Health: Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt to get my friend's attention. A guy sitting behind me took this as an opportunity to shove my face into the window, breaking my nose. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

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By mark - France

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

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By Robyn - Ireland

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML

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By chynna - United States - Evansville

Today, I paid $325 to have the vet tell me that my 19-year-old cat ISN'T dying, she just had anxiety shits because we were gone on vacation for so long. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 02:00

Passionate

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

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By Al - United States

Today, I was leaving the mall. I Instinctively hit the unlock button on my car keys from across the parking lot. Little did I know I was making it a whole lot easier for the guy breaking into my car. FML

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By Ew-dles

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

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By thedd - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. All my friends showed up at my house already drunk, so I had to be the designated driver. FML

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By Anonymous

Fishing

Today, I was looking at my boyfriend's rarely-used Facebook page as he was next to me. Last time he was online over a year ago, he had something up that said, "Still looking for that perfect girl." I jokingly said he should update it. He responded, "Why? It's still true." FML

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By Anonymous

The Gush

Today, I had planned to do a twenty-minute colon cleanse enema for weight loss. Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable diarrhea that’s still going strong. Eight hours and counting. FML

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By duderboi99 - United States

Today, I was writing a huge paper for a class as our last grade. My dog starts scratching himself. He hit the power button on the computer. Nothing was saved. FML

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By SURPRISE - Canada

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday. To surprise her, I told her that I was going away on business, and could not be there on her birthday. When I show up at her house to surprise her with a present and cake, she opens the door in her underwear, beside a man in his boxers. She was surprised. FML

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By oops - Canada - Okotoks

Today, while packing for a trip, my mom bumped my bag and it started to vibrate. She flew into a huge rage calling me all sorts of colourful names, thinking it was a sex toy. It was my tooth brush. FML

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By josh - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex. This afternoon I notice that they had accepted, and had left a message for me in my inbox. Asking how they knew me. FML

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By Noca - United States

Today, I was eating with my boyfriend and his family at a high-end restaurant when, suddenly, I screamed, thinking a dog had just bitten my leg. I am terrified of dogs. I kicked my under-the-table assailant as hard as I could. It was my boyfriend's adorable five-year-old sister. FML

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By Firewielder - United States - Midland

Today, I found out the only reason my parents want me to live with them is because of the tax refund. FML

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By but why

Today, when it started raining, I remembered that I'd left my kitchen windows open. I hurried to close them, but slipped in a huge puddle and slid into the wall, making a huge hole in it with my knee. FML

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By Tokany - Romania

Today, when I came home from work, my computer was drenched with water. My sister claimed there was smoke coming out of it. FML

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By not_trained_for_this - United States

Today, I was working at the school when one of the kids came crying to me about needing help with his zipper after a little "accident". Forbidden by a district ordinance to touch them in certain areas, there was nothing I could do; to which he cried and pissed his pants. Again. FML

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By TacoMan32 - Canada

Today, after months of unemployment, I finally started at a new job. The building burnt down on my very first shift. FML

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By fckmylife

Today, I found out that I'm being sued for posting on Facebook about a customer service experience with a local company. Even though we have witnesses, the owners of the store claim that we're lying about the whole thing and that we're "malicious". FML

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By xXxJoe16xXx - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my girlfriend. We bought the usual, food, Advil and condoms. While I waited in line, she went to grab everything. When she came back, I looked in the cart and saw no condoms. I asked her why she didn't get any. She replied "They ran out of smalls." Everyone laughed. FML

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By NoDocVisit - United States - Parrish

Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doc. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML

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By cheated

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been communicating extensively with his ex, who lives out of state, for over 6 months. She booked flights and a hotel nearby in a month and invited him. He didn't say no. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got fired from my first-ever job. Via text. I hadn't even started the first day but I'm expected to drive an hour and a half to my now ex-boss's house to return the key. FML

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By Crossy - Australia

Today, a friend jokingly asked who in my relationship wears the pants. My girlfriend replied, "I'm not sure, but I've got photos to prove I don't wear the skirt." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and realized I have experienced my first "nocturnal emission". I am a 24 year old male who has been married for 3 months. Guess who isn't getting any. FML

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By Chris - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Eddy

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I zoned out in a coffee shop for about two minutes and was brought back to reality when a woman smacked me out of my seat. Apparently I was staring at her chest while zoned out. FML

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By TriangularBanana - United States - Houston

Today, I babysat my little cousin. He thought that a glue stick would have the same effect as chapstick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albany

