Health: Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology,...

By leaftheerickson - United States - Bohemia

Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology, which ended with me being hospitalized because of an allergy attack. I have no idea what I'm allergic to, but my doctor says I should just assume I'm "allergic to all leaves, ever." FML

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Health

Triage

Bit on the side

Time's up

Today, I wasn't sure whether it was past the time when they stopped giving out parking tickets. I checked the meters on either side of my car, and both were expired, so I figured I was good. I came back out to all three of us having tickets. FML

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526

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By Depressed - United States - Collierville

Today, I got a call from the head of my school dance committee saying that the dance was cancelled and the services originally hired were still expecting to be paid. The reason the dance got cancelled? One of the girls on the committee's parents wouldn't let her buy her dream dress. FML

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By Monagro - United States - New York

Great plan. Solid.

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me to propose by telling me that the sooner we get married, the sooner she'll get pregnant and hence the sooner we can eat the placenta. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. I tried to hide my sadness from my mom. She still noticed, and tried to cheer me up. She took me to a funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex in her basement. All awesome, until her mom walked down and wanted to watch a movie with us. I had to watch it naked under a blanket. FML

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By no - United States

Today, I got in trouble for shooting my paintball gun at a piece of wood, so my dad told me to go wash it. While I was washing it, he shot me several times in the back, yelling, "That's payback for being born." FML

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By crazy mother in law

Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to have a baby. She decided to call me and explain in extreme detail what positions to try, and when. FML

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By Why Me - United States - Seattle

Today, I was unloading Cokes outside of the movie theater I work at. While bent over, I heard someone call out, "Damn girl, you got a fat ass," followed by, "Oh God, that's a man!" I am indeed a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

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By Jobless - Malaysia

Today, my boss wanted to promote me to a managerial position. I declined the position saying I don't think I'm ready and experienced enough for that role. I was then fired instead for not accepting the promotion. I was fired for being honest. FML

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By ashley - United States

Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there is a tradition where the batmitzvah gets lifted on a chair, and so does her family. It was my turn after my sister's. I got in the chair. They couldn't lift me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, when I lifted myself up a little bit. What I was not prepared for was my boyfriend leaning down to kiss my neck. We collided heads, hard. FML

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By Stevejobs

Today, after realizing I had 130 unused vacation hours, I requested two weeks off. My vacation time was denied, but my boss still gave me the time off. So I don't have work for 2 weeks, all unpaid. FML

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3003

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

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By InsultToInjury

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

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By Failed_Dad - United States - Davis

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

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By Thepunchline - United Kingdom

Today, it's the third day since my mum quit smoking, and I realised that her health-drive is having a negative effect on my own health when she bitch slapped me down the stairs because she didn't get a joke I told her. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went into work to set up a new store. There was a lot of lifting so I dressed casual. This happened to be the day the owner brought in his conservative family to check out the store. I was wearing a shirt that says "everyone poops" and has a donkey and elephant pooping. FML

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By Sleepdeprived - United States - Falmouth

Today, I bought some crickets as a treat for my lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system in my room. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. FML

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By nononame - United States

Today, I emailed the guy I like to ask him on a coffee date. He responded, declining by telling me he never drinks coffee. We met at Starbucks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother handed me a sandwich that I'd asked him to make for me. Halfway through eating the sandwich, he started laughing hysterically. I still don't know what was in it. FML

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By nearsighted-ut

Cool nickname

Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML

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By Dean Heffern

Today, I was paired up with a partner in my film class. He has an idea for a film: "Shoot an onion from all angles, light it on fire, and roll it down a hill". He was dead serious. I'm stuck with this guy for the whole year. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Takarazuka

Today, as I walked out the door to head to class, my neighbour's kid threw a balloon at me, filled with some kind of foul-smelling liquid that he calls "liquid ass". I had a presentation 20 minutes later and couldn't get the smell off myself in time. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Roller coaster ride

Today, I had had sex while sober for the first time in years. It was really awkward, bumpy, and I kept on apologizing for being so terrible. FML

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By aprilfooled - United States

Today, for april fools day, my entire class decided to prank our religion teacher. During our daily meditation time, while his eyes were closed, we slowly got out of our seats and left the classroom. Two minutes later he opened his eyes, locked us out, and called the dean to give us all detention. FML

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By Pooping - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, while I was at work, a coworker began ranting about his theory that the government is going to create a disease that sterilises everyone, and use the antidote to control the population. I was just trying to take a crap in the stall next to him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it was the first day after my promotion. Everyone, including myself, was shocked that I was promoted so quickly. I figured it was because of all the hard work and overtime I'd put in. However, my coworkers figure I'm just sleeping with the boss, and constantly glare and snicker behind my back. FML

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By getajob - United States - Carmel

Today, while working security at a welfare office, I had to listen as a claimant gushed about her upcoming Caribbean cruise. I work two jobs and haven't had a vacation since 2006. FML

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By broken - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend in his room. He grabbed me behind the head to pull me in for a hard, romantic kiss. He accidentally smashed my nose into his cheekbone, and my nose started gushing blood and continued to bleed for over 2 hours. It's broken, and he just laughed. FML

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By apavies444 - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my girlfriend's house for the first time, I got up to go to the bathroom. I went to go back and once in the room asked, "You ready for round two baby?" The light came on and at this moment I realized I went into her parents bedroom by mistake. FML

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By Kayla

Today, it's the third day in a row that my classmate next to me has brought green bean casserole to eat in class. The last two days I could hold back my vomit, but today I couldn't. FML

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By AML - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 19-year-old, long-distance boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to text me all day because it's too hard to type while in his Spider-Man suit. It's non-negotiable. FML

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By chassezlenaturel - Belgium

Today, my husband used the vacuum cleaner. Proud of him for this first-ever initiative, I congratulated him. His second initiative was to stick the nozzle on my ass, yelling, "Liposuction!" FML

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By "chris_lillo" - United States - Waco

Late reaction

Today I bought a new cage, along with some toys, for my bird. I came home to find my bird had escaped its old cage. FML

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By KO - United States

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

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By baller12 - United States

Today, I finally got the guts to walk out of class 30 min. early only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat sat down and unpacked. FML

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By Eyalsh - Germany - Greifswald

Today, I came back to my dormitory after a long shift at work. After using the toilet, I looked at myself in the mirror, only to find a huge piece of food stuck between my front teeth. I work at one of the fanciest restaurants in town; nobody bothered to tell me anything. FML

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Top comments

By Andrew6111 | 6

#5065746 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:40

Just see which leaves you collected and get spot tested for them.

