Miscellaneous: Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom.... - FML

By kelsjenks - Canada

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

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Season finale

Instadrama

Conspiracies claim another victim

By Mintspice

Today, a girl I've liked for months agreed to go to a movie. We were going to see Captain Marvel, but missed the show time, so we saw Five Feet Apart. Blessing in disguise, right? Wrong. She cried while holding my hand as she talked about how in love she is with another girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Fernie

Today, my fiancé is returning home, so I decided to wax myself, thinking things would get intimate. I warmed the wax strips and set them on the counter. Our cat jumped onto the counter and managed to roll onto one of the strips. Suffice to say, the wrong pussy got a painful waxing. FML

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By 4evalone - United States - Monterey

Today, I was dressed as a single girl. I wore pajama pants, hoodie with no bra, and carried a plate of pizza around. But it wasn't my costume, I just had nowhere to go for Halloween. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML

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By Laura - United Kingdom - Girvan

Today, I was at a concert and a man came up behind and started to grind me. I pushed him away. He came back and pissed on my leg. FML

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By bamrd - United States - Boulder

Today, my university is capable of sending me two diplomas in short succession due to a clerical error, but can't recognize that I've graduated and won't be taking classes with them in the fall. FML

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By SilverAuthor - United States - Detroit

Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

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By chestycough - Australia - Belrose

Today, my doctor asked me to undo my bra so he could check my breathing without the straps restricting my lungs, I got home and told my friends how awkward it was. Not one of them has had this happen to them before. We all go to the same doctor. FML

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By jackie89 - United Kingdom - Redruth

Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

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By Violet - United States - Exeter

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to get a shirt saying "I'm a girl," just so people won't think he's gay. FML

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By TotallyDoneDating

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML

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By chickenflavouredlaptop

Today, I received my new laptop in the mail and put it on the kitchen counter, where my family charges all our electronics. My mom then decided to make soup and spilt chicken broth all over my new laptop before I even got the chance to turn it on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Adrian

Today, my boyfriend told me how jealous he gets when I "hang out" with Dylan. Dylan is the 5-year-old boy whom I babysit every day. My boyfriend wants me to stop, because apparently Dylan cockblocks him. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

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By Forgetful godmother

Today, I learned that my son’s godmother forgot about the baptism date and booked a family holiday to Italy. Her mother is also on the trip and she is the officiant. I gave them both the date over 6 months ago. Everything is already booked on our side for that date. FML

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By SickSmick - United Kingdom

Today, I have the flu, food poisoning and I'm on my period. I have enough liquids pouring out of me from various holes to satisfy a sewer. FML

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By parishiltonsbff - United States

Today, I realized that I know more about Paris Hilton's cervix than how my government is run. FML

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By fuckall - United States

Today, I worked out that if I paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans, I'd be paying them until I'm 65. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 23:01

Drained

Today, after following the directions and drinking a gallon of what can only be described as an industrial strength laxative for a scheduled colonoscopy. I shit my brains out for nearly 12 hours. The hospital then called and canceled my procedure an hour before my arrival time. FML

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By forgottenbday - United States - Canoga Park

Today, my boyfriend treated me to a surprise romantic dinner, and got me a huge balloon bouquet, a dozen roses, a beautiful card for my birthday. Too bad it's his ex's birthday and not mine. FML

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By CT - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

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By

New deal

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "No", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "Deal." FML

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By notmarriedyet - United States

Today, it was my wedding day. Everything went great, except that no one showed up. Apparently, the address of the invitation was typed wrong. FML

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By King_of_Cha0s - United States - San Jose

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

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By aherdofpigs - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

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By frog - United Kingdom

Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML

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By RickTheBoy - Canada - Toronto

Today, after a haircut, I walked to the cash register, handed the hairdresser a $20 bill and said, "Keep the change." He looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "The haircut costs 25 dollars." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 17:01

Marxism intensifies

Today, after three weeks of suffering from COVID, I returned to work. I met with my boss, and was written up for absenteeism. Oh, and we're closing early because there are ongoing riots. Oh, and we lost the contract and I'm unemployed in three weeks. FML

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By rochellamaya - Canada

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML

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By lonely one - United States

Today, it's been a week since I've been in hospital. No one has been to visit me. The nurses have nicknamed me "The Lonely One." FML

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By Catie - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML

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By obsessed - United States

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

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By super maman - France - Montauban

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the girl of my dreams, the one person I've met in my life that I could see myself spending the rest of it with, told me she loves me. She then specifically added "...but not in that way, so we could never be together." FML

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By howembarrasing - United States

Today, I went to the sandcastle contest at my local beach. While waiting in line for my hotdog, a man cut in front of me and demanded a cup of water. I called him a jack ass and was saying how people like him give us a bad reputation on the beach. I then see him running to his choking daughter. FML

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By poorman - United States - Derwood

Today, I realized that my 5 year old son has more money saved up in his piggy bank than I have in my actual bank account. FML

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Top comments

By saIty | 17

#2984862 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:13

Little did you know it was a magical flying broom.

