Money: Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously... - FML

By jsyn - 09/11/2013 23:27 - United States - East Hampton

Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 026

You deserved it 11 938

Broken heart

Tock follow tick follows tock…

What did I do?

Never in the buff

By ShyVirgin - 19/06/2021 05:01 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, a staff member entered my room, thinking it was empty. I was naked. This is the second time something like this has happened in the week I have lived here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 90

By John - 13/01/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 093

You deserved it 39 662

By rolypoly - 05/03/2014 12:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I achieved a personal goal by completing a half-marathon for charity, despite being overweight and unfit before training. When I finished I cried, not because I was proud of myself, but because I ran the last 2 miles while being followed by kids on bicycles calling me a "fat cunt". FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 382

You deserved it 5 607

Mr Commitment

By Anonymous - 05/01/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, after I caught my (now ex) boyfriend cheating. He told me that it isn't my business if he was seeing other woman, because we didn't had an official relationship. We have been living together in a house we bought, for two years now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417

You deserved it 115

By BSwan - 15/03/2011 00:57 - Australia

Today, a frog made my hot tub his new home. I can't stand frogs and he moves lightening fast. I think the only way to get rid of him is to turn the heat on and boil him. Which I would do if my daughter didn't already adore him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 872

You deserved it 11 344

By jesushelpme - 22/10/2012 19:08 - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 054

You deserved it 5 567

By Anonymous - 01/07/2012 04:22

Spicy

Today, I went to the beach with my boyfriend and family. My sister coyly pointed out the scratch marks down his back, hoping to embarrass me in front of my parents. The marks weren't from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 035

You deserved it 2 350

PTSD FML

By Eddward - 15/06/2021 06:00

Today, I was working a phone call in a call center when I suddenly began to faint while at it. It turned out to be a bad dream I'd woken up from, because it's been three months since I've worked at that call center. FML

I agree, your life sucks 748

You deserved it 77

Words which could only be your own

By kickout - 11/07/2021 19:59

Today, after I'd being sick all day, my boyfriend volunteered to do my very long sociology paper. I was later notified by my professor that the paper I'd submitted was completely plagiarized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 305

You deserved it 2 032

By BadLuck - 21/12/2015 11:45 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 880

You deserved it 2 029

By mediocreboobs - 18/02/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 375

You deserved it 8 820

By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 02:46 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I woke up thinking my house was on fire because I could hear crackling flames downstairs. I panicked and tripped out of bed. It was the fireplace channel I left on last night so I could wake up to a Christmas ambiance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 630

You deserved it 35 583

By Anonymous - 07/10/2010 23:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, my cousin and his fiancée took me to my first strip club experience. One of the strippers came over and danced for me. She pulled her thong string out and I tried to place the dollar in it with my mouth. I missed, to which she said "Put it in there, retard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 542

You deserved it 34 479

By NoRingForMe - 18/07/2012 17:03 - United States - Stamford

Today, I went into hysterics and started crying when my boyfriend pulled out a Tiffany's box at dinner. Then I found out he'd used the old box to make the $15 earrings he bought seem more "special." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 809

You deserved it 14 014

By SadOldBag - 23/08/2018 21:30 - United States - Estero

Today, I received the gifts of my period, diarrhea, severe dizziness and double vision, and an ant infestation in my home. These were followed by the glaring absence of any gifts from my husband. Happy 40th to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 121

You deserved it 213

By Anonymous - 24/02/2013 17:36 - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 867

You deserved it 5 425

By rosie21030 - 24/07/2017 10:33 - New Zealand - Lower Hutt

Today, I was the bridesmaid for my dad and my stepmum's wedding. As I was walking down the aisle, I tripped and fell over my high heels, hit my head on the armrest of a wooden chair on the way down, and passed out. I now have a concussion and a broken ankle. The wedding went on without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 942

You deserved it 737

By angry - 04/11/2009 18:51 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was on web cam to my girlfriend who was naked. She turned the web cam to point to the screen for a second and she was also on web cam with another guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 498

You deserved it 3 208

By KidKillah - 01/09/2012 04:07 - United States - Napa

Today, a small kid looked at me, screamed in terror, and hid behind his dad. I was just walking down the same aisle in the store. This is far from the first time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 992

