Miscellaneous: Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said...

09/08/2012 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said "of course," reached into my handbag, and gave him the lighter. He stared at me for a few seconds until I realised I'd given him a tampax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 953

You deserved it 6 836

Miscellaneous

Empathy lives

Leave us alone

Moving day, grandma

30/09/2016 04:05 - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 796

You deserved it 1 350

04/11/2011 04:04 - Australia

Today, I was fired for the second time in as many days. I received a letter notifying me that I would no longer be working for the company, effective immediately. When I did not attend work the next day, I received a phone call firing me for not turning up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 820

You deserved it 2 658

03/10/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 399

You deserved it 3 342

28/06/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I gave the toast at my sister's wedding which was outside. Before I started, the wind blew up my dress and wouldn't let up. Instead of giving my heartfelt speech, I spent five minutes fighting with my dress as 130 people pointed at my floral-printed underwear and laughed loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 905

You deserved it 4 582

04/10/2012 18:10 - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to buy groceries while suffering horrible morning sickness. My nausea magnified as I stood in line behind an obese lady wearing a tank top and tiny short shorts. I lost everything in my stomach when she stuck her hand down her shorts and started scratching at her ass-crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 243

You deserved it 2 324

Tis the season

By creimers - 01/07/2020 23:01

Today, my mom forbade me from taking any allergy medicine, because she is afraid that I'll turn into a meth addict. I have horrible allergies and can barely see or stop sneezing without them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 107

20/05/2011 08:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 178

You deserved it 16 515

18/09/2012 21:46 - Australia - Forestville

Today, I found out my little brother is a highly committed Nazi. He goes to meetings and everything, my parents think it's great he is "getting out and developing a social life." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 324

You deserved it 2 138

18/12/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I was stood up on a date. Her excuse? "I had to work out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 139

You deserved it 3 562

12/10/2018 08:30 - United States - Menasha

Today, my boss yelled at me for having Facebook open at work. That's fine, I closed it and continued on with my work. In a meeting later on I could see the reflection of my boss's laptop screen in a mirror behind her desk. For two hours, I watched her scroll through her Facebook feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 828

You deserved it 417

15/01/2015 02:18 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I was faced with the inevitable horrible circumstances which lead me to put in a tampon on a moving city bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 534

You deserved it 5 215

06/07/2015 21:37 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was working customer service at a large grocery store. I recently got a small, tasteful septum piercing that is barely visible. As I greeted a customer, she began to gag, held out her hand as though she was fending me off, and said, "I can't. Your nose ring makes me sick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 450

You deserved it 9 600

07/05/2011 04:46 - Canada

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 527

You deserved it 45 193

02/04/2012 23:40 - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 223

You deserved it 2 092

11/08/2018 07:00 - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend took my car on a 3-day vacation, stranding me in our extremely rural town. I have a box of ziti, a jar of expired pickles, no cable or Netflix, and no water since the well ran dry. Why am I here? "Someone needs to stay with the dog and feed the cows." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 850

You deserved it 372

Thanks buddy

By jackmehoffa - 03/04/2012 18:10 - United States - Green Bay

Today, I posted on Facebook saying I'm in a new relationship. One of my buddies said, "You're cheating on Jill?" My girlfriend saw this and went completely nuts, not giving me a chance to explain that "Jill" is just a euphemism for your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 565

You deserved it 5 820

18/08/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. All my friends showed up at my house already drunk, so I had to be the designated driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 046

You deserved it 3 867

30/08/2014 02:54 - United States - Farmingdale

Today, my 8 year old son asked me why he had to make his bed everyday if he would just use it again. I replied with, "You flush the toilet even though you're going to use it again, right?" He said, "Good point." Now he's not making his bed or flushing the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 985

You deserved it 10 365

30/03/2019 02:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were out to dinner. She had to use the bathroom, so she went, but the food came while she was in there. She came out, yelling at me for ordering the food to come that exact time, then she broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 325

You deserved it 184

15/01/2013 21:58 - United States - Fargo

Today, I learned my neighbor can access my wireless printer from his house after it started printing off pictures of what I'm assuming is his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 986

You deserved it 7 681

14/02/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 533

You deserved it 3 614

02/07/2016 18:45 - United States - Bismarck

Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 441

You deserved it 1 747

29/12/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts fights with me over text because apparently, when I'm arguing with someone, I stop speaking in "annoying shorthand" and am grammatically correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 148

