Kids: Today, my mom volunteered me to help out at her coworker's 5-year-old...

By Spider-Sham

Today, my mom volunteered me to help out at her coworker's 5-year-old son's birthday party. I didn't realize until I got there that "helping out" meant "dressing up as Spider-Man". FML

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Kids

Sorry…

Best Baby Names of 2021

Marxism intensifies

By NotoriousSRJ - Canada

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

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By achoooo - United States

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

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By fu2then - Canada

Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He says "yeah well you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML

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By workaholic - United States - San Francisco

Today, I thought I'd finally finished the special project my boss gave me of changing the eligibility details on several hundred loans. My coworker later pointed out that the document was the same as it had been hours before, and that the changes I made hadn't saved at all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at some cellphones with my dad, when an assistant asked if we needed help. My dad said, "Yeah, does this have parental controls? My son watches some freaky stuff, some damn freaky stuff." I don't watch anything weird, but thanks for humiliating me, dad. FML

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By Tony - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about who I wanted to ask to prom. I told her the names of the girls I was thinking of asking and she replied, "They'll say no, but you can always go with one of your cousins." FML

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By soontobesingle - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

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By catherine - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my camera into water. The good news is that it's waterproof. The bad news is I dropped it off London Bridge. All the pictures and videos of my four-month trip around Europe were on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

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By TimeForACareerChange - United States

Plop

Today, I told a patient that we needed to collect a stool sample. I left the room momentarily to retrieve what the patient would need. He apparently didn't need anything besides the counter in the exam room. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got told that I have a dainty sneeze. It was the closest thing I've had to a compliment I've had in months. FML

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By yeasty - United States

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up some Monistat for a yeast infection. As I was leaving the store, the security alarm went off. The attractive security guard asked to see my receipt, smiled, told me I looked nice, so I handed him the receipt. His face then abruptly changed to a look of disgust. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I drove home on my birthday, and my mom said she'd meet me there. I was a little surprised to get home and find she wasn't there, but even more shocked to see my rabbit run over in my driveway. Turns out he'd gotten loose and my mom had run him over, panicked, and left. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while trying to take my Christmas tree down, I learned that at some point during the last few weeks, it became home to a colony of green ants. I'm now covered in bites and terrified to go anywhere near it. FML

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By Madison43097 - United States

The Three Bears Conundrum

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

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By smiler - United Kingdom

Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML

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By whatafuckhead - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my landlord commented on how rarely I drink milk, and I joked that I'm "probably going to die young" because of it. Then I immediately remembered that her 35-year-old husband died last year of a heart attack. FML

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By JD - United States

Today, while I was making love to my wife, she looks up and says, "I'll paint the ceiling white." FML

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By not as easy as pie - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

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By GlassPwn - United States

Today, I walked into my room in only a towel. I walked in front of my brother to get to my computer. He said, "My webcam is on." I replied smartly by screaming, hugging the towel tightly to me, turning, and running straight into the glass door, dropping the towel. His friends saw and laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

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By Nanny - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

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By Ellie - United States

Today, I was practicing for a choir concert that I have next week. My mom walked into my room and listened to me for a little while. After I finished the last song, she smiled, patted me on the head and said, "It's okay honey, I can't sing either." FML

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By Jules - 9/12/2020 08:02 - Germany - Norden

Uncomfortable

Today, while many women have a wardrobe full of nothing-to-wear, my mom has a fridge full of nothing-to-eat and a living room full of nowhere-to-sit. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Guelph

Today, a woman started giving me grief because we didn't have any Boxing Day sales. As I explained to her that dollar stores don't usually have sales, she tried to lamp me. It ended by her getting dragged out of the store. FML

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By krystal - United States

Today, it's the third day of my dad's revenge after he snapped over me supposedly using the word "duh" in every other sentence. He got his hands on my old recorder and has been playing it loudly and out of tune outside my room when I try to do my homework. My mom thinks this is hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2021 07:56

Oh, the irony

Today, my dad came home after collecting donations for construction of the temple of Lord Rama, who is known for qualities like patience. Within 5 minutes, he started yelling at my sister. FML

