Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology,...

By leaftheerickson - 21/10/2012 10:31 - United States - Bohemia

Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology, which ended with me being hospitalized because of an allergy attack. I have no idea what I'm allergic to, but my doctor says I should just assume I'm "allergic to all leaves, ever." FML

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Assumptions

By Thongy - 7/4/2020 20:00 - Canada

Cultural differences

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? My Australian friend sent me a message saying I'd left my thongs at his house. My boyfriend still refuses to believe that they call flip-flops thongs in Australia. FML

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By stk - 19/12/2016 12:56 - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up at 3am to catch my flight back home, only to realize that my flight was pushed back 14 hours. FML

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By agh marriage - 11/10/2012 05:56 - Australia - Albany Creek

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

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By sickatwokr - 30/6/2015 20:26 - Australia

Today, while alone in the childcare centre I work at, one of the children farted bad enough to trigger my morning sickness. Because I was alone, I couldn't leave the room, which resulted in me throwing up into a 2-year-old-sized toilet, while 12 toddlers either watched or ran wild. FML

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By choker - 14/3/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my mom. At the check out line I was eating a bag of chips as my mom bought her stuff. I inhaled while eating and I started to choke. The cashier asked me if I was okay. My mom just waved her hand, and said, "Sometimes she does that for attention, ignore her." FML

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By Pete - 7/8/2018 13:00

Today, it's the third day I've been at home recuperating from ear surgery. My surgery was on the same day my neighbor started renovating. There's been hours of jack-hammering every day I've been home. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2013 00:33 - United States - North Little Rock

Today, I got dumped because a guy sat next to me at a party and I didn't get up to change seats. Apparently, it means I subconsciously like the guy who sat down. FML

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By Dummy - 21/11/2017 05:00

Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I went to the water park, and got in a line on a staircase to get on a waterslide. A couple minutes in, I feel a large amount of warm liquid drip on my head. Seconds later, a crying girl was being lead down the stairs being told that 'everyone wets themselves sometimes'. FML

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By JoeyTheJedi - 18/10/2016 00:31 - United States - Batesville

Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's been a death in the family, then abruptly hangs up. I speed home, to find my mother holding the tiny corpse of a fish that she got 2 weeks ago. I got fired for being late to work. FML

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By happy21sttome - 15/6/2015 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, after 5 years in a row of my family doing absolutely nothing to even acknowledge my birthday, I got train tickets to see my boyfriend for the weekend and celebrate with him. I woke up to 6 angry texts about how I'm 'selfish' for not staying at home with my family. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2015 17:47 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, when I woke up, one half of my face was smooth and clear and the other half looked as if I got slapped by the Hand of Puberty itself. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 04:16 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

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By titillating - 12/3/2012 04:28 - United States

Today, on my way to work, I had to squeeze by a man sitting in a large truck parked next to my car. I was in a bit of a hurry and in my rush the collar of my shirt got caught on his grill. My shirt ripped and I flashed the guy my entire boob. FML

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By - 9/4/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By pathetic - 6/11/2013 13:04 - United States - Lincoln

Today, my grocery shopping consisted of Poptarts, SpaghettiOs, Lucky Charms, Popsicles, Easy Mac, and Twinkies. I'm a 25-year-old woman with no kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 11:50 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML

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By Kahlilah Kilgore - 20/10/2019 16:00

Touching story

Today, I was half asleep when my cat came over to cuddle. I was petting her in the dark when I felt what I thought was a patch of matted fur under her neck, as if she had been injured and bleeding. Alarmed, I felt for that spot again and found myself holding her tail. What I'd felt was in fact my cat's anus. FML

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By WTF - 3/12/2014 21:21 - United States - Conroe

Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML

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By Emcee - 5/6/2009 10:48 - Philippines

Today, it was graduation day, and the very first time I'm hosting an event. When I got on stage, I stared at the audience for a good 5 seconds, then I fainted. FML

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By Flicker - 14/5/2009 07:23 - Australia

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

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By Ismellbacon - 29/2/2012 06:29 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

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By SMV - 11/11/2008 06:53 - France

Today, my company was having a huge party. I got to work dressed in my best outfit. At the the lunch break my boss told me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML

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By Prepper? - 6/12/2017 01:30

Going out of business? It's a matter of life and death!

