Miscellaneous: Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call...

By butimarealbear - United States

Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call him 'Panda'. FML

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35593

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3240

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Miscellaneous

Messed up

Get it on, bang a gong

Waiting for that special someone

By tacolove69 - United States

Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18679

You deserved it

3335

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By thisisstupid_17

Today, I met up with my boyfriend early before work to have some "fun time". We hadn't had sex in a while and decided to try it doggy style, up against the wall. We had been doing it for about 15 minutes until he abruptly stopped and said, "I don't know if it's in." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12630

You deserved it

1318

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By TheJeremyMoe - United States

Today, my bike was stolen. Partially. Since I always locked it up, some asswipe thought it would be funny to steal the handlebar stem and the seat, leaving the actual handlebar dangling by the brake cables. Since there was no way to steer or sit, I had to carry my bike one mile back to my dorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1605

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By Musicfreak - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza. I paid and tipped the pizza guy, and instead of saying goodbye, I got tongue-tied and said, "I love you, boo." FML

I agree, your life sucks

16577

You deserved it

30684

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By Unloveable - United States - Priest River

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me over video chat. Two days before I was to move across the country to be with him. All of my things are already shipped. He said he thinks of me as a sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16308

You deserved it

1074

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By Harry641 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, I got accused of ruining my girlfriend's birthday, all because I accidentally got her the same birthday present as her mother did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21270

You deserved it

1499

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32728

You deserved it

91662

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML

I agree, your life sucks

45728

You deserved it

3608

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By city_girl - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32957

You deserved it

2528

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By Anonymous - United States - Roxboro

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill. My cat ate it before I could pick it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20263

You deserved it

2760

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was walking through town when a rough looking woman asked me for a cigarette. I don't smoke but I offered her some apples, and she took two. As I continued on past her, she pegged both of them at me, hitting the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40135

You deserved it

11859

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 02:08 - Canada

Cougar

Today, I was at the laundromat doing laundry with my mom when the guy running the place asked if we were "together". I thought this was just because of Covid and social distancing, but it turns out he thought my mom was my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

714

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By hermit's life - United States - Sellersburg

Today, I learned that instead of spending Christmas alone with my cat, enjoying chicken quesadillas and a tin of tuna while watching only the best cartoons, my mother's coming over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8288

You deserved it

1337

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By left out - United States - Spencer

Today, I sang "happy birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55742

You deserved it

4176

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By DaigCrainielson - 12/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Sun Valley

Mystery

Today, I found out I had 3/4s of a Cheezit stuck in my sinus. No one knows how it got there, but the doctors found it while testing for COVID. I have an appointment soon to remove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

946

You deserved it

189

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By Pain - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my cigarette down my shirt. There are now two unsightly, painful burns right in the center of my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12957

You deserved it

72070

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By fail - United States

Today, I found out yet another of my guy friends liked me. I posted that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34827

You deserved it

67720

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By Bellend - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed a flash car badly parking itself in a handicapped space. I hate the asshats who do this, so I went up to berate the driver. After an opening salvo of coarse language, a glint of light on his wheelchair in the back caught my eye. I then had to apologise for being a shitehawk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6601

You deserved it

42452

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By whyeventry? - United States - Neenah

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57976

You deserved it

12669

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By Joey - United States - Apo

Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmothers items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18951

You deserved it

2578

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By George Saunders - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8061

You deserved it

53290

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By _philliesfan - United States

Today, I was prioritizing my extreme amount of homework. I read over the front page of my psychology paper seeing that it was pretty easy questions, I decided to do it last. Little did I know there was a 8 page essay on the back of the page. It's 12:19 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36627

You deserved it

21085

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By Romantic - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work to find a path of rose pedals from the front door. Gasping with surprise, I followed it past the living room... past the bedroom... into the kitchen, where there was a note that said "Friends coming over tonight, we need food, love you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36092

You deserved it

4130

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50082

You deserved it

3942

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By latenightbite - United States

Today, I found out why my roommate and best friend comes home late three nights a week. She goes to get drunk with some guy, then goes back to his house to hook up. Who is this guy? The guy I've been dating for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38051

You deserved it

3075

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By officekid

Today, a woman from my office called, asking who was in. Only one other woman was in the office. I couldn't remember her name, so I had to awkwardly guess random names while both women listened, obviously aware of what was going on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1181

You deserved it

611

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewistown

Today, I am sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, this dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7048

You deserved it

687

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By Katherine - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29528

You deserved it

6463

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By pinkjade - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32831

You deserved it

3512

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By Teacher - United States - Phoenix

Martha Lucy Queen Jr.

