Today, I stayed home from work, feeling ill. Come lunch time,... - FML

By Etta - 4/3/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, I stayed home from work, feeling ill. Come lunch time, I made myself some ramen noodles, thinking that the broth would feel good on my throat. Too bad I sneezed while carrying the bowl, dumping the boiling hot broth all down my front. The skin on my boob peeled away like tissue. FML

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Instadrama

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Username - 7/8/2011 21:44 - United States

Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 14:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

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By ahhh - 3/8/2015 06:06 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

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By LimpMcgee - 7/2/2011 02:36 - United States

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

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By krissy - 20/3/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, I found out that the sleazy guy I met with a few days ago decided to move into my home town to "be closer" to me. I've already told him I'm not interested in him, but he still continues to ask me out. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2012 17:41 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 00:28 - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "You're the sexiest person I've ever stalked". Later, I found another note that said "Sorry, that was meant for your roommate. You aren't my type." Not even a creepy stalker thinks I'm attractive. FML

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By SporadiCOOL - 27/8/2019 00:01

Today, my parents told me that I wasn’t invited to a family wedding because it was too expensive to invite everyone. This would be fine, if they didn’t invite all my other cousins, and my baby sibling as well. To be honest, it’s probably just because I’m gay. FML

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By stickyandwet - 30/1/2017 23:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, 3 hours into a 7-hour flight, I only ate half the chocolate mousse that came with my meal and decided to give the rest to my boyfriend. While reaching for his tray, he mistook the action as me stealing his mousse. We spent the rest of the flight covered in sticky soft drink splatter. FML

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By breathalizard - 2/5/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML

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By no i'm sure you're a responsible parent - 9/4/2020 02:00 - United States

Parent #1 of the Year

Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML

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By teeth - 30/1/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, I meant to forward an email to my friend mocking a coworker's email, but I hit "reply" instead of "forward". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 19:18 - United States

Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2015 21:20 - United States - Helena

Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that'd happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, "So, how are we gonna do this?" He thought we were gonna fuck. FML

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By Bengemon825 - 20/6/2015 19:03 - United States - Manchester

Today, I was trying to sleep in the car, and when I went to rest my face on my fist, our car hit a bump and I ended up punching myself in the face. FML

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By Jae_Hellyun - 8/1/2014 04:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a link to a Vine video in which she dumped me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 04:29 - Korea Republic of

Today, I picked up my passport, as my previous one was damaged in a car crash. As the teller warns me that a pattern of damaged passports will result in longer processing periods, she spills her coffee - all over my new passport. I'm supposed to go overseas in a month. FML

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By CooBerry3851 - 28/8/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pounds father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

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By boo - 16/2/2010 20:46 - United States

Today, I learned the reason they say don't keep your phone in high humidity places. I left my phone on the counter when I went to take a shower. It now won't turn on due to water damage and the warranty doesn't cover it. FML

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By depressednupset - 30/12/2011 15:06 - United States

Today, my mother told me to 'quit having a pity party'. I was just diagnosed with depression. I've lost my boyfriend, my job, my academic standing, and I just got rejected from every graduate school I applied for. And my mother thinks I'm a cry baby. Great. FML

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By Courtney - 7/11/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the toilet, and then had to give my boss a valid reason for why I was late. FML

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By That Guy - 1/11/2014 12:58 - United States - Tampa

Today, I realized why the lady I had complimented the night before on Halloween about her amazing one-armed costume, looked so hurt. She is literally missing an arm. I'm an asshole. FML

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By SleepObsessed - 5/8/2018 19:00

Today, even though I'm the most neat freak germophobe there is, I was diagnosed with scabies. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2016 06:53 - United States - Manchester

Today, I introduced my long-distance boyfriend of 2 years to my friends. I told him how my friends jokingly call him my imaginary Internet boyfriend. He thought it was so funny that when they met, he claimed to be my cousin, saying that I paid him to pretend to be my boyfriend. They believed him. FML

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By Ricky - 16/5/2009 21:19 - Canada

Today, in order to look nice for a date, I tried the new blue mouthwash that turns plaque blue so you know where to brush. I couldn't get all the blue. FML