Today, my 11 month-old son started viciously biting whatever part of my anatomy he can sink his teeth into. He thinks it is hysterical to latch on while I scream helplessly in pain for him to let go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. FML

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By ewwww - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I found out where the mysterious bites on my back keep coming from. It's not every day you find an earwig in your loofah. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States

Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML

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By NotAThief - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a store to buy some noodles, but hey were out so I left empty handed. When I left, the store the alarm went off so I was called back in, and they searched my bag. They didn't find any stolen goods. They did find a dead mouse my cat must have left for me, though. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sewell

Today, my mother-in-law insisted we go to a baby clothing store. When I reminded her that I don’t want children, she sat on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. She then said I was denying her grandchildren because I hate her. Well, I didn’t... FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family and I were coming back from a trip to the US. As we reached the border patrol we realized that we were one passport short. The border patrol lectured us for 30 minutes about how irresponsible we were for not realizing that they had forgotten to give us one of our passports back. FML

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By photofaint - United Kingdom

Today, we had our whole staff photo. We all had to stand up in rows in height order, as I'm tall I had to stand in the middle, at the back. I'm horribly claustrophobic and ended up fainting in front of 100 colleagues, taking down 4 people around me. FML

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Top comments

By xXshadowrollerXx | 6

#2499879 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:32

Stuff like this gets me and angry. I know there is still a feeling of male dominance in the world, have some fucking respect, you don't just hit women, or anyone for that matter, for no reason. That guy was just an asshole, I hope someone taught him a lesson:

By rallets | 22

#2499964 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:49

i saw "raped" at first o_O

COMMENTS

By ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2499760 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:17

ouch :( first :D but that sounds painful

wisky_fml | 5

#2499825 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:23

pines, u be full o shat

Jaimegirl | 7

#2499833 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:23

I know it does D: sorry, OP!

By WOW_BS | 0

#2499762 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:17

first

WOW_BS | 0

#2499779 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:19

shit

strizz18 | 0

#2499786 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:19

actually second.. nice try though

13yearoldboy | 0

#2499802 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:21

lol

By ERich331 | 3

#2499764 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:17

haha that really sucks op :/

Black_Dynamite | 0

#2499877 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:31

Another friendship burdened by Kung-Fu treachery!

rallets | 22

#2499964 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:49

i saw "raped" at first o_O

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2499968 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:49

So did I.... Wierd..

fightin4fun | 0

#2500145 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:35

I woulda hit him and broke his

dolphincheddar | 10

#2500147 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:36

some people hate rappers. he probably liked heavy metal

YacL | 15

#2500182 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:49

Lol, a lot of people probably thought it said raped. I sure as hell know I did.

deliciouscake | 3

#2500212 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:56

I saw rapped rather than rape because the context, and I'm not too immature lol.

Iknoweverything | 29

#2500233 - Friday 13 May 2011 3:02

Did he at least ask you to stop first? Because if he asked you to stop first, YDI. If not, he's a douche that should have someone violently rap his head.

xo_kat_xo | 0

#2500242 - Friday 13 May 2011 3:07

52-me too. ...weird...

mrsflinstone | 0

#2500468 - Friday 13 May 2011 4:02

no more rapping windows for op.

GeneralGreivous3 | 0

#2500803 - Friday 13 May 2011 6:03

116- no more raping windows for op. :3

i_love_grrr | 0

#2501358 - Friday 13 May 2011 6:52

rape!!!!! giggity

pwincessa23 | 1

#2501409 - Friday 13 May 2011 7:18

I was about to hit the "ydi" because I saw the same thing as 52. oops

FreakoHolm | 6

#2501582 - Friday 13 May 2011 8:28

Gotta say, OP deserved it for rapping...

thedrummer | 0

#2501602 - Friday 13 May 2011 8:39

82, I love your picture. ;u;

xTrue25 | 0

#2502019 - Friday 13 May 2011 11:04

you are one ugly looking dude.

xTrue25 | 0

#2502034 - Friday 13 May 2011 11:06

comment to 52 - rallets

Snowstar | 0

#2502371 - Friday 13 May 2011 12:53

88- *rape

Davyy | 0

#2502453 - Friday 13 May 2011 13:12

It would hurt to rape a window.

