Today, some asshat thought it would be funny to put a second...

By Anonymous - 25/08/2019 02:02

Today, some asshat thought it would be funny to put a second lock on my locker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 542

You deserved it 136

Late term

Triage

Free healthcare for all

By mastermind - 22/08/2018 23:30

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 274

You deserved it 680

By hopelesss88 - 17/06/2010 12:42 - Australia

Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later his twitter account said otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 544

You deserved it 4 309

Cranking

By Lonely Wanker - 26/02/2021 23:00

Today, I started to cry while masturbating. This isn't the first time that this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 804

You deserved it 313

By Anonymous - 02/07/2014 23:20 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 791

You deserved it 5 395

By Sios - 11/04/2012 15:06 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that my apartment complex has no rules against having charcoal grills on the porch. So did the guy who lives below me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 912

You deserved it 2 781

By Anonymous - 27/01/2010 19:51 - Canada

Today, while my teacher was in the middle of a lecture, I accidentally made it so my laptop would display everything upside down. It took me the rest of class to get it right side up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 167

You deserved it 30 918

By Crushed - 04/11/2016 14:23

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip this weekend so that she won't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 815

You deserved it 1 143

By MC - 14/05/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 581

You deserved it 56 675

By TANT - 22/03/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, I decided to start working out because my friends said I'm scrawny and weak. I bought an expensive giant container of protein powder to take before during work outs. I wasn't strong enough to open the lid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 457

You deserved it 24 522

By notateen - 13/11/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, I was shopping with my baby daughter when an older woman came up to me. She glared and said, "You know, if you kids learned how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't be a mother at 16." I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 037

You deserved it 4 010

By Anonymous - 28/09/2016 13:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 204

You deserved it 2 476

Horrendous website content

By Anonymous - 20/02/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after she found a disgusting and perverted porn site on my internet history. What was this site? Reddit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 145

Gratitude

By Anonymous - 23/08/2021 19:01 - United States - Chicago

Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 172

By kittkatt1 - 11/11/2013 01:52 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 316

You deserved it 5 482

By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 05:59 - United States

Today, my cat played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 402

You deserved it 6 042

Juicer

By alcomom - 01/07/2020 02:02

Today, I spent ages prepping, chopping, bagging and freezing lots of fruits and veggies for my mom. I also bought her a juicer and alkaline water to help combat some of her health issues. I walked into the kitchen to see her mixing her juice with vodka and rum instead of the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 186

You deserved it 228

By ItHurtsLIkeHell - 01/03/2010 09:13 - Malaysia

Today, I learnt that if you accidentally sit on a hamster, instead of dying, it bites your testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 885

You deserved it 42 975

By LoveLost - 09/07/2016 02:57

Today, my husband finally broke our two-month dry spell. I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that it had been two months or that he's horrible at sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 178

You deserved it 2 737

By sasquatch - 08/09/2012 04:03 - United States - Katonah

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 708

You deserved it 33 505

By seriously - 02/10/2010 20:31 - United States

Today, I was visiting my boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away. After about twenty minutes of glorious sex, he told me in no uncertain terms that he was about to come. He then "baaa"d like a sheep as he came. I couldn't come after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 751

You deserved it 4 403

By sofuckingembarassing. - 11/02/2013 19:19 - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 145

You deserved it 7 952

By Buzz - 01/10/2017 13:00

Today, I've been caffeine-free for 2 weeks. It's turned me into a constipated angry bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 999

You deserved it 701

By idkmybffjill? - 13/02/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I was pestering a co-worker, so she jokingly stated "I'll bury you!" and I replied "I'll bury your mom!". Her moms funeral was last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 545

You deserved it 48 958

By Dhagiik - 24/02/2017 18:00 - United States - Oak Park

Today, I walked into the bathroom at work, and in the stall next to me I could hear someone pleasuring himself. I decided to let my boss know what was going on, but it turns out that it was my boss in the stall next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 033

You deserved it 1 089

By imnotacat - 20/07/2011 01:29 - United States

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 925

You deserved it 3 081

By marsbar - 15/03/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 667

You deserved it 20 053

By VerbalDiarrhea - 08/01/2012 07:34 - United States

Today, after 3 hours in a cramped car with my family, we stopped at a gas station. I got out of the car and the first words out of my mouth were, "It feels so good to be able to walk!" That's when I noticed the elderly man sitting in a wheelchair only a few meters away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 940

You deserved it 12 016

By IloveJapan - 02/04/2012 14:02 - Japan

Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 369

You deserved it 10 118

By unlucky - 19/09/2009 19:05 - United Kingdom

Today, was my birthday. I asked for a camera - nothing fancy, just a basic digital camera. My mother bought my brother a fancy digital camera, with all the accessories, for over £200. She then gave me his old, analogue camera, that I can't get film for anymore. He hates taking photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 097

You deserved it 3 052

By Anonymous - 21/12/2017 06:00

Today, I moved back to a small town after 4 years in the city. I was looking forward to getting away from the light pollution until I woke up in the middle of the night, peered into the pitch black void above my head, and had a panic attack. I need a night light at 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 877

You deserved it 867

By hesaidwhat - 15/01/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 029

You deserved it 5 887

By inconnue - 18/03/2013 22:34 - France - Lyon

Today, it was my first time with my boyfriend, at his house, in his Dora the Explorer sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 528

You deserved it 9 109

By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, I saw an unbelievably cute guy. He caught my eye and began to walk towards me. I adjusted myself and flashed him a smile. He came up to me, smiled back, and said "Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 439

You deserved it 8 346

By The_HML - 24/03/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 903

You deserved it 11 121

By argh - 13/07/2011 23:49 - United States

Today, I'm staying with my mother for a week. Every time I eat something, she tells me that it's "swimsuit season" and that I need to eat less. Every time I say I'm not hungry, she panics and insists I have an eating disorder. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 892

You deserved it 2 510

Unknown number

By Whoisshe - 17/01/2020 01:00

Today, I gave my phone number to a guy at the movie theatre. I was excited to receive a text a few minutes later, sure enough when I unlocked my phone I had received a message from an unknown number. It was his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 928

You deserved it 389

By innocent72 - 19/11/2013 21:07 - United States - Canonsburg

Today, I had an interview scheduled for 10:05. When I got there, someone was talking to them, so I sat down to wait. Little did I know this wait would be 45 minutes. I got told to go home and that I'd be rescheduled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 744

You deserved it 3 691

Phone-blocked

By unamyous - 08/06/2012 13:26 - United States - Canoga Park

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom. Her phone rang and she stopped to have an hour long conversation with her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 512

You deserved it 4 128

By Anonymous - 21/02/2014 17:37 - Germany - Naurath

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 545

You deserved it 6 119

By Not-so-good-gymnast - 27/09/2009 08:35 - Australia

Today, I removed the safety padding from around the trampoline because it seemed useless. This afternoon, I did a backflip, got my hair stuck in the springs, ripped out a chunk of my hair, and face planted it into the brick pavers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 723

You deserved it 79 933

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 25 August 2019 2:37

It is funny! That’s old school ransom-ware. How much does the “asshat” want to unlock their lock?

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Sunday 25 August 2019 2:37

It is funny! That’s old school ransom-ware. How much does the “asshat” want to unlock their lock?

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 565

You deserved it 164

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 2 727