Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call...

By butimarealbear - 13/7/2011 13:11 - United States

Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call him 'Panda'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35553

You deserved it

3211

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Proactive

Family values

Fear factor

By Nobody - 27/11/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62357

You deserved it

3235

Favorite

By pornstorebitch - 23/10/2019 00:01

Knock yourself out, dude

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1615

You deserved it

177

Favorite

By JJ_V3N0M - 3/1/2015 10:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday, so I decided to take her to a fancy restaurant and give her an expensive $400 necklace that I had bought. Being traditional, I asked the waiter to arrange it nicely on the tray when he came with our dessert. Neither he nor the necklace ever showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44764

You deserved it

9321

Favorite

By quarantine hell - 31/3/2020 17:00

Quid pro quo

Today, I called my sister and asked if she could watch my baby while I went to the store for desperately needed groceries and supplies. She refused, despite the fact that she's randomly dropped off her three rambunctious boys more times than I could count so she could go clubbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1733

You deserved it

174

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/5/2014 21:07 - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47276

You deserved it

9953

Favorite

By anon mom - 12/5/2016 00:06 - United States - Manassas

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13588

You deserved it

944

Favorite

By NotDrunk - 11/9/2012 06:47 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was at a family dinner, which had gone into meltdown after my aunt said something sarcastic about my mother's drinking. I went out for some fresh air and stumbled about in the dark, unaware of the fact that a pool was being dug. I fell into the huge hole and lost a shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21619

You deserved it

2577

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/11/2019 14:00 - United States - Buffalo

Bisexual!

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's phone titled "People's I've had sex with". There are also dates next to the notes which represented the day he had sex with them. Not only that it was NOT me who is the last person on the list, but I also realized that the last person on the list was my best friend. And he's a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2461

You deserved it

220

Favorite

By Hello condoms and lube - 9/2/2016 21:53 - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I learnt what my boss meant when he said he would 'get his revenge on me' for winning a bet. I have to clean all the rooms that currently have a couple staying in it on February 15th. I don't want to work in a hotel anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19912

You deserved it

1648

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/8/2018 18:30 - United States - Compton

Today, I was at a pool party with my friends. I really had to pass gas so I moved a bit from the group and let it rip. Instead of bubbles surfacing a brown cloud of poo rose instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1493

You deserved it

3045

Favorite

By Addigirl - 25/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I ordered pick-up from a restaurant I really like. It was pouring, so instead of taking the long way across the pedestrian walk, I ran through a grass-covered area and tripped on tree roots. I was right in front of the restaurant, so everybody saw me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5456

You deserved it

1380

Favorite

By Murphy’s Christmas - 13/12/2018 13:30

Today my husband blew a tire in a hidden pothole on the way to work. I picked him up in my car later that day, only to hit an entirely different pothole, bending my rim and catapulting my hubcap into the woods. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2547

You deserved it

149

Favorite

By xxx - 3/10/2015 13:38 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died. But I thought for a few seconds the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21080

You deserved it

8260

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 03:26 - United States - Metamora

Today, a cop turned his lights and siren on to pull me over. I pulled into a parking lot and got a ticket. It wasn't until the cop pulled away that I realized that I'd pulled into, and interrupted, an on-going funeral visitation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24589

You deserved it

5179

Favorite

By ohmy - 17/12/2009 19:09 - Canada

Today, a spider crawled across my glasses' lens. My first reaction was to smack myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15484

You deserved it

27763

Favorite

By jam - 11/2/2012 07:03 - Australia

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26499

You deserved it

7681

Favorite

By holywowz - 17/5/2017 18:00

Today, I went to a comedy show, expecting to feel better about a difficult relationship. Instead, I saw a performance written by the girl who loves my husband, about my husband, and how she loves him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5020

You deserved it

333

Favorite

By Jace - 19/8/2011 22:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my Catholic girlfriend home to meet my family for the first time. My brother thought it would be civil to spend over an hour insulting her religion and explaining in detail the many ways in which "the Force" is superior. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33321

You deserved it

5690

Favorite

By anonymous - 16/11/2011 03:17 - Canada

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16369

You deserved it

33699

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 12:03 - United States

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23640

You deserved it

5380

Favorite

By littlelia - 15/9/2019 14:00

Mirror, mirror…

Today, my fiance's mother asked him how he can be with someone with chronic pain for the rest of his life. She has chronic health problems too, but doesn't see how this is a hypocritical question. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1485