You deserved it 38 635

21/12/2016 20:02

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 293

You deserved it 4 951

05/03/2015 02:05

Today, my neighbor at my apartment building told me water from my sink was leaking into his apartment. He told me to call maintenance to fix it, but they won't help unless he calls. He refuses to, and I can't do my dishes without feeling like an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 261

You deserved it 3 015

22/07/2011 04:23 - United States

Today, I am sitting at home, alone, playing video games. My wedding is tomorrow afternoon. None of my bridesmaids wanted to hang out tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 523

You deserved it 4 823

08/07/2011 00:58 - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 541

You deserved it 3 106

26/01/2011 07:48

Today, my 4 year old cousin is staying overnight. Every time I fall asleep he wakes me up to tell me I fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 134

You deserved it 3 775

02/04/2009 10:28 - United States

Today, we sparred for Tae Kwon Do. I forgot my cup, but I didn't think anyone sucked enough to hit me below the belt. 5 seconds into a match, some girl knees me in the happy sacks. After writhing in pain for 30 seconds, I got back up to spar. I didn't think she sucked enough to do it again. She did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 951

You deserved it 30 990

10/07/2009 21:59 - Iraq

Today, I woke up from a nap to hear my roommate having some intimate time with his hand. The slopping and slurping sounds along with the girly man squeal as he finished haunted me all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 757

You deserved it 4 264

13/01/2010 00:55 - United States

Today, I noticed there was a red truck following me. I walked as fast as I could. I then ran. It followed. I slipped on some ice and fell. I was unable to get up. It stopped beside me and the driver got out. I then said hello to my husband's new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 479

You deserved it 23 454

08/04/2019 17:00 - United States - Pacific

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 635

You deserved it 733

Best day of my life

By poorgirl - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad threw up on my dress. My wedding dress. While he was walking me down the aisle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 057

You deserved it 3 449

29/11/2010 12:13 - Australia

Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 519

You deserved it 6 487

11/06/2011 13:06 - Singapore

Today, my parents grounded me and took away my phone, iPod and door. That's right, my door. They think that because I was stumbling and couldn't walk straight last night, I must have been out drinking. They know I suffer from chronic vertigo, but don't believe I was having an attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 326

You deserved it 3 220

08/08/2009 05:27 - France

Today, I was on an airplane back from California. I decided to check out my new $1500 MacBook that I bought the day before. My son decided to projectile vomit all over me, my new computer, and my bag. None of it got on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 325

You deserved it 5 928

27/07/2015 12:58 - United States - Newtown Square

Today, I found out my pregnant sister has been watching Teen Mom 2 to find out how to be a good parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 977

You deserved it 2 220

24/03/2015 12:58 - Belgium

Today, my husband used the vacuum cleaner. Proud of him for this first-ever initiative, I congratulated him. His second initiative was to stick the nozzle on my ass, yelling, "Liposuction!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 931

You deserved it 5 557

20/09/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I went on a trip to DC. When I got back I found out my car was stolen. Apparently they didn't know how to drive a stick because it was only 4 blocks from my house and the engine was blown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 204

You deserved it 2 337

01/10/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I went to my former high school's homecoming game. A classmate who I always had a crush on looks up and goes "Brian!", holding her arms out for a hug. I hug her and she seems a bit suprised but hugs back anyway. I get up and see another Brian from our class behind me. Shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 568

You deserved it 4 395

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Top comments

whirlednews 8

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:07

I bet that lighter is a bit agitating in your vag OP

zoPwNAgEzo 21

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:07

How did you manage to confuse your tampax for a lighter?

SgtStud 4

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:06

Almost corrected the fml on the spelling, but then I realized they're from the UK. On another note, that must have been awkward...

Lindahhxd 7

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:10

You can always open the tampon, stuff tobacco in it and light it to play it off.

Mauskau 35

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:23

Starred? That isn't a word. We say stared. We know Americans are lazy with spelling but we don't have stupid words in the uk.

Emma Marshall 19

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Wednesday 29 August 2018 11:29

Starred is a word.... just not in this context.

zoPwNAgEzo 21

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:07

How did you manage to confuse your tampax for a lighter?

rattusrattus 18

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:19

I'd think a cigar would be a slightly more obvious confusion, but you can't really bum a cigar from people.

DomDomxoxo 16

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:39

It was probably a tampon without an applicator wrapped in plastic.

