Miscellaneous: Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump.... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Taking stock

Who talks to you like that at work?

By Anonymous - United States - Nashville

Creepypasta

Today, for the first time, I made a guy get a boner and make out with me. This would've been great if it hadn't been a dream, and if the guy in question hadn't been my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML

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By BluesMan1990 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Grand Bay

Today, I thought it would be funny to mow a dick into my grandmother's lawn, but the mower leaked gasoline and now there's a giant dead grass outline. FML

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By Ray - 31/12/2020 16:58

Anticlimactic

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm the best lay of his life. I really wish I could say the same about him. FML

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By admin1771 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I'm supposed to go to my girlfriend's house for Christmas with her family. I got a text from her saying that her dad found our used condom package from last night. I'm supposed to be there in 3 hours. FML

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By ihatemyex - 23/5/2020 14:00

Who are you?

Today, a woman I’d never met came to my door asking if my kids were ready to go. Obviously I refused to send my kids with a stranger. Apparently she’s my ex's new girlfriend and "has his permission" to come get my kids. Now he’s threatening to take me to court for violating the visitation order. FML

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By notsosmart - Australia

Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Doncaster

Today, my vegetarian girlfriend put some ghost pepper hot sauce on my steak to teach me a "lesson" about eating meat. FML

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By sanoria51 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the hot girl he's been sending nudes to and cybering with for the past month is probably a bored, fat-as-fuck, balding male living in his mum's basement. The look on his face after I proved that "her" pictures were fake broke my heart. FML

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By shygurl434 - United States

Today, the boy I like finally acknowledged me. He came up to me and uttered two words: "Nice pooper." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 17:01 - Panama - Cuba

Send nudes

Today, my boyfriend said he regrets loving or even meeting me because of the distance between us, and because I won't send nudes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were out to eat. The waiter came and asked what we wanted. My boyfriend said he wanted a cheeseburger and I told the waiter I'd have the same. My boyfriend looked at me and said, "Are you sure you don't want a salad?" FML

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By Sparks - United States

Today, after a few beers, I was exiting the bathroom of a loud house party when the door jammed. I had to climb out through the shower window. It was fool proof until my foot got stuck. I hung outside the house upside down in the dark yelling for an hour before someone figured out where I was. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I just got back from a two week vacation. I live with six people and only the dog was happy to see me. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my boyfriend threw a fit because I "still" live with my mother at age 30. I bought her an apartment in my building and hired a live-in nurse because she is senile and permanently bedridden. FML

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By Co-B - United States

Today, my girlfriend reached into my pocket to get my keys so she could get something out of my car. When she yanked them out, the condom that we just used flew up into the air and landed on the floor in front of her entire family. FML

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By marsbar - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

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By soccer8goalie - United States - Parkersburg

Today, I was punched in the face because my uncontrollable hiccups were "annoying". FML

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By Meh - United States - Bothell

Today, I found out that my roommate has a good voice, because he loudly sings Korean love songs at one in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2021 05:03

Is it not your baby as well?

Today, I'm starting to realize my wife's baby loves me more than my wife. FML

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By joking0303 - United States

Today, my friend gave me a fortune cookie that said, "Don't be saddened by an upcoming event". Three hours later my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too superstitious. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 08:08

Warm up guy

Today, it seems that my four previous girlfriends all left me because they found better, more attractive, more wealthy, more interesting men. My entire love life feels like I’m the warm up act for the main event of other dudes getting laid. FML

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By ugh thanks - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, after having been told that I looked horrible for the last five months, I decided to give myself a make-over. As soon as the make-up artist was done, I told her I didn't like it, and that I still didn't like how I look. She simply replied: ''Well, I'm a make-up artist, not a magician!'' FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I spent six hours at the ER. Why? My husband dared our seventeen-year-old son to recreate a 'Jackass' trolley-hedge diving stunt at the local supermarket. What wasn't on my groceries list was a broken arm, fractured wrist, whiplash and cuts and bruises. FML

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By ArtistBlock

Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and stuffed the turkey, popped it in the oven and sent a mass text out to my family about how amazing it would be. Everyone arrived, we began making plates of food when I checked the turkey, and realized I never even turned on the oven. FML

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By The Draught of Living Death

Today, I shared an elevator alone with an attractive co-worker. On our way up, she let out a loud, noxious rip. She covered her nose and mouth while giving me an accusing look, as I said with a straight face, "Excuse you." Later, I received a note from HR for harassment. FML

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By Anonymous

What's your emergency?