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By running scared - Norway

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You are such a cute couple!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat brought yet another chipmunk into our house. She never kills them, so they stay in our house until we either capture them or they escape. So far, she's brought in three squirrels, four chipmunks, four mice, and a snake. FML

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By angry - Canada - Scarborough

Today, I came out as lesbian and introduced my new girlfriend to my family. My mom angrily told me that I should have waited until my grandparents had died before coming out, and that I was "extremely disrespectful" for making this announcement. I honestly thought everyone would be fine with it. FML

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By probablyadopted1 - United States - Houston

Today, my family savagely mocked me to the point of tears, all for using "big", "fancy" words like "accommodations" and "hospitality". FML

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By Welp

Today, I failed my nursing clinical for, "being too nice". FML

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By Wow - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me to come to her college, so I did. I was greeted by the campus police who told me to stop harassing her because she no longer wants to be with me. Then they told me I was no longer welcome on campus and hereby banned. She used campus police to dump me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 20:00

Tinfoil hat wearers are everywhere

Today, I overheard my mom on the phone ranting about how China "engineered and released" the coronavirus and the giant hornets in an attempt to take over the world. Only one more month of quarantine left. FML

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By still together - United States - Keansburg

Today, my sister announced that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Her boyfriend is my husband. We're not even legally divorced yet. FML

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By anon - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I woke up after taking the new sleeping pills I was prescribed for my insomnia. I slept for 12 hours and had 5 missed calls from my boss. FML

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By MC - Canada

Today, I was so drunk that I gave my mom's number instead of mine to the really cute guy I met at the bar. FML

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By Daniel - United States

Today, while going to lunch with my boss, he asked me to check and see if the other lane was clear. When I did, he swerved hard, making me smack my head into the door window. This is apparently his new favorite thing to do. FML

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By CollegeBoy - Canada

Today, my high school guidance counselor tried to convince me NOT to go to college, mainly because it's been so long since someone from my high school went to college, that she got rid of all the college information she used to have. FML

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Top comments

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7461615 - Sunday 28 May 2017 16:14

Play some fake siren sound from your phone, tell the children you gotta go fight crime, and get the hell out of that place. LOL

By RichardPencil | 29

#7461625 - Sunday 28 May 2017 16:45

What's wrong? You can't handle the great responsibility that comes with great power?

Just get some cans of silly string and you'll be the most kick-ass Spider-Man those kids have ever seen!

COMMENTS

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7461615 - Sunday 28 May 2017 16:14

Play some fake siren sound from your phone, tell the children you gotta go fight crime, and get the hell out of that place. LOL

By RichardPencil | 29

#7461625 - Sunday 28 May 2017 16:45

What's wrong? You can't handle the great responsibility that comes with great power?

Just get some cans of silly string and you'll be the most kick-ass Spider-Man those kids have ever seen!

By Randomness911 | 12

#7461628 - Sunday 28 May 2017 17:00

Sounds like you got caught in a sticky web of deceit.

By Colon_Man | 17

#7461680 - Sunday 28 May 2017 18:57

Spider-Sham, Spider-Sham. Does whatever a Spider-Sham does. Spike the punch. Eat all the cake. Cuz she can. Spider-Sham.

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7461698 - Sunday 28 May 2017 19:34

Better than being asked to be spiderpig.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7461706 - Sunday 28 May 2017 19:42

Remember, Spider-Sham, with great power comes great responsibility--of looking after the kids.

By Cynical_1 | 26

#7461833 - Sunday 28 May 2017 23:58

I can just hear the kids now; "Mommy...why does Spider-man have boobs?" Lol. Unless you don't have any...but that's a whole other FML.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7461921 - Monday 29 May 2017 4:41

Yet another parent volunteering her kid to do something. Can you just...not show up at the party?

By latenerd | 11

#7462138 - Monday 29 May 2017 15:28

WTH. Why would your mother do that - and not even for a charity or something, but just a coworker??

By Sinshine | 27

#7462263 - Monday 29 May 2017 21:47

If someone volunteers me, I volunteer them to do it in my place. Volunteering other people for stuff without asking them is just disrespectful.