Today, I asked students to identify a woman that made a difference in history. I got several people answering Martin Luther King Jr. These are 9th graders. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5839

You deserved it

504

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - Aldershot

Welcome to the world!

Today, I helped deliver the baby belonging to the woman my husband left me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2403

You deserved it

133

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By Jenn - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm during which I simultaneously shit myself and vomited. So thankful my new partner was present. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5202

You deserved it

600

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By Anonymous - United States - Elmont

Today, I received a pair of earrings, a necklace, and some rings as a Christmas gift from my grandma. This would have been nice if I weren't a guy. This is her way of mocking me for wearing what she calls "girl colors", such as white. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42849

You deserved it

3350

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By kbeavv - United States

Today, I read my mom's Facebook status. It said, "So sick of kids, can't wait for Vegas this week!" My dad, along with 12 others, liked it. I didn't even know she was going to Vegas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29872

You deserved it

4780

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By reallydevonte - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

13747

You deserved it

1099

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By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

Today, I went to a wake. When my dad picked me up, I was still pretty upset. Just when I'd had enough of death, the car hits a raccoon on the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39282

You deserved it

4894

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21099

You deserved it

7315

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Today, my best female friend got dumped. Seeing how I was alone when I got dumped, I didn't want her to feel the same, so I was nice to her and tried to help her as much as I could. I've now been getting constant messages from our mutual friends, telling me to stop hitting on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4872

You deserved it

501

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By damn it rose - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60289

You deserved it

8104

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By i fking love docb - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Christiansted

Today, I watched my girlfriend slowly floss her teeth, and then eat what showed up on the floss. FML

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28683

You deserved it

3306

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Top comments

By green_eggs_and_h | 0

#2883902 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:00

Or Po.

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2883944 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

Panda no like being called regular name. Panda strong like warrior!

COMMENTS

By green_eggs_and_h | 0

#2883902 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:00

Or Po.

OWNZ | 0

#2884021 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:06

Sounds like she cant BEAR the thought of calling him Panda!

whyXD | 12

#2884043 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:07

Then call him panda.

Keyman1212 | 14

#2884052 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:09

Hey, you can tell your friends your mom is fucking a Panda! You'll be the coolest kid on the block.

Flutist | 3

#2884079 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:11

Sad Panda just want love.

iLove2LoveU | 0

#2884450 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:51

I don't see the FML in this! your moms dating a guy named panda!! awesome!!

dolphincheddar | 10

#2884471 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:54

pandas are awesome. they are black, white and asian at the same time!

chaps93 | 6

#2884492 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:57

Pablo Sandoval?

dummbrunette | 0

#2884759 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:27

if he starts making you call him "Puff Daddy" that's when you should start worrying

juicedboi | 7

#2884778 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:29

Don't be racist, be a Panda lover. Black White and Asian.

zendaddy0 | 0

#2884870 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:41

so what dude has a nickname

Iamaninchworm | 0

#2884894 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:44

Oh maker save me from 13s bad puns by releasing a blight to devour him...

Andrew1122 | 0

#2884956 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:52

isn't that better than Big Daddy

lalala2589 | 0

#2885292 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:00

He better make some good noodles. Noodles or gtfo.

mmorgan9218 | 5

#2885582 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:45

DA reference?

imustbeinsane | 2

#2885595 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:47

Sexual Harrasment Panda

chuckychan | 8

#2886598 - Thursday 14 July 2011 1:18

wadda player

rockindyl22 | 0

#2887172 - Thursday 14 July 2011 3:11

Real life pedobear?

