By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 14:00

Oddly specific thief

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My steering wheel. FML

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1559

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111

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Family values

Dangling modifier

Broken bum

By Keyser Soze

Today, I was cleaning out the cabinets under my kitchen sink and I farted with such force that my dog thought someone was knocking at the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6558

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997

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By MetalisLife

Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3484

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5740

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By undateable - 18/10/2020 02:01 - United States

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

Today, I tried to drown out the petulant whining of my idiot coworker as he droned on and on about how, “bitches don’t appreciate good men.” He’s 35, lives at home, still uses the term 'friendzone' and has the hygiene of a sewer-dwelling ogre. I was written up for for snapping and yelling at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1205

You deserved it

162

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

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37039

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4904

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I felt my feet slip out from under me and I face-planted in the slushy, dirty, melting snow. I rolled over, completely soaked, and attempted to get up, thinking no one saw me. A mail-man then passed me without offering to help, and said, "I've seen worse." FML

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27299

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3023

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML

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31771

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5970

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By andibartle - United States

Hello?

Today, at my new job, I was answering the phone and said "Hello Cafe Thirty, how may I help you?" The man on the other line said "Don't you mean Old Town Cafe?" Cafe Thirty was my old job. I now work at Old Town Cafe. The man on the other line was my boss. FML

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15981

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28363

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By redhanded - United States

Today, I noticed my hidden porn folder on my laptop had been renamed to "LOL". I live with my teenage daughter, and no one else. FML

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17664

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61582

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By Anonymous - Australia - Granville

Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50288

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20471

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By Great - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws moved in. FML

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68648

You deserved it

6242

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By jnp414 - United States - Bristol

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13429

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1505

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By imma ture

Today, I was involved in a debate. Things got out of control, insults were hurled, and by the end friends were lost. The subject of the debate? Whether snot has enough calories in it to be nutritional. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21833

You deserved it

6039

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By Anonymous - United States - Show Low

Today, I picked up an elderly woman walking alone in the cold. I asked her where she was going but she didn't respond. Thinking she was just cold, I kept driving until a man driving erratically kept honking at me. Turns out he's her husband and she has severe Alzheimers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24035

You deserved it

2254

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By gotanewmouse - New Zealand

Gross

Today, I saw my co-worker sneeze into his palm, get up, walk to my desk and smear his hand all over my computer mouse. He then went back to his desk and continued with his work. Last week we had a workplace awareness meeting about my OCD and fear of germs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33882

You deserved it

6772

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By toastedguy - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37546

You deserved it

13109

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By SharkWeek - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

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60560

You deserved it

5763

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By Debra - United States - Bloomington

Today, I had the class clown of my preschoolers oversleep our daily 15-minute nap. Not wanting to spare any more class time on his disrupting jokes, I let the headache sleep. After another 10 minutes we called an ambulance. He had a stroke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4863

You deserved it

962

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By no that does not help - United States - Austin

Today, I went to see a therapist for help with my severe fear of spiders. The therapist held a big spider in a box inches away from my face. I ran to the back of the room and asked him why. He responded with, "Aren't therapists supposed to help you face your fears?" I'm paying $150 an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43468

You deserved it

7747

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By Anonymous

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

I agree, your life sucks

1418

You deserved it

294

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By JSF1234 - United States

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

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64990

You deserved it

3508

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Take that

Today, I was at my Muay Thai class. We were doing a combination which consisted of a low kick, body kick and head kick. My partner had already done the low kick so I held the pads for the body kick. He kicked me straight in the jaw. I'm a teenage girl and he's a fully grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36127

You deserved it

3771

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By emoflowers - United States - Amarillo

Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML

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29343

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3314

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15808

You deserved it

48467

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By asdfBUTT - United States

Today, I went swimming in a pond. I came out covered in leeches. Terrified, I screamed, flailed about and cried out for help until half a dozen people ran over. One of them was kind enough to point out that those leeches I was so afraid of were actually patches of mud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9454

You deserved it

32042

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my daughter came home in tears, completely distraught. It took half an hour to convince her to tell me what was wrong. What horrific thing happened to her? One of her friends wore the same outfit as her to the movies, and apparently that's a betrayal of their friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40741

