Health: Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt to get my friend's attention. A guy sitting behind me took this as an opportunity to shove my face into the window, breaking my nose. FML

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Health

Serious times

It's the thought that counts

Modern Family

By zachhewett - United States - Birmingham

Today, at my job drug testing high schoolers, I see that one of the kids selected for the testing looked incredibly high. So, after he goes in the bathroom and gives me his cup with his urine inside, I take a closer look and see that the little shit jizzed in the cup. I hate my job. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By out of the closet - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I had to tell the third guy that my mother set me up with that it wasn't him, it's me. Apparently my mother thinks if she sets me up with enough guys, I will "date the gay out". FML

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By LittleSprout - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 11:01

Technology hates humans

Today, I had the house to myself for the morning. I decided to enjoy being alone, so pulled my trusty bullet vibrator from the drawer. I was very much into it, loving the alone time and myself, and was on the edge of climax when my vibrator died. This brought me to tears, because all I wanted to do was be alone and masturbate. FML

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By GetMeTheDamnBleach - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I smashed a spider with my pencil eraser. Later, I absentmindedly chewed on it while doing my homework. FML

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By tine - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML

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By "Nancy Marlin"

Today, I had to call the hotel we were staying at to recover some items I had left. Those items consist of a cellphone, razor blades, used batteries, and a vibrator. They have nothing to do with each other, but yes, they're at the front desk. FML

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By edgyasfuck23 - United States - Blairsville

Today, I was hiking with my uncle. We were going down a slope, and I kept slipping. He jokingly pushed me just as we approached a big drop. I ended up with three fractured ribs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Green Lane

Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2020 14:00

Mr Whiskers

Today, one of my friends was playing with a laser pointer. When he pointed it in my direction, I swatted at it away like it was a bug. Apparently, I'm part cat. FML

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By Mr.no contacts - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

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By Devil - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at the gas station, the automatic door didn't open when I approached it. I asked the cashier to open it for me, joking that because I'm a redhead, I didn't have a soul and it wouldn't open for me. The cashier freaked and wouldn't let me go until I proved I had a soul. FML

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By secretsant4

Today, at an 8 a.m. spin class, I knelt on the floor to set up my bike. The bike next to me was too close, and while the girl on it was pedaling to warm up, she pedaled down hard onto my heel, breaking my ankle. FML

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3781

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By ouchmynose - United States

Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face off of my knee and breaking my nose. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and choked on the boba in a coughing fit. FML

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By cutiekenz21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

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By aarong - United States - Tampa

Spotified

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Richmond

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

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By teachingsucks - United States

Today, after a horrible day at school, I went through the McDonald's drive thru for an ice cream cone. Everything went well until I had to pull a sharp turn. The ice cream is now no longer on the cone, but instead all over my hands, face, steering wheel, and the carpet. FML

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By Lexi - France

Today, after telling my best friend an idiot could make Kraft Dinner, I spilled boiling water all over my hands and forearms while attempting to strain the noodles. FML

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By pwib - United States - Napa

Today, a bunch of my friends have been accepted to various colleges while I've been denied to the past 5. To cheer me up, my mom drove me to McDonald's. While we were in the drive-thru, she asked them if they had any job openings. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Avon

Today, I tried to jokingly hold the door shut so my friend, who I'd seen walking down the hall to our class, couldn't get in. It was funny, until my new teacher yelled "Open the damn door!" from the other side. FML

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By RIP - United States - Lambertville

Troublemaker

Today at 10:00 pm, someone rang my doorbell 4 times, while I was sleeping. I thought it was an emergency and I opened the door to my neighbor who just want to ask if I had a blackout at noon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Palo Alto

Today, working as a waitress, I was asked by a customer, yet again, how my baby was doing. I don't have a baby, but I do look very similar to my 25-year-old coworker, who's a new mom. People confuse us all the time. Unfortunately, my crush, who was standing nearby, doesn't know that. FML

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By stonesober - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that "going for a meal and going out clubbing" for New Year's means me cooking for my mates and driving them to the pub. FML

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By N/A - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went to my gynecologist's for a check-up. After the doctor checked me I went to the bathroom. It turns out the walls aren't soundproofed, because I could hear the doctor telling his assistant, "God! How did she ever find a husband?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 08:08 - United Kingdom - London

Great expectations

Today, after making love to my boyfriend, I went upstairs to shower. After turning it on, I found a huge pimple on my leg and the prospect of popping it excited me more than my boyfriend ever had in bed. FML

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987

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By Nate - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

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34651

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By stuckonrepeat - United Kingdom