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By Vlad - 21/11/2018 13:30

Today, my uncle is on vacation with his friend, who sent us a video of their hotel room. He captured a glimpse of my uncle in the shower. Naked. This can't be unseen. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2011 07:12 - United States

Today, at work I asked a cute, albeit slightly large customer, her name. Being hard of hearing, I thought she said "Porky" and asked her about it. Turns out she'd said Courtney. FML

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By love you too mommy - 27/1/2014 19:26 - United States - Brentwood

Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised because we don't talk much. I was left with a smile on my face after she left, until I realized she'd stolen all the candy on my desk while I wasn't looking. FML

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By crapped on - 16/6/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, my family went on vacation. I had to stay home to take care of everyone's animals. I called my mom, she said she was too busy to talk to me. My sister asked who was on the phone, she replied "the dog sitter." FML

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By shelby - 30/3/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, I realized I don't know which is sadder: the fact I have detailed conversations with myself in my car, or that I bought a Bluetooth earpiece so that I can do it in public without people thinking I'm a complete lunatic. FML

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By lol smiley face - 28/11/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML

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By none - 22/8/2013 04:27 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

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By watersport - 10/3/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I woke up because I really had to pee. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and went back to bed. Or so I thought. I did pee, but I only dreamed that I got out of bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2011 18:26 - Canada

Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. FML

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By chee - 11/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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By Megan Snair - 1/9/2019 04:01

Today, my cat threw up on the floor while I was taking a nap. I woke up, still groggy from the nap, and walked over to the bathroom. Not only did I slip on the vomit, spreading it all over the floor and myself, I think I somehow broke a toe in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 21:10 - Lebanon

Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML

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By drew - 18/12/2010 20:22 - United States

Today, I was run over by my own car as I tried to push it out of a snowbank. FML

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By I'm a pussy, yeah yeah - 5/9/2015 05:56 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7420375 - Sunday 5 March 2017 4:17

Pics or it's ... on second thought, nah.

Feel better!

By AirBusDriver | 23

#7420384 - Sunday 5 March 2017 5:05

Holy shit, I just choked on my bowl of ramen while reading this! Hope you heal up quickly OP!!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7420375 - Sunday 5 March 2017 4:17

Pics or it's ... on second thought, nah.

Feel better!

By Eashy | 16

#7420383 - Sunday 5 March 2017 5:03

Now you have something to blow your nose with!

By AirBusDriver | 23

#7420384 - Sunday 5 March 2017 5:05

Holy shit, I just choked on my bowl of ramen while reading this! Hope you heal up quickly OP!!

By maemismile | 22

#7420385 - Sunday 5 March 2017 5:19

Get some silver cream booboo. Burns can be the worst.

By TeaRex__ | 23

#7420405 - Sunday 5 March 2017 7:51

Aw! That hurt, if you're looking for a bright side, then if it was those 3-4 min store bought Ramen noodles, eating it would probably have made your throat feel worse because they contain so many spices, so at lease you didn't eat it... tinny tinny bright side. Hope you get well again soon.

Reply

littlebitty13 | 4

#7420430 - Sunday 5 March 2017 9:30

I second this, I love ramen but when I'm sick it's a no go! Only if I'm desperate.

By darshini_ii | 24

#7420411 - Sunday 5 March 2017 8:27

I'm thinking of all the bra-less days ahead of you. Could be the silver lining you're hunting for.

By Bartek0600 | 4

#7420448 - Sunday 5 March 2017 10:03

:)

By dramaelf | 37

#7420456 - Sunday 5 March 2017 10:17

Try raw honey, or nettle tea if you can find it. Nothing with spices!

By xx000o | 27

#7420522 - Sunday 5 March 2017 12:51

Maybe wear some clothes while you are eating.

Reply

Migole | 36

#7420668 - Sunday 5 March 2017 19:18

So you wear water-proof clothes on a daily basis? Because the last time I looked a simple shirt wouldn't do much against a bowl of hot water.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7420531 - Sunday 5 March 2017 13:04

That's what you get for eating Ramon noodle!