Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said...

By mary - 9/8/2012 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said "of course," reached into my handbag, and gave him the lighter. He stared at me for a few seconds until I realised I'd given him a tampax. FML

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Work name

Who's a good boy?

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By Radbaby - 20/6/2018 01:30

Today, nearing the start of what I was hoping to be a relaxing week off, my air conditioning system died. A replacement system will be in the $7000 range, just the amount I'd finally saved for my dream vacation. FML

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By badhairday - 26/12/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

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By cinemasaddo - 25/9/2013 22:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I was let down for a movie date. As I'd already paid for the tickets, I got my narcoleptic sister to come and sit next to me while she slept, so it didn't look like I came on my own. FML

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By yellow_sunflowers101 - 16/4/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew. He continually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML

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By lilsis - 31/1/2010 05:38 - Australia

Today, my sister asked me if any of my family members had commented on my recent weight gain. I told her no not really. Her reply? "They must just being saying it behind your back then." FML

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By FMyThroat - 18/1/2013 00:39 - Peru - Lima

Today, after battling for hours to get just a little sleep before my early morning work shift, I finally began drifting off. Then I got the worst attack of hiccups in my life. FML

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By lizownsvirgy - 7/7/2011 19:49 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 09:24 - Australia

Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML

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By saywhat - 9/4/2013 11:05 - United States - Yakima

Today, I refused to go down on my boyfriend of 9 months. He then shoved me off the couch and, half crying, yelled that I was the third girl this week to turn him down. After sobbing for a bit, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I need you to do this so I can prove my manhood." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

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By hitmutefirst - 3/2/2009 10:24 - United States

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

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By Phil - 21/12/2008 12:14 - France

Today, I'm 65 years old, and I've been given a bottle of wine produced in the year I was born. The wine tastes foul; not a good omen. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 02:37 - Canada

Today, I was forced to go to the mall with my dad. He wore a bear suit the entire time. FML

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By anon - 31/3/2016 01:09 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2014 22:10 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out my wife named our son after her ex-lover. FML

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By Zoey_M - 8/7/2013 23:26 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

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By anonymous - 29/7/2012 13:34 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my OCD boyfriend stopped mid-way through sex just to crack all ten of his knuckles after accidentally cracking one. FML

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By Jyocka - 26/4/2011 22:25 - Canada

Today, on a first date, I finished eating my sushi, feeling proud to have managed chopsticks so elegantly and then rubbed my eye, oblivious to the fact I had just touched some wasabi. What followed was a classy exhibition on how to jump around screeching in pain. FML

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By someoneelsessaliva - 5/6/2010 06:59 - Australia

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 02:55 - Canada

Today, I was reading a book in bed when my dad came to check whether or not I was asleep. To avoid any conversation, I pretended that I was. Turns out he was just checking whether he and my mom could have sex while I was fast asleep. I couldn't plug my ears in time. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 05:19 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was too tired for sex, which she interpreted as me confessing to not wanting to have sex with her because I’m having sex with other women. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 17:32 - United States

Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 08:21 - Australia

Today, I won an award at school for my hard work. Afterwards, my parents told me off. Why? They wanted my brother to get it instead of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2016 14:05

Today, I tried to change my usually stoic behaviour and be friendly to a coworker. Now she is convinced that I finally went insane and intend to murder her. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2017 19:30 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

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By MAC. - 4/8/2012 09:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML

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By Sugar - 22/11/2008 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, British Telecom disconnected my landline by mistake. Their call centre in India tried to reach me. Result, they spoke to an unknown gentleman, who told them he didn't need a phone line at my address. Reconnection in 2 business days. FML

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By Az - 13/6/2012 00:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, I woke up to a guy outside my house, who wanted to give me flowers and take me out on a date. Aside from it all being pretty fucking creepy anyway, the guy is my not quite right in the head second cousin, who's apparently now head-over-heels in love with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, at work, a woman fainted, and an extremely attractive cop came in to help. I ended up running into him an hour later. Seeing as though I'm not very shy or a nervous person, I struck up a conversation with him, thinking it must be fate. I ended up fumbling my words so much he asked if I was drunk. FML