Today, the accredited funeral home of my memorial plan is going out of business. Instead of delegating my policy to a different firm, they gave me the package. I now have to take home a land title for where I will be buried, my own coffin, and my headstone. FML

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By nirvana_mama157 - 28/11/2011 12:51 - United States

Today, my husband asked me, "Why do you love me?" I spent the next five minutes spilling my heart and soul out to him. After I'd asked the same question, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't." FML

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By LightsOut - 21/5/2013 22:47 - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

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By bob - 5/2/2011 12:02 - United States

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

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By yolo is for shitheads - 9/10/2012 16:07 - United States

Today, I had to call in sick to work because I was experiencing bowel distress. I called my manager's phone directly so no one else would know of my embarrassment. She put me on speakerphone, and I only realized when the juvenile laughter started. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2013 17:52 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my grandparents went around bragging to people that I'm taking my STD test. They meant to say SAT. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 15:00

Clean me, humanoid

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

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By KimberleyIrene - 20/7/2009 22:35 - Canada

Today, I was supposed to hear back from a job I interviewed for. The guy called me and told me I got it. I said "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!" He responded with "You're welcome Emily". My name isn't Emily, it's Kim. He got the numbers mixed up. FML

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By tirf - 9/2/2015 22:58

Today, while correcting essays, I spilled ketchup on a student's paper. I managed to successfully turn it into a happy smiley face but when proudly looking at the result, noticed it was right next to the big "F" that I had graded it. FML

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By Eodowoiono - 6/8/2013 16:20 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2013 04:23 - United States - Lafayette Hill

Today, I almost died. How? I nearly suffocated after passing out while chewing an entire pack of gum. I should really drink less. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

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By kirrby - 12/11/2011 06:41 - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my girlfriend because I feel unappreciated. She fell asleep while I was attempting this. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2020 08:09

Caring

Today, I was rummaging about in the pantry. When I turned to walk away, the heavy pantry door fell off, struck me in the back of the head, and the wood surrounding the doorknob cracked. When my mom came home, she accused me of "property damage." FML

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By sad gf - 14/11/2010 20:29

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. Just as we were ready, his mom called to say happy anniversary. She was so excited for us, she was going to stop by. After throwing out our unused and only spare condom, she called us and said she was just kidding, and to enjoy ourselves. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2018 19:30 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

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By work -_- - 22/4/2013 13:22 - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, I was feeling really sick at work. I messaged my boss whether his girlfriend, who also works there, could cover me. He then came down, shouting at me that whatever illness I have, I've also passed on to his girlfriend. I'm pregnant. FML

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Top comments

By Andrew6111 | 6

#5065746 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:40

Just see which leaves you collected and get spot tested for them.

By Bibliovore | 26

#5065751 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:42

Standard allergy testing includes to a bunch of different kinds of trees, right? If you haven't had that done before, perhaps you can now -- and perhaps allergy shots might improve things for you. In the meantime, I suppose at least you have a doctor's note to get out of the biology project....

Comments

By anythingmustbe | 18

#5065740 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:39

That is pretty sucky op. Hopefully you will be able to find out what the leaf was. Life can be a bitch.

HowAreYouToday | 34

#5065806 - Sunday 21 October 2012 20:07

So can doctors.

ZeeBest86 | 6

#5065866 - Sunday 21 October 2012 20:37

I think u meant: life can be a birch...
Teehee

mowmowlife | 21

#5066109 - Sunday 21 October 2012 22:10

#27 win. Sounds like OP's doc is pretty stumped. You better leaf him.

