Health: Today, my parents are on holiday, which means I have the house... - FML

By partypooper - 18/01/2012 15:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents are on holiday, which means I have the house to myself. Wild parties? Hot girls? Loads of beer? No. Flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 882

You deserved it 6 670

Leave us alone

Mother of the year

OCD

By Anonymous - 18/02/2014 16:31 - United States

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 076

You deserved it 46 516

Start 'em young

By Anonymous - 03/10/2021 23:00

Today, my 3 year-old toddler wanted to try my wine. I kept telling her it’s adult juice and she wouldn’t like it. When she kept bugging me about it I gave in, and gave her a tiny sip. She liked it, and continued to bug me about it even more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 287

You deserved it 1 369

Boom, headshot

By oof - 09/07/2020 23:01

Today, my fiancé and I were discussing whether we should have a gun in the house or not. He argued that I’m too clumsy to have one. Offended, I turned around to storm off. I hit my forehead on the cabinet I'd left open and immediately started gushing blood. Point proved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 1 691

It's the most wonderful time of the year

By Demona666 - 06/12/2021 08:01

Today, I was in a car accident while driving to my brother's school to drop off some documents that he had to bring in, and forgot at home. While not even driving at 20 km/h, I started drifting on an icy spot. I hit a road sign and my car fell into a ditch. I probably have a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736

You deserved it 72

By A. Person - 07/04/2010 05:36 - Mexico

Today, I was t-boned by a car that sent mine flying into five parked cars. My car was totalled. As the person who hit me pulled me out of the right side of the car he said, "Sorry. I sneezed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 904

You deserved it 2 774

By ParanoidFreak - 31/12/2009 09:31 - United States

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 916

You deserved it 40 116

By atterz123 - 12/02/2009 13:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 914

You deserved it 5 374

By Bee - 31/08/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 358

You deserved it 91 719

By (-__- ) ( ^.^) - 11/10/2013 21:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Spicy

Today, trying to be romantic, I started coming on to my wife while in bed, only for her to yet again say she wasn't in the mood. When I asked why she never is lately, she sarcastically blamed it on the government shutdown, then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 826

You deserved it 6 301

By Anonymous - 30/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I finally stood up to the guy who's been bullying me for the last 2 years. Even though he's been caught in the act several times, he never gets punished, so I figured I'd get away with gut-punching him. Nope. An hour later, I was suspended from school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 796

You deserved it 2 619

By lonely loser - 22/08/2014 18:04 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was so desperately lonely that I begged a telemarketer not to hang up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 680

You deserved it 6 748

By Single - 07/08/2010 11:01 - France

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 271

You deserved it 6 997

By gjh - 19/01/2009 03:20 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 775

You deserved it 13 307

By Kerry - 19/06/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, all my friends had a huge party and 'forgot' to invite me. They only remembered about me at 2 am when they called asking for rides home because they were all too drunk to drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 040

You deserved it 2 596

Whoops

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 12:07 - Sweden

Today, I was late for work and got chewed out by my boss. To console myself I decided to drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. My work provides this for free. When I did, my boss told me that in fact it wasn't, nor has it ever been, free; all this time I've been stealing other people's coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 844

You deserved it 32 526

By Anonymous - 16/08/2017 13:00

Today, after house sitting for my neighbor, I realized that he has a camera pointed at my pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 107

You deserved it 265

By jobless - 07/02/2010 06:12 - United States

Today, I realized after sending out countless copies of my resume to companies, I failed to add my phone number on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 220

You deserved it 31 661

By Anonymous - 10/05/2013 19:28 - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I got into an argument, and she told me to go to my room. I refused, prompting her to slap the shit out of me. I'm 29, and she was visiting me at my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 544

You deserved it 6 439

By jaqen h'garrrhghhgfgjhfuck - 09/06/2014 21:45 - France - Toulon

Today, I was spinning some yarn around to make my new cat run in circles. After about 10 seconds, he stopped going in circles and went straight ahead, happily running several feet into the wall and knocking himself out. My bowel movements have more brain-power than this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 880