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By kyyle - 11/1/2014 04:02 - United States - Chicago

Today, we were playing charades at school. My word was "head", so I pointed to my face. Nobody on my team got it. But they did guess, "Ugly?!" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 17:20 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went on another date with a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Afterwards, we went back to my place for the first time and things got heated. While taking my pants off, he recoiled and asked if I thought it was still No Shave November. FML

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By just wanted nice nails - 5/8/2015 04:37 - United States - Palmer

Today, I found out that you can ruin a $500 computer with a few stray drops of 100% acetone nail polish remover on the keyboard. FML

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By casey - 25/3/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

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By ForeverLost - 26/3/2020 20:21

Together, forever

Today, my wife asked me for a divorce, shortly after I found out she's been having an affair. Then our county placed us on quarantine for Covid-19. Now I'm stuck living with her until it goes away. FML

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By coolguy - 6/11/2012 05:15 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

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By AvocadoPurse - 31/12/2019 16:00

Today, my mother-in-law took a phone message on the back of my marriage license. FML

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By Upset Mommy - 14/7/2013 04:32 - United States

Today, my water broke. I called my mom, who had agreed to watch my other two kids while I went to the hospital. When I asked her to come over, she just said, "Sorry, now isn't a good time." FML

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By OakStake - 8/12/2013 22:07 - United States - New York

Today, my elderly neighbor along with our community church's priest came to my house and demanded to "give them the girl". The girl is my 3-year-old daughter, who has natural born red irises and is photo-sensitive. And yes, we are also Romanian. FML

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By amm - 12/11/2018 13:30

Today, my boyfriend started tickling me relentlessly. I am extremely ticklish and accidentally kicked him in the shin whilst squirming. He’s now trying to get me arrested for assault. FML

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Top comments

By whirlednews | 8

#4794379 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:07

I bet that lighter is a bit agitating in your vag OP

By zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#4794376 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:07

How did you manage to confuse your tampax for a lighter?

Comments

By SgtStud | 4

#4794373 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:06

Almost corrected the fml on the spelling, but then I realized they're from the UK. On another note, that must have been awkward...

Lindahhxd | 7

#4794412 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:10

You can always open the tampon, stuff tobacco in it and light it to play it off.

Mauskau | 35

#4794464 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:23

Starred? That isn't a word. We say stared. We know Americans are lazy with spelling but we don't have stupid words in the uk.

Emma Marshall | 19

#7684621 - Wednesday 29 August 2018 11:29

Starred is a word.... just not in this context.

By zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#4794376 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:07

How did you manage to confuse your tampax for a lighter?

rattusrattus | 18

#4794442 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:19

I'd think a cigar would be a slightly more obvious confusion, but you can't really bum a cigar from people.

DomDomxoxo | 16

#4794557 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:39

It was probably a tampon without an applicator wrapped in plastic.

Naomimi_fml | 6

#4794619 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:55

15, only in Cuba

capper44 | 18

#4795055 - Friday 10 August 2012 1:09

#15 you cannot 'bum' a tampon either, coz it would hurt lol haha

*Sorry guys but its funny :D

Nbackus9 | 4

#4795681 - Friday 10 August 2012 5:02

Butt chugging dude! Happens all the time!

By whirlednews | 8

#4794379 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:07

I bet that lighter is a bit agitating in your vag OP

JKr3slEMO | 5

#4794393 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:08

it's a bit agitating in her vag? well that's new

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4794474 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:24

Did the joke fly over your head? ^

JKr3slEMO | 5

#4794488 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:27

actually the joke did fly over my head when I first read it but now I got it and I take my stupidity back...shoo. Nothing to see here..

