Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for...

By Brotherssuckkk - France

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

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Kids

Serious times

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Vibe check

By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to explain to my little sister that not all guitars are supposed to have a hole in them, that when I was talking about "breaking it in" I didn't mean I'd smash a hole in it, and that she shouldn't have taken a hammer to my expensive new guitar. FML

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By killmyself - United States

Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML

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By Jen - Australia

Today, I arrived home to find I'd been broken in to. The culprit? An obese homeless man, who I found face down, unconscious, and surrounded by muesli bar wrappers in my pantry. He broke in, ate everything in sight, soiled himself, and passed out. The worst part? The cops don't even believe me. FML

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By overflowing - United States

Today, I had to take a mandatory drug test with the doctor present. Nervous, I couldn't get myself to pee in the cup right away. When I finally did, I couldn't stop myself from overfilling the cup and getting pee all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend showed me a creepy piece of artwork he'd drawn. I laughed and said that it would give me nightmares, meaning it as a compliment. Turns out, this one was in honor of his dead grandmother, who'd raised him. FML

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By hatemyjob - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I answered a call at work from a very irate gentleman. After being shouted and sworn at profusely, I ended the call in a slightly less than civil manner. Turns out that guy is one of our company's biggest clients. FML

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By missgayle319 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

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20203

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By Anonymous - United States - Detroit

Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML

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56726

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By SirPimPim - Sweden

Today, it was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, and said: "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

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By gemma - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I figured out how serious my weight problem really is when my boyfriend had to lift a fat roll before he could enter me. FML

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15748

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By Matt - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. I got a new dentist who started out a conversation about school. She asked where I went to school and if I liked my principal. After I told her I thought he was full of himself, she said she was married to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38738

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML

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14388

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By anun - Australia

Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML

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31729

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By srs

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home drunk from a party last night. They said I couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore as he's a "bad influence". He was the only one sober in our group and drove me home safely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2947

You deserved it

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By Unfortunately Me - United States - San Jose

Today, I was asked to go to a ball by the guy I like. The theme is masquerade. He made me a Robin mask; he's wearing a Batman mask. FML

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43026

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By CoolGuy69 - Sweden - M?lnlycke

Today, I studied all night for a big test. I ended up falling asleep on the bus ride there. I woke up in a different province. FML

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12949

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By Anonymous - United States - Flemington

Today, I realized how weak I truly am when I tore a muscle in my hand trying to discreetly fix a wedgie. FML

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By willieboom - United States

Today, I turned 30 years old. My dad, the only living relative I have, gave me a call. Not to wish me a happy birthday, but to tell me about "a hot piece of ass" he nailed at the senior center last night. FML

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58552

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2020 20:00 - United States - San Francisco

Three kids?

Today, I got the results proving if my ex-girlfriend's kid was mine. The results came back negative and I can't have kids. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have 3 kids with my wife. FML

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2984

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By Dezzmond68 - Canada - Aylmer

Today, I got in trouble at work because the person whom I trained, and had done everything correctly with no mistakes and said he was comfortable being on his own when I asked, was screwing it all up over the course of 6 weeks. When I asked him, he said, "I think my way's better than yours." FML

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11819

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By Numb - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML

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By Dreadge - Israel

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. A couple of cute girls started talking to me, telling me how much they liked my dreads. Seeing this, my mother stepped up next to me, patted me on the shoulder, and said, "This here is my little baby, treat him nicely!" Thanks, Mom. FML

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By tutusaurus - United States - Salinas

Today, I wrote the girl I love a long, gushy letter to convince her to be with me instead of her abusive ex. Later on, I asked her what she thought. She said she can't read cursive. She chose the ex. FML

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27513

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By Anonymous - United States - Converse

Today, like every day since my wife was prescribed antibiotics for an infection, I had to hide one of the pills inside her food, because she'd apparently rather fall seriously ill than swallow them like an adult. FML

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46685

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By Virginy - France

Today, I was stuck in the elevator at my building, so I pushed the emergency button which made a ringing noise. After half an hour, I hear someone yelling to the elevator, "Could you stop pushing that button, there are kids sleeping." FML

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36579

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By Yoir mom - 16/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Port Richey

Very bad idea

Today, I realized I was late for work, so I rushed out of bed only to accidentally step onto my dog which then promptly bit my leg and now I'm in the ER. FML

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1788

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By FallCameEarly - United States - Alhambra

Today, at my job as a librarian at an old library, I was shelving books. Things were great until one entire bookshelf fell over. The damage wasn't too bad. Then the rest fell down. FML

