Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him... - FML

By DaddyZ - 27/6/2010 13:30 - United States

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

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Instadrama

Compassion

Hello everyone!

By why me - 24/10/2017 01:30

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

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By showerstupid - 4/4/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend's dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML

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By doubleCoupon - 24/6/2014 18:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend excitedly told me about the number of guys who are romantically interested in her. I realized how pathetic my life is when all I could talk about in turn was the number of coupons I got to use today at the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:15 - United States

Today, I woke up and decided that I no longer give a fuck what I look like. Today is also the day a very attractive exchange student joined my private band lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2013 17:29 - United States - Davenport

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

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By Aaron - 9/12/2012 23:34 - United States - Matthews

Today, I decided to talk to a girl at the gym I had seen there a lot. I walked up to her at the station she was at and asked her out to dinner sometime. I didn't realize she had been wearing headphones. She took them off and asked if I was waiting on the station. My courage left. I said yes. FML

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By bertthelamb - 17/2/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my make up done, and $50 on a pretty new dress all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML

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By AnnoyedandAutistic - 1/6/2017 02:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied "Oh, that's just a myth." FML

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By ticketed - 28/8/2012 16:04 - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned that several thousand people in my state got tickets this month for driving and talking on the phone. My mom called to tell me this while I was driving. I'm now part of that statistic. Thanks, mom. FML

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By O - 24/2/2015 10:19 - Sweden

Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my phone", especially when important clients are trying to reach me, and how unprofessional I am. I make very sure to never miss any calls, my boss just keeps giving out the wrong number to people. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2020 02:00

Notification sound

Today, I farted during a Zoom call in front of our client. I thought mic was muted. My Team Lead had lot of things to say to me. FML

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By mybmw - 14/10/2009 10:39 - United States

Today, was my mom's birthday. I recently got my first job, thanks to her, and could finally afford to buy her something nice. I spent my first paycheck ever on buying her a very nice bracelet. She said it was nice, then asked if I would mind if she exchanged it for one she actually liked. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2009 00:27 - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

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By Chelsea - 21/4/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room and heard gunshots outside the apartment. I dove on the floor and started crying and screaming. My mom walked in and informed me that the sound was her making popcorn. FML

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By -__- - 11/8/2013 16:26 - Greece - Athens

Today, my girlfriend discovered subliminal messaging. She thought that whispering "you want to shave your beard" under her breath while I'm not looking at her, then denying ever saying it, would eventually make me shave my alleged upper-lip hair FML

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By morethanablondemoment - 28/8/2015 04:40 - United States - Redding

Today, after working 8 hours and immediately packing my house for another 6 hours to prepare for moving, I was extremely exhausted and more than ready to brush my teeth and go to bed. I tiredly brushed my teeth with my mascara. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 08:55 - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend isn't gay. Apparently, I just give good head. FML

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By sigh - 16/4/2012 03:10 - United States - Medford

Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML

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By Insomniac - 28/7/2012 09:56 - United States - Wasilla

Today, after rolling my car on the highway, I witnessed several people stop and get out of their cars to take pictures. No one asked if I was okay, and I was the one who had to call 911 for myself. FML

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By El Sayer - 3/3/2020 23:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Hey, Big Spender!

Today, I put a lock on my account because of several unknown purchases for large amounts. Turns out it was my girlfriend, without asking. Who is now mad at me for blocking her parcels. FML

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By serveandprotectyeahright - 20/11/2010 14:00 - United States

Today, a cop almost rear-ended my car, slammed on the gas with no warning, swerved around me, flipped me the bird, then cut me off and then drove a full ten miles under the speed limit. When I changed lanes to overtake him, he pulled me over for road rage. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2015 15:18 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was called a fascist and accused of being "racist" against poor people, all because some crazy meth-mouthed bitch couldn't afford some booze and expected me to cut the price by almost 40% so she could. FML

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By Lonely - 11/3/2010 12:16 - New Zealand

Today, I congratulated my friend for getting engaged. This is the fourth friend of mine this year that has become engaged. I haven't even had a boyfriend yet. FML

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By John-John - 6/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Jackson

Today, I got break-up text. She called me a poor, broke, little dick, sorry excuse for a man and said that my mom should have swallowed me "as an egg". She also said that no one could ever want me. Thing is, I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. FML

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By loveyadad - 16/6/2013 15:46 - United States - Watertown

Today, my dad came home from a trip to Arizona and brought back special hand-picked gifts for the whole family. When he got to me, he smiled, and pulled out a free lotion from the hotel at which he was staying. FML

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By madeyoulaugh - 25/11/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I was watching my 7 year old daughter and her friend jump on our trampoline. I was really impressed by all the flips they were doing, and I told her "Hey! I can't even do that." To that her friend replied " Of course you can't. You're fat!" FML

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By ToysforHire - 22/9/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator and has been using it for the past two weeks. When I confronted her, her only argument was "It's made me cum more times than you could." FML

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By loneliness - 30/12/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

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By jerry Jerry Jerry - 15/5/2020 17:00

All in the family

Today, I found out the truth about my parents’ divorce and why our family is so distant. Turns out my dad had an affair with not one, but two of my mom’s sisters. And that my youngest cousin is also my half-sister. FML

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By sk8rgurl - 28/6/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I was testing for figure skating. I was wearing a brand new custom dress that was a halter top. On my first move, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Immediately after retaking the move, my dress snapped open, exposing myself to the judges. FML

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By - 22/3/2019 20:00

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

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By embarrassment - 12/6/2009 13:46 - Canada

Today, I went to a family dinner. While waiting to be seated, a guy walked by and I looked to see if he was hot. Then my grandma yelled, "Get your eyeballs back in your head and quit staring at boys!" The whole restaurant heard her. Including the guy. And yes, he was hot. FML

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By Annonymous - 18/11/2013 18:37 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, my water got cut off. The previous homeowners owed the water company over $300, and the company doesn't believe that I'm not them. The supervisor told me this will keep happening until I pay up. I need a shower. FML

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By unknown - 9/11/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML

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By kiwi2323 - 26/9/2012 01:48 - United States

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

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By sadbride - 9/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream cake at my bridal shower. I am severely lactose intolerant, which I have been telling her for years. She responded by telling me, and I quote, "The food is for the guests." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 02:16 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at a science-fiction convention, a woman came up to me and told me that my white face paint was a mess, my contacts looked cheap, and my costume was an all-round failure. I wasn't wearing a costume, I'm an albino. FML

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By stupidity - 25/5/2012 19:30 - Switzerland - Geneva

Today, trying to look cool, I threw my coke bottle in the air, and tried to catch it with one hand. I missed and it fell to the floor. Luckily, it wasn't open, but in my unimaginable stupidity, I opened it less than five seconds later. FML

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By JJLight - 27/5/2013 03:14 - United States - Camarillo

Today, I invited my boyfriend to come to an event to meet some of my friends for the first time. I had been raving about him for weeks, and everyone was curious to meet this "amazing guy" I'd been dating. He showed up in a Darth Vader costume because he thought it would be funny to embarrass me. FML

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By Mattrd - 5/2/2013 00:42 - United States

Today, my co-worker told me that I need to quit smoking because it was making me look and smell horrible. I've never smoked in my life. FML

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