JKr3slEMO | 5

#4794517 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:32

now I'm not one for blonde jokes but this is a blonde moment for me..considering the fact that I am naturally blonde:/

numbersystem | 4

#4794588 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:45

Natural bluende

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4794793 - Friday 10 August 2012 0:28

Don't be so hard on yourself, #26. =]

Popcornography | 8

#4795108 - Friday 10 August 2012 1:25

My goodness, you're an arsehole 51.

mckibben | 7

#4795117 - Friday 10 August 2012 1:27

51- you are an asshole. 26- dont listen to 51, he's jealous of your hair

poppysoda | 4

#4795234 - Friday 10 August 2012 1:54

I thought people were done with being scene kids..

ClaremoreZebra | 8

#4795297 - Friday 10 August 2012 2:07

I thought people were done with unintelligence.

Skyblu10 | 10

#4795490 - Friday 10 August 2012 3:39

And I thought people were done taking douchebag mirror pictures.

togahanavee | 1

#4796266 - Friday 10 August 2012 9:02

I thought Arnold's untucked shirt from Hey Arnold was a kilt.

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6060341 - Monday 8 September 2014 23:31

It's not a kilt? I always just assumed it was

By your_ma | 27

#4794391 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:08

Oh you poor thing that's so embarrassing!!

Zoh_Aubrey | 8

#4795194 - Friday 10 August 2012 1:44

At least it wasn't used.

MURIKKA | 11

#4795477 - Friday 10 August 2012 3:29

Because people keep used tampons in their handbags....

Zoh_Aubrey | 8

#4797086 - Friday 10 August 2012 14:36

On FML, I wouldnt be surprised.

By MURIKKA | 11

#4794402 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:09

"Tampax: for when mother nature attacks your slacks"

By TBelle4Ever | 15

#4794404 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:09

Could have been worse... It could have been a condom that she handed him instead.

Sunkistlover718 | 21

#4794417 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:11

Guys are much more comfortable dealing with condoms than they are with tampax...

TBelle4Ever | 15

#4794439 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:19

I was talking about OP

ManInTheMachine | 19

#4794494 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:28

10's point still stands.

By JKr3slEMO | 5

#4794413 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:11

You confused a tampax to a lighter? I wonder what other objects you confused for another...

PizzaRollsss | 5

#4795937 - Friday 10 August 2012 6:20

I hope she doesn't confuse a tazer for a razor... That could have a shocking ending.

artistvspoet16 | 6

#4796078 - Friday 10 August 2012 7:15

How do I message you? I have so many questions about your hair!

By PurpleLightsaber | 4

#4794419 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:11

Some guy? You didn't know him? If so, how did he know you had a lighter?

ruabadfishtoo | 0

#4794491 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:28

Well if OP is a smoker (assuming that) he most likely was also a smoker and knew she must have a lighter. I've seen my mom do it to total strangers.

StayClassyLassy | 6

#4794999 - Friday 10 August 2012 0:57

Exactly, smokers can tell other smokers apart from non-smokers.

icecreamdriveby | 5

#4795027 - Friday 10 August 2012 1:02

The cigarette in her hand was probably a dead giveaway.

namyo | 13

#4795178 - Friday 10 August 2012 1:40

Me and my friend were asked if we had a lighter and we are both slightly short 15 year olds

By sarahlouise0506 | 10

#4794423 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:12

What a bloody awful mistake.

MrElephant | 5

#4795777 - Friday 10 August 2012 5:31

I see what you did there.

TheMaster15 | 10

#4796401 - Friday 10 August 2012 9:31

68 - I've seen some pretty bad duck faces, but THAT....... O.o

By gracehi | 31

#4794424 - Thursday 9 August 2012 23:13

Well, tampons ARE flammable...

PizzaRollsss | 5

#4795961 - Friday 10 August 2012 6:28

Is it really true that your cat shits living lizards?

annie_nk | 22

#4796190 - Friday 10 August 2012 8:11

That's exactly what I was thinking! (the flammable part, not the shitting lizards bit lol)

gracehi | 31

#4796209 - Friday 10 August 2012 8:24

72, Maybe! I found this little guy in my cat's litter box when I was cleaning it. It makes you wonder though...What madness drove him in there???