BrokeCantaloupe

Mr Bikini Bottom, The ocean 29 years-old Single

notpregnantthankgod 20 November 2015, 17:20 Southampton, United Kingdom

Today, the local gossip was in line behind me at the shop. She saw me buying pregnancy tests. The good news is that I'm not pregnant. The bad news is that she'll definitely have everyone thinking I am. FML

56 comments

Anonymous 20 November 2015, 19:48 United States

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend. He gazed at me, stroked my cheek, and said, "Christ, you really need something for this acne." FML

69 comments

Anonymous 20 November 2015, 20:13 Las Vegas, United States

Shot

Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML

78 comments