Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She... - FML

By DanniRae - 13/3/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

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Billy no-mates

Never flip flop and drive

Incognito browsing

By nothing_nobody - 23/6/2016 01:31

Today, I was volunteering at a local hospital. I was eagerly introducing myself to all the nurses, as I would be working with them all summer. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered the giant piece of lettuce stuck in my front teeth. So much for first impressions. FML

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By Julie is in pain - 6/7/2012 17:11 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML

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By cerulean - 10/10/2017 01:30

Today, a nurse berated me for not being able to lift my leg myself so she could put a cast on. My leg is broken in two places. FML

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By Oily - 16/12/2011 09:08 - New Zealand

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

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By deadfish - 3/10/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, my 9 year old little sister is coming back in town with the rest of my family. She specifically asked me to feed her fish. I totally forgot until she called me 10 minutes ago to tell me she was on her way home and couldn't wait to see her fishie. He's dead. FML

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By Travellingluck - 20/10/2017 16:12

Today, after a week of severe gastroenteritis that required a hospital stay, I was finally feeling well enough to go in the pool at our holiday resort. My fiance slipped on the edge of the pool and we're back in the hospital. Happy vacation! FML

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By leftout - 13/5/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was one of five people called up to the front in class to receive a special notice from the school administration. The first four people received awards for outstanding effort in school. Mine was a notice that I had overdue library fines. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 17:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I blared my music while I got ready for a night out. Getting really into this one song, I grabbed onto the nearest thing as a makeshift microphone. It happened to be the hot end of my curling iron. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2013 20:01 - Portugal

Today, my girlfriend convinced me to do some bedroom roleplay, and we decided on acting out a job interview scenario. I suggestively told her that if she wanted to get the job, she'd have to use her mouth on something else first. She called me a pig and ended the roleplay right there. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2013 04:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2013 05:52 - United States - Seattle

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

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By Enyo - 1/1/2013 17:35 - Reserved

Today, I found my dogs freezing outside. My neighbor was supposed to watch them while I was away, and on my way home I called to let her know she should let them have a quick walk. She thought I'd be home soon enough that she wouldn't have to let them back in. It was minus 10c out. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 17:53 - United States

Today, while waiting on a customer at a restaurant, I accidentally asked a midget if she'd like a children's menu. FML

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By Anomaly - 3/3/2015 02:43 - United States - Trenton

Today, I saw a person in my class completing a project that was due two periods later and that they had just started in the bathroom. They got a better grade than me. FML

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By kitkat1603 - 16/6/2010 11:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend thought he gave me unimaginable pleasure. I didn't have the heart to tell him I had cramp in both my legs at the same time. FML

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By WTF - 3/12/2014 21:21 - United States - Conroe

Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML

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By biomajor - 7/2/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy at the bar and I told him I was a biology major. He promptly said, "NEXT" and moved on to the girl next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 02:02

Great speech, thanks!

Today, my biologist father had a slide show and speech prepared for my wedding. It started with, “40 years ago, there was a tree here”. I thought this would relate to me or the wedding at some point. 45 minutes later, I had to admit that it didn’t. FML

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By Poser - 20/12/2009 04:24 - Canada

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

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By gtrs750 - 9/8/2009 13:48 - Canada

Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 17:36 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2010 08:04 - Estonia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. I tried to hide my sadness from my mom. She still noticed, and tried to cheer me up. She took me to a funeral. FML

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By SwAGkiLlS - 15/7/2012 15:12 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

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By OhNo - 22/1/2016 21:28 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I accidentally stood up my first date ever. How? I spent all of last night cleaning my parents' house for extra spending money to make sure the date went perfect, but I ended up sleeping through the alarm as well. FML

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By fiftyno - 1/10/2012 15:02 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I came home to my wife practising biting her lip in the mirror. Fuck you, Fifty Shades of Grey. FML

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By anon - 1/7/2011 19:22 - United States

Today, I ran to my car and zoomed to work to avoid being late. I was in such a hurry, I forgot to close all my windows. When I got back to my car, I found a dead squirrel inside. FML

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By Cpm - 1/12/2009 01:55 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

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By BrokeAsFuck - 18/10/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

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By Noname - 6/2/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2016 15:30 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

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By busfail - 22/3/2012 18:00 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, while I was on the bus to work, a morbidly obese man sat down next to me. When my stop came and I stood up to get off, he just looked at me, said with a smirk, "good luck with that," and went back to reading his paper. I missed my stop. FML

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By pist off - 5/3/2018 19:00

Classy.