By metallicshadow | 16

#2984860 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:11

haha ballbag

COMMENTS

By metallicshadow | 16

#2984860 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:11

haha ballbag

Reply

kyarush | 10

#2984885 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:32

someone broke into my house and stole my motorcycle helmet and microwave. I have a brand new tv and xbox sitting in my living room... WTF? lol

Reply

juicedboi | 7

#2985022 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 21:51

At least they took something. Imagine the stress of wondering what they took if you couldn't figure it out.

Reply

rallets | 22

#2985190 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 23:37

i wouldnt have taken anything but i wouldve left a lava lamp

Reply

Trololololololo_fml | 7

#2985306 - Thursday 28 July 2011 1:34

Better had been a goddamn great broom.

Reply

lorenzoman77 | 7

#2985371 - Thursday 28 July 2011 3:00

i wouldve taken the vacuum..

Reply

humorizer | 14

#2985460 - Thursday 28 July 2011 5:29

"Ballbag"...
What are you? Canadian?!

Reply

WellThatSucksMaj | 0

#2985489 - Thursday 28 July 2011 6:16

be considerate, ballbags need clean floors too.... jeez

Reply

chuckychan | 8

#2985668 - Thursday 28 July 2011 9:58

was it a swiffer sweaper?

Reply

CheckMyProfile | 17

#2985682 - Thursday 28 July 2011 9:48

lmao

Reply

Zafrina15 | 13

#2985801 - Thursday 28 July 2011 10:59

yes he's canadian. are you not able to see the location clearly written? it says canada(british columbia).
im going to guess youre some stupid american?

Reply

iSitt | 0

#2986673 - Thursday 28 July 2011 16:05

or a Harry potter fan

Reply

missmurderx | 8

#2986978 - Thursday 28 July 2011 16:21

37, Dane Cook reference?

Reply

bigbisawesome | 0

#2989755 - Friday 29 July 2011 0:45

dang ur cute

Reply

wooiekid | 0

#2991431 - Friday 29 July 2011 6:17

and I'm going to guess you're an uneducated Canadian moron

Reply

elite_stoner | 0

#3007793 - Sunday 31 July 2011 11:02

probably crack head on a cleaning frenzy.

By saIty | 17

#2984862 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:13

Little did you know it was a magical flying broom.

Reply

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#2984940 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 20:05

At least that's what the meth monster that stole your broom was thinking.

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#2984994 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 21:25

Witches used to use brooms to apply drugs to their... yeah. Apparently its hyper-sensitive or something. So you never know.

At least brooms are cheap.

Reply

aliceisbored | 11

#2985292 - Thursday 28 July 2011 1:19

It was probably a Firebolt!

Reply

AloysiusWeasley | 15

#3012776 - Monday 1 August 2011 5:43

Obviously his Nimbus broke down, the poor guy just needed a ride!

Reply

Vzify | 0

#3070714 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 12:44

sad -_-

Reply

kumonsucks | 7

#5001829 - Thursday 4 October 2012 0:16

Most likely the nimbus 2000 :)

By MrSousa10 | 8

#2984868 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:14

Wow that's a first

Reply

JustOhSoLovely | 6

#2990318 - Friday 29 July 2011 2:19

no it's not, I do it all the time

Reply

sly161 | 0

#3026591 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:14

Not really, I would rob a broom... I don't want dirt on mah floor :D

By Nevitt | 9

#2984872 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:16

must have been a good broom

By Legendslayer222 | 26

#2984880 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:22

Hey, all the Harry Potter nerds have to end up somewhere now the series is over.

Reply

Nevitt | 9

#2984898 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:36

hey don't rage all over HP Fans...
maybe Voldemort stole OP's broom

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2984903 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:40

Beat me to it. I was thinking must have been a Harry Potter fan.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2984908 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:42

Beat me to it. I was thinking must have been a Harry Potter fan.

Reply

strainer04 | 8

#2985000 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 21:30

true story!

Reply

Lovelyfailure | 16

#2985327 - Thursday 28 July 2011 1:20

WIN. :D

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2984890 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:35

The thief just wants to impress Cornelius Fudge with his or her Quidditch skills.

By spazx | 5

#2984905 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:39

lmfaooooooooooo he said ballbag

By LOLbomb | 1

#2984912 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:41

You fool! That broom was the last hope for humanity! You've doomed us all!

Reply

Pi653 | 0

#2991073 - Friday 29 July 2011 5:02

Why do you care so much... Was it a firebolt

By LOLbomb | 1

#2984915 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:43

You fool! That broom was the last hope for humanity! You've doomed us all!

By stormchaser24 | 24

#2984919 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 19:45

Well at least he did not take your TV or money or something valuable just a 2.50 broom and the damages to the window or door. So I think you got off lucky. but still FYL

Reply

metallicshadow | 16

#2985097 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 22:54

oh wait...

Reply

ilovepotatoes419 | 14

#3003515 - Saturday 30 July 2011 19:56

how u you know it was 2.50? you dont