Animals: Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me,... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 342

You deserved it 89

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 138

You deserved it 1 222

22/08/2009 05:39

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 522

You deserved it 3 218

Triage

Walk on the wild side

Bullshit reason #874

29/01/2011 06:06

Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 153

You deserved it 3 186

23/03/2009 00:38

Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it a solo came on, and i turned to her and said "This is the worst F*ing solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 852

You deserved it 86 258

09/02/2009 07:51

Spicy

Today, I visited my 78 year old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 272

You deserved it 3 397

11/10/2011 11:52

Today, I realized that the redneck, hick, abusive family that my co-workers always joke about is my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 385

You deserved it 3 955

27/05/2009 07:11

Today, I was on webcam with someone and the conversation died so I said "brb". I sat there for five minutes not realising I had left my webcam on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 916

You deserved it 79 808

Innocent

By ouch! - 22/08/2020 08:02

Today, I was playfully chasing my daughter along the waterline at the beach when the biggest, buffest, lifeguard I’d ever seen full-on NFL-style tackled me. Apparently I "looked like a creep" chasing a young girl. My ribs hurt like the devil and my daughter won’t stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 065

You deserved it 145

08/01/2010 07:56

Today, I was watching Star Wars : Attack of the Clones, and Yoda was using the force to move a heavy object. While in the middle of my loungeroom, I instinctively put my hand up to use the force to help him, infront of my father and sister. My sister will never let me live it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 099

You deserved it 39 789

10/02/2019 12:00

Today, I was feeling frisky and my boyfriend was playing a video game in the living room. I started dancing in front of the T.V. with only my panties on, to which he responded, "You're every gamer's nightmare." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 162

You deserved it 1 232

11/02/2017 07:00

Today, I bought a desk for my new apartment. After ignoring the warnings on the box saying it should not be carried alone, I made it all the way to my apartment with the desk. I walked in the door and dropped it on my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 857

You deserved it 6 187

07/03/2017 00:00

Today, after much dieting and exercise, I can proudly say that my love handles are now bigger than my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 323

You deserved it 614

22/01/2010 02:49

Today, I was at my work. To urge people to be generous, I paid my friends to put 15 bucks in the tip jar while saying how great I was. He did this about ten times throughout the day. Turns out, us employees don't get to keep the tips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 950

You deserved it 28 540

08/09/2009 00:52

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 643

You deserved it 46 934

02/11/2013 05:06

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend, feeling pretty low. I said something along the lines of "You like me even when I look like shit." He replied, "Ah, that's just how you naturally look." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 061

You deserved it 7 274

01/05/2015 06:12

Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 967

You deserved it 2 579

19/08/2011 06:32

Spicy

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 365

You deserved it 3 342

19/05/2010 01:23

Today, my kitchen sink was clogged. I poured a bottle of Drano down and came back two hours later. The clog is still there, but the glue on the pipe is not and now there is Drano-water all over the floor, staining and dissolving everything in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 468

You deserved it 7 233

02/09/2018 14:30

Today, my breakfast disagreed with me and I shit myself unexpectedly at the laundromat, right after starting the washer with all of my other pants in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 704

You deserved it 283

22/07/2016 04:14

Today, I was on a plane flying home and fell asleep. I woke up to my own snoring and everyone on the plane looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 022

You deserved it 1 856

05/11/2018 08:00

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 942

You deserved it 292

Pay up

By Britishboy1991 - 09/12/2016 15:50

Today, I should be working on my big project for work due next week. Instead, I'm walking in and out of the block to get all my things from my flat. My roommate lied about paying the rent for months now and has actually spending all the money on lotto tickets. And no, he didn't win anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 504

You deserved it 758

30/07/2009 03:20

Today, my mom asked me if I was crying because my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. That wasn't why I was crying. My mom knows things before I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 950

You deserved it 3 061

Help yourself

By danielle1575 - 24/06/2021 04:01

Today, my older, pill-addicted brother, came over to visit with me. After he left, I realized all my Vicodin was gone. I got my wisdom teeth removed two hours ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 208

03/08/2010 23:54

Spicy

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 238

You deserved it 147 294

19/10/2014 11:22

Spicy

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 776

You deserved it 5 137

Cockstepblocked

By Anonymous - 19/09/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 996

You deserved it 430

06/11/2009 00:40

Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady came in with high blood sugar. She was concerned because the same thing happened to her husband. I reassured her, telling her she'll be back with her husband in an hour or so. Her husband died four years ago from something similar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 386

You deserved it 7 564

Big brain bug

By Anonymous - 09/07/2012 20:15

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 161

You deserved it 25 270

24/10/2018 03:00

Today, I was cleaning out my room and picked up my bed and found a condom. I'm 15 and still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 544