You deserved it 9 434

By paige - 27/02/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was recorded a video for my friend on her wall, I forgot to click "stop recording" and got undressed for a shower. When I got out of the shower I noticed I hadn't posted it. A few minutes later I started getting a lot of notifications. Everyone was commenting on my nude video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 177

You deserved it 51 762

Deception

By that'sokay - 12/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, I found out the guy I have been sleeping with didn't actually break up with his girlfriend. She just moved for a few weeks during quarantine. They are now living with each other, and I'm alone and confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 711

You deserved it 460

By happyturtle - 10/10/2013 11:27 - Croatia

Today, someone stole my umbrella. It was pouring heavily, and I was using it at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 279

You deserved it 3 306

Nice guy

By Anonymous - 18/09/2009 10:40 - Australia

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask a cute guy for his number. Once he had given me his, he asked for mine. My initial happiness was deflated when he said, "OK, now I can just block every message from you," and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 565

You deserved it 4 513

By dating a manchild - 01/06/2012 23:50 - Denmark - Hellerup

Spicy

Today, I arranged a romantic dinner for my boyfriend. His favourite meal, fresh flowers, scented candles. Everything went beautifully, at least until he wrapped an arm around me and whispered, "Want some dick?" into my ear. Mood horrifically ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 745

You deserved it 7 326

Geometry

By sickpuppy - 08/09/2019 12:00

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 356

You deserved it 150

By buxton1 - 18/02/2013 08:24 - United States - Ramona

Spicy

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 522

You deserved it 3 362

By jons - 17/02/2009 21:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. After getting my blood-pressure taken, my finger pricked, etc, the doctor began to ask me some questions. When asked if I was sexually active, I responded "Yes". The doctor started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 392

You deserved it 3 580

By sore - 04/01/2010 11:30 - France

Spicy

Today, I woke up with bruised nipples because apparently my boyfriend likes to excessively play with them while I sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 640

You deserved it 3 849

By hantavirus - 26/08/2009 08:44 - United States

Today, I found out that the horrific smell coming from somewhere in my kitchen was a rotting dead mouse in my dishwasher. I have been eating off plates washed in dead-mouse water for the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 825

You deserved it 11 360

By chinesef000d - 29/08/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my apartment when I woke up to the smell of smoke. Alarmed, I ran out to the kitchen to find my roommates trying to put out a fire on the stove. As soon as they saw me, they ran for it, informing me that it was my problem now. They used my good frying pan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 899

You deserved it 3 172

By CorpseBride - 07/02/2017 04:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me to talk dirty in bed for him, and my brain went blank and I panicked. I couldn't think of what to say so I suddenly blurted out, "Do whatever you want with my body. Treat it like a corpse!" He laughed his head off and I died a little inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 848

You deserved it 2 074

By happyharriet - 16/04/2009 02:32 - United States

Today, I was having a panic attack so I called my parents. My brother answered to say my parents couldn't come to the phone because they were watching 24. Its ten o'clock and 24 is not on now. They were watching 24 on TiVo and couldn't pause it to come to the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 659

You deserved it 5 356

By tooflufoschool - 14/10/2009 13:00 - United States

Today, I was in bed sick from pneumonia. I asked my boyfriend to nuke a can of soup for me. He said "in a sec, let me finish this game" and continued to play on his Xbox for an hour. Starving, I crawled out to make soup. When I sat down to eat, he paused the game and asked "you didn't make me any?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 726

You deserved it 5 511

By Bacon0426 - 04/07/2016 21:03 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 701

You deserved it 1 092

Secret unlocked

By Anonymous - 25/01/2010 08:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times, he told me, "Why? It feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence, then he then replied, "I'm not gay, I swear." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 834

You deserved it 5 166

By My eyes were on the prize - 12/03/2017 00:00

Today, at work, the most handsome guy walked in. Starstruck, I went to greet him and then take him to the owner's office, only to promptly walk really hard into the corner of the door frame, smacking my forehead. I have a massive bruise and my boss won't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 057

You deserved it 1 045

By jolene11 - 17/05/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 651

You deserved it 3 841

By inthecold - 19/02/2011 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 123

You deserved it 8 057

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I was straightening my hair for my Christmas Eve party. I put the hot straighter down on my bed for a second, and zoned out enough to sit squarely on it a few moments later. I now have burns on my ass cheek, and a six-hour party at which I can't even sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 171

You deserved it 33 054

By Anonymous - 22/02/2013 02:56 - United States - New York

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 641

You deserved it 51 362

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 18:59

Aww get well soon! *cyberhugs*

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:00

Eat some chicken noodle soup and party anyways :D

Comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 18:59

sucks to suck

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 18:59

Aww get well soon! *cyberhugs*

ShroomsOnAcid 16

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:20

Time to masturbate all night long!! Yeah!!!

