Intimacy: Today, my long-distance girlfriend drunk dialed me and told me...

By Wallz99 - Pakistan - Plot

Today, my long-distance girlfriend drunk dialed me and told me she was horny. Surprised, I exclaimed, "You're horny?" without realizing my boss was right next to me. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Triage

Season finale

By Bartender - United States - Saint Paul

Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML

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By NightzGremlin - 12/9/2020 14:01

No sleep for the wicked

Today, I came home from work to find construction workers repaving my street. I work the graveyard shift. FML

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By pops up - United States

Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML

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By anon

Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML

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By bearded lady - 8/6/2020 14:03

Can't face it

Today, thanks to all my medications, I've been growing thick, dark hair on my face. I decided to use hair removal cream instead of shaving. The cream removed every trace of hair, but also made my skin about 4 times lighter than the rest of my face. It's even more noticeable than the beard. FML

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By lfssecond - United States

Today, while arriving at my best friend's wedding, I accidentally ran over her 2 dogs. FML

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By WentInABush - United States - Portland

Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML

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By mikey09 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I am an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML

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By Anonymous

Hygiene 101

Today, my mother refused to talk to me because I wouldn't let her use my deodorant stick. FML

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By JustLeaveThem

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

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By MrZach - United States

Today, I had a tooth pulled. An hour or so later, I removed the gauze from my mouth, because I thought the bleeding had stopped. I got on my laptop. A few minutes later I looked down, to see that I had drooled blood all over the keyboard, and didn't know because my mouth was numb. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 14:02

OK, well, goodbye

Today I ordered an anchovy pizza without the mushroom. Instead, I got a mushroom pizza without the anchovy. Then, when I went to take it back, the store had closed. Permanently. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I had to get my hair chopped off for a role that I'm playing in a show. I was staring at the floor while the woman cut my hair, and I suddenly heard her start crying. Her tears were immediately followed by "It's okay! I have a friend in New York who can fix it. We won't charge you." FML

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By SJDAOisdjlkSADlksda - United States

Today, I witnessed my sister use some ice cubes on her blistered toes, then quietly return them to the tray in the fridge. I've been putting ice from there into my drinks for weeks. FML

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By brokeandsingle - United Kingdom

Today, I finally made the last payment on the beautiful engagement ring I bought and proposed with - two years ago. To my ex-girlfriend, who said no and promptly started sleeping with one of my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I snuck into the bathroom together at his house for a quickie. Just as we unzipped our pants, his step-dad knocked on the door. Panicking, I jumped into the closet to hide. When his step-dad came in, he went to put some towels away. In the closet. FML

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By nowork - United States - Liverpool

Today, I asked my boss for a raise, explaining that another shop offered me a job at a higher rate, but I would stay if he would offer me the same. Instead, he fired me then called the other shop and said I was fired for failing a drug test. FML

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By inappropes

Start your Monday with a Song!

Today, I came into work early to clean equipment, with my headphones on, singing to myself. I lost track of time, and wound up with the entire office watching me belt tunes out. FML

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Rocky VIX

Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML

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1271

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By Braced - United States

Today, my dad and I were shovelling snow off the roof. I told him I was going to jump off the roof. He told me to go ahead, so I did. He failed to tell me that the snow was packed and wouldn't break my fall. I now have an injured back. He didn't tell me because he didn't think I would actually do it. FML

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By ruserious - Australia - Sydney

Today, I discovered my new step-dad has a rule about the shower. After three minutes, he turns the water off at the source. I had to beg him to turn it back on whilst covered in shampoo suds, and the only way I could get him to give me another minute was to forfeit my phone for the week. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 08:08

For the life of him indeed

Today, my significant other decided it’s safe to travel to Brazil for Christmas break, even though they are heavily impacted by Covid. He doesn't understand for the life of him why we should skip this year. FML

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By me. - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when the condom broke. He told me to go put a tampon in to "soak up the kids". How did he graduate? FML

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By WipeYaBooty - United States - Franklin

Today, I woke up with chest pain. It hurt just to breathe, but my parents made me go to school. We're sitting in the emergency room now. FML

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By onemoreruinedthing - United States

Today, my little brother learned to write his name. How did he tell the family? By writing it in permanent marker all over my 100 year old piano. FML

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By R_U_CEREAL - United States

