Miscellaneous: Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 103

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 602

You deserved it 40

13/07/2011 13:11

Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call him 'Panda'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 616

You deserved it 3 243

Miscellaneous

Stop talking!

Triage

Sweet, my ass

09/05/2017 02:00

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 212

You deserved it 1 723

04/08/2012 19:14

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to ride a bike with no training wheels. After comforting her and assuring her that she'd be fine, I gave her a big push. She fell forward over the handlebars and scraped her chin on the front wheel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 158

You deserved it 26 769

03/05/2009 20:09

Today, I went to a Bat Mitzvah. We played a game where all of the girls grabbed one of their shoes and placed it in the middle. Then, all of the guys had to pick a shoe. Whatever guy picked the shoe, the girl had to dance with. No one picked my shoe. Everyone else was dancing except for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 334

You deserved it 5 088

Baked

By Ooops - 12/09/2019 22:02

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 214

You deserved it 546

28/06/2013 19:41

Today, a girl from my college, who's been following me around for months, finally asked me out. Not being interested, I politely declined. Now she's convinced everyone that we hooked up and that I have an incredibly small penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 668

You deserved it 7 439

22/08/2009 04:43

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report I found out that instead of saying "Thank you" I had said "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting my $150 bonus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 032

You deserved it 2 981

07/08/2012 14:49

Today, I discovered that I sometimes talk in my sleep. After spending an amazing, perfectly romantic night with my boyfriend, I woke up to him telling me to leave. I have no idea what I could have said. He still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 584

You deserved it 3 046

23/03/2013 20:15

Today, after I had changed my number to get away from my abusive ex, my mom decided to give him my new one. She insists that I need to give him another chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 067

You deserved it 3 412

05/04/2012 11:29

Today, while talking to my girlfriend, the subject of Darth Vader came up. That's when she asked me, "Aren't Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker the same person?" I don't know what's worse, the fact that she asked me that, or the fact that I got upset over her lack of Star Wars knowledge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 260

You deserved it 13 524

08/03/2009 18:10

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 945

You deserved it 4 943

06/12/2014 16:10

Today, my daughter decided it'd be funny to change the time on my clock. My boss didn't think it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 828

You deserved it 2 926

09/03/2016 00:29

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 901

You deserved it 1 387

27/03/2015 13:12

Today, my stomach started to hurt. When I got home, my parents had company over, which I had to rush past to use the bathroom. After being in the bathroom for about 3 minutes, my mother yells to me from the other room, in front of the guests, "Are you OK in there?" I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 421

You deserved it 4 062

Time to grow a beard?

By Ben - 03/08/2017 23:00

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 856

You deserved it 449

26/08/2017 04:30

Today, out of boredom, I decided to clean shave my beard and moustache for the first time in 3 years. My new nickname at work is The Crimson Chin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 202

You deserved it 569

10/11/2017 22:08

Today, a 5th grader tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, “Don’t ever watch Two Girls, One Cup. Trust me.” While I appreciate the advice, I am dreading the phone call home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 751

You deserved it 277

18/05/2013 05:22

Today, I took a nap, and I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend got back together with me. I woke up in a great mood. When I went back to bed, I dreamed that she broke up with me, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 580

You deserved it 6 197

23/09/2014 12:00

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 028

You deserved it 3 437

04/12/2013 20:25

Today, I found out who's been stealing clothes from me during swim practice. She called me a liar, despite wearing one of my sweaters, which has my initials stitched into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 448

You deserved it 2 766

24/04/2009 07:25

Today, I received my camera in the mail that my mom sent from home since I forgot it when I moved to Italy. It was wrapped in 4 layers of bubble wrap and packed in foam peanuts to keep it from getting broken. As I was removing the last layer of bubble wrap I dropped it, breaking the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 793

You deserved it 48 206

17/07/2009 15:01

Today, while backpacking in Switzerland I had my camera stolen. Not only does this have photos of my entire trip but the pictures I took for my best friend's wedding. I was the only photographer of her elopement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 051

