Love, Family and Awkward: New Man

New Man

By Hrothebert - 20/03/2021 02:00

Today, my widowed mother told me she's been seeing a guy for the last 5 months. No problem. But now she insists on calling him, "New Daddy." I'm 37 and she lives across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 67

Love Family Awkward

Good kid

This Charming Man

Triage

By Anonymous - 03/12/2010 14:41 - United States

Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 949

You deserved it 10 022

By wow kid just leave me alone - 15/09/2012 00:03 - United States

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 572

You deserved it 3 696

By Hth - 28/10/2008 00:13 - United States

Today, I farted A LOT during my exam, all silent so I figured I should be OK. Then I looked around and everybody was suffocating and giving me sly looks. I am now known to everyone in the department as SuperFart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 291

You deserved it 43 617

By mudafkrmas - 18/09/2009 04:14 - Canada

Today, I was trying to look cute in front of this really nice guy. I sure hope he thinks smacking into a pole, rebounding backwards and knocking over an old man is cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 589

You deserved it 33 282

By bakergirl - 16/11/2009 10:40 - Australia

Today, my boss made me wear reindeer antlers to promote the Christmas spirit. There are still 5 weeks till Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 953

You deserved it 3 967

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I walked into a T-Mobile store to get a new phone. I wanted all of my numbers on my new phone, but the customer service rep had to transfer them. He said jokingly, "I understand. You don't want to lose your girlfriend's number." My girlfriend and I broke up two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 992

You deserved it 7 630

By haleyfml - 27/10/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I took a shower and right after I fell asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel. I awoke to find my dad slapping me in the face. He thought I had fainted because I'm a diabetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 585

You deserved it 5 528

By twice-a-day - 18/11/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, my house is suffering from an infestation of these tiny black beetles. After brushing my teeth tonight, I was rinsing out my toothbrush when I found that one of the beetles had curled up to die between the bristles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 924

You deserved it 4 014

By Miss_Kristen - 26/02/2012 15:31 - United States

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 354

You deserved it 34 323

It's not me

By LDF - 25/12/2008 10:30 - France

Today, I was sitting in a train when the old lady sitting next to me started staring at me. I asked her if she was OK, and she exclaimed, "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?" The entire train trip went like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 072

You deserved it 1 920

By Jade - 25/04/2011 13:49 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in front of an entire street of people. We've only been dating for a week. One of the women in the crowd then called me heartless and threw a hamburger at me when I turned him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 268

You deserved it 9 643

By mehdi-online - 13/10/2008 08:22

Today, for the first time I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous, nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask her phone number. It’s only when I arrived back home that I realized there was a digit missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 666

You deserved it 17 977

By shadowsonicstar - 14/01/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, I had to do 40 squats with a medicine ball. I always made fun of medicine balls my whole life because they looked so easy that even senior citizens did them. I passed out in the middle of the gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 787

You deserved it 40 561

By culodegrillo - 13/05/2013 20:36 - Spain

Today, a woman approached me in the street and slapped me, ranting about how I stole her man. I don't even know her man, or her, and I live over a thousand miles away in Scotland. I'm back in town for the first time since my childhood to attend a wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 958

You deserved it 3 263

By Liz - 09/06/2011 04:21 - United States

Today, I thought an attractive guy was looking at my tits instead of my face, and prepared to act offended and perhaps flirt. Unfortunately, he was actually looking at the peeling and flaking sunburn in my cleavage, and informed me that Aloe might be helpful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 177

You deserved it 42 500

By Anonymous - 03/02/2015 19:03 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, somebody poured a cup of coffee down the back of my shirt. When I turned around, I saw a man who said, "You looked like my ex from behind!" and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 090

You deserved it 2 178

By smellyfeet - 01/06/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 940

You deserved it 5 653

Freak out

By Brooke - 09/08/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, my skin was turning black, and I believed I was reacting to a spider bite. I spent 4 hours waiting in an emergency room in the middle of the night, paid a $100 copay, and missed a night with my boyfriend just to have a doctor wipe dye from my brand new black jeans off with alcohol. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 906

You deserved it 56 985

By Anonymous - 16/08/2019 06:00

Today, I came home to my parents holding my marijuana. They told me that I had the stupidest hiding place ever, and that I was, "not only a pothead, but a dumbfuck pothead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 2 499

By ugh - 21/04/2012 05:12 - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 961

