Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose... - FML

By mwja - France

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

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Summertime sadness

Reverse psychology

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

By eric - United States

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

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By mrtoolate - India - Pune

Today, after a lifetime of being single, my parents finally found me a nice, intelligent, pretty girl. I was really excited, until she backed out on me when she found out our star signs don't match. FML

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By fedemere - United States

Today, I finally told the girl I've been after for more than a year that I'm attracted to her. Her response? A slight hug with a pat on the back as she said "There, there." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my brother for the first time in 20 years. Everything was going great, until he tried to make out with me. FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, my friends told me they have been able to see all my BDSM likes in their Facebook feeds. My family and coworkers also follow me. FML

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By soupcrackers - 7/10/2020 04:57

Persona non grata

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

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By chacha - United States

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I was fired from the restaurant I work at because I missed my shift. I missed it because I was in the hospital for food poisoning from the meal I ate at work last night. FML

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By daRN - Bahrain

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went bowling with my mom and she paid for 2 games. By the 6th frame of game 1 she was bored and to get her money back for both games she told the employees I shit my pants. I'm 17. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newton Center

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

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By semischweet - United Kingdom - London

Today, I learned why you should never to use Sean Connery's voice when asking your girlfriend to sit on your face. FML

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By Jenna - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my dad was driving me home and was angrily explaining how my boyfriend was a bad influence and that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd. After finally convincing him to give him another chance, we stopped at a traffic light just in time to see my boyfriend being chased by police. FML

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By today

Today, I put on some goggles on in the pool, only to go underwater and see an old man "discreetly" jerking it. FML

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By jlmbull - United States - Lansing

Today, I had to wait thirty minutes after closing to check out a lady who was purchasing 20 different styles of curtains. I asked what she would be doing with them all, and she replied that she would be bringing 19 of them back tomorrow, as she didn't know which would match. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

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By Melaknee - United States

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

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By dumpedovergame - United States

Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML

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By anti88 - United States

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

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By GasAttack - Canada

Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML

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By tommyboy783 - United States

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

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By Shampoodle

Today, I found out that my mom uses my incredibly expensive conditioner to wash her two dogs every single weekend. No wonder they smell so good. FML

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By Jes

Today, my father called me to ask what my middle name is. He apparently needed to know it to remove me out from his will. FML

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By danyelicindereli - United States

Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

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By PoachedFish - Lebanon

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

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By Cameron

Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML

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By anon - United States - Atlanta

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long, heartfelt message this morning. Her response? "What do you need? Or is this even really you?" FML

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By Halloween Fail - United States - Braidwood

Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed in Charlie Brown's ghost costume, a white sheet with holes all over. I got beat up for dressing like a member of the KKK. FML

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By 303 - United States - Houston

Today, I picked up my car from the repair shop, drove two miles, and ran out of gas. I then walked to get gas, put a gallon of gas in the car, and tried to start it. The battery was too weak to start the car, and died on the spot. FML

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By whathehell - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking through a rough part of town, when a woman screamed that I'd stolen her bag. I was tackled to the ground by a large guy, who then gave my bag to her. FML

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By echo - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I offered my friend $150 to drop my girl and me off for at the airport. He's poor, so I try to help him out by paying for rides. My girl being with me, I asked him not to smoke weed while driving. He turned down the job because he needs a minimum of two blunts for the trip. FML

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By WittyMoron - 8/1/2020 01:00 - United Kingdom

Shooting!

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

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By jtaylor94 - Canada

Today, my dad's boss called our house and I answered. He said "is your dad home?" I replied "I'll go check." I put the phone on mute and asked my dad if he wanted to talk to his boss. My dad says "Does that asshole not have a life?" Turns out the phone wasn't on mute, it was on speaker. FML

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By Syd - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By soldierboy - United States

Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML

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By mother teresa was a cunt - United States - Cleveland

Today, I baked some brownies and after my mom ate one, I joked that I put weed in them. Turns out the placebo effect's a bitch, because she quickly started acting high as a kite. One bitch fit later, the brownies are in the trash and I'm grounded until I tell her where I bought the "weed". FML

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By MommaAnnie - United States - Overland Park

Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML

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By sad - United States

Today, after the firetruck and EMS came to my house for an emergency, I realized that not all firefighters looked like the ones in my calendar. This depressed me more than the emergency. FML

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By SillyScotsman - United Kingdom - Hamilton

Today, I was eating an ice cream cone, when I felt something drop onto my bottom lip. Assuming it was a piece of ice cream, I quickly pulled it into my mouth. After a sharp sting to my tongue, I spat it out. It was a bee. FML

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By eyes wide SHIT - Australia

Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML

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Top comments

By SirEBC | 7

#2126852 - Sunday 27 February 2011 3:22

I feel like there should be a "*Takes off sunglasses*" before the last sentence.

