Today, some asshat thought it would be funny to put a second...

By Anonymous

Today, some asshat thought it would be funny to put a second lock on my locker. FML

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1523

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Triage

Weird kid

Pompous twat

By in big trouble - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had an argument with my boss and tried to text a friend about it. I accidentally texted my boss instead. FML

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36347

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25883

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10503

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46434

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By habassistant - United States - North Olmsted

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

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55910

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5222

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By Sad - United States

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

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217864

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15273

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By shitforchris - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

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65368

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11612

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By seadrick - Canada - Granville Ferry

Today, I learned that not only do wood ticks have a habit of dropping off of branches onto you as you walk under them, they also like to hang out in groups of five or six. FML

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26711

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2118

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By Staples - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally stapled my finger to a piece of paper. It hurt, but I took it out and went to restaple it. I did it again. FML

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12254

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48975

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML

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39303

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2632

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By Peter Steele love - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, I was sexting my boss. I realised that I wasn't texting my boyfriend after I'd sent 2 nudes, and received many sexually provocative responses. FML

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27014

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18846

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By Anonymous

Today, during a driving lesson, I accidentally rear-ended a BMW at a traffic light. The number plate was "Law Man." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1465

You deserved it

373

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I pulled up next to a lady who was trying to text, smoke, and drive. My brother said that she was probably going to cause an accident. He was right. At the next light she hit us. She then yelled that I purposely caused the accident because, "that's how teenagers are". FML

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52070

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3430

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By Ballshurt - United States

Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting on a thumbtack is not the best way to find this out. FML

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53393

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7004

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By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. After assessing the loss, I saw a taunting note on the fridge saying, "Locks work best when the door's SHUT." My housekeeper had apparently left the door wide open. FML

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48502

You deserved it

4040

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By fucked - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

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41292

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6171

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By feminista - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I finally lost my virginity, all while in the passionate throes of an asthma attack. FML

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30970

You deserved it

3378

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By Unteachable - United States

Today, as a high school English teacher, I had to read submissions for a writing contest. The entries were filled with words like "irregardless", "could of", "acrost", and "ain't". These papers were supposedly written by the best students in the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7193

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777

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was walking to the shops when I saw my friend about 10 metres in front of me, waiting at the traffic lights, by herself. Jokingly, I shouted out "Who's that really ugly person waiting at the lights?" The girl turned around. It wasn't my friend. FML

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11923

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45052

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By - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I had a meeting with HR that resulted in me being dismissed for poor performance. I was confused because up until that point, my line manager had said my performance was exemplary. Turns out it wasn't, and he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to be stressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2697

Phew, glad it wasn't me

320

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By Dansonn - United States

Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson." I'm Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML

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200359

You deserved it

10588

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By Bandgeek

Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML

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4901

You deserved it

754

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By Kerkie - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my 12-year-old stepchild told me he’s been deliberately wetting - and sometimes crapping - the bed because he’s too lazy to get up and knows it’s someone else’s problem to clean up after him. It’s been going on for years. FML

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4494

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800

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By shut_up - United States - Roseburg

Today, after I had watched a few videos of myself, I realized the sound of my own voice is the single most annoying thing I have ever heard. FML

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48709

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5784

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a new laptop for Christmas. The picture on the box showed a woman balancing it on one finger to show how light it was, so I tried it myself. I dropped my laptop, breaking the hard drive and putting a massive crack down the screen. FML

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8012

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100333

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By kel - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

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42888

You deserved it

7447

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By - United States - Ithaca

Today, my first grade student apologized for cutting his bangs off in class, and explained that it was his mom's birthday and he had wanted to make her an origami flower. Out of his hair. FML

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7035

You deserved it

652

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By lights on forever - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I was washing up in a public bathroom, when I looked up for a second and saw a kid in the mirror staring back at me. I gasped, as I thought the place had been empty. He whispered, "It's time to die." I screamed and ran out, only to hear him burst out laughing behind me. FML

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54819

You deserved it

9171

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By Fitz - United States

Today, I had a customer scream at me for ruining their child's birthday party. They had bought a Piñata from me and didn't know they had to fill it themselves. The kids had hit it open and it was empty. FML

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54397

You deserved it

4401

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By yeahthatsme - United States

Today, I placed a personal ad advertising myself as an overweight woman wanting sex. I sent pictures of me in lingerie to men who replied and was pleased that almost all were still interested. Then I sent face pics. As it turns out, being fat is not my problem. Apparently I'm ugly. FML

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47720

You deserved it

29298

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By Vlen - United States - Phoenix

Today, I sleep during the day because I work nights. My neighbors have a very loud wedding and reception in their backyard including a live mariachi band. FML

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28827

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3410

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By aloha - France

Today, I landed in Hawaii for my vacation. I have a really bad ear infection, and to top my day off, my girlfriend blurted out mid-flight that she thinks we're not going to work out. Aloha! FML

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31123

You deserved it

2165

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By riiiight - United States - Warren

Today, I went on a blind date. The first thing the guy did was ask if I knew what it felt like to have spiders crawl out of my vagina. FML

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55294

You deserved it

5835

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By Bruce - 23/1/2021 11:01 - United States - Falls Church

New depths

Today, my sump pump stopped working so I called a plumber to fix it. It took two seconds for him to simply plug it back in. Cost me $75 for the call. FML

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314

You deserved it

848

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By Anonymous - Canada - Clairmont

Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML

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53769

You deserved it

10220

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By Anonymous - United States - Mckinney

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said "Mommy, why doesn't anyone wanna marry you?" I've been asking myself the same question for all too many years. FML

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20846

You deserved it

1950

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the school I work at, to set up my new classroom. I'm 5'1" and I was carrying a backpack full of fun educational posters. I also have a new boss. When we met for the first time he was yelling at me because "there were no students allowed in here yet." FML

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50282

You deserved it

3034

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By wormsmeat - Canada - Kingston

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27934

You deserved it

1749

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By BLEACH Gum

Great Success

Today, I decided to finally bleach my teeth. After 45 minutes of stinging pain, my teeth are still yellow as ever. My gums, on the other hand, are opaque white. FML

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2880

You deserved it

1225

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 05:01 - Germany - Norden

Work together!

Today, our cats got in a serious fight about the rights to some prime mousing territory. The territory in question? Our kitchen. FML

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565

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By :( - United States - Parker

Today, I was at a swim meet, swimming as hard as I'd ever swum before. During the last lap I saw no one in the lanes next to me. Thinking I was first, I became extremely excited. When I came to the wall, I realized the reason no one else was around: They already finished the race. I was last. FML

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52229

You deserved it

7682

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By Sayahh

Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML

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6557

You deserved it

3174

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7836174 - Sunday 25 August 2019 2:37

It is funny!

That’s old school ransom-ware. How much does the “asshat” want to unlock their lock?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7836174 - Sunday 25 August 2019 2:37

It is funny!

That’s old school ransom-ware. How much does the “asshat” want to unlock their lock?