Miscellaneous: Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump.... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

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Proactive

BO Central

Do as I say, not as I do

By Jason

Today, I bought my crush a bouquet of roses plus one fake. The line was going to be, "I'll stop loving you when the last rose dies." I told my best friend and he thought it was such an amazing idea that he stole the fake rose and gave it to her himself. Guess who got the girl. FML

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By kayt240 - Canada

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - De Soto

Today, I was at a party. A guy kept looking at me, so I tried to strike up a conversation with him. I realized he was drunk when he slurred, "Ya know, you're the only girl I've met that's fat AND flat chested!" There goes my self-esteem. FML

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By licensed_ginger - United States - Barberton

Today, my boyfriend told me he didn't feel attractive. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that I find him very attractive, and so do my friends. He said that didn't matter, because my friends and I aren't attractive either. FML

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By alliobamy - United States

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

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By pantydropper - United States

Today, I grabbed a pair of pants from the dryer in a hurry, trying to make it to the bank. When I rushed in, I felt something fall down my leg. It was a pair of my mom's granny panties that had been stuck inside my jeans. I kicked them aside, hoping no one would notice. They did. FML

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By catlover - China

Today, our new cat, which my mum was hesitant about letting us keep because she believes they're diseased, gave us all ringworm. FML

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By Casden - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, "I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall." At which point he said, "Sorry, I didn't think people really called those numbers." FML

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By cjay2200 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bisbee

Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my belly button pierced. The guy put a small dot with a sharpie right above the center of my belly button so he knew exactly where to pierce. I also have a small freckle noticeably to the left of center of my belly button. Guess which one he pierced through. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was so bored at my job as a receptionist that I actually got excited when the phone rang. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 19:02 - United States - Saint Paul

Stress level: 2020

Today, after pushing myself really hard all week to find a new job, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend with my family. Nope, I got a migraine and can barely function, but also can't sleep. FML

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By Bubba - United States

Today, I bought a fish bowl and a fish for $15. I brought him home and sat him on my desk. Everything was going well until the shelf gave out and his bowl slid off of the shelf... onto my $2,000 computer. The computer is fried and is not covered by the insurance, the fish is fine. FML

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By Home sick

Today, I was called fat by my boyfriend's old-fashioned mom. I'm not close to fat but I'm not really skinny either so she calls me fat. She also complained that my feet makes noise when I walk and that girls shouldn't make noise when walking. This week has been hell. FML

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By Me - Australia

Today, I tried taking a shortcut through a nature trail, hoping to save myself some time getting back to my car. I ended up getting lost for nearly 3 hours and getting to work nearly 2 hours late. FML

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By DarkChild - France

Today, I found my 6-year-old daughter recording herself on her little tape recorder. When I asked her what she was up to, she replied in her cute little voice, "I'm recording myself so you'll have a souvenir when I'm dead." FML

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By WhyDoINeedAName - Canada - Okotoks

Today, as always, I'm dating one of the few girls who, without fail, always finishes first when we get intimate. She's also one of those girlfriends who doesn't want to continue once she's done. FML

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By troublewithbleach - United States

Today, I was cleaning my bathroom, and accidentally spilled bleach, ruining my shower curtain, rugs, and towels. While attempting to wipe up the bleach, I knocked over a bottle of shower cleaner. It read, "WARNING: DO NOT MIX WITH BLEACH." I still can't go in the house. FML

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By Watchtower? More like fortress. - Norway - Oslo

Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML

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By Richie - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were buying Subway. When it came to ring up the order the lady asked us together or separate? My girlfriend looked and said separate. Half-jokingly, I asked if it was some sort of hint. She looked at me and said yes. I got broken up over a 12-inch ham sub. FML

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By Nicky_ham - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on my third date with this really cute girl. After a very romantic evening, I decided to go for the first kiss, but because of my nervous reflex in which I get bloody noses, I ended up bleeding all over her face. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - Australia - Perth

Today, I finally sorted out my health insurance and went to the doctor. After seeing my X-rays and confirming I still had scoliosis, he also confirmed arthritis in both hips, 2 exploded discs and that I have "the back of a 50 year-old." I'm 24. FML

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By PizzaPants - United States - Denver

Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

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By swirkishly - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

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By shifala - Philippines - Caloocan

Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML

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By Flarewolf - United Kingdom

Today, my family went and visited my nan. She ushered me in close and asked, "When are you going to knock it off with all this emo cockshite?" FML

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By CarolinaD - United States

Today, my son's teacher told me that I should take my son to the doctor, because he has been complaining of bad headaches. They ran some tests, and then removed a peanut that's apparently been lodged in his nose for months. FML

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By Dan

John Tucker would've known what to do.