Today, I received the results of the exams that I re-took in order to improve my grades. I got exactly the same grades as before in all four exams. Point for point identical. FML

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By frankfukhergood - Canada

Today, I asked a buddy of mine if he wanted to see a movie. He said he was busy that day, so I decided to go alone. Midway through, the couple behind me is making out and kicking my seat. I turn around, and it's my ex-girlfriend making out with my buddy. FML

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55957

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By not my idea - 27/4/2020 20:00

Not now, mom

Today, my mom learned via Facebook that my ex is now divorced. She took this as a "sign from God" that he’s my soulmate, and took it upon herself to try to set us up. Not only have I not talked to this fool since we broke up in high school, I’m not sure who’s more pissed off, me or my husband. FML

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2384

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied for a dental insurance that claims "you cannot be denied". I was denied. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't evil by reminding him that he's Canadian. FML

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41160

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By Vero - Austria - Timelkam

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, my boyfriend threw little stones against my window. Unfortunately, the window wasn't closed, and I was standing in front of it. FML

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27248

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By Catfish

Today, I met the "cute guy" I've been chatting with online for a few months. He never smiled in pics, but I didn't think anything of it until I got to his place and he started talking. He didn't have a single tooth in his mouth. FML

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By kennarama - United States

Today, I sat a client down for his haircut. He pulled off his hat and his hair was dripping wet. I asked him if he had just washed it. He responded, "No, but isn't it a hot day out?" No, it's twenty degrees and overcast today. FML

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Top comments

By xXshadowrollerXx | 6

#2499879 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:32

Stuff like this gets me and angry. I know there is still a feeling of male dominance in the world, have some fucking respect, you don't just hit women, or anyone for that matter, for no reason. That guy was just an asshole, I hope someone taught him a lesson:

By rallets | 22

#2499964 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:49

i saw "raped" at first o_O

COMMENTS

By ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2499760 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:17

ouch :( first :D but that sounds painful

wisky_fml | 5

#2499825 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:23

pines, u be full o shat

Jaimegirl | 7

#2499833 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:23

I know it does D: sorry, OP!

By WOW_BS | 0

#2499762 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:17

first

WOW_BS | 0

#2499779 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:19

shit

strizz18 | 0

#2499786 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:19

actually second.. nice try though

13yearoldboy | 0

#2499802 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:21

lol

By ERich331 | 3

#2499764 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:17

haha that really sucks op :/

Black_Dynamite | 0

#2499877 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:31

Another friendship burdened by Kung-Fu treachery!

rallets | 22

#2499964 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:49

i saw "raped" at first o_O

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2499968 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:49

So did I.... Wierd..

fightin4fun | 0

#2500145 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:35

I woulda hit him and broke his

dolphincheddar | 10

#2500147 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:36

some people hate rappers. he probably liked heavy metal

YacL | 15

#2500182 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:49

Lol, a lot of people probably thought it said raped. I sure as hell know I did.

deliciouscake | 3

#2500212 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:56

I saw rapped rather than rape because the context, and I'm not too immature lol.

Iknoweverything | 29

#2500233 - Friday 13 May 2011 3:02

Did he at least ask you to stop first? Because if he asked you to stop first, YDI. If not, he's a douche that should have someone violently rap his head.

xo_kat_xo | 0

#2500242 - Friday 13 May 2011 3:07

52-me too. ...weird...

mrsflinstone | 0

#2500468 - Friday 13 May 2011 4:02

no more rapping windows for op.

GeneralGreivous3 | 0

#2500803 - Friday 13 May 2011 6:03

116- no more raping windows for op. :3

i_love_grrr | 0

#2501358 - Friday 13 May 2011 6:52

rape!!!!! giggity

pwincessa23 | 1

#2501409 - Friday 13 May 2011 7:18

I was about to hit the "ydi" because I saw the same thing as 52. oops

FreakoHolm | 6

#2501582 - Friday 13 May 2011 8:28

Gotta say, OP deserved it for rapping...

thedrummer | 0

#2501602 - Friday 13 May 2011 8:39

82, I love your picture. ;u;

xTrue25 | 0

#2502019 - Friday 13 May 2011 11:04

you are one ugly looking dude.

xTrue25 | 0

#2502034 - Friday 13 May 2011 11:06

comment to 52 - rallets

Snowstar | 0

#2502371 - Friday 13 May 2011 12:53

88- *rape

Davyy | 0

#2502453 - Friday 13 May 2011 13:12

It would hurt to rape a window.