By KaySL | 24

#2126722 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:21

I know, right? I actually shat my asshole out after eating chipotle for the first time, but I could never give that shit up, son. I'm a proud member of the Eric Cartman Society of Chipotle Lovers. Werd.

COMMENTS

By SarahStarzz | 0

#2126650 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:06

haha YDI :P

By MsSoulReaper | 27

#2126652 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:06

That sucks OP but you'll be alright :P no worries!

By Hal0kittyable | 0

#2126657 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:06

Ouch...maybe you shouldn't eat that anymore...

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2126708 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:17

Give up good food because of a bloody nose?! I think nott.

Reply

philpip | 7

#2126711 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:20

Nicely worded! ;D

Reply

KaySL | 24

#2126722 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:21

I know, right? I actually shat my asshole out after eating chipotle for the first time, but I could never give that shit up, son. I'm a proud member of the Eric Cartman Society of Chipotle Lovers. Werd.

Reply

TheWazBe | 0

#2127426 - Sunday 27 February 2011 7:27

I actually shat my asshole out?
Is that correct? Just wondering.

Reply

Adamantoise | 0

#2127636 - Sunday 27 February 2011 9:04

Maybe it wasn't the food. A spontaneous nose bleed, perhaps.

Reply

insanesna1l | 0

#2128177 - Sunday 27 February 2011 11:38

nose bleeds can be caused by spicy foods or exertion during exercise

Reply

crazytoaster | 2

#2128402 - Sunday 27 February 2011 13:10

Dibbs on 'A Fountain of Blood' as a band name!

Reply

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2129067 - Sunday 27 February 2011 14:00

10 - How much weight did you lose after you shat your asshole out?

Reply

devilcb | 5

#2132940 - Monday 28 February 2011 13:37

that's why you don't snort ramen

Reply

OtakuKev | 7

#5767467 - Monday 25 November 2013 10:08

Oh please, it wasn't the noodles that gave him the nose bleed, he just happened to see something perverted whilst eating those noodles xD

By piiing | 0

#2126685 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:12

take pics, bloody pics are hot.

Reply

Jammy01jams | 2

#2127110 - Sunday 27 February 2011 5:21

uuhh WTF is wrong with you?

Reply

Taz_the_Spaz | 0

#2127446 - Sunday 27 February 2011 7:35

No, what is wrong with you?!? Everyone gets turnee on by bloody pics.

Reply

milakitty21 | 0

#2127569 - Sunday 27 February 2011 8:26

actually I'm more turned on by your icon picture.

Reply

ComTlancy | 12

#2128930 - Sunday 27 February 2011 13:20

are you referencing that FML about the guy what had a blood nose, dripped his blood onto a knife, took photos of it and now has to see the school shrink?

if yes, nicely done.

By you_failed | 15

#2126691 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:13

Oooh that sounds lovely! :)
Just kidding but that's not good. :| FYL OP.

By drzhottie148 | 0

#2126693 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:13

Trying to add a diffrent taste to it huh

By rlet | 1

#2126714 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:21

thats crazy what did u do with the bowl?? eat the noodles or hit your nose with it lol

By xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2126724 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:24

that's revolting...

By sarabraun8 | 7

#2126768 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:42

gotta get that checked out

Reply

FMLPanda89 | 0

#2127298 - Sunday 27 February 2011 6:33

what if it's a STD. :O

Reply

creamcheese724 | 0

#2127485 - Sunday 27 February 2011 7:49

he has herpes..herpes hates hot food

Reply

randomaccess745 | 0

#2127490 - Sunday 27 February 2011 7:52

tell that to science! maybe the cure for herpes is jalepeños. you should test this by pouring hot sauce on your genitals.

Reply

Suchagoonnn | 4

#2127824 - Sunday 27 February 2011 9:40

that would feel... warm. hot sauce doesnt burn your cock dude

By odexy | 12

#2126781 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:46

Your life is fucked because you got a nose bleed? Sure.

Reply

afdude87 | 6

#2127053 - Sunday 27 February 2011 5:00

I was thinkin the same thing..