Health: Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose... - FML

By mwja - 26/02/2011 22:59 - France

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 468

You deserved it 3 928

Late term

Compromises

Living my best life

By serverdessert - 08/03/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 472

You deserved it 19 249

By Anonymous - 02/02/2011 07:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I was pissed that I got a £60 parking ticket so rang my friend to rant about it. I then got pulled over by the cops for using my phone, and was fined £120. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 524

You deserved it 70 859

By Princess - 28/05/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my cell phone service was interrupted because I owed the company 27 cents. It cost 36 dollars to reinstate my service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 065

You deserved it 11 229

By alikat - 26/04/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I found out that the noise I thought was a mouse in my room was a water bottle shaking when my refrigerator turned on. I stayed up till 4am looking for a mouse that didn't exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 170

You deserved it 44 474

By Anonymous - 12/05/2018 19:00

Today, according to my girlfriend's instant messenger, which she left open on my laptop, I am her rough shag on the side while she searches for a guy who is husband material that her parents will approve of. I guess the engagement ring in my bag is going back to the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 196

You deserved it 293

Great comparaison, dude

By Betrayed - 14/10/2021 22:59

Today, my fiancé called off our engagement when my doctor told me that I was infertile. Apparently, I’m now “useless” to him. When I mentioned adoption, he basically compared it to suggesting Pepsi when you want Coke. Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 930

You deserved it 134

By EconM - 03/10/2013 15:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 123

You deserved it 5 326

By gkid92 - 16/08/2011 16:16 - Canada

Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 416

You deserved it 42 966

Getting on

By Anonymous - 23/06/2020 17:01

Today, I’m at the stage of my life where a normal bowel movement is practically a cause for celebration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 314

You deserved it 127

By theguy24 - 27/01/2009 12:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 467

You deserved it 8 933

It's the thought that counts…

By Loveandpoetry - 31/05/2011 21:12

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a poem, and left it on the bed with a rose for him to see after work. When I came home later, I noticed the flower in the trash, and the poem had been used as gum wrapper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 836

You deserved it 5 353

By Anonymous - 17/02/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 170

You deserved it 2 587

By PunctureWound - 10/10/2010 00:57 - Canada

Today, we were playing a game at work where whenever someone is in the washroom, we throw a 2 inch lug nut at the door because it makes a huge bang and scares whoever is in there. I was just opening the door to exit when someone threw the nut. It hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 755

You deserved it 28 677

By secretdeo - 24/08/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 389

You deserved it 5 329

By roberto - 12/11/2010 23:48 - Brazil

Spicy

Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 640

You deserved it 7 353

By aru9 - 12/09/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I met an old friend from high school and his hot girlfriend. I jokingly said she must be blind to go out with him. His response: "Yeah, she is." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 202

You deserved it 36 926

By yuuupyup - 18/04/2012 00:55 - United States - Somerset

Today, while driving home, I realized I forgot my house key. Luckily, when I arrived home, someone had already broken into my house. Guess I didn't need the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 364

You deserved it 2 032

By toe - 03/02/2015 03:14 - United States - Sullivan

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 559

You deserved it 44 956

By Dunzo15 - 02/05/2009 06:28 - United States

Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 202 021

You deserved it 51 591

By fishwizard - 02/06/2017 20:00

Today, I used a tanning bed at my local gym for the first time. I went in for the full allowed time of 9 minutes. I went to school after and everybody said I looked like Trump. Confused, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My skin is orange and matches with my bleach blonde hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 707

You deserved it 3 871

By mew - 25/10/2011 18:04 - Canada

Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 099

You deserved it 3 214

No thanks, mom

By Anonymous - 08/04/2020 08:00

Today, my crazed and very hormonal pregnant mother told me that I should get pregnant too, so that we can be "preggo buddies." I'm 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 037

You deserved it 112

By BadKneeBackAndSinuses - 23/09/2018 15:30

Today, I found out I have to have an operation. This will be the third in 3 years, all for completely unrelated reasons. I'm only 26 and apparently my body is already falling apart at the seams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 760

You deserved it 129

Stop the steal

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 16:01

Today, my son admitted to maxing out my credit card, gambling on a some scam website that a dumbass streamer was promoting. He's only 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 845

You deserved it 333

By 123_omg - 15/01/2019 14:00

Today, I got a surround sound system from my best friend. I didn't even have it hooked up when the sub woofer fell to the floor and smashed. I don't know if it can be fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 866

You deserved it 359

By potatohead - 01/11/2017 18:00

Today, I had a nasty headache so I tried to take a nap. Unfortunately, my college had a homecoming parade a block away from where I live. I never knew our marching band sounded that awful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 364

You deserved it 276

By leem - 27/08/2014 21:21 - Belgium - Zoersel

Today, as I was driving out of a parking lot, some douchebag yelled at me: "Nice car! Too bad you're so ugly!" It was my friend's car, so I don't even have that going for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 490

You deserved it 3 202

By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 601

You deserved it 45 387

By groom - 20/06/2009 23:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I helped my grandparents carry luggage to their hotel room, where they're staying the night tonight after my wedding reception. Their room is 203. Mine is 201. Their room shares a wall with my honeymoon suite. My grandparents are going to hear me consummate my marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 278

You deserved it 5 989

Unexpected

By Matt988 - 22/03/2021 23:00 - India

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend when I felt her slip her hand into my pants. She then gave me a wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 236

#1 Dad!

