" friend. He smokes dope, is a compulsive thief, and has gone to juvie numerous times. I'm passing school with flying colors and have never been in any trouble with the law. Apparently I should be more like him. FML

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By Noname - 10/3/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#6011660 - Friday 18 July 2014 22:00

"You won't be missed...because you're still here with us in spirit."

There. All fixed.

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6011658 - Friday 18 July 2014 21:59

I accidentally said "chanks" to an asian customer the other day instead of "cheers" and "thanks". It's easily done!

COMMENTS

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6011658 - Friday 18 July 2014 21:59

I accidentally said "chanks" to an asian customer the other day instead of "cheers" and "thanks". It's easily done!

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6011732 - Friday 18 July 2014 23:21

Yep, a lot of people get tongue tied at times. Usually people understand.
That said based on the username, this sounds like an "If looks could kill" situation.

cakefete2 | 30

#6011764 - Friday 18 July 2014 23:58

Wow. You messed that word up badly. Thanks for the laughs. I needed a good chuckle.

cakefete2 | 30

#6011785 - Saturday 19 July 2014 0:08

I just googled eugoogly. Missed the Zoolander reference. Still made me laugh though, so well done.

xSPEECHLESS | 10

#6011980 - Saturday 19 July 2014 4:54

Why don't you make this into an fml?

By wvni | 13

#6011659 - Friday 18 July 2014 22:00

That sound awful, but "You will be forgotten" sounds worse. YLS, but it could have been worse.

By DocBastard | 38

#6011660 - Friday 18 July 2014 22:00

"You won't be missed...because you're still here with us in spirit."

There. All fixed.

Welshite | 39

#6011664 - Friday 18 July 2014 22:01

Now that's just asking to be haunted, Doc. I'm sure you don't want Gran to end up in the Ghostbusters' vacuum cleaner because she won't stop telling you to clean your room.