You deserved it

103

Favorite

By anonymous - 13/11/2015 00:00 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend rather stupidly assumed that because my vagina is no longer in use after giving birth, we would automatically start having anal sex. After I loudly explained how that wasn't happening, he then had the nerve to ask for a blowjob before we'd even left the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28092

You deserved it

3823

Favorite

By lxygrl - 20/7/2019 13:07 - United States - Phenix City

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2125

You deserved it

100

Favorite

By Tallow101 - 23/7/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56673

You deserved it

6618

Favorite

By waxinghorror - 11/7/2009 20:11 - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML

I agree, your life sucks

61425

You deserved it

9192

Favorite

By Kathleen Verhaegen - 30/4/2020 20:00

Lava lamp

Today, I'm so pale, my boss asked me whether I light up in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1281

You deserved it

158

Favorite

By bullah007 - 28/11/2014 18:43 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, my friend made a fake account on Facebook, pretending to be a girl, and posted my phone number on a sexting group. I've been getting calls and text messages from horny weirdos all day long. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36755

You deserved it

4398

Favorite

By misswhiskers - 28/2/2011 11:21 - Australia

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to a text message from my boyfriend, breaking up with me. When I commented on his impeccably bad timing, he admitted he'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39933

You deserved it

3328

Favorite

By Does this thought count? - 1/8/2014 00:17 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my ex-boyfriend surprised me with a gorgeous, giant stuffed tiger as a belated birthday gift. I thought it was a lovely gesture until a friend told me she had thrown it in the dumpster behind our building this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39722

You deserved it

3795

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 11:26 - United States

Today, while out for lunch, a guy approached me and asked for my number. I politely declined. To my dismay, he dropped to his knees, grabbed his head, and started moaning about how nobody ever gives him a chance. I felt the accusing stares. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52542

You deserved it

6772

Favorite

By WhyIHateTeachers - 25/6/2015 03:49 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25071

You deserved it

9089

Favorite

By Cùchulainn - 10/1/2009 03:23 - France

Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33941

You deserved it

9446

Favorite

By TheTruthofWomen - 4/11/2013 05:45 - United States

Today, at work, I had to explain to my co-manager at work what a period was, after he refused to let an employee go change her tampon. Afterwards, he panicked, saying he thought women made that up so they didn't have to have sex, before trying to send her to the hospital and fainting. We're 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69933

You deserved it

4635

Favorite

By CrappyValentine - 14/2/2012 18:56 - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11316

You deserved it

37751

Favorite

By She totally did not cheat - 15/8/2018 22:00

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3126

You deserved it

232

Favorite

By Fenny - 27/2/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15347

You deserved it

74379

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/2/2011 15:01 - United States

Today, my mother got me to guess who she spent the night with. I then find out it was the gas station guy. The same creep that I've been complaining about because he hits on me every time I go get gas. Good pick Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36710

You deserved it

3323

Favorite

By beanpole - 19/12/2016 19:34 - Canada - Canning

Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7034

You deserved it

1115

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

I agree, your life sucks

53690

You deserved it

8886

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/5/2014 05:42 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in a waiting room, my 4-year-old daughter told me she saw two guys kissing. I quietly explained that some men like men, they're gay, and normal like everyone else. I was pleased with myself until the woman across from me scoffed and muttered, "Disgusting." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55313

You deserved it

8331

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By green_eggs_and_h | 0

#2883902 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:00

Or Po.

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2883944 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

Panda no like being called regular name. Panda strong like warrior!

Comments

By green_eggs_and_h | 0

#2883902 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:00

Or Po.

OWNZ | 0

#2884021 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:06

Sounds like she cant BEAR the thought of calling him Panda!

whyXD | 12

#2884043 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:07

Then call him panda.

Keyman1212 | 14

#2884052 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:09

Hey, you can tell your friends your mom is fucking a Panda! You'll be the coolest kid on the block.

Flutist | 3

#2884079 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:11

Sad Panda just want love.

iLove2LoveU | 0

#2884450 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:51

I don't see the FML in this! your moms dating a guy named panda!! awesome!!

dolphincheddar | 10

#2884471 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:54

pandas are awesome. they are black, white and asian at the same time!

chaps93 | 6

#2884492 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:57

Pablo Sandoval?

dummbrunette | 0

#2884759 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:27

if he starts making you call him "Puff Daddy" that's when you should start worrying

juicedboi | 7

#2884778 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:29

Don't be racist, be a Panda lover. Black White and Asian.

zendaddy0 | 0

#2884870 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:41

so what dude has a nickname

Iamaninchworm | 0

#2884894 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:44

Oh maker save me from 13s bad puns by releasing a blight to devour him...

