Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She... - FML

By DanniRae - 13/3/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

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Relationships sink

Double standards

Emergency haircut

By silvercity09 - 26/5/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, was my sister's and dad's birthday. I accidentally mixed up the gifts I got for them and my dad ended up with a vibrator. He wasn't very happy. FML

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By moonbears - 22/10/2015 16:46 - United States - Portland

Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML

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By Laura - 8/10/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML

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By ForeverLost - 26/3/2020 20:21

Together, forever

Today, my wife asked me for a divorce, shortly after I found out she's been having an affair. Then our county placed us on quarantine for Covid-19. Now I'm stuck living with her until it goes away. FML

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By dangyo - 26/1/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad learned how to use the parental controls. I now have an 11 o'clock curfew. I am 17. FML

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By ugh. - 21/4/2019 07:00 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, after waiting two months to attend a very important course, I finally got to go. This is the same day I caught a horrible cold, got Auntie Flow’s monthly visit, my IBS flared up, and my acid reflux as well. So here I go, crampy, constipated, congested, and gassy. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2011 12:53 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me because he's sick of me being annoyed at him. Why am I annoyed at him? Because he wants to go and spend a week with his ex. FML

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By cjy152 - 21/9/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her new born son after me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 05:00

Today, while buying Red Dead Redemption 2, the cashier spoiled the ending. FML

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By IdiotNursingStudent - 22/9/2014 02:12 - United States - Belton

Today, I was reviewing for a major nursing school exam I have this week. I panicked because none of the material seemed familiar, and figured that I must've missed something during class and now had to catch up. After 4 hours, I finally realized that I'd been studying from the wrong textbook. FML

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By AKN - 29/1/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML

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By tillybonkers - 26/9/2018 22:00

Today, I helped a guy in a flaming car by busting his window to get him out. I didn't realize until after the crash scene was cleared, that I didn't just have his blood on me, but I also had cut from the window. Round 3 of aids testing here I come. FML

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By sierraisfucked - 2/6/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I was in Walmart with my mom. I was looking for some CDs I wanted and saw a cute guy. Then he nodded at me and as he started to walk towards me, I hear my name being called over the intercom. Apparently, according to my mom, it was time to go. FML

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By anonymous - 7/6/2012 11:00 - United States

Today, I found out I have an incredible fear of butterflies. I discovered this after my mother took me to a butterfly sanctuary for some "mother-daughter bonding time." FML

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By Madzison - 6/2/2012 10:08 - Australia

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about his Miley Cyrus obsession. FML

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By TheFriskyBadger - 12/7/2016 23:57

Today, a customer complained that her salad had "too much lettuce." Her bowl was less than half-filled with lettuce and the rest was cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2019 00:01

Today, due to recent changes in my local transit system, the bus that I take to work and back is a unidirectional loop instead of bi-directional. So my morning commute is the same, but the commute back is now an hour-and-half instead of 20 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2018 14:00

Today I was really hitting it off with my blind date and was eager to arrange a second date. I gave him my number and he decided to call my phone so I could save his number. My phone didn’t ring. He got upset because he thought I gave him a fake number and stormed off. The battery was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 04:57 - United States - Paducah

Today, it was my 16th birthday. My surprise was a new car, that is now in the side of the garage because my mom lost control while driving it around front. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2019 06:00

Today, I came home from work and found my sister using my vibrator in my own bed. FML

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By lolwut - 15/1/2012 18:17 - United States

Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML

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By Distracted - 9/4/2015 20:11 - United States - Greenfield

Today, I was driving and someone was following me across the city and wouldn't let up, so I drove past my house, thinking it was a stalker. Eventually I lost them on the highway. It wasn't until I'd gotten back home that I remembered that my 'stalker' was a coworker I'd invited over for lunch. FML

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By Wilf - 22/2/2013 15:48 - Australia - Perth

Today, the arts company I work for cancelled our 8 pm sold-out outdoor performance at 7:30 due to rain, and will have to reticket 550 patrons. I'm the only person in the office trained in ticketing. It stopped raining 10 minutes after we cancelled it. FML

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By sheisselluv - 11/5/2014 20:30 - Germany - Gera

Today, was my first day of work in my life. I was excited, and so was my dad, who saw me to the door and ruffled my hair as he wished me luck. I didn't notice until half an hour after arriving at work that he'd stuck his gum in my hair. Nobody bothered to tell me. FML

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By sammatthews2007 - 25/2/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

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By Sleeeeeep - 19/8/2010 04:10 - France

Today, I had to tell my doctor the real reason why I can't sleep at night for him to prescribe me anymore Ambien: I still have the irrational fear that there are monsters in the closet. I'm 22. FML

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By roselysunset - 29/7/2015 17:07 - United States - Cypress

Today, I came home to find my mom drunk. She asked me for a hug and then started crying, "Where's my daughter?" I'm her daughter. And her only child, as far as I know. FML