You deserved it 206

25/05/2018 16:00

Today, I broke a tooth. It’s Friday. Not a single dentist office is open. The good news? I might lose those last few pounds as I can’t drink or eat without excruciating pain. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 601

You deserved it 235

07/01/2012 11:11

Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 638

You deserved it 6 029

Hot air

By SuperSleuth - 07/10/2021 11:01

Today, right before my hubby got home and walked into the bedroom, I farted. The smell was so bad that he thought he'd stepped in shit and to looked at the bottom of his shoes for dog poop. I laughed so hard, but with a horrified look he asked, "How"? He says I've got to see a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 256

02/06/2011 17:39

Spicy

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 389

You deserved it 5 321

04/03/2009 05:15

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140 744

You deserved it 7 625

Nerd

By cole - 24/04/2009 16:40

Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said, "Hey, I love your jacket, where'd you get that?" I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 435

You deserved it 61 478

26/08/2010 23:41

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 793

You deserved it 3 713

09/10/2010 05:15

Spicy

Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 136

You deserved it 9 750

18/12/2010 16:13

Today, another man proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 702

You deserved it 4 838

Commando

By Bareital - 03/12/2020 04:01

Today, the same day I decided to stubbornly go commando because my lazy boyfriend hasn’t taken his turn to do our laundry in 4 days was also the day I split my shorts squatting down to pick up my bag at the bus stop. Ten strangers saw my bare asscrack, and two teenagers started cat calling me for my butt tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 510

You deserved it 1 418

18/12/2009 22:14

Today, I went to a park and sat down next to this older lady. These kids started to fight and scream at each other. I leaned next to her and said, "Man am I glad those aren't MY kids." She turned to me and said, "Yeah, they're mine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 428

You deserved it 32 888

22/12/2012 23:29

Today, I confronted my 18-year-old daughter about her excessively lengthy showers. She said she didn't see the big deal, considering the water "comes free with the house." No dear, it doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 833

You deserved it 6 132

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Top comments

aback 4

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Saturday 22 August 2009 12:22

At least she didn't tell it it was going to be a daddy.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 13:58

Is it just me, or is there quite a few of the "My parents like the dog/cat/animal more than me" FMLs on this site?

Comments

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Saturday 22 August 2009 12:18

My dogs ranks higher than me, all my siblings and my dad according to my mam. I think it is like that in every household. Not really FML moment. More of a OMG I'm going to have a niece/nephew.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 16:34

To OP: BIG EFFIN DEAL

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Saturday 22 August 2009 16:46

I agree. Your mom probably just expected you to figure it out when she "told the dog" and she probably didn't mean anything by it. FYL? I think not. My mom told me after she dies all of her money is going to her dog rescue...so there you go, haha. Pretty common situation, I think.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 16:52

yeah. get over yourself. not everything is about you.

andyn 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 18:55

Too true, she's not becomeing an uncle is she ;]

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Saturday 22 August 2009 19:18

OP was RIGHT next to her mother. Making this not an FML at all, because OP's mom would've know that OP could hear her. Dumb.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 19:51

you should have said "shouldn't you tell that to me, grandma?"

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:38

wow, i feel so bad for all of you with shitty moms who give more importance to their pet than to their own kids...

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Sunday 20 September 2009 2:47

lol

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Saturday 18 December 2010 21:27

pretty sure it would be hierarchy, not a food chain...

EpicSquishii 21

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 3:02

that's what i was thinking

aback 4

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Saturday 22 August 2009 12:22

At least she didn't tell it it was going to be a daddy.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 14:10

I WAS THE FATHER.

LightningrodC 3

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Saturday 22 August 2009 12:23

That's pretty amazing.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 12:25

if you just want more attention why dont you get pregnant too?.. c'mon

redbluegreen 40

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Saturday 22 August 2009 12:29

I really think she was joking in this situation.

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Saturday 22 August 2009 12:34

Haha sucks to be you

eliz3 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 12:37

food chain?

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Sunday 23 August 2009 0:56

Yes. Her mom would eat her before she ate her Dog. Which makes this an FML. haha

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Saturday 22 August 2009 12:43

yeah, my mother is annoying like that too. She will literally walk in the house and say HEY TYSON! MISS ME?!? and then speak to everyone else after she picks him up and pets him for a while. AND she will hang up with you if he starts barking bc he wants to play. :::rolls eyes:::

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Saturday 22 August 2009 13:22

So next time you're asked to babysit, you just say "ask the uncle to do it"

fretforyerlatte 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 13:24

can we get that "who fucking cares" button yet?

fretforyerlatte 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 15:33

we're not allowed to swear now or what? wtf. fine, i'll rephrase. how's it coming with that "who cares" button?