By Anonymous - 03/10/2019 04:00 - United States - Boston

Today, I told my fiancé he needed to spend at least one night a week at home with his daughter or we will pack up and leave. He responded by getting a suitcase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 799

You deserved it 317

Suspicious activity

By Anonymous - 20/08/2021 08:01

Today, I pulled to the side of the road to take my medication. A cop claimed he’d seen me circling the area several times and gave me a ticket for kerb crawling. I’d literally just got off the motorway to take my pills. My wife is never going to believe I was innocent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 74

For what occasion

By Single Sally - 01/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Brandon

Today, my boyfriend of five years finally gave me "a ring." Oh no, not an "engagement ring." He gave me a "ring to apologize for sleeping with his married coworker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 429

You deserved it 169

By SJDAOisdjlkSADlksda - 02/07/2016 02:37 - United States

Today, I witnessed my sister use some ice cubes on her blistered toes, then quietly return them to the tray in the fridge. I've been putting ice from there into my drinks for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 776

You deserved it 975

By Anonymous - 24/01/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, a co-worker passed me a note with information about one of our cute, new co-workers I was interested in. Her report? Simple: "Lesbian. Try again. They're EVERYWHERE!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 099

You deserved it 3 648

Oh, the irony

By HassledAirfarer - 07/12/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was on a red-eye flight, and the woman beside me was chattering loudly to her friend. I opened my laptop and got to work. Suddenly, one of the women turned to me and told me that the clicking of my keyboard was too loud. She then called me an "inconsiderate, selfish bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 922

You deserved it 2 427

By notanazigrandchildafterall - 21/09/2015 11:32 - Germany - Leipzig

Today, going through my late grandmother's papers, I found out that my grandfather had never been in the Nazi party. The reason he was not allowed to work as a teacher was that he had never passed his university exams. He found an invented Nazi past less shameful than academic failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 696

You deserved it 1 723

By kanenakid - 27/12/2009 12:40 - United States

Today, I realized the closest person I have to a friend is the debt collector who calls me every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 907

You deserved it 6 650

By atsukobo - 10/03/2012 06:04 - United States

Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 602

You deserved it 4 815

Family man

By Anonymous - 07/11/2020 20:02 - Canada - Minden

Today, my fiancé told me that his work is more important than our family. We have 2 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 147

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Sunday 27 February 2011 3:22

I feel like there should be a "*Takes off sunglasses*" before the last sentence.

KaySL 24

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:21

I know, right? I actually shat my asshole out after eating chipotle for the first time, but I could never give that shit up, son. I'm a proud member of the Eric Cartman Society of Chipotle Lovers. Werd.

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:06

haha YDI :P

MsSoulReaper 27

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:06

That sucks OP but you'll be alright :P no worries!

Hal0kittyable 0

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:06

Ouch...maybe you shouldn't eat that anymore...

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:17

Give up good food because of a bloody nose?! I think nott.

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:20

Nicely worded! ;D

KaySL 24

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:21

I know, right? I actually shat my asshole out after eating chipotle for the first time, but I could never give that shit up, son. I'm a proud member of the Eric Cartman Society of Chipotle Lovers. Werd.

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Sunday 27 February 2011 7:27

I actually shat my asshole out? Is that correct? Just wondering.

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Sunday 27 February 2011 9:04

Maybe it wasn't the food. A spontaneous nose bleed, perhaps.

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Sunday 27 February 2011 11:38

nose bleeds can be caused by spicy foods or exertion during exercise

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Sunday 27 February 2011 13:10

Dibbs on 'A Fountain of Blood' as a band name!

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

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Sunday 27 February 2011 14:00

10 - How much weight did you lose after you shat your asshole out?

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Monday 28 February 2011 13:37

that's why you don't snort ramen

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Monday 25 November 2013 10:08

Oh please, it wasn't the noodles that gave him the nose bleed, he just happened to see something perverted whilst eating those noodles xD

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:12

take pics, bloody pics are hot.

Jammy01jams 2

Sunday 27 February 2011 5:21

uuhh WTF is wrong with you?

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Sunday 27 February 2011 7:35

No, what is wrong with you?!? Everyone gets turnee on by bloody pics.

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Sunday 27 February 2011 8:26

actually I'm more turned on by your icon picture.

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Sunday 27 February 2011 13:20

are you referencing that FML about the guy what had a blood nose, dripped his blood onto a knife, took photos of it and now has to see the school shrink? if yes, nicely done.

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:13

Oooh that sounds lovely! :) Just kidding but that's not good. :| FYL OP.

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:13

Trying to add a diffrent taste to it huh

rlet 1

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:21

thats crazy what did u do with the bowl?? eat the noodles or hit your nose with it lol

xoxoMEGANxoxo 13

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:24

that's revolting...

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:42

gotta get that checked out

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Sunday 27 February 2011 6:33

what if it's a STD. :O

creamcheese724 0

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Sunday 27 February 2011 7:49

he has herpes..herpes hates hot food

randomaccess745 0

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Sunday 27 February 2011 7:52

tell that to science! maybe the cure for herpes is jalepeños. you should test this by pouring hot sauce on your genitals.

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Sunday 27 February 2011 9:40

that would feel... warm. hot sauce doesnt burn your cock dude

odexy 12

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:46

Your life is fucked because you got a nose bleed? Sure.

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Sunday 27 February 2011 5:00

I was thinkin the same thing..

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 124

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 230

You deserved it 295