Intimacy: Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that...

By MystoganFT - United States - Emmaus

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Commando

Falling Down

By bonehead69 - United States - Taylorville

Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML

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By jruth7 - United States

Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

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By Theo - United States

Today, I came home to find my room completely torn apart. My mom and dad start yelling at me asking me why I am doing drugs because she found a tiny baggie on the floor. It was the little bag that spare buttons come in when you buy a dress shirt. FML

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By Bananapi

Today, my flatmate moved in with me. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, so did her mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 20:00

Cabin fever

Today, my (now ex) boyfriend came home from work at 8 p.m., monologued about how he doesn't love me anymore for two hours, and walked out on me. In the middle of quarantine. Out of nowhere. FML

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By Luke - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was robbed. I didn't know how the robber got in, as there was no clear signs of forced entry. I later found out that my psycho ex had written my address on the key I lent her when we were going out. And then purposely left it on a table in a café. FML

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By anon - United States - Kennett

Today, I woke up and put my contacts in. It appears that I got drunk enough last night that instead of soaking my contacts in contact solution, I used mouthwash. FML

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By mster233 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents like rough sex. I found the whip and handcuffs. FML

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By thatgirl - United States

Today, I went on a date with a respectable, successful, polite, and attractive guy. Ten minutes into the conversation, I find out he's a neo-Nazi and earned a swastika tattoo in prison for "something shady." FML

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By really - Australia

Today, after telling my boss about my hearing problem, she simply told me to "listen harder". FML

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By Cassandra - United States

Today, my mom took a bright red sharpie and drew a red circle just above my breasts. She said, "If I can see this, ever, your shirt is either too low cut or too see through and it will be thrown away." FML

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By lon01t - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I was taking my architecture project to school. I'd spent days preparing my little model house. I stepped outside with it in my hand, and right at that moment a gust of wind ripped it away. It's currently lying in my neighbour's garden, smashed to pieces. FML

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By FathersDay - United States

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Auburn

Today, my neighbor finally password-protected his wifi. Right in the middle of my timed, online exam. FML

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By Veronica Rambo

Today, it was my first day going to work with new hours where I'm in the office alone for an hour. I managed to lock myself out without my jacket, my phone, and my keys. It was raining. FML

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By clostar - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML

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By anonymous - 11/3/2020 06:00 - Canada

Higher education

Today, I realized that all the swirling techniques I learned in chemistry labs has helped me to swirl alcoholic ingredients properly in my drinks to get the best mixtures. Thanks university. FML

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By legotron - United States

Today, I left work at 11pm. It was cold and dark, and I was anxious to get home, so I cut across some soccer fields to get to my car. About halfway across, the sprinklers came on. FML

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By jobless - United States

Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML

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By kids say the darnedest things - United States - Denver

Today, my 3-year-old daughter asked me to carry her from the car to the house. I asked her for 3 kisses and a hug in return. She said she'd rather walk instead. FML

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By mom2010 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

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By FMLMom - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I learned that my son goes on online chat rooms and has sexual fantasy role-play. To make matters worse, the characters he uses are from My Little Pony. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 17:00

Eat the rich

Today, at work, I found out that they are taking all bonus pay away, but giving us an extra $1 an hour due to Covid-19. Last week, they laid off half my department. Those people laid off are making more money on unemployment than I am now. FML

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By hard worker

Today, I gave my boss 2 weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML

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By Cheyennereed - United States - Shaw A F B

Today, while on my way to the movies, I stopped at a gas station to pick up candy so I could avoid the high prices at the movies. The guy who tore my ticket asked for my purse, confiscated my candy, and then kicked me out of the movie theater. That guy was my boyfriend. FML

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By Manny Managerson - 23/11/2020 11:01 - United States

The Terminator

Today, a furious woman stormed into my job, demanding to know why I fired her precious baby boy. I explained that watching porn on the clock is grounds for termination. She screamed that I was lying about him and that she’ll see me in court for slandering him. I had to call the cops to make her leave. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

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By soontobedumped - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, I saw a dead ant. It made me think about how brief and fragile life is, why we're all here, and whether it has a point. It was a piece of lint. FML

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By f u doc - 30/9/2020 17:01 - United States

Time's up

Today, I had two different doctor's appointments with different specialists at the same hospital. Doctor #1 kept me waiting so long doctor #2 refused to see me. I tried to explain I was in the building and why I was late, but he wouldn’t hear it. I’d already waited 4 months for these appointments. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

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By ShitHappens2016

Today, my mother-in-law texted to wish me a happy birthday. She spelled my name wrong and it's not my birthday. FML

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By iamatthewroberts - United States

Today, my grandmother told me that not only does she not accept me as a homosexual man, but that she feels my relationship with a little person is "spitting in God's face." FML

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By got to be kidding me - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss announced that instead of holiday bonuses being on the cards, the company is going under and we'll all be out of a job next year. FML

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By Its_Sinon - United States - Oceanside

Today, I got married. After the ceremony, my sister asked to talk to me. I followed her and she told me that we are no longer related because we don't have the same last name anymore. FML

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By Partyofthree

Today, I work at a private pool where I can get up to six people in for free. Naturally, I invited my crush. She brought her boyfriend. FML

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By Rich - United States

Today, I admitted to my wife that I'd really like to get a Prius, but I was worried that if I did, everyone would question my sexuality. She told me, "I don't know why you care, everyone already thinks you're gay." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2020 08:09

So wrong

Today, my boyfriend came over to meet my family. When I told him I had an autistic brother before he came in, he immediately broke up with me because he claimed autism is another word for overprotective. I've been dating an idiot. FML

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Top comments

By coming back in the future | 30

#6487009 - Thursday 17 December 2015 11:21

I bet he's determined to give your girlfriend 'the finger' too.

By Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6487013 - Thursday 17 December 2015 11:27

Well, at least he gave you fair warning. That's more than most of us get.

COMMENTS

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6487008 - Thursday 17 December 2015 11:19

Shit man your girlfriend better watch out

gotaplanstan | 28

#6487505 - Thursday 17 December 2015 22:10

interesting nickname to give op lol

By coming back in the future | 30

#6487009 - Thursday 17 December 2015 11:21

I bet he's determined to give your girlfriend 'the finger' too.

By coming back in the future | 30

#6487011 - Thursday 17 December 2015 11:25

By Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6487013 - Thursday 17 December 2015 11:27

Well, at least he gave you fair warning. That's more than most of us get.

thawny_fml | 21

#6487303 - Thursday 17 December 2015 18:10

OP didn't beat the shit out of him. Typical beta. Waiting for the "my girlfriend cheated on me FML".

TH_Insomniak | 15

#6487311 - Thursday 17 December 2015 18:17

right, I'd've thrown one right then and there just as a warning. better not even say a rude word about my girlfriend, let alone say something like that lol.