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

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By atsukobo - United States

Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML

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By goldfish - Canada

Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, my new boyfriend and I really wanted to have sex, but he went soft as soon as he entered me. This happens every time we try. I feel cursed by my year-long dry spell. FML

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By beaverfever - Poland - Kolobrzeg

Today, I wore a tank top for the first time in a few years. It turned out even worse than the last time. I got insulted by several people over my "Never say never" upper chest tattoo, which I got years ago, before the words ever became associated with a certain douchy Canadian pop "singer". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

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By emm - United States

Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was extremely upset and I called my boyfriend for comfort and to help inspect the damage. After taking a good look at the car, he said, "Damn, if only you fucked this hard." FML

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By ClothMom - United States

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. Seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "welcome to the neighborhood" about these parts. FML

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By TheHarvardian - United States - Ft Mitchell

Sneaky

Today, I got fired from a job that I've had for four days for being too "secretive." Apparently, I was leaning over my notebook so that my boss couldn't stand behind me and read what I was writing. The email literally said I was "being too sneaky". They were work notes. FML

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By Crash - United States

Beep beep

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn't paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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Top comments

By albinorhino | 0

#629414 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:07

well that shit musta been worth it huh...

By haxx_fml | 0

#629467 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:32

Were you scared shitless? :)

COMMENTS

By Sage1314 | 4

#629407 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:05

Awesome.

Reply

Zezing | 0

#629759 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 19:39

Ydi for not having venomous guard snakes

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#629989 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 21:26

... I now wish I had venomous gaurd snakes. That would be awesome.

Reply

matt5217 | 4

#1310047 - Friday 27 August 2010 22:13

reminds me of the movie cop out

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5107314 - Friday 2 November 2012 8:17

Until they bite you. Then not so awesome.

By Silent_Harmony | 3

#629409 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:06

And you didn't hear it?

Reply

SueSylvester_fan | 0

#629418 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:09

Of course he didn't hear it. When people go #2 they grunt and make lots of noises.

By albinorhino | 0

#629414 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:07

well that shit musta been worth it huh...

By Zhejan | 0

#629415 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:08

And he didn't rob your poo?

By 123man | 11

#629416 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:08

Hear it?! I don't know about you, but when I crap, I crap LOUD. He was probably gruntin' so hard he wouldn't have heard sirens outside.

Reply

timtam24 | 0

#629432 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:20

good to know

Reply

Kervik | 0

#629508 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:48

"I don't know about you, but when I crap, I crap LOUD."

Yup, the whole internet wanted to hear that.

Reply

Silent_Harmony | 3

#629610 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 17:40

LMFAO!

Reply

Zezing | 0

#629692 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 18:45

I did

Reply

Polionixon | 2

#630300 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:54

LOL!

By 99MDC | 0

#629426 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:12

Shitty.

By Gen_Knowledge | 0

#629438 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:23

At least they didn't get your Laptop. Good turn, to take it with you while dumping.

By Ellowise_fml | 0

#629442 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:25

Haha :) This makes me chuckle. But I'm sorry :(

By skyeyez9 | 24

#629445 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:26

sorry. My friends place was robbed while they were home too. the burglar cut a hole in the glass james bond style, no noise, nothing. Stole his moms jewerly, digital camera, 2 laptops. Burglar emptied my friends school gym bag an stuffed the loot in there.
Shit happens. And some burglars are very sneaky that you may not even be aware it is happening.

By haxx_fml | 0

#629467 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 16:32

Were you scared shitless? :)

Reply

starlalove | 0

#629838 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 20:19

LOL.

Reply

CrazeDblaze | 0

#915245 - Friday 5 March 2010 1:41

lmfao