Damp, dark night - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 95

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 705

You deserved it 112

Damp, dark night

By Entity303 - 14/11/2020 21:32

Today, I'm staying in a hotel. The power went out while I was having a shower. So I waited for it to come back on, until an announcement came over the fire alarm, "Due to generating failure, the power will be off for the rest of the night. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused, and have a good night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 77

Age difference

Not helping

Keys, how do they work?

30/08/2012 01:03

Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived, there was a large pile of dishes in the sink. I decided to wash the dishes for her while the kids napped. She came home, noticed it, and bitched me out over how I'd only done it "to try and get more money" out of her. What? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 740

You deserved it 2 085

01/07/2012 17:09

Today, my husband and I went to the store. Because we have no car, we had to walk four miles in the 115 fahrenheit weather. It didn't click until we were standing outside the door with a metric shit-tonne of ice-cream, that we'd have to tear ass back home to keep it all from melting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 248

You deserved it 30 116

Life is a roller coaster

By Username - 02/10/2019 14:00

Today, it's my birthday and my mom took me and some friends to an amusement park. Looking for a tampon, I found a phone in my mom's purse that I didn't recognize. Turns out my mom is cheating on my dad. Happy birthday to me, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 154

The Terminator

By jobekka - 20/03/2021 20:01

Today, I called my mother to hear how my dog was doing, because she had been taking care of her while I was moving. My mom told me she had put her down a couple of days ago, cause she was sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 362

You deserved it 55

02/12/2012 23:39

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 787

You deserved it 4 510

11/12/2018 22:00

Today I saw a picture of my ex giving her new boyfriend an extremely familiar ring. Upon zooming in, I realized that it was the engagement ring i gave her that she claimed to have had stolen from her home... FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 679

You deserved it 167

13/04/2009 06:11

Today, I went to a football sleepover with all of my teammates. I felt something near the bottom of my sleeping bag, and I pulled it up with my foot. My entire team watched me pull out a red thong. My parents had been on a camping trip the week before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 184

You deserved it 4 110

03/04/2014 21:22

Today, while reading the paper I saw a picture of a guy I really like that I met online. The picture is in the obituaries. No wonder he hasn't called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 990

You deserved it 4 047

16/11/2009 06:00

Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 173

You deserved it 4 049

18/02/2013 22:15

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 841

You deserved it 3 866

27/10/2009 04:45

Today, the door to my daughter's room became jammed and wouldn't open while she was in the room. Being resourceful, I grabbed my ladder and climbed up to her window, only to end up stuck in her window. I'm not sure what was worse, getting stuck, or being laughed at by my neighbors for a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 054

You deserved it 8 616

28/06/2013 21:59

Today, I had to remove a glass bottle, complete with an ineffective pullstring, from a patient's rectum. He claimed that he'd accidentally sat on it, and later threatened to sue me for every penny if I breathed a word of it to anyone. Oops, looks like I just did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 802

You deserved it 6 367

Extreme dating

By umm yeah no! - 20/08/2021 13:59

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my new girlfriend about her terrible hygiene. In the two weeks we’ve been dating, she admitted to only having showered "once or twice." She doesn’t see a problem with this, even though the first (and last) time she came to my place, she smelled like death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 140

You deserved it 196

08/12/2016 10:57

Today, I took my car to dealer because of the loud knocking sound I heard while driving it. Twenty-four hours later, they told me it was fixed. Fifteen minutes after I drove away, the tire flew off my car while I was on the highway. My car is now totaled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 972

You deserved it 621

07/05/2011 13:56

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 691

You deserved it 7 492

22/06/2012 14:11

Today, I went on a long flight. I was fortunate enough to sit next to a great girl. However, she must have thought I was not so great, because she moved to the empty seat across the aisle. Next to my dad. Who then told stories about how I always get motion sickness on airplanes. I then threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 676

You deserved it 3 699

11/11/2013 23:58

Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 049

You deserved it 4 309

22/03/2013 00:35

Today, I found out my mom thought I was a lesbian because I dated a girl in high school. I didn't date anyone in high school. Apparently, guys never asked me out because my best friend told everyone that I was her girlfriend. I had a two-year lesbian relationship that I never knew about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 174

You deserved it 3 550

26/06/2015 16:38

Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 472

You deserved it 2 833

Crushed

By Danielle - 02/08/2020 08:08

Today, I was disassembling a tent after a week of camping when I felt a crunch under my bare foot. I lifted up the tarp I was standing on to find a now squashed mouse. Mice are my favorite animals, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go camping again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 285

You deserved it 476

Polly wants it

By Kelly - 23/07/2020 02:01

Spicy

Today, at work, I booked a vet appointment for an African Gray to get a birth control implant. I didn’t even know that was a thing and I definitely never thought that a parrot would have a more active sex life than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 312