Naomimi_fml 6

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:55

15, only in Cuba

capper44 18

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Friday 10 August 2012 1:09

#15 you cannot 'bum' a tampon either, coz it would hurt lol haha *Sorry guys but its funny :D

Nbackus9 4

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Friday 10 August 2012 5:02

Butt chugging dude! Happens all the time!

whirlednews 8

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:07

I bet that lighter is a bit agitating in your vag OP

JKr3slEMO 5

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:08

it's a bit agitating in her vag? well that's new

KiddNYC1O 20

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:24

Did the joke fly over your head? ^

JKr3slEMO 5

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:27

actually the joke did fly over my head when I first read it but now I got it and I take my stupidity back...shoo. Nothing to see here..

JKr3slEMO 5

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:32

now I'm not one for blonde jokes but this is a blonde moment for me..considering the fact that I am naturally blonde:/

numbersystem 4

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:45

Natural bluende

KiddNYC1O 20

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Friday 10 August 2012 0:28

Don't be so hard on yourself, #26. =]

Popcornography 8

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Friday 10 August 2012 1:25

My goodness, you're an arsehole 51.

mckibben 7

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Friday 10 August 2012 1:27

51- you are an asshole. 26- dont listen to 51, he's jealous of your hair

poppysoda 4

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Friday 10 August 2012 1:54

I thought people were done with being scene kids..

ClaremoreZebra 8

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Friday 10 August 2012 2:07

I thought people were done with unintelligence.

Skyblu10 10

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Friday 10 August 2012 3:39

And I thought people were done taking douchebag mirror pictures.

togahanavee 1

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Friday 10 August 2012 9:02

I thought Arnold's untucked shirt from Hey Arnold was a kilt.

lil_ham1644 29

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Monday 8 September 2014 23:31

It's not a kilt? I always just assumed it was

your_ma 27

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:08

Oh you poor thing that's so embarrassing!!

Zoh_Aubrey 8

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Friday 10 August 2012 1:44

At least it wasn't used.

MURIKKA 11

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Friday 10 August 2012 3:29

Because people keep used tampons in their handbags....

Zoh_Aubrey 8

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Friday 10 August 2012 14:36

On FML, I wouldnt be surprised.

MURIKKA 11

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:09

"Tampax: for when mother nature attacks your slacks"

TBelle4Ever 15

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:09

Could have been worse... It could have been a condom that she handed him instead.

Sunkistlover718 21

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:11

Guys are much more comfortable dealing with condoms than they are with tampax...

TBelle4Ever 15

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:19

I was talking about OP

ManInTheMachine 19

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:28

10's point still stands.

JKr3slEMO 5

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:11

You confused a tampax to a lighter? I wonder what other objects you confused for another...

PizzaRollsss 5

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Friday 10 August 2012 6:20

I hope she doesn't confuse a tazer for a razor... That could have a shocking ending.

artistvspoet16 6

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Friday 10 August 2012 7:15

How do I message you? I have so many questions about your hair!

PurpleLightsaber 4

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:11

Some guy? You didn't know him? If so, how did he know you had a lighter?

ruabadfishtoo 0

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:28

Well if OP is a smoker (assuming that) he most likely was also a smoker and knew she must have a lighter. I've seen my mom do it to total strangers.

StayClassyLassy 6

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Friday 10 August 2012 0:57

Exactly, smokers can tell other smokers apart from non-smokers.

icecreamdriveby 5

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Friday 10 August 2012 1:02

The cigarette in her hand was probably a dead giveaway.

namyo 13

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Friday 10 August 2012 1:40

Me and my friend were asked if we had a lighter and we are both slightly short 15 year olds

sarahlouise0506 10

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:12

What a bloody awful mistake.

MrElephant 5

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Friday 10 August 2012 5:31

I see what you did there.

TheMaster15 10

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Friday 10 August 2012 9:31

68 - I've seen some pretty bad duck faces, but THAT....... O.o

gracehi 31

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Thursday 9 August 2012 23:13

Well, tampons ARE flammable...

PizzaRollsss 5

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Friday 10 August 2012 6:28

Is it really true that your cat shits living lizards?

annie_nk 22

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Friday 10 August 2012 8:11

That's exactly what I was thinking! (the flammable part, not the shitting lizards bit lol)

gracehi 31

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Friday 10 August 2012 8:24

72, Maybe! I found this little guy in my cat's litter box when I was cleaning it. It makes you wonder though...What madness drove him in there???

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 194

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 588

You deserved it 69

Tis the season

Thanks buddy

Best day of my life

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