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By hoping to live to see next year - 29/7/2018 15:00

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5am. FML

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By possibly a sweater - 5/12/2013 22:26 - United States - Wharton

Today, I received a poorly-written letter from my asshole neighbor in which he threatened to "sew" me because my dog shat on his lawn again. I went over, asked if he needed some wool for his sewing, and told him to stop being an idiot. Now he's apparently hiring a lawyer for real. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 03:55 - United States - Portland

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

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By queenariii - 28/6/2016 05:55 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I'm stuck in a ramshackle house that my aunt bought and moved everyone out to. Only one bathroom works, and she won't let us flush it because the house keeps flooding. Four people are stuck here with just one toilet filled with poop and urine, while she's been staying at a friend's house. FML

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By NJ <3 - 10/1/2012 15:34 - United States

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

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By - 23/11/2019 01:00

The hustler

Today, my boyfriend of six months, who happened to be my first kiss, broke up with me after borrowing 120 dollars. Not twenty minutes later, he was at the bar drinking with my brothers and my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2012 14:26 - United States

Today, my dog farted so loud in his sleep that he scared himself and woke up barking. This afternoon I achieved the same feat. FML

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By nearly20yetasfearfulasatoddlerhavingnightmares - 19/3/2013 06:32 - United States - Allen

Today, it's my third night of finally living on my own in a house. I can't count the number of times I have run to my knife and pepper spray after hearing "suspicious" sounds. Maybe I'm not ready to be an adult after all. FML

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By Alyssa - 13/2/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2011 00:46 - United States

Today, my mom made me teach my delusional gran web browsing. I barely made it to YouTube before she sneered at me, and told me to "stop pissing about before I smash your face in." Two hours and multiple slaps later, she still doesn't get what a URL is, and I fear for my life. FML

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By unknown - 7/4/2013 17:01 - Canada - Quebec

Today, my sister was faced with the choice of getting a burger, or picking me up in a snowstorm. The burger won, and I had to travel 4km home by foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2012 02:08 - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

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By Zoe Avila - 9/8/2011 22:55 - United States

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

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Top comments

By Tehalon | 0

#30104 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:03

Aslong as they were unused its not that bad ;P

By Xyrian | 0

#30121 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:12

This sounds suspiciously familiar to American Wedding, which also happened to be on television last night, go figure.

Comments

By Tehalon | 0

#30104 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:03

Aslong as they were unused its not that bad ;P

Reply

ninjawurl16 | 0

#2583850 - Sunday 29 May 2011 18:11

just imagine they were finished massagin
and the mom noticed brown stains on her back hahahah!!!

By bomdia | 0

#30105 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:03

that is hilarious. At least they were a gag gift and not used!
And at least your mom wasn't the type of person who knew what they were (not that there's anything wrong with that).

By forallitsworth | 0

#30120 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:11

Let's hope your mom doesn't go on fmylife.com ;)

By Xyrian | 0

#30121 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:12

This sounds suspiciously familiar to American Wedding, which also happened to be on television last night, go figure.

By MCart_fml | 0

#30130 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:16

Agreed with #1, otherwise buy your mom a new shirt for her next birthday

By LittleMissMack | 0

#30140 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:19

Why couldn't you just be honest with you mom? Especially if they were a gag gift.

I would have asked her if she wanted them because you weren't going to use them.

Reply

sasquatchman12 | 0

#3464839 - Friday 21 October 2011 6:32

That's stupid

Reply

boycrazy30007 | 12

#4796147 - Friday 10 August 2012 7:48

Normal people wouldn't bring something like that into a conversation with their mom. It's disrespectful

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6193993 - Friday 6 February 2015 1:46

No it's not disrespectful, the mother asked! If you have a good bond with your mom nothing should be considered inappropriate or stupid (minus insest). If this happened to me with my mom we would have busted a gut laughing after I explained. #6 has the right idea.

Reply

Ramb0 | 20

#6637564 - Monday 27 June 2016 10:45

your family Is messed up

By littlec_fml | 0

#30161 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:26

that was ripped off from american wedding

By Outkast | 0

#30177 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:36

that was the most funniest thing i've ever heard that anyone used for an anl bead
to massage your back did she like it

i want to know

just hope she don't find out:D:D:D:D

By Lick_yer_face | 0

#30189 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:44

Yeah... 'gag gift'.
Whatever you say. :-P

By alwaysalady | 0

#30220 - Friday 13 March 2009 21:05

Anal beads? You mean beads that you....? They make stuff like that?

Reply

thewonkits | 0

#525281 - Sunday 30 August 2009 2:30

You need to watch more nighttime television. lol.

Reply

BeeHappy_fml | 0

#973924 - Sunday 4 April 2010 9:38

I love how your comment is #69. I lol'd.