Today, my motorcycle was stolen from the 4th level of my “secure”...

By stolenbike - 14/6/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, my motorcycle was stolen from the 4th level of my “secure” gated parking garage. I strategically park it tightly between my car and a concrete wall to limit theft opportunity. They scratched my car trying to get it out. FML

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Transportation

Work name

British Broadcasting Corporation

Business savvy

By bigdaddy - 25/9/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, while brushing my teeth my 5 year old son walks into the bathroom. He gave me a mean look and said, "That Sammy's toothbrush, not yours." I have been brushing my teeth with the dog's toothbrush for two months now. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2016 03:47 - United States

Today, my brother came out on Facebook, with a message including the words "I got nothing against gays. Except my dick!" I replied "Eww!" My second comment, "Eww because of the analogy, lol." disappeared among a load of replies tearing me apart for being a homophobe. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 00:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light next to an ice cream van. The man in it turned to me and winked, making sexual hand gestures. I felt my childhood die horribly as I watched. FML

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By kylie - 10/8/2010 07:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me, and asked if he could come over to 'have some fun'. Thinking we were going to do it, I freshened up. Turns out his idea of 'having some fun' is playing Doodle Jump and Angry Birds on my iPod. For three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2016 20:22 - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my mum wants me to see a psychologist because I've been acting strange lately. If by "strange" she means "not wanting to die any more", then sure. But thanks, I could've used that psychologist 3 years ago when I asked for one. FML

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By Unlucky taxi driver - 8/11/2018 14:00

Today, a passenger in my taxi left without paying. They left their phone, so I posted a message about it from their social media, exposing them. Turns out they'd stolen the phone from someone else. I ended up getting arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 21:05 - Canada

Today, I signed up for a psych experiment. I was a damsel in distress on the side of the highway, but no one stopped. Back at the lab, another participant said a half dozen people helped her. The professor was testing how attractiveness effects altruism. I was the unattractive subject. FML

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By shrek - 29/8/2016 10:26 - United States - Chattanooga

Today, my mother and I were watching a movie. She got up to go to bed, and I blurted out, "Please don't leave me." Her response: "You really need a boyfriend." FML

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By Emily - 12/11/2012 18:12 - United States - Hayward

Today, while sitting in a waiting room, a man assured me "The safety's on" after he handed his kid his BB gun. A minute later, I practically had a hole in my foot. FML

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By Merserve - 9/7/2020 02:00

Shackled

Today, I went over to confront my parents about how my siblings always get to visit and all I do when I’m over is work on their house or take care of grandma. My mom was very upset. Then she snuck out with my sister, leaving me to take care of grandma until she got back. FML

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By Nafypoo - 21/11/2018 22:00

Today, I was playing competitively for my clan in a tournament. Money is involved, and I was doing quite well until my girlfriend up and turned the PS4 off because I wasn't "paying enough attention" to her, despite being on a holiday with her for the previous 3 days. FML

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By Weldingtags - 28/10/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, my dad asked if I'd help him clean the gutters. I was given the responsibility of holding the ladder while he went on the roof. All I heard was laughter before a year's worth of rotting vegetation landed on top of my head. FML

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By barri - 16/12/2009 07:28 - Costa Rica

Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2015 03:25 - Australia

Today, I threw up on a police officer who was trying to do a random breath test. I wasn't drunk or hungover. I'm pregnant and suffering morning sickness. FML

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By purpletrout - 30/11/2016 06:39 - United States - Lansing

Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got him to sleep, I tried to go to bed. My husband is now snoring, farting and taking up my side of the bed. I desperately need some sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 15:32 - United States - Acton

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

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By notgoodenough - 25/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML

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By child of a crazed women - 7/4/2013 09:19 - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By ihateeverything - 14/1/2015 17:35 - United States - Granbury

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

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By Brett meek - 19/2/2010 07:41 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 14:22 - United States

Today, I went to get a nice, relaxing hot stone massage. Instead I got second degree burns on my legs. FML

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By kentrm - 11/5/2016 02:12 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

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By Author - 24/2/2014 22:22 - United States - Naples

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2017 20:00

Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2015 16:13 - United States - Inez

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

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By stupidboys - 6/9/2011 16:42 - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend after helping him study for his ACT, giving him a back rub, and having really awesome sex with him. His reason for dumping me? He's too stressed out to have a girlfriend right now. FML

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By LJ - 13/3/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, my mother finally had her beloved Siamese cat cremated. The cat has been dead for over a week and she has been keeping it on her bed, stroking its fur and saying, "She looks like she's sleeping" and "She's so cold." To top it all off, she's been calling me by the cat's name for three years. FML

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By yen - 7/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was talking to my sister about how I need to buy gifts from Santa for my daughter, when my son asked why I would be buying them instead of letting Santa bring them. My son genuinely still believed in Santa. He’s 22 years old. FML

