Intimacy: Today, my long-distance girlfriend drunk dialed me and told me...

By Wallz99 - Pakistan - Plot

Today, my long-distance girlfriend drunk dialed me and told me she was horny. Surprised, I exclaimed, "You're horny?" without realizing my boss was right next to me. FML

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Intimacy

BO Central

Dangling modifier

Bad timing

By c

Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML

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By M to the line - France

Today, I lied and said I was late for work because my car's tire was flat. Two hours later, some of my friends came in and said something along the lines that "We should do brunch every saturday, (like this morning) it was awesome!" in front of my manager. FML

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By chubrubber - United States - Bronx

Today, I participated in a walk for charity. Even though I was supposed to walk 5K, I stopped after 3K because the pain from my thighs rubbing together nearly sent me to tears. FML

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By moxy

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westminster

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

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By whatthewoah - United States

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I wanted revenge on my college's drinks machine. For the past two days, it forgot to release a cup before pouring my coffee. This time, I had planned ahead; I put my money in, entered the code, and quickly inserted my own cup. It gave me hot water. FML

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By fuundmental/// - Australia

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML

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By mass message - Canada

Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML

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By jess - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up and decided to make my mom a special Easter breakfast in bed. I pre-heated the oven to bake the sausage just the way she likes. Guess where my easter basket was. FML

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By yummolives - United States

Today, my little sister recieved a fairy costume from my aunt. She put it on and waves her wand at me. She said,"Abra cadabra bibbity poo. I wish Sydney was pretty." When I did nothing, she put her hands on her hips and says,"Cant you just act pretty?" FML

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By makeitstop - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML

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By freakedout - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the doctor's waiting room. When I woke up, the room was empty, and there was a $1 bill tucked into my cleavage. FML

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By no one - United States

Today, my back hurt really badly, so I decided to stay in bed. After a while, I sat up to shut the door. When I leaned over to reach it, I fell off my bed and face-planted the floor. After picking myself up and getting comfortable in my bed again, I realized the door was still open. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

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By conductingfromthegrave - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

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By Patrick - United States

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waldorf

Make it stop

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors. They have a four-month-old child and appear to be firm believers in the "let them cry it out" philosophy. The baby's room is right above mine. A few days of trying to sleep through this shit and I'll look like a Walking Dead extra. FML

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By AUDONEE - United States

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

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By rick - Sweden

Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML

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By Socklessandsmelly - United States

Today, after 7 hours on my feet at work, my boyfriend picked me up. Relieved, I took off my shoes. Suddenly, he looked up and sniffed asking,"are those your feet?" I had forgotten to put on socks in my rush to work. He made me put my shoes back on and sit in the back, windows open. FML

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By DesperateBich

Today, I was in band rehearsing for a big concert coming up. Since the band was practicing with the orchestra and there weren’t enough seats, we had to stand. My back was facing everyone when my friend tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to my ass. I got my period and everyone saw the stain. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

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By IHateMyLife - 6/4/2021 00:30

Promises, promises

Today, my boyfriend promised me to cook dinner if I picked him up from work, almost 100 km and 2-hour drive. I did this even though I worked the night shift yesterday and had to today and normally have to sleep a lot. But no, after we got home, he fell asleep and was still sleeping and snoring when I had to go. FML

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By Jerrrr - United States

Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML

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By EggHead - Canada - Toronto

Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML

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By NotFunny - United States

Today, I missed my bus by a minute. I called up my step dad asking him if he can drive me because I had a test first period. After about calling him twenty times, and him not picking up, I see him drive by the bus stop pointing at me and laughing hysterically. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I attended a job fair for a position at a shop. I was the only one who showed and submitted an application. I didn't get the job. FML

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By angie429 - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to my family's traditional late Thanksgiving dinner. While eating, my mom brought up celebrity infidelity. My grandpa ended up looking me in the eye and saying, "Look Angie, sometimes what a man has just isn't enough. When that happens, cheating is forgiveable." FML

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By themanontheright - United States