PurpleRae420 | 0

#2502849 - Friday 13 May 2011 15:43

BEAT HIS ASSSSS did he even know your a chich? And if he did yah he deserves his ASS BEAT THE FUCK D O W N!!!! Men hurting ANY woman in ANY way phyisicaly deserves the WORST beatdown of their LIFE!!!!!

dolphincheddar | 10

#2502860 - Friday 13 May 2011 15:49

you forget that a woman probably can't even hurt a man in the slightest bit without hitting the genitalia which we are more than capable of protecting

dre_bro11 | 12

#2503450 - Friday 13 May 2011 17:55

At least the windows ok.

james_aka_frosty | 3

#2503463 - Friday 13 May 2011 17:58

you should deck that mofo

Carli_M | 8

#4994146 - Tuesday 2 October 2012 3:11

Oh ya I rape windows all the time....

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#2499773 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

YacL | 15

#2500179 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:47

Head shot!

samadams42 | 0

#2500244 - Friday 13 May 2011 3:07

+50

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2500618 - Friday 13 May 2011 4:45

I miss MW2. Damn PSN.

j_cat187 | 19

#2500624 - Friday 13 May 2011 4:46

boom bitty bie bie take one step u all gona die

nucky_fml | 5

#2501542 - Friday 13 May 2011 8:13

one shot kill+headshot
+100

By 13yearoldboy | 0

#2499774 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:18

ow. btw does anyone else hear the voices?

BAMF519 | 0

#2500020 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:03

wow ur name tells alot ur a 13 year old boy?

ripjohnlennon | 5

#2500142 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:30

no he's a 40 year old guy

ky765 | 0

#2500171 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:44

the 40 year old virgin to be exact

forgettingsunday | 0

#2500206 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:55

what happens when you turn 14?

Queene2599 | 6

#2500273 - Friday 13 May 2011 3:14

83 what if u remember Sunday?

KingDingALing | 9

#2500393 - Friday 13 May 2011 3:46

I hear the voice of a 13yearoldboy, and frankly, I want to strangle him.

fox333 | 0

#2500493 - Friday 13 May 2011 4:08

I always hear the voices they talk to me, and I talk back they are real you know, they are in my brain!!!

j_cat187 | 19

#2500628 - Friday 13 May 2011 4:48

#78 do u agree american phyco II is the best song on that album?

Heather_x0x0 | 6

#2501441 - Friday 13 May 2011 7:29

american psycho 2 is legit. but my band is my favorite....just sayin...

By MyHandIsADolphin | 0

#2499776 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:18

2 fails

By BigBoiToys | 0

#2499784 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:19

Fuck that guy up you pussy break his face... An eye for an eye

Chej | 0

#2499977 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:52

Makes the whole world blind.

bac4mor1 | 0

#2500064 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:12

You mean a nose for a face?

TheBestAround23 | 13

#6377856 - Tuesday 11 August 2015 16:05

I don't do an eye for an eye. it's more like an eye for your life. I don't fuck around

By Heather_x0x0 | 6

#2499788 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:19

first off....NO ONE cares if you're first!
op: I'm guessing you meant tapped...?

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2499811 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:21

tapping on a window is the same as rapping on one

wisky_fml | 5

#2499813 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:21

no you can rap on a window

Heather_x0x0 | 6

#2499854 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:26

oh wow...I just learned something new today...

By Plasmaxyz | 5

#2499794 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:20

Who raps on windows?

BigBoiToys | 0

#2499816 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:21

I think he meant tapped

BaskenRobin | 2

#2499841 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:25

Rapping on a door or window means knocking hard or fast

Barney_Rubble_75 | 0

#2499856 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:26

OP meant rapped. it means a knuckles connection (not like a punch), like a door knock but usually just one quick connect.

TheDoctorsAdvoca | 2

#2499895 - Friday 13 May 2011 1:36

your mom raps on my window hahaha

MrSexyPants | 14

#2500098 - Friday 13 May 2011 2:20

37 wtf? I laughed only because you put "hahaha" at the end of your own comment.

360XBOXFTW | 0

#2500732 - Friday 13 May 2011 5:24

I don't think people understand. He was literally standing on a window and rapping.

360XBOXFTW | 0

#2500736 - Friday 13 May 2011 5:28

*she

pyper87 | 0

#2501588 - Friday 13 May 2011 8:33

maybe he meant tapped on the window? not rapped. just a spelling mistake. who says " I was rapping on a window and...." that just sounds stupid.

Plasmaxyz | 5

#2502578 - Friday 13 May 2011 13:50

Well if he meant tapped then what happening with the moderating process? I thought this would be either denied or at least edited before posting. Rapping on windows... PFFT