You deserved it 3 166

By disgusted - 24/09/2012 19:16 - United Kingdom - Harpenden

Spicy

Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 797

You deserved it 6 478

Captain Dumbass

By Anonymous - 26/05/2020 05:00

Today, after my husband spent several days in his shed welding, he showed me his completed Captain America shield. It looked shit. I warned him not to throw it, but he threw it anyway, missed his target, bounced it off the garage and smashed the kitchen window, showering our kids in glass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 859

You deserved it 548

By frustrated - 05/08/2009 20:30 - Ireland

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 648

You deserved it 5 719

By twiggygonegirl - 06/06/2017 22:00

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 777

You deserved it 615

By Oh Cock - 10/10/2015 15:15 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I realised just how much my favourite pornstar looks like my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 058

You deserved it 7 898

By Username - 30/04/2011 08:51 - United Kingdom

Today, at the age of 17, I had my first kiss with the girl I've liked for over a year. However, it was a stage kiss and the girl has made it clear that she finds me repulsive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 525

You deserved it 4 604

By MrGullible - 17/04/2019 00:00

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 292

You deserved it 178

By Nurse - 31/08/2018 15:00

Today, a pregnant woman asked me to give her a demonstration on how to push when having a baby. I agreed and pushed, but I may have pushed a little too hard because I shat myself. The pregnant woman laughed and said she was hoping that would happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 808

You deserved it 712

By Bailyboo - 26/01/2012 23:50 - United States

Today, I admitted my fear of small spaces to my boyfriend. His response was to immediately lock me in the hall closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 097

You deserved it 4 749

By ouch... - 03/03/2010 11:13 - United States

Today, while trying to pull a nail out of some wood with a crowbar in my theatre class, my girlfriend, who was holding down the wood with her foot, thought it would be funny to move her foot and make me lose my balance. Instead, the crowbar flew up and struck me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 091

You deserved it 3 392

By anon - 14/01/2013 03:00 - United States - Dublin

Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 880

You deserved it 3 660

By poorman - 09/10/2009 23:22 - Canada

Today, my mother, who religiously checks her bank account after every purchase, then shreds her receipts, got fed up with me not doing the same. So she shredded all my piled up receipts. These include the 100s of dollars I had spent for my work, which I need the receipts to get reimbursed for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 219

You deserved it 3 303

By Anonymous - 22/01/2011 09:03 - United States

Today, a friend and I saw some deer outside my car. Since we were both leaving for college the next day we wanted to do something memorable so we decided to chase the deer. Turns out the deer wanted to chase us too. We ran for over five minutes screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 752

You deserved it 54 015

By notamum - 29/03/2014 02:07 - Australia - Belmont

Today, I was babysitting my 4-month-old niece at the park, when a woman came up to me and said, "Don't worry, dear. You'll get your figure back soon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 569

You deserved it 4 685

By ButNotBed - 04/11/2018 13:30

Today, I was told to be at a job site bright and early. I woke up and pounded several body smashing drinks to get going. They then called to tell me work was canceled due to weather. It's 0600. I can’t get back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 356

You deserved it 820

By Morgan - 22/06/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found it under my bed asleep when I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 620

You deserved it 29 668

By caly - 12/11/2018 16:32 - United States

Today, while at my mom’s house, my mom told me that I need to seriously curb my food intake. Then I went to my dad’s house and he told me I need to gain weight. I can’t win here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 684

You deserved it 163

By ItGirl - 09/11/2014 02:36 - Sweden - Eskilstuna

Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 455

You deserved it 3 346

By Maria - 14/03/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, my boyfriend had his arm around me. He pulled me closer, so I looked up, thinking maybe he wanted a kiss. Turns out he was picking his nose over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 603

You deserved it 383

By obviously a scumbag criminal - 24/11/2017 19:00

Today, I took a drug test for probation and failed a category called "tricyclic antidepressants". The tablet of Benadryl I took last night for sleep assistance caused me to violate my probation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 940

You deserved it 573

By Anonymous - 31/07/2016 14:19

Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 898

You deserved it 869

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Top comments

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:47

I would love to be the bank teller taking the bill when he tries to cash it. "No, sir, we don't cash Monopoly money either."

anythingmustbe 18

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:51

Too bad that money wasn't real. The idiot could have used it to by some brains.

Comments

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:47

I would love to be the bank teller taking the bill when he tries to cash it. "No, sir, we don't cash Monopoly money either."

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:48

I'd love to be the teller just so I could tell him it's fake.

ManInTheMachine 19

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:55

If he gets caught, he might as well grab a Get Out of Jail Free Card along with it, I suppose.

