Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML
Today, my mom told me that I'll never get married if my cooking skills don't improve. My boyfriend agrees. FML
Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML
Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML
Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML
Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML
Today, I found out that my extremely-flat chested cousin recently got a boob job. When my mom found out, she said "Oh that's great! They look so good!". Then she looks at me and tells me that I should get one. Everyone including my own mother thinks I should get a boob job. FML
Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML
Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML
Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML
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Top comments
Malika_fml 0
wise man
Luckster 0
He's old enough to where his sexist remarks make sense. 70 years younger and I woulda bitch slapped him with my metal-decorated bike gloves on.
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Comments (189)
atvarela 0
i absolutely agree with this old man.. saying that all a woman needs to succeed is a pimp, a cookbook, and a boobjob is the most valid statement ever said.. the pimp will give you your multiple orgasms, the cookbook will help with your sandwhich making skills, and also maybe help you satisfy your pimp in bed, with something like a pourtugese breakfast, and the boobjob,? it means that you don't have to get a real job, you already have a nice boobjob (and perhaps be pretty decent at your ******* and handjob)
ILoveAsianGirls 0
my girl doesn't need a cook book... because i cook better than any hoe that i will end up with. but a boob job would be nice. ;)
DarkJoy_fml 5
Happy to see that you respect your "hoe." :)
Jakester 0
hmm well you could dress up like rachel ray (plus the boobs you could make fake ones yourself) and cook like her so finding a boyfriend would come easy :D perfecto!!
suckmywangchong 0
make my dinner
AlwaysRejected 0
Well, if you learn to cook and get a boob job, the boyfriend comes naturally
Ninjaface 0
Darn it, plexico stole my comment. I guess that's what I get for only checking FML on my phone in the middle of the night when I should be going to sleep; I don't exactly get one of the first comments.
panicked 0
Someone reads MLIA. http://mylifeisaverage.com/story.php?id=914025 Read MoonShoesPotter's comment (replying to BandGeekLove's comment)
null_fml 11
Dude. The FML came first by many hours. MoonShoesPotter even admitted it. BEFORE you posted your comment there (and this one here) saying that FML stole it from MLIA. At least read timestamps and/or replies before making dumb accusations.
Mx_Rider 6
that guy is epic!
AntiChrist7 0
YDI for caring what a senile person said
Cristaderzi 0
Well he is sadly mostly right lol