Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML
Today, my mom told me that I'll never get married if my cooking skills don't improve. My boyfriend agrees. FML
Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML
Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML
Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML
Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML
Today, I found out that my extremely-flat chested cousin recently got a boob job. When my mom found out, she said "Oh that's great! They look so good!". Then she looks at me and tells me that I should get one. Everyone including my own mother thinks I should get a boob job. FML
Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML
Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML
Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML
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Top comments
Malika_fml 0
wise man
Luckster 0
He's old enough to where his sexist remarks make sense. 70 years younger and I woulda bitch slapped him with my metal-decorated bike gloves on.
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Comments (189)
Erickchimp10 2
why are the numbers all scatered around and not in order?
SS_Anon 0
that man is made by wisdom and win, now all i have to do is post this on ED
cynicallysenecal 0
With old age comes wisdom.
DeathShad0 1
Where have you been Erickchimp? Under a rock?
BlueberryPies 0
Oh honey. You have much MUCH to learn. Let's start by explaining everything that was wrong with your loaded statements, shall we? First off, marrying into money does not appeal to everyone. Plenty of people, men & women alike, have aspirations, passions, and dreams in life. Perhaps your only aspiration is to substantiate your laziness by marrying someone rich so that you can continue to eat pizza & play Halo all day, and if so then that's great for you! But some people want make their own cash, be self-sufficient, and realize their passions. Also, not everyone wants to get married, so having a well-paying career & standing on your own two feet is ideal for some. Also, your failed attempt at explaining why sexism/profiling/etc. is sometimes "right" was cute. Cute, but not educational, moving, or inspirational. It's true that Muslim men have been at the root of terrorist attacks in the past, but it's impossible & ridiculous to claim that they're the only ones who will do so in the future. One day, an Asian woman just might blow up a major political building, or hijack a plane, & then what happens to your faulty logic? Perhaps you should expand your mind a bit & not be suckered into a "Muslim men & ONLY Muslim men can be terrorists" mindset. This, folks, is an example of profiling that did nothing but to make the one doing the profiling look like a moron. Now, on to your bit about "feminism". Actually, it's shocking AND hilarious how little about feminism you know. The last thing "hardcore feminists" (ah, such gentle words from such a broad mind) want is to marry into money because that just negates the entire purpose of adopting the feminist ideals. What feminism strives for is a world in which women can make their own money, be successful and rich, without having to rely on a man. Also, being rich doesn't necessarily mean being happy, as you so blindly seem to believe. It's wonderful that you'd want to marry a rich woman (hopefully one day you'll find one dumb enough to forgive you your blatant stupidity), but just because that is what you desire doesn't mean other people, men OR women, desire it as well. As a woman, I would much rather keep a good-paying job, make my own fortune, & not become dependent on a man. Women are equal to men & should make the same wages, reach the same heights of success, and be treated with just as much respect. Now, run on back to your banjo & perhaps if you're good your mama will let you milk the cow tomorrow!
FlaminYawn 0
I prefer small boobs, my theory is smaller the boobs, tighter the pussy.
DameGreyWulf 1
You don't want the pussy too tight or it will tear, and that would suck because of three things: You might have to pay. You won't have sex for a while. You'll have a crying chick on your back all the time.
Gefangene 0
....yea, cause that makes complete and logical sense I think I recall learning in anatomy how the size of the breasts and the tightness of a girl's vag are completely dependent upon one another. you're an idiot.
bigcrazymike 6
Sounds like he knows what he's talking about.
Intoxicunt 6
#97: I think I'm in love. Your comment summed up my entire thoughts on the situation perfectly.
Intoxicunt 6
I'm right here. I replied to plexico's comment up there. Go read. I don't get on much these days, but that will change soon enough. And ireply is still here, just not on every FML.
Prendergast 0
I need to meet this guy