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:29

I would love to see the look on the guys face when he can't cash it..

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Sunday 10 November 2013 6:25

He can collect 200 and get some common sense.

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Sunday 10 November 2013 8:12

Up front sister!!!!

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Wednesday 10 June 2015 20:54

hey, maybe he's the guy who tried to use it at a Walmart a while back.

Sunday 10 November 2013 2:48

Fake or not, thats pretty cool!!

botanistjessica 24

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:11

How, exactly?

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Sunday 10 November 2013 4:00

Ok, I'll come steal all of your money cuz it's pretty cool :)

jellybeens_fml 16

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Sunday 10 November 2013 4:32

Having your car broken into is cool? :/

CocaColaPepsi 13

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Sunday 10 November 2013 18:54

Umm... its obvious from the fact he said "fake or not" that he was saying the 1,000,000 million dollar bill was cool if it was fake or not!

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:48

That's so stupid! Sorry, people these days can be real idiots!

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:32

People have always been idiots the internet just publishes it more now.

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:38

Lol true

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Sunday 10 November 2013 10:27

lol

illegalbeagle69 23

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Sunday 10 November 2013 15:31

Yeah!! I mean seriously, who leaves $1,000,000 hanging from their mirror?! Come on!!

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:49

Well, real money wasn't stolen. Real money you'll need to fix your car.

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Sunday 10 November 2013 4:04

Just hope the bill for repair isn't as much as the 1000000 bill is worth in Monopoly

anythingmustbe 18

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:51

Too bad that money wasn't real. The idiot could have used it to by some brains.

HeadlessSparrow 20

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:25

It's a good thing that money was fake. If that money was real, the OP would be an idiot for hanging it in the car!

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Sunday 10 November 2013 7:35

It's funny that you call him an idiot when you can't even spell buy correctly.

anythingmustbe 18

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Monday 11 November 2013 2:22

Oh my bad. I made and oopsy.

MrBoredomioo 18

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Monday 11 November 2013 6:24

"And oopsy". Are you 5?

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:51

What a fucking idiot. Consider yourself lucky.

KillSwitch96 18

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Sunday 10 November 2013 5:37

How are they lucky to have had their car broken into?

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Sunday 10 November 2013 5:39

Their car wasn't stolen or anything else of real value it seems like. Duh.

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Sunday 10 November 2013 7:14

I'm sure the thief knew it wasn't a real bill. He just wanted it-- Fake or not. "And we did it-- just like that. When we want something, We don't want to pay for it." Hope that person gets Caught Stealing.

KillSwitch96 18

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Sunday 10 November 2013 16:03

Do you have any idea how much a new car window costs olpally? They aren't cheap. Something expensive was broken in the process. Nothing of value was stolen, but it was broken and OP still has to pay to fix it. So no, they weren't lucky.

illegalbeagle69 23

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Monday 11 November 2013 0:58

Lucky nothing else was stolen, unlucky he has to pay for damages

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:52

Sorry for others stupidity OP. Hope you can fix your car.

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:53

Well, it's their loss, not yours.

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:02

So a broken window is not a loss, in comparison to losing nothing, which is? Makes perfect sense.

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Sunday 10 November 2013 4:33

The thief gained a fake million dollars and he has to pay to repair his car. Remind me again how it's the thief's loss?

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:53

What a moron

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Sunday 10 November 2013 2:54

Is it just me or are crooks getting stupider everyday? That, or the thief decided to be a real fuckface and just break in for the fun of it because they think they're funny by committing vandalism.

thatADHDdude 21

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:09

More stupid*

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:16

Stupider is a word, 20...

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:17

#20: No. Stupider is a word.

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Sunday 10 November 2013 3:39

Did my 3rd grade teacher lie to me? since when has stupider been a word?

hellphone_fml 37

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Sunday 10 November 2013 4:54

#38 ive been yelled at in school for using stupider, i was told to put "more stupid"

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Sunday 10 November 2013 5:28

They've been teaching you LIES, 52. LIES.

CrazyGirlfriend 21

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Sunday 10 November 2013 11:04

stupider could be a word but you wouldnt put it with the word more in front of it. If the word more is there than just stupid is needed, but if they didnt put the word more than they could put stupider.

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Sunday 10 November 2013 14:50

i always got confused with this, so i just always said dumber to take place for stupider.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 7

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 313

You deserved it 77

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 79