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By SwimmingInFear - 29/5/2012 03:36 - United States - Havertown

Today, I found out where my surprise honeymoon is; it involves swimming with dolphins. I have a huge fear of dolphins, whales and sharks. FML

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By left, I guess - 12/4/2015 17:00 - Canada - Antigonish

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

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By icareaboutmyhair - 28/2/2011 15:27 - Estonia

Today, I discovered I have dandruff, which I never had before. I googled the possible reasons and those are depression and hormones. Not only have I not had sex for a year, but it's also the reason I have dandruff. And apparently I'm depressed. How sexy is that? FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 13:43 - Germany - Munich

Today, after finally finishing a huge internal rebranding project at work, which I've poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last 12 months, I found out we're being acquired by another company and that our new brand will no longer exist. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I got in an argument so intense that she left saying that we needed to spend some time apart. The argument was over what was the best PIXAR movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 17:00

Money hole

Today, my uncle kept his promise and left me his holiday house in his will. What he didn’t tell me was it’s been unmaintained for 14 years and is unfit for human habitation, has 2 mortgages, and now it and all its issues are now mine. Old, dead bastard. FML

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By fmylifechelsea - 27/4/2009 19:41 - Canada

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. They live on the 27th floor. Alone in the elevator we started making out. Turns out that theres a camera in the elevator, connected to every apartment. My grandma asked me how it was. FML

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By CityGirl - 17/7/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

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By whoops - 15/8/2016 04:07 - United States - Huntingdon

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I had cheated on her. She didn't tell or get mad, oh no. She looked at me for a few seconds then burst out laughing and called me a liar. FML

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By MegGRRRz - 28/11/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, I woke up and took my mom to work. It wasn't until after I got home, logged on Facebook and looked at the upcoming birthdays to see that it was her birthday today. No wonder she was silent the entire car ride and slammed the door on the way out. FML

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By so embarrassed - 5/1/2013 21:56 - United States - South Salem

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He wound up drinking a whole bottle of wine, and when the bill came he drunkenly yelled at the waiter, claiming it should be free, because he's in the military "fighting for your freedom". He's a mechanic in the National Guard. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 23:50 - United States - Parker

Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML

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Top comments

By aero_fml | 0

#305075 - Sunday 14 June 2009 23:20

@$6 fuck that if I had a bike there's no way in hell I'd be taking chances. FYL for sure.

By thx1138_fml | 0

#305262 - Monday 15 June 2009 0:11

I'd sue the parking complex if they advertised "secure" parking....

COMMENTS

By SergioFML | 0

#305018 - Sunday 14 June 2009 23:04

Fail.

idontfkincare | 0

#967711 - Thursday 25 March 2010 4:28

all aboard the failboat!

KJLD5 | 0

#1563961 - Monday 18 October 2010 6:59

wow what a rich bitch :P

By Metal1209 | 0

#305022 - Sunday 14 June 2009 23:05

Awww man that sucks, and is really ironic too!

mccool37 | 1

#3901700 - Wednesday 18 January 2012 4:27

Ironic?

FweakofCydonia | 40

#6493023 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:51

Ironic because his motorcycle got stolen at a "secure" parking garage.

By WormFromABird | 0

#305028 - Sunday 14 June 2009 23:06

Lmao, that just sucks... Hope your car was insured or something

By kitkatkelly | 0

#305042 - Sunday 14 June 2009 23:09

Man. Sounds like you did everything you possibly could :

By SluttyMcNugget | 0

#305053 - Sunday 14 June 2009 23:13

This isn't funny!! FMLs should have some humor in them...it says so in the moderation thingy, look:

"A good FML should be authentic, well written and make you laugh without being too shocking."

This is too shocking!! I demand that it be removed!! NOW!!

Sheepiebeepie | 26

#7413170 - Sunday 19 February 2017 22:28

Damn chill

By funsize003 | 0

#305058 - Sunday 14 June 2009 23:14

"to limit theft opportunity"
ha you sound like a tightwad to me.

By aero_fml | 0

#305075 - Sunday 14 June 2009 23:20

@$6 fuck that if I had a bike there's no way in hell I'd be taking chances. FYL for sure.

By homiecat | 0

#305093 - Sunday 14 June 2009 23:25

you should make sure you have insurance on your car...and that rly sucks FYL

By Denmark | 0

#305107 - Sunday 14 June 2009 23:29

How would you get it INTO that spot?

By um_duh | 0

#305109 - Sunday 14 June 2009 23:29

That sucks but this isn't an FML - its just a shitty situation that some asshole has put you in

Kinglue | 17

#6577402 - Sunday 10 April 2016 0:07

What. If it's a shitty situation wouldn't an acceptable response be "fuck my life"?