You deserved it 159

23/01/2009 00:42

Spicy

Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 715

You deserved it 8 646

20/02/2015 21:26

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 931

You deserved it 2 751

12/02/2010 05:03

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating is heavily into a mystical card game and spends all of his money going to "Magic" card conventions across the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 090

You deserved it 28 676

07/10/2016 05:38

Today, I was house-hunting online. I was becoming increasingly discouraged and began to look for mini-houses in absurd desperation. I noticed the Google sidebar advertising a cute mini house within my budget. Excited, I clicked on the ad - only to discover it was an ad for a child's playhouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 462

You deserved it 1 439

Burned!

By nali1122 - 22/10/2019 12:00

Today, I received a text forward from a good friend inviting me to his birthday party. Jokingly, I texted back, "No. I hate you and I don't want to go to your lame party." He replied with an apology for the mix-up, because he'd accidentally sent me the invite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 569

You deserved it 2 506

05/12/2014 15:44

Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 795

You deserved it 2 456

17/05/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had a fight about his parents. We're both 23-year-old university students who aren't allowed in his bedroom unless the door is completely open. Nothing he says to his parents will change this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 638

You deserved it 681

Call 'em now

By Anonymous - 01/08/2021 02:01

Today, I had to tell my adult daughter that living in a pigsty house, breastfeeding when she can be bothered, changing a nappy only once a day, and leaving the baby at any relative's house while she shops is not adequate parenting, and unless she improves, I’m getting social services involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 108

02/10/2010 23:08

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 351

You deserved it 10 355

03/10/2016 16:18

Today, I purpose woke up early so that I could be prepared for a class taught by a professor who thinks I'm an idiot. This professor was the first to tell me that I'm 2 hours early and asked very slowly if I know how schedules worked. She seriously sounded concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 762

You deserved it 3 503

14/10/2010 08:24

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 315

You deserved it 3 292

12/03/2010 16:55

Today, while celebrating at my friend's birthday party, I fell down a flight of stairs, got into a fight with my flatmate, and ruined my friend's outfit after drinking too much. I'm expecting I'll need to find a new place to live tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 656

You deserved it 32 053

19/12/2011 17:48

Today, thanks to some asshole with a padlock, I got trapped in porta potty for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 767

You deserved it 2 825

02/10/2011 22:14

Today, I came home crying after my boyfriend dumped me for another girl. My dad told me to come tell him what was wrong. I sat down and let it all out, after which he looked up from his book, into my eyes, and gave me his loving advice: "Just cry about it and move on to another bastard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 972

You deserved it 7 923

12/03/2010 17:24

Today, I found out that after reuniting with an old boyfriend, getting close with his two year old son, and moving closer to him to properly be a part of their lives, he got back together with his ex wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 303

You deserved it 6 185

20/10/2009 15:57

Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 775

You deserved it 2 827

24/09/2009 23:50

Today, it was our wedding anniversary. My husband takes me and our young son to a family-style chain restaurant. Hoping for a little romance, I ask him what he's excited about in our future, and he says how we shouldn't eat out like this anymore so we can afford to pay our income taxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 545

You deserved it 4 247

12/04/2016 12:29

Today, my friend invited me to his boxing club for the first time. Since I'm somewhat short and scrawny-looking, he was worried that the workout would be too difficult for me. I waved him off and told him that I was tougher than I looked. Five minutes into class, I sprained my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 866

You deserved it 4 892

Classic mistake

By Anonymous - 21/08/2021 02:01

Today, I waved at my crush, but he waved at someone behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 70

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 14 November 2020 17:21

Currently you are powerless with little potential to change that because there's too much resistance and you don't have the capacity to induce it. How re-volt-ing! Watt are you going to do with your amp-le free time? In such a ground state, you should have just stayed ohm.

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Saturday 14 November 2020 22:55

The Pun-isher will never die!

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 14 November 2020 17:21

Currently you are powerless with little potential to change that because there's too much resistance and you don't have the capacity to induce it. How re-volt-ing! Watt are you going to do with your amp-le free time? In such a ground state, you should have just stayed ohm.

Send a private message

Saturday 14 November 2020 18:15

Dude! Thats fucking hilarious 🤣. I love it!

Yuno Senju 4

Saturday 14 November 2020 18:18

This is insult to injury

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Saturday 14 November 2020 22:55

The Pun-isher will never die!

Iamthebanzai22 18

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Saturday 14 November 2020 21:38

Let me guess: Africa?

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 15 November 2020 18:18

Buzzz!!! Wrong. The correct answer is India, you racist piece of shit.