You deserved it

4045

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38007

You deserved it

2987

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By Protectress - United States

Today, while going around trying to find a job, a manager came up to ask me, "Are you looking to work here?" I nodded happily, hoping this would be the end of my search. She looked me up and down, saw I had a jacket on to hide my tattoos and said, "Sorry, I can't hire heroin addicts." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33089

You deserved it

10485

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By Anonymous

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1824

You deserved it

155

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By wdunn69733 - United States - Macon

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

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86118

You deserved it

10103

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, excited that I finally got a place of my own, I invited my boyfriend over for a sexy sleep over. He told me his mom doesn't want him sleeping over. He's 21 years old. FML

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36965

You deserved it

4630

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By thanks a lot - 4/5/2020 05:00

Great boyfriend, part 2

Today, my boyfriend made me a latte. It tasted off, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I drank it. Turns out he put laxatives in it as a prank. The idiot couldn’t just use one or two. He used so many that I had to go to the ER for severe dehydration after puking and shitting for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2686

You deserved it

176

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By - 29/2/2020 05:00

Bad encounter

Today, while finishing shopping with my kids, my female best friend and I were accosted by a called street preacher. He screamed that we were an abomination, having biracial children was a sin against nature and we were ruining America. Not only we are not gay and he made my kids cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1723

You deserved it

310

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By fail - Canada

Today, to impress my friends, I attempted to do a back flip. The only one impressed was the doctor who set my broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10946

You deserved it

38328

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By anonynomi - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24908

You deserved it

1582

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55621

You deserved it

12779

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By mn051299 - Switzerland - Richterswil

Today, I sat in my hotel room bathroom in dead silence for 30 minutes while I waited for the cleaning staff to stop watching TV and drinking beer from the minibar, so that I could finish using the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20273

You deserved it

3721

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw some friends' cars at a friend's house, but thought nothing about it. Then I found pictures on Facebook of the pool party they had as a going away party for my friend who is leaving the country for three months. I had no idea my friend was leaving and I was the only one not invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46415

You deserved it

5247

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By MerryChristmas - United States - Moore

Today, I went to a Christmas-themed amusement park with my 21-year-old autistic sister who adores Christmas. She took her picture with Santa and started crying happy tears. Then Santa asked her loudly, "Aren't you beyond old enough to know I'm not real?" Vacation ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5526

You deserved it

294

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By bully slayer - Philippines - Pasay City

Today, in the absence of my god-daughter's parents, I went in their place to see her elementary school's principal. She apparently stood up to a known bully's violence and retaliated, sending said bully to the hospital. Not only she may be facing expulsion, I may get sued by the bully's parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2883

You deserved it

192

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By laurisshnazzy - United States

Today, I was walking down the street with my friend, one I walk down every day, and I saw a really cute guy nearby. I felt like I looked better than usual, so I turned my head to offer a smile, and walked right into a pole. The impact was strong enough to send me falling to the floor. FML

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20126

You deserved it

46799

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Top comments

By slowhandjp | 16

#7897332 - Monday 13 April 2020 14:38

The same thing like that happens in Japan very often.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7897356 - Monday 13 April 2020 15:54

That's one way to keep you on the straight and narrow path!

COMMENTS

By slowhandjp | 16

#7897332 - Monday 13 April 2020 14:38

The same thing like that happens in Japan very often.

By John Nemeth | 14

#7897335 - Monday 13 April 2020 14:42

Dam wheel bandits strike again!

I thought they got locked up after that kid thwarted their plans

By RichardPencil | 29

#7897356 - Monday 13 April 2020 15:54

That's one way to keep you on the straight and narrow path!

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7897413 - Monday 13 April 2020 19:02

Well, now you can finally buy a quick release steering wheel to go with the helmet and gloves!

By nano123 | 13

#7897507 - Tuesday 14 April 2020 1:45

Oh you’re lucky it was steering coverfor me that was gone

By lifeis4me | 20

#7897540 - Tuesday 14 April 2020 7:08

Ordering a steering will is cheaper than buying an entirely new car