Today, my boss was using my computer and tried to copy and paste a website URL. It must not have copied first, because it pasted a URL to a porn site. I think I should start looking for a new job. FML

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By Chelsea - United States - Aurora

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

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By MC Turtledick - United States

Today, I walked out and saw four kids mercilessly keying my car. When I questioned them on it, they said "Oh, that was your car? Oh well at least we didn't pee on your door handles too." FML

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By Lockout - Germany - Kiel

Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML

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By terdberglerforlyfe - Brazil - Mogi Das Cruzes

Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML

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By now what - 26/7/2020 05:01

Family extension

Today, I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in about 5 years. She had her 4-year-old son with her. I couldn’t help but notice her son looked almost identical to mine. He even had a very distinct facial feature that my husband has as well. What are the odds all three of them have the same defect? FML

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By SterlingEnigma - United States

Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Croydon

Today, my face got intimate with several plywood boards, and I suffered lacerations and bruising. I told my friends I got the wounds from taking a few guys down in a bar fight. Now they're dragging me out into a rough part of town to give them "muscle" while they try to score some crack. FML

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By lovehurts - United States - New Baltimore

Today, I met up with my 'on again, off again' girlfriend of 4 years that I'm still madly in love with. We've been broken up for a few months and she's been dating someone else. We talked about possibly trying things again. When I got home, I found out she's engaged. FML

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By JuggaloSlasher15 - United States

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

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Top comments

By daytoday21 | 10

#5455994 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:00

Why so surprised anyway?

By perdix | 29

#5456001 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:04

Drunk, horny and far away? Your boss knowing that is the least of your problems. A man on her end of the phone should be of more immediate concern to you!

This is not going to end well.

COMMENTS

By XxTaliaxX | 16

#5455993 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:00

Yikes! that must have been embarrassing.

SoulAmeliorate | 16

#5456026 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:19

Boss: "Well, I thought you'd never ask!"

Matt_greener | 8

#5456043 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:29

I would play it off like " oo she said yo homey. :p" Just cause i'm a fast thinker like that.

xXHollowIchigoXx | 17

#5456500 - Saturday 20 April 2013 0:58

#18 I would've starred at my boss, made that face in your profile pic, and yelled "Impossibruh!" into the phone. Cuz I'm socially awkward like that.

Matt_greener | 8

#5461233 - Tuesday 23 April 2013 8:08

#48 i ruined your comment by changing my picture :( i'm sorry.

By daytoday21 | 10

#5455994 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:00

Why so surprised anyway?

Damian95 | 16

#5456098 - Friday 19 April 2013 17:53

Open mouth insert foot.

By Blee864 | 16

#5455995 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:01

I'd told boss man I felt sick and had to go!!

MathildeDamm | 17

#5456029 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:21

Tell*... even though the rest of your comment still doesn't make sense.

fishstick557 | 14

#5456034 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:24

3 it was a long distance girlfriend

firefighter925 | 18

#5456133 - Friday 19 April 2013 18:29

I got you man... we don't need time for grammar! we put the wet stuff on the red stuff!!

firefighter925 | 18

#5456140 - Friday 19 April 2013 18:33

have*

dancinwookie | 21

#5456494 - Saturday 20 April 2013 0:51

#34- No time for grammar, but then immediately correct yourself? Make up your damn mind!

CamcAmIaM | 10

#5456885 - Saturday 20 April 2013 6:15

Silly hose-monkeys

By nikki_1717_ | 8

#5455996 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:02

Been there!

By lilhellian | 26

#5455998 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:03

I think recieving a sext tops this

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5456000 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:03

Did you satisfy her with sexy star wars references?

By perdix | 29

#5456001 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:04

Drunk, horny and far away? Your boss knowing that is the least of your problems. A man on her end of the phone should be of more immediate concern to you!

This is not going to end well.

daytoday21 | 10

#5457329 - Saturday 20 April 2013 17:07

Just because she's horny doesn't mean she's going to cheat- clearly when she's horny she wants *him*, not some random guy, or she wouldn't have called