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

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By library book - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to the public library for the first time ever. The librarian told me I couldn't get a library card because I had an outstanding balance of $130.00 from 1995. I was born in 1991. FML

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By jalapenos99 - United States

Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML

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By Forever Alone - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that my mom bet my dad $100 that she could pay my boyfriend ten bucks to break up with me. She is now $90 richer. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 20:00

Stuck in a rut

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 00:11 - Canada - Toronto

Timing

Today, my boyfriend came out of the closet. In the middle of us having sex. FML

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By wookieewhosshe

Today, I woke up on the floor with my feet still in the bed. I had passed out while vomiting into a bucket, since I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. The bucket had spilled all over my bed. FML

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By natural selection i guess

Today, I found out why my biology class TA, who takes the class alongside the other students, was always so eager to collect my work. Turns out, she's been erasing my name on my papers and writing hers in all semester. My failing final grade has already been finalized. FML

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By knicksfan - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She gave me back the brand new box of 12 condoms that I had bought and left at her house. There were 8 left and I wasn't the one who opened them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent all day handing out flyers advertising my services as a psychic. I got only one call. The caller wanted to inform me that I had misspelt the word "psychic" on my flyer. She was right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML

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By unfortunate - United States

Today, I was late to work and couldn't get my gas tank open. Panicking, I asked the only person around to help me who happened to be a very large man. He was able to open it for me and seemed really nice. That is until he pulled out a knife and robbed me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was at my boyfriend's grandmother's house meeting her for the first time. I excused myself to the restroom and as I walked out of the room I heard her say, "You could do a lot better. She's fat." Then I heard my boyfriend reply, "I know." FML

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By My Life Is Just PERFECT - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. 10 minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML

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Top comments

By daytoday21 | 10

#5455994 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:00

Why so surprised anyway?

By perdix | 29

#5456001 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:04

Drunk, horny and far away? Your boss knowing that is the least of your problems. A man on her end of the phone should be of more immediate concern to you!

This is not going to end well.

COMMENTS

By XxTaliaxX | 16

#5455993 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:00

Yikes! that must have been embarrassing.

SoulAmeliorate | 16

#5456026 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:19

Boss: "Well, I thought you'd never ask!"

Matt_greener | 8

#5456043 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:29

I would play it off like " oo she said yo homey. :p" Just cause i'm a fast thinker like that.

xXHollowIchigoXx | 17

#5456500 - Saturday 20 April 2013 0:58

#18 I would've starred at my boss, made that face in your profile pic, and yelled "Impossibruh!" into the phone. Cuz I'm socially awkward like that.

Matt_greener | 8

#5461233 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 8:08

#48 i ruined your comment by changing my picture :( i'm sorry.

By daytoday21 | 10

#5455994 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:00

Why so surprised anyway?

Damian95 | 16

#5456098 - Friday 19 April 2013 17:53

Open mouth insert foot.

By Blee864 | 16

#5455995 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:01

I'd told boss man I felt sick and had to go!!

MathildeDamm | 17

#5456029 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:21

Tell*... even though the rest of your comment still doesn't make sense.

fishstick557 | 14

#5456034 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:24

3 it was a long distance girlfriend

firefighter925 | 18

#5456133 - Friday 19 April 2013 18:29

I got you man... we don't need time for grammar! we put the wet stuff on the red stuff!!

firefighter925 | 18

#5456140 - Friday 19 April 2013 18:33

have*

dancinwookie | 21

#5456494 - Saturday 20 April 2013 0:51

#34- No time for grammar, but then immediately correct yourself? Make up your damn mind!

CamcAmIaM | 10

#5456885 - Saturday 20 April 2013 6:15

Silly hose-monkeys

By nikki_1717_ | 8

#5455996 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:02

Been there!

By lilhellian | 26

#5455998 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:03

I think recieving a sext tops this

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5456000 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:03

Did you satisfy her with sexy star wars references?

By perdix | 29

#5456001 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:04

Drunk, horny and far away? Your boss knowing that is the least of your problems. A man on her end of the phone should be of more immediate concern to you!

This is not going to end well.

daytoday21 | 10

#5457329 - Saturday 20 April 2013 17:07

Just because she's horny doesn't mean she's going to cheat- clearly when she's horny she wants *him*, not some random guy, or she wouldn't have called