Cokie_the_Clown | 5

#2887240 - Thursday 14 July 2011 3:24

Pedo the Panda.

Crncj | 0

#2887537 - Thursday 14 July 2011 4:30

mommy and panda

12em12 | 1

#2888674 - Thursday 14 July 2011 7:58

He's pedobear in disguise.

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2893373 - Friday 15 July 2011 2:23

Big Panda want sex NOW

ShakeMeDown | 12

#2894742 - Friday 15 July 2011 5:18

he must be asian

coffeygirl12 | 14

#2902814 - Saturday 16 July 2011 3:11

I think he's my uncle... we don't talk to him...

Manganimegrl | 16

#3958926 - Sunday 29 January 2012 1:12

Now I want to make my friends call me Panda!!

By wooni0104 | 2

#2883908 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:01

he must be Asian.

wooni0104 | 2

#2883963 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:03

dang I just said he must be asian

By BattlingJason | 14

#2883909 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:01

Is he a black belt?

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2884250 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:26

and that doesn't set off any crazy indicators with your mom?

daBeast155 | 0

#2884369 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:42

just be careful of his lectures of sexual harassment

daBeast155 | 0

#2884371 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:42

just be careful of his lectures of sexual harassment

daBeast155 | 0

#2884374 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:42

just be careful of his lectures of sexual harassment

zukinihudini | 0

#2884964 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:53

i know someone that goes by Panda

LardZilla | 11

#2885256 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 21:53

No, he's a dragon warrior.

hiyourcute | 0

#2886612 - Thursday 14 July 2011 1:21

No, he's pablo sandoval

ArentICute | 0

#2888351 - Thursday 14 July 2011 6:56

No, he's Chuck Norris.

By littobunnay | 0

#2883930 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

at least it's not the Kung Fu panda :)

yo_bro_hoe | 5

#2884678 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:18

that would be awesome! lol

NatandAlexrhot | 6

#2885419 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:29

I love pandas :3

ImmortalKratos | 0

#2885970 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 23:48

jack black is annoying -__-

SoKeshaHasWeed | 0

#2908729 - Saturday 16 July 2011 23:16

Maybe he wants to be like Eminem in 8 Mile and have an animal nickname...

By hellokat1 | 0

#2883932 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

He sounds like a keeper!

ChrisIsANinja | 3

#2883991 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:05

Definitely!

PurpleWaffles | 2

#2884411 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:46

Yeah, in the basement.

TheOtherMakona | 0

#2884479 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:56

With a shovel.

Mysanitywins | 10

#2884509 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:58

With no lights on.

iAmScrubs | 19

#2884732 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:22

While wearing a hockey mask.

dummbrunette | 0

#2884822 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:34

I wouldn't even poke it on Facebook.

Iamaninchworm | 0

#2884905 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:46

Wearing a swimsuit with a crotch hole.

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2883944 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

Panda no like being called regular name. Panda strong like warrior!

DarkHelmet | 10

#2884187 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:19

LOL Classic!

Carebear423 | 0

#2884831 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:36

I freaking love all your comments iAmScrubs.

ebroski6 | 0

#2887234 - Thursday 14 July 2011 3:23

I am scrubs is what makes FML so funny

hmbsfp | 0

#2888639 - Thursday 14 July 2011 7:50

iamscrubs u always make my day!

By Mi24hind | 0

#2883981 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:05

So, people are switching from vampires to Panda's? Oh joy.

daxter136 | 0

#2884742 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:24

yay about time the panda takes over those dumb vampires who look so fake

Iamaninchworm | 0

#2884920 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:48

And why are you saying this like its bad??? Pandas foreva.

iSitt | 0

#2885209 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 21:39

maybe that will get the preteens out of the science fiction. isles at the bookstires.

By Shayton | 12

#2883999 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:05

does he know kung fu?

By lindon555 | 0

#2884015 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:06

does he look like a panda?

By SwaggerMelon | 6

#2884022 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:06

Is it really you ChillLaxBroPandaLanders?