DictatorDom | 5

#5066182 - Sunday 21 October 2012 22:33

Leafs a bitch and then you die :p

llamafish | 25

#5066247 - Sunday 21 October 2012 23:18

43 - I give you points fir trying.

Scarshadow101 | 6

#5066650 - Monday 22 October 2012 3:29

These comments made me laugh harder than the FML did.

Sir_Loin257 | 4

#5066857 - Monday 22 October 2012 4:19

The only time saying fir instead of for won't get you attacked by grammar nazis

Cainicide | 5

#5067746 - Monday 22 October 2012 16:09

#59 - there is an "you" in place of "your" in your bio.

FATTY_MCDOOGLE | 29

#5068050 - Monday 22 October 2012 18:18

These comments are very punny.

Sir_Loin257 | 4

#5074967 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 6:10

67 if you read carefully saying "your" would make absolutely no sense listen "if your can't understand..."? How does that make sense?

Sir_Loin257 | 4

#5074979 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 6:13

Also "an" should not be before "you" in your comment "y" is not a vowel in this case if you would like to try and talk about proper grammar you should have proof read your commer first

Sinkhole | 26

#5075062 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 6:49

Yeah, listen to the guy who doesn't proofread his comments.

By Andrew6111 | 6

#5065746 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:40

Just see which leaves you collected and get spot tested for them.

gc327072 | 29

#5065797 - Sunday 21 October 2012 20:03

Exactly. My mom had to do this after her body went haywire via cat dander.

boredSOLDIER | 33

#5546713 - Saturday 22 June 2013 16:16

Time is running out

By Bibliovore | 26

#5065751 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:42

By Posthuman | 26

#5065755 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:43

Trees hate you OP. Trees hate you.
*starts throwing DVDs at OP*

Futacy | 29

#5065761 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:47

No more crack for you, LOL

BeanBrick | 10

#5065771 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:51

That's likely my favourite video by Julian Smith.

mowmowlife | 21

#5066174 - Sunday 21 October 2012 22:29

Well, I'd rather eat Randy.

Celina_Lune | 20

#5066276 - Sunday 21 October 2012 23:44

Julian Smith reference indeed. He makes the most hilarious videos on youtube in my opinion.

jelly713 | 19

#5066383 - Monday 22 October 2012 0:40

You're comments are getting better. [=

jelly713 | 19

#5066385 - Monday 22 October 2012 0:42

Your*

By Bakarra | 22

#5065757 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:45

Leaf allergies, as if you didn't have enough incentive to stay inside during the fall...

By skyeyez9 | 24

#5065763 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:48

Same here. I had an allergy test and learned I am allergic to every tree except a cedar tree.
Took allergy shots....and had an anaphylactic reaction to those.

Celina_Lune | 20

#5066310 - Monday 22 October 2012 0:03

I'm allergic to all tree, grass, and weed pollens. As well as cat dander and dust mites. Thankfully, I started getting allergy shots a few months ago and they're helping me a lot.

...That's disappointing that they didn't work for you.

By Church_Vii | 4

#5065765 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:49

At least your doctor has a sense of humor.

Futacy | 29

#5065786 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:58

The only thing funny about OP's doctor is wherever he got his diploma from.

Psych101 | 9

#5065793 - Sunday 21 October 2012 20:01

14- eBay isn't funny.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5065836 - Sunday 21 October 2012 20:20

This humor is a little off.

By olpally | 32

#5065767 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:50

Great doctor... Not! Get another opinion... That's not good.

By Futacy | 29

#5065773 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:51

Find a new doctor who will actually do his job and get you tested for your allergies instead of acting like his patients don't matter.

Church_Vii | 4

#5065983 - Sunday 21 October 2012 21:18

You should know better than to assume any FML is a whole story. The doctor probably mentioned it as a joke, then proceeded to take action. FMLs are meant to share comedic experiences, which occur at certain points, and are never entirely serious.

By WritingWrongs | 8

#5065782 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:54

Very funny username OP, anyway, that really does suck... Right in the middle autumn.