You deserved it 30 806

By Anonymous - 30/08/2017 20:00

Today, my dad described our security cameras recording a stranger stealing money from his car, and then called me unhealthy and paranoid for locking my car all the time. My car is usually parked right next to his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 203

You deserved it 221

By TheNewCashierInTown - 23/05/2016 19:30 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, it was my second day working as a cashier in a drug store. I thought everything went great, but by the end of my shift, my cash register was $10 short. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad if on my first day it hadn't been $30 short. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 798

You deserved it 3 117

By Anonymous - 13/03/2011 13:19 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for an infection from where a cat bit me while I was sleeping. Where that cat came from and how it got into my bedroom I will never know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 930

You deserved it 3 219

By gvmfvr - 08/05/2014 20:48 - France - Fontenay-sous-bois

Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 100

You deserved it 3 950

By pillowless - 13/10/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. The items stolen were my PS3, cell phone, laptop, tablets, and for some reason my deodorant and pillowcases as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 890

You deserved it 2 394

By Anonymous - 13/12/2018 15:30

Today, I’m almost six weeks pregnant. From exactly ten seconds of penetration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 271

You deserved it 1 326

Spooky

By Scaredwitless - 28/01/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 809

You deserved it 5 993

By rmonk - 06/07/2016 12:17 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at an ice cream place, and a guy started chatting with us. As he eventually went to leave, he told me "That's a nice looking date you got there." Then he turned to my friend. "Wish I could say the same to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 421

You deserved it 983

By Anonymous - 07/06/2019 06:15

Today, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. Why? I was late for our date. We arrived at the restaurant together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 872

You deserved it 150

By Eisenhorn - 10/06/2015 17:55 - United States

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 560

You deserved it 2 119

By Anonymous - 24/05/2011 03:19 - Canada

Today, my boss contacted me to come in for a quick meeting. I drove 30 minutes to get to work only to find out she was firing me and wanted my key card back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 912

You deserved it 2 909

By alipallie - 10/03/2014 00:36 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, after running across London to catch my train, I collapsed, panting, into a seat across from a concerned elderly woman. She leaned over to ask whether I had my inhaler and I smiled and nodded. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not asthmatic, just really unfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 068

You deserved it 7 040

By GymBattle - 31/10/2013 23:18 - United States

Today, while I was working out, I was listening to music with my earbuds in. The Pokémon theme started playing and I begun singing along. It wasn't too long after that I remembered I was in a crowded gym on a military base. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 309

You deserved it 12 535

Bored of you

By ajwwfc - 19/10/2020 23:03 - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, I realised that whenever I make eye contact with a stranger, I yawn. I work at a McDonald's FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 130

By JB - 07/12/2011 14:29 - United States

Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 990

You deserved it 28 660

By waterdog - 18/04/2011 20:12 - United States

Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 525

You deserved it 4 336

By southernluxe - 04/09/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 809

You deserved it 10 580

By x_o - 04/08/2013 20:51 - Hungary - ?ttev?ny

Today, it was my first day at my new job. I had to break up two fistfights, then leave work early with a black eye. This is not what I had in mind when I applied to work at a retirement home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 181

You deserved it 3 846

By Anonymous - 07/05/2016 01:40 - United States - Walnut

Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 169

You deserved it 2 411

By holly - 24/05/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I was watching tv on the couch. My mom then kicked me off so she could lie down. Exhausted, I asked if I could sit at the end. She said no. A minute later she called the dog to come sit with her. As I was sitting on the ground, my mom told me to move because "the dog can't see the TV." FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 020

You deserved it 4 690

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Top comments

Chazzster 22

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Saturday 20 March 2021 4:02

Please clarify - Is Mom calling her boyfriend “New Daddy” or is she asking you to call him that?

core01 30

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Saturday 20 March 2021 2:30

That's hilarious!

Comments

core01 30

Send a private message

Saturday 20 March 2021 2:30

That's hilarious!

Chazzster 22

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Saturday 20 March 2021 4:02

Please clarify - Is Mom calling her boyfriend “New Daddy” or is she asking you to call him that?

Warp1978 15

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Saturday 20 March 2021 11:20

New daddy.... Shudders🥴

ojoRojo 27

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Sunday 21 March 2021 14:22

What does her living across the street have to do with anything?

Miss_Whipped 43

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Sunday 21 March 2021 23:03

Presumably that OP can't easily avoid interactions.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 27

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 22

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 184

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 258