PurpleRae420 | 0

#2502849 - Friday 13 May 2011 15:43

BEAT HIS ASSSSS did he even know your a chich? And if he did yah he deserves his ASS BEAT THE FUCK D O W N!!!! Men hurting ANY woman in ANY way phyisicaly deserves the WORST beatdown of their LIFE!!!!!

dolphincheddar | 10

#2502860 - Friday 13 May 2011 15:49

you forget that a woman probably can't even hurt a man in the slightest bit without hitting the genitalia which we are more than capable of protecting

dre_bro11 | 12

#2503450 - Friday 13 May 2011 17:55

At least the windows ok.

james_aka_frosty | 3

#2503463 - Friday 13 May 2011 17:58

you should deck that mofo

Carli_M | 8

#4994146 - Tuesday 2 October 2012 3:11

Oh ya I rape windows all the time....

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#2499773 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:18

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

YacL | 15

#2500179 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:47

Head shot!

samadams42 | 0

#2500244 - Friday 13 May 2011 3:07

+50

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2500618 - Friday 13 May 2011 4:45

I miss MW2. Damn PSN.

j_cat187 | 19

#2500624 - Friday 13 May 2011 4:46

boom bitty bie bie take one step u all gona die

nucky_fml | 5

#2501542 - Friday 13 May 2011 8:13

one shot kill+headshot
+100

By 13yearoldboy | 0

#2499774 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:18

ow. btw does anyone else hear the voices?

BAMF519 | 0

#2500020 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:03

wow ur name tells alot ur a 13 year old boy?

ripjohnlennon | 5

#2500142 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:30

no he's a 40 year old guy

ky765 | 0

#2500171 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:44

the 40 year old virgin to be exact

forgettingsunday | 0

#2500206 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:55

what happens when you turn 14?

Queene2599 | 6

#2500273 - Friday 13 May 2011 3:14

83 what if u remember Sunday?

KingDingALing | 9

#2500393 - Friday 13 May 2011 3:46

I hear the voice of a 13yearoldboy, and frankly, I want to strangle him.

fox333 | 0

#2500493 - Friday 13 May 2011 4:08

I always hear the voices they talk to me, and I talk back they are real you know, they are in my brain!!!

j_cat187 | 19

#2500628 - Friday 13 May 2011 4:48

#78 do u agree american phyco II is the best song on that album?

Heather_x0x0 | 6

#2501441 - Friday 13 May 2011 7:29

american psycho 2 is legit. but my band is my favorite....just sayin...

By MyHandIsADolphin | 0

#2499776 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:18

2 fails

By BigBoiToys | 0

#2499784 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:19

Fuck that guy up you pussy break his face... An eye for an eye

Chej | 0

#2499977 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:52

Makes the whole world blind.

bac4mor1 | 0

#2500064 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:12

You mean a nose for a face?

TheBestAround23 | 13

#6377856 - Tuesday 11 August 2015 16:05

I don't do an eye for an eye. it's more like an eye for your life. I don't fuck around

By Heather_x0x0 | 6

#2499788 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:19

first off....NO ONE cares if you're first!
op: I'm guessing you meant tapped...?

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2499811 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:21

tapping on a window is the same as rapping on one

wisky_fml | 5

#2499813 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:21

no you can rap on a window

Heather_x0x0 | 6

#2499854 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:26

oh wow...I just learned something new today...

By Plasmaxyz | 5

#2499794 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:20

Who raps on windows?

BigBoiToys | 0

#2499816 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:21

I think he meant tapped

BaskenRobin | 2

#2499841 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:25

Rapping on a door or window means knocking hard or fast

Barney_Rubble_75 | 0

#2499856 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:26

OP meant rapped. it means a knuckles connection (not like a punch), like a door knock but usually just one quick connect.

TheDoctorsAdvoca | 2

#2499895 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:36

your mom raps on my window hahaha

MrSexyPants | 14

#2500098 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:20

37 wtf? I laughed only because you put "hahaha" at the end of your own comment.

360XBOXFTW | 0

#2500732 - Friday 13 May 2011 5:24

I don't think people understand. He was literally standing on a window and rapping.

360XBOXFTW | 0

#2500736 - Friday 13 May 2011 5:28

*she

pyper87 | 0

#2501588 - Friday 13 May 2011 8:33

maybe he meant tapped on the window? not rapped. just a spelling mistake. who says " I was rapping on a window and...." that just sounds stupid.

Plasmaxyz | 5

#2502578 - Friday 13 May 2011 13:50

Well if he meant tapped then what happening with the moderating process? I thought this would be either denied or at least edited before posting. Rapping on windows... PFFT