Today, I felt rain on my face. I looked up and saw a man peeing off a hot air balloon. FML

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By ewwww - 26/5/2013 17:55 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I found out where the mysterious bites on my back keep coming from. It's not every day you find an earwig in your loofah. FML

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By Hammy - 25/11/2014 02:17 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I finally noticed how lonely I am when I realized I was petting my couch while reading a book. FML

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By Buzz - 28/11/2008 05:35 - France

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager". FML

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By PeeFlavouredFloss - 14/1/2013 03:36 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I had to explain to my husband that the 5-second rule doesn't apply if you drop the floss into the toilet. FML

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By Dlord357 - 7/11/2011 14:24 - United States

Today, I had to deliver pizza to a nudist colony. I got an eyeful of more than I needed to see. FML

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By Groped - 2/4/2011 00:45 - United States

Today, I gave up my seat on the subway for an elderly man. He thanked me by grabbing my ass. FML

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By Casden - 13/9/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, "I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall." At which point he said, "Sorry, I didn't think people really called those numbers." FML

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Top comments

By Tehalon | 0

#30104 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:03

Aslong as they were unused its not that bad ;P

By Xyrian | 0

#30121 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:12

This sounds suspiciously familiar to American Wedding, which also happened to be on television last night, go figure.

COMMENTS

By Tehalon | 0

#30104 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:03

Aslong as they were unused its not that bad ;P

Reply

ninjawurl16 | 0

#2583850 - Sunday 29 May 2011 18:11

just imagine they were finished massagin
and the mom noticed brown stains on her back hahahah!!!

By bomdia | 0

#30105 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:03

that is hilarious. At least they were a gag gift and not used!
And at least your mom wasn't the type of person who knew what they were (not that there's anything wrong with that).

By forallitsworth | 0

#30120 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:11

Let's hope your mom doesn't go on fmylife.com ;)

By Xyrian | 0

#30121 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:12

This sounds suspiciously familiar to American Wedding, which also happened to be on television last night, go figure.

By MCart_fml | 0

#30130 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:16

Agreed with #1, otherwise buy your mom a new shirt for her next birthday

By LittleMissMack | 0

#30140 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:19

Why couldn't you just be honest with you mom? Especially if they were a gag gift.

I would have asked her if she wanted them because you weren't going to use them.

Reply

sasquatchman12 | 0

#3464839 - Friday 21 October 2011 6:32

That's stupid

Reply

boycrazy30007 | 12

#4796147 - Friday 10 August 2012 7:48

Normal people wouldn't bring something like that into a conversation with their mom. It's disrespectful

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6193993 - Friday 6 February 2015 1:46

No it's not disrespectful, the mother asked! If you have a good bond with your mom nothing should be considered inappropriate or stupid (minus insest). If this happened to me with my mom we would have busted a gut laughing after I explained. #6 has the right idea.

Reply

Ramb0 | 20

#6637564 - Monday 27 June 2016 10:45

your family Is messed up

By littlec_fml | 0

#30161 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:26

that was ripped off from american wedding

By Outkast | 0

#30177 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:36

that was the most funniest thing i've ever heard that anyone used for an anl bead
to massage your back did she like it

i want to know

just hope she don't find out:D:D:D:D

By Lick_yer_face | 0

#30189 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:44

Yeah... 'gag gift'.
Whatever you say. :-P

By alwaysalady | 0

#30220 - Friday 13 March 2009 21:05

Anal beads? You mean beads that you....? They make stuff like that?

Reply

thewonkits | 0

#525281 - Sunday 30 August 2009 2:30

You need to watch more nighttime television. lol.

Reply

BeeHappy_fml | 0

#973924 - Sunday 4 April 2010 9:38

I love how your comment is #69. I lol'd.