You deserved it 12 180

18/02/2009 09:16

Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 071

You deserved it 5 255

8 out of 10 dentists

By Anonymous - 03/01/2021 08:02

Today, my 45 year-old sister blamed my parents yet again for losing one tooth after the other because they did not tell her to brush her teeth before going to bed. It's general knowledge, honey. And somehow, I still have all my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 1 601

29/11/2011 13:31

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 869

You deserved it 2 860

18/10/2009 11:29

Today, my girlfriend and I had the weekend all to ourselves. On the second day, we finally got intimate, with me doing all she asked of her. In return for hard-work, she took my meat in her hand and started making lightsaber noises, before pronouncing "I don't see why people like it so much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 880

You deserved it 3 530

06/02/2013 11:12

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 503

You deserved it 36 032

14/10/2009 13:00

Today, I was in bed sick from pneumonia. I asked my boyfriend to nuke a can of soup for me. He said "in a sec, let me finish this game" and continued to play on his Xbox for an hour. Starving, I crawled out to make soup. When I sat down to eat, he paused the game and asked "you didn't make me any?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 719

You deserved it 5 511

03/03/2017 12:00

Today, I was stuck in a window seat next to the biggest/angriest man I've ever seen. During the trip I reached down to pick up what I thought was my pillow but instead managed to pull off his huge sock. Couldn't put it back so had to pretend I had no idea why he was glaring at me when he woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 836

You deserved it 940

28/03/2014 20:25

Today, my grandma reduced me to a sobbing wreck in two short sentences, just to win a bet against my mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 614

You deserved it 4 806

Early show

By Anonymous - 26/01/2020 20:00

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 427

You deserved it 489

11/03/2012 01:41

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Every time when I touched her, the jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 553

You deserved it 3 342

04/08/2013 05:29

Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my underwear. They asked if they could use them to go parachuting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 205

You deserved it 6 978

Neat and tidy

By jjhach - 26/07/2021 16:57

Today, while fishing my remote out from behind the couch, I found my fiancé's stash of old toenails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 712

You deserved it 3 596

Furry

By Anonymous - 04/06/2020 17:00

Today, my boss fired me because someone hacked our website and replaced pictures of our products with furry porn (don’t Google it, it’s weird as fuck). We don’t have an IT department, but since I spend the most time on the computer controlling stock and purchases, he blamed me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 472

You deserved it 139

17/03/2016 11:42

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 491

You deserved it 1 391

Poor old Kermit

By FrogMyLife - 30/07/2021 14:59

Today, I've been single for so long, I very nearly had a wet dream about an anthropomorphic frog. A FROG. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 151

04/08/2015 20:56

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 558

You deserved it 2 039

Control freak

By Anonymous - 09/10/2019 13:00

Today, after over a month of planning, my friend had to cancel her first night out in over a year. Why? Because her "perfect" fiancé didn't want to, and started sulking when she tried to, so decided to put off letting her go out for a few more months. Apparently, it's my fault this happens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 556

You deserved it 133

20/02/2017 06:00

Today, I had sex with a coworker I've had my eye on for awhile. Immediately after, he turned on the light and got on his phone. Me, trying to start a conversation, I said "Well, that was fun." He looked at me and said, "Was it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 893

You deserved it 1 710

09/07/2018 15:00

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 188

You deserved it 343

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Top comments

green_eggs_and_h 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:00

Or Po.

iAmScrubs 19

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

Panda no like being called regular name. Panda strong like warrior!

Comments

green_eggs_and_h 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:00

Or Po.

OWNZ 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:06

Sounds like she cant BEAR the thought of calling him Panda!

whyXD 12

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:07

Then call him panda.

Keyman1212 14

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:09

Hey, you can tell your friends your mom is fucking a Panda! You'll be the coolest kid on the block.