By Bibliovore | 26

#5065751 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:42

Standard allergy testing includes to a bunch of different kinds of trees, right? If you haven't had that done before, perhaps you can now -- and perhaps allergy shots might improve things for you. In the meantime, I suppose at least you have a doctor's note to get out of the biology project....

COMMENTS

By anythingmustbe | 18

#5065740 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:39

That is pretty sucky op. Hopefully you will be able to find out what the leaf was. Life can be a bitch.

HowAreYouToday | 34

#5065806 - Sunday 21 October 2012 20:07

So can doctors.

ZeeBest86 | 6

#5065866 - Sunday 21 October 2012 20:37

I think u meant: life can be a birch...
Teehee

mowmowlife | 21

#5066109 - Sunday 21 October 2012 22:10

#27 win. Sounds like OP's doc is pretty stumped. You better leaf him.

DictatorDom | 5

#5066182 - Sunday 21 October 2012 22:33

Leafs a bitch and then you die :p

llamafish | 25

#5066247 - Sunday 21 October 2012 23:18

43 - I give you points fir trying.

Scarshadow101 | 6

#5066650 - Monday 22 October 2012 3:29

These comments made me laugh harder than the FML did.

Sir_Loin257 | 4

#5066857 - Monday 22 October 2012 4:19

The only time saying fir instead of for won't get you attacked by grammar nazis

Cainicide | 5

#5067746 - Monday 22 October 2012 16:09

#59 - there is an "you" in place of "your" in your bio.

FATTY_MCDOOGLE | 29

#5068050 - Monday 22 October 2012 18:18

These comments are very punny.

Sir_Loin257 | 4

#5074967 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 6:10

67 if you read carefully saying "your" would make absolutely no sense listen "if your can't understand..."? How does that make sense?

Sir_Loin257 | 4

#5074979 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 6:13

Also "an" should not be before "you" in your comment "y" is not a vowel in this case if you would like to try and talk about proper grammar you should have proof read your commer first

Sinkhole | 26

#5075062 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 6:49

Yeah, listen to the guy who doesn't proofread his comments.

By Andrew6111 | 6

#5065746 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:40

Just see which leaves you collected and get spot tested for them.

gc327072 | 29

#5065797 - Sunday 21 October 2012 20:03

Exactly. My mom had to do this after her body went haywire via cat dander.

boredSOLDIER | 33

#5546713 - Saturday 22 June 2013 16:16

Time is running out

By Bibliovore | 26

#5065751 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:42

By Posthuman | 26

#5065755 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:43

Trees hate you OP. Trees hate you.
*starts throwing DVDs at OP*

Futacy | 29

#5065761 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:47

No more crack for you, LOL

BeanBrick | 10

#5065771 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:51

That's likely my favourite video by Julian Smith.

mowmowlife | 21

#5066174 - Sunday 21 October 2012 22:29

Well, I'd rather eat Randy.

Celina_Lune | 20

#5066276 - Sunday 21 October 2012 23:44

Julian Smith reference indeed. He makes the most hilarious videos on youtube in my opinion.

jelly713 | 19

#5066383 - Monday 22 October 2012 0:40

You're comments are getting better. [=

jelly713 | 19

#5066385 - Monday 22 October 2012 0:42

Your*

By Bakarra | 22

#5065757 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:45

Leaf allergies, as if you didn't have enough incentive to stay inside during the fall...

By skyeyez9 | 24

#5065763 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:48

Same here. I had an allergy test and learned I am allergic to every tree except a cedar tree.
Took allergy shots....and had an anaphylactic reaction to those.

Celina_Lune | 20

#5066310 - Monday 22 October 2012 0:03

I'm allergic to all tree, grass, and weed pollens. As well as cat dander and dust mites. Thankfully, I started getting allergy shots a few months ago and they're helping me a lot.

...That's disappointing that they didn't work for you.

By Church_Vii | 4

#5065765 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:49

At least your doctor has a sense of humor.

Futacy | 29

#5065786 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:58

The only thing funny about OP's doctor is wherever he got his diploma from.

Psych101 | 9

#5065793 - Sunday 21 October 2012 20:01

14- eBay isn't funny.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5065836 - Sunday 21 October 2012 20:20

This humor is a little off.

By olpally | 32

#5065767 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:50

Great doctor... Not! Get another opinion... That's not good.

By Futacy | 29

#5065773 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:51

Find a new doctor who will actually do his job and get you tested for your allergies instead of acting like his patients don't matter.

Church_Vii | 4

#5065983 - Sunday 21 October 2012 21:18

You should know better than to assume any FML is a whole story. The doctor probably mentioned it as a joke, then proceeded to take action. FMLs are meant to share comedic experiences, which occur at certain points, and are never entirely serious.

By WritingWrongs | 8

#5065782 - Sunday 21 October 2012 19:54

Very funny username OP, anyway, that really does suck... Right in the middle autumn.