Andrew1122 | 0

#2884956 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:52

isn't that better than Big Daddy

lalala2589 | 0

#2885292 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:00

He better make some good noodles. Noodles or gtfo.

mmorgan9218 | 5

#2885582 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:45

DA reference?

imustbeinsane | 2

#2885595 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:47

Sexual Harrasment Panda

chuckychan | 8

#2886598 - Thursday 14 July 2011 1:18

wadda player

rockindyl22 | 0

#2887172 - Thursday 14 July 2011 3:11

Real life pedobear?

Cokie_the_Clown | 5

#2887240 - Thursday 14 July 2011 3:24

Pedo the Panda.

Crncj | 0

#2887537 - Thursday 14 July 2011 4:30

mommy and panda

12em12 | 1

#2888674 - Thursday 14 July 2011 7:58

He's pedobear in disguise.

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2893373 - Friday 15 July 2011 2:23

Big Panda want sex NOW

ShakeMeDown | 12

#2894742 - Friday 15 July 2011 5:18

he must be asian

coffeygirl12 | 14

#2902814 - Saturday 16 July 2011 3:11

I think he's my uncle... we don't talk to him...

Manganimegrl | 16

#3958926 - Sunday 29 January 2012 1:12

Now I want to make my friends call me Panda!!

By wooni0104 | 2

#2883908 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:01

he must be Asian.

wooni0104 | 2

#2883963 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:03

dang I just said he must be asian

By BattlingJason | 14

#2883909 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:01

Is he a black belt?

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2884250 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:26

and that doesn't set off any crazy indicators with your mom?

daBeast155 | 0

#2884369 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:42

just be careful of his lectures of sexual harassment

daBeast155 | 0

#2884371 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:42

just be careful of his lectures of sexual harassment

daBeast155 | 0

#2884374 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:42

just be careful of his lectures of sexual harassment

zukinihudini | 0

#2884964 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:53

i know someone that goes by Panda

LardZilla | 11

#2885256 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 21:53

No, he's a dragon warrior.

hiyourcute | 0

#2886612 - Thursday 14 July 2011 1:21

No, he's pablo sandoval

ArentICute | 0

#2888351 - Thursday 14 July 2011 6:56

No, he's Chuck Norris.

By littobunnay | 0

#2883930 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

at least it's not the Kung Fu panda :)

yo_bro_hoe | 5

#2884678 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:18

that would be awesome! lol

NatandAlexrhot | 6

#2885419 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:29

I love pandas :3

ImmortalKratos | 0

#2885970 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 23:48

jack black is annoying -__-

SoKeshaHasWeed | 0

#2908729 - Saturday 16 July 2011 23:16

Maybe he wants to be like Eminem in 8 Mile and have an animal nickname...

By hellokat1 | 0

#2883932 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

He sounds like a keeper!

ChrisIsANinja | 3

#2883991 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:05

Definitely!

PurpleWaffles | 2

#2884411 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:46

Yeah, in the basement.

TheOtherMakona | 0

#2884479 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:56

With a shovel.

Mysanitywins | 10

#2884509 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:58

With no lights on.

iAmScrubs | 19

#2884732 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:22

While wearing a hockey mask.

dummbrunette | 0

#2884822 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:34

I wouldn't even poke it on Facebook.

Iamaninchworm | 0

#2884905 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:46

Wearing a swimsuit with a crotch hole.

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2883944 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:02

Panda no like being called regular name. Panda strong like warrior!

DarkHelmet | 10

#2884187 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:19

LOL Classic!

Carebear423 | 0

#2884831 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:36

I freaking love all your comments iAmScrubs.

ebroski6 | 0

#2887234 - Thursday 14 July 2011 3:23

I am scrubs is what makes FML so funny

hmbsfp | 0

#2888639 - Thursday 14 July 2011 7:50

iamscrubs u always make my day!

By Mi24hind | 0

#2883981 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:05

So, people are switching from vampires to Panda's? Oh joy.

daxter136 | 0

#2884742 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:24

yay about time the panda takes over those dumb vampires who look so fake

Iamaninchworm | 0

#2884920 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:48

And why are you saying this like its bad??? Pandas foreva.

iSitt | 0

#2885209 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 21:39

maybe that will get the preteens out of the science fiction. isles at the bookstires.

By Shayton | 12

#2883999 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:05

does he know kung fu?

By lindon555 | 0

#2884015 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:06

does he look like a panda?

By SwaggerMelon | 6

#2884022 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 19:06

Is it really you ChillLaxBroPandaLanders?