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41030

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By Geewizz - United States

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend that she was tanning naked. I replied saying I wished I was there to make tanning more fun. She replied saying that its ok because Kevin was there. My girlfriend was tanning naked with another guy over. FML

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79311

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By brittaneejanex - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my curious cat jumped in. She decided she really doesn't like showers and to avoid getting wet, used my naked body as a makeshift tree. FML

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36624

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By Anonymous - Italy - Verona

Today, as I woke up, the first thing I saw was a bee on my hand. I tried not to make the slightest move, waiting for it to fly away without stinging me. The second thing I saw was my cat jumping at it. FML

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4662

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By naagodinho - Portugal

Today, I applied to a new gym. Now I have a hernia. FML

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22818

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By ahh - United Kingdom

Today, the last person I invited to my birthday party called and said they couldn't come because another party "came up" and they "hope I understand". It's on December 31st. This happens every year without fail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30830

You deserved it

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By Noname - United States

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

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486218

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the three-year-old I was babysitting asked me where my boyfriend was. I told her he was at his house. I'm twenty and single. I lied to a three year old to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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47733

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By need not know - 19/1/2020 05:00

Still married

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

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2816

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211

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By MR - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided to teach me a lesson about carelessly leaving my wallet about. She left it on the floor so our puppy could use it and its contents as a chew toy. I was almost impressed to discover that he can eat three £20 notes and still have room for debit cards. FML

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27949

You deserved it

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By WeightonmyShoulders - United States - Canandaigua

Today, I realized that I know, all too well, what it feels like to have my over-middle-age boss's boob on my shoulder. FML

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Top comments

By Future_Mrs_Voltz | 0

#783126 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:05

why did you want more than $10? all you did was grab three things

By nandonando | 0

#783123 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:04

is your friend hot?

COMMENTS

By nandonando | 0

#783123 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:04

is your friend hot?

DragonMasterMF | 0

#783953 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 10:04

If yes:

Is she naked?

cotter567 | 0

#795615 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:01

what the he'll is wrong with your brother? is he like frigfen mentally handicapped or something like seriously.

rupert_45 | 0

#1004688 - Monday 24 May 2010 1:41

can I keep the photo?

hb215 | 2

#4806177 - Sunday 12 August 2012 22:24

What if OP is a guy?

reddawn1985 | 12

#4837315 - Monday 20 August 2012 6:36

A dead bird....?

By Future_Mrs_Voltz | 0

#783126 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:05

why did you want more than $10? all you did was grab three things

b182link | 0

#969402 - Saturday 27 March 2010 19:01

plus she got a free meal and a picture of her friend so she can frame it on her room

By caancoha | 0

#783128 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:05

Look, you have dinner and decorations.

jessxoxo28 | 5

#783537 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 4:39

haha #3 bitchhh

By MrC19 | 0

#783131 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:06

this isn't really a fml

PunxsatownyPhil | 0

#783288 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 2:07

She/he had to pull a dead bird out from under a bed.

By urlifesbeeneffed | 0

#783137 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:07

it doesn't even end with FML

By rachexl | 0

#783140 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:07

great job mods... no FML?

Vanni | 0

#783149 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:08

Sorry, accidental backspace!
>_>

Sirin_fml | 46

#783438 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 3:32

*facepalm*

By Nic_hole | 0

#783141 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:07

hahaha #3 lolz, dang..xD

By HeresReality | 0

#783144 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:08

you get $10, this isn't an fml

By bbq34567 | 2

#783150 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:09

You shouldn't have even got $10

Just think of what kids in Chinese sweatshops have to do for $10

krnmafia92 | 0

#783367 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 2:56

Unless I read this wrong, he isn't in a Chinese sweatshop. Hence, your point is moot.

This is not an FML. You got $10 and a prank prop.

growingupnextmon | 3

#784033 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 11:54

He just did a lot more work then some people do for ten dollars...especially if the bird had been there a while.

sleepyolivia | 14

#6665432 - Friday 5 August 2016 2:51

Kids in Chinese sweatshops don't do anything for ten dollars. China doesn't use USD currency.

(This is a joke.)

By gobbledegook | 0

#783158 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 1:10

wow this isn't an fml, who moderated this?

Sirin_fml | 46

#783442 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 3:34

About 500 of your peers, me included. You called?

iBlazer | 0

#783746 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 6:59

FML's get worse by the day. Today, I had to pick up a rotten apple. I only got paid $10 for it. FML. Give me a break.

viviville | 0

#3003741 - Saturday 30 July 2011 20:22

plus the picture and the DEAD BIRD. jeez