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:46

I had the idea of going on xbox all night owning MW2 noobs. But what ever float your boat.

oXali 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:49

After partying you'd probably end up with the same symptoms as the flu.. Vomiting, headache, stomach queasiness. Go for broke and do it anyways bro!

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 20:07

It's okay OP you can always have a party with soup and sex and the city reruns. Yay :)

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 20:11

Omg ur eyebrows are scary ^^

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 20:31

Who plays mw2 anymore?

FirstTigerHobbes 13

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 21:03

^Don't start this shit

BostonBruinsFan 8

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 21:17

We already have started it though…the shit I mean…

urdirtyolduncle 15

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 22:02

I used to play MW2, then I took an arrow to the knee. I'm sorry, I just had to say that because I know it annoys the crap out of some people *trollface*

oXali 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 22:12

Totally didn't annoy me. Definitely got a good thumbs down though.

Damn_Hippster 11

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 22:12

Guys, the flu is way more fun then partying anyways.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 5:34

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS! But that really sucks OP

Penguinman909 7

Send a private message

Friday 20 January 2012 12:54

Your kinda lucky OP. Would you rather Flu or explosive diarrhea? I currently have the later and so I am typing this from my toilet... It just won't stop... D;

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:00

Eat some chicken noodle soup and party anyways :D

ShroomsOnAcid 16

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:30

What always helps me is loading up on vitamin C, as soon as I sense the first symptoms of getting sick. I don't know if it'll help you recover faster once it's full blown, but at least it won't hurt to try.

ShroomsOnAcid 16

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 20:44

Fuck no, 46! Chugging cough syrup has to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard. There's a time and place for everything, but getting fucked up just because you have nothing better to do is stupid and irresponsible. Damn bored kiddies.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 0:44

Omg, I love chicken noodle soup from the Chinese when I'm ill. It's the only thing I can face eating :p

Victoria16_fml 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 1:41

Better luck next time

Send a private message

Saturday 21 January 2012 14:16

Omg I love robo.. I mean, vitamin c..

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:01

Flu Party!!!

rattusrattus 18

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 20:50

Like a chickenpox party, only more mature! There have to be wild party people who want free vaccination, right?

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 6:49

Party pox make you loooose your mind! We just wanna see ya have a good time! I butchered it, didn't I?

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:02

Sucks

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:35

Good one, bigdumbdumb.

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:55

...?

FirstTigerHobbes 13

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 21:06

6- that is the best comment I've seen all day! I would give you a cookie but I ran out

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:02

Awww. Well how long are they gone for? Get well asap and party for the rest of the time!!! :D

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:02

Who said you still can't party?

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:03

Pop some pills, then party your ass off!!

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 20:36

Where he will then pop even MORE pills!

ShroomsOnAcid 16

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 21:24

Who would have guessed Carlton is a pill popper?

GhostlyGhoulish 1

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 5:34

Wasn't there an episode of fresh prince where Carlton accidentally took some pills will had in his locker?

Penguinman909 7

Send a private message

Friday 20 January 2012 12:59

Yup it was Speed and Carlton thought it was mints or something.

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:03

This calls for online gaming, soup, and a day in bed with no nagging parents

stevenJB 25

Wednesday 18 January 2012 20:35

FOR THE HORDE!! Lok'tar gar Lo'gar!

Send a private message

Thursday 19 January 2012 0:23

I don't have time to party I'm to busy raiding

Buttsexpirate 9

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 19:03

Germ party!!! And hey you get to hang out with osmosis jones and his pill friend in your body.

Send a private message

Wednesday 18 January 2012 21:50

drix that's his name right?

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 39

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123

You deserved it 32

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 24