Today, in a rush, I accidentally wore my sister's underwear. I'm a guy. I had gym class today. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the guy I was seeing had a girlfriend that he hid from me. I found this out when she attacked me. FML

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By promposer - United States - Dobbs Ferry

Today, I asked a girl to prom by having 5 friends hold up signs saying "P-R-O-M-?" while I snuck up behind her. She said yes... to my friend holding the "?", who she thought was the one asking her. FML

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By out of the closet - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I had to tell the third guy that my mother set me up with that it wasn't him, it's me. Apparently my mother thinks if she sets me up with enough guys, I will "date the gay out". FML

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By Nursr187

Today, my wife asked me to back up all the photos and videos from our desktop computer so I synced it with my Google account. Every graphic picture and video my wife and I have ever exchanged was sent to all 3 of our children's tablets. My daughter cried all night. FML

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By waterdog - United States

Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Peru

Classic Jeff

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband decided it would be a good idea, when he was supposed to do his speech, to stand up and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Genitals. That is all." FML

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By crystalpistol - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

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Top comments

By albinorhino | 0

#629414 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:07

well that shit musta been worth it huh...

By haxx_fml | 0

#629467 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:32

Were you scared shitless? :)

COMMENTS

By Sage1314 | 4

#629407 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:05

Awesome.

Reply

Zezing | 0

#629759 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 19:39

Ydi for not having venomous guard snakes

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#629989 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 21:26

... I now wish I had venomous gaurd snakes. That would be awesome.

Reply

matt5217 | 4

#1310047 - Friday 27 August 2010 22:13

reminds me of the movie cop out

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5107314 - Friday 2 November 2012 8:17

Until they bite you. Then not so awesome.

By Silent_Harmony | 3

#629409 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:06

And you didn't hear it?

Reply

SueSylvester_fan | 0

#629418 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:09

Of course he didn't hear it. When people go #2 they grunt and make lots of noises.

By albinorhino | 0

#629414 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:07

well that shit musta been worth it huh...

By Zhejan | 0

#629415 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:08

And he didn't rob your poo?

By 123man | 11

#629416 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:08

Hear it?! I don't know about you, but when I crap, I crap LOUD. He was probably gruntin' so hard he wouldn't have heard sirens outside.

Reply

timtam24 | 0

#629432 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:20

good to know

Reply

Kervik | 0

#629508 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:48

"I don't know about you, but when I crap, I crap LOUD."

Yup, the whole internet wanted to hear that.

Reply

Silent_Harmony | 3

#629610 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 17:40

LMFAO!

Reply

Zezing | 0

#629692 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 18:45

I did

Reply

Polionixon | 2

#630300 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:54

LOL!

By 99MDC | 0

#629426 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:12

Shitty.

By Gen_Knowledge | 0

#629438 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:23

At least they didn't get your Laptop. Good turn, to take it with you while dumping.

By Ellowise_fml | 0

#629442 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:25

Haha :) This makes me chuckle. But I'm sorry :(

By skyeyez9 | 24

#629445 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:26

sorry. My friends place was robbed while they were home too. the burglar cut a hole in the glass james bond style, no noise, nothing. Stole his moms jewerly, digital camera, 2 laptops. Burglar emptied my friends school gym bag an stuffed the loot in there.
Shit happens. And some burglars are very sneaky that you may not even be aware it is happening.

By haxx_fml | 0

#629467 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:32

Were you scared shitless? :)

Reply

starlalove | 0

#629838 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 20:19

LOL.

Reply

CrazeDblaze | 0

#915245 - Friday 5 March 2010 1:41

lmfao