Flutist 3

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:11

Sad Panda just want love.

iLove2LoveU 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:51

I don't see the FML in this! your moms dating a guy named panda!! awesome!!

dolphincheddar 10

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:54

pandas are awesome. they are black, white and asian at the same time!

chaps93 6

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:57

Pablo Sandoval?

dummbrunette 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:27

if he starts making you call him "Puff Daddy" that's when you should start worrying

juicedboi 7

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:29

Don't be racist, be a Panda lover. Black White and Asian.

zendaddy0 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:41

so what dude has a nickname

Iamaninchworm 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:44

Oh maker save me from 13s bad puns by releasing a blight to devour him...

Andrew1122 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:52

isn't that better than Big Daddy

lalala2589 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:00

He better make some good noodles. Noodles or gtfo.

mmorgan9218 5

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:45

DA reference?

imustbeinsane 2

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:47

Sexual Harrasment Panda

chuckychan 8

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Thursday 14 July 2011 1:18

wadda player

rockindyl22 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 3:11

Real life pedobear?

Cokie_the_Clown 5

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Thursday 14 July 2011 3:24

Pedo the Panda.

Crncj 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 4:30

mommy and panda

12em12 1

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Thursday 14 July 2011 7:58

He's pedobear in disguise.

Iamnotmyself 17

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Friday 15 July 2011 2:23

Big Panda want sex NOW

ShakeMeDown 12

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Friday 15 July 2011 5:18

he must be asian

coffeygirl12 14

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Saturday 16 July 2011 3:11

I think he's my uncle... we don't talk to him...

Manganimegrl 16

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Sunday 29 January 2012 1:12

Now I want to make my friends call me Panda!!

wooni0104 2

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:01

he must be Asian.

wooni0104 2

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:03

dang I just said he must be asian

BattlingJason 14

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:01

Is he a black belt?

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:26

and that doesn't set off any crazy indicators with your mom?

daBeast155 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:42

just be careful of his lectures of sexual harassment

daBeast155 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:42

just be careful of his lectures of sexual harassment

daBeast155 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:42

just be careful of his lectures of sexual harassment

zukinihudini 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:53

i know someone that goes by Panda

LardZilla 11

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 21:53

No, he's a dragon warrior.

hiyourcute 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 1:21

No, he's pablo sandoval

ArentICute 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 6:56

No, he's Chuck Norris.

littobunnay 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

at least it's not the Kung Fu panda :)

yo_bro_hoe 5

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:18

that would be awesome! lol

NatandAlexrhot 6

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:29

I love pandas :3

ImmortalKratos 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 23:48

jack black is annoying -__-

SoKeshaHasWeed 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 23:16

Maybe he wants to be like Eminem in 8 Mile and have an animal nickname...

hellokat1 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

He sounds like a keeper!

ChrisIsANinja 3

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:05

Definitely!

PurpleWaffles 2

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:46

Yeah, in the basement.

TheOtherMakona 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:56

With a shovel.

Mysanitywins 10

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:58

With no lights on.

iAmScrubs 19

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:22

While wearing a hockey mask.

dummbrunette 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:34

I wouldn't even poke it on Facebook.

Iamaninchworm 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:46

Wearing a swimsuit with a crotch hole.

iAmScrubs 19

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

Panda no like being called regular name. Panda strong like warrior!

DarkHelmet 10

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:19

LOL Classic!

Carebear423 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:36

I freaking love all your comments iAmScrubs.

ebroski6 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 3:23

I am scrubs is what makes FML so funny

hmbsfp 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 7:50

iamscrubs u always make my day!

Mi24hind 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:05

So, people are switching from vampires to Panda's? Oh joy.

daxter136 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:24

yay about time the panda takes over those dumb vampires who look so fake

Iamaninchworm 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:48

And why are you saying this like its bad??? Pandas foreva.

iSitt 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 21:39

maybe that will get the preteens out of the science fiction. isles at the bookstires.

Shayton 12

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:05

does he know kung fu?

lindon555 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:06

does he look like a panda?

SwaggerMelon 6

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:06

Is it really you ChillLaxBroPandaLanders?