By rahhhnnnn

You can't win sometimes

Today, I learned that because I clean everything in my roommate's house and keep the lights low to save energy, and respect him and do things in the proper way I was raised, he and his friends and girlfriend think I’m weird and won’t speak to me. FML

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Sorry…

Dangling modifier

Crushed

By fryebaby623 - United States - Vero Beach

Snap!

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

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By bad surprise - United States

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the open toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

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By Kilika - United States

Today, I came home and found my desk devoid of all paper. Turned out my mom dropped by and wanted to surprise me by cleaning up my work area. She threw away over 7 months worth of irreplaceable original sketches, notes and storylines, thinking they were worthless. My job is a full-time artist. FML

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By JoeBidenIsMyFIL

Boundaries, dude!

Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my co-worker and I played a game where we give each other the bird in whatever creative manner we could come up with. Deciding to be sneaky, I hid behind a wall with my middle finger up as I heard him walking into the office. It was my boss. FML

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By sincerely - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally called me after a week of barely any communication. He wanted to talk to my brother about Call of Duty. FML

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By a critically injured shitehawk - United Kingdom - York

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML

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By who wants spaghetti - United States - Oconomowoc

Today, during a family dinner, I witnessed my younger brother casually slip his hand down the back of his pants, take it out, sniff each finger individually, before stirring his hand in his spaghetti and continue to eat normally. I was the only one who saw this. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I took my dog for a basic spay and dental cleaning procedure. When I picked her up from the vet, I was reading through the surgery papers before they sent me away. They'd pulled 29 abscessed teeth and didn’t feel the need to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Close, but no cigar

Today, my boyfriend tried to compliment my date-night attire. His brain couldn't decide between, "So pretty" and, "You're the shit," so his mouth decided, "You're so shitty" would suffice. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML

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By TheRawrza - United States

Today, I was at a pool party. Standing outside of the pool, I was hesitant about taking my shirt off. A girl in the pool shouted "Hey, you're not the only fat one here, don't feel bad!". I was worried about what my friends would think of my new bellybutton ring, I don't think I'm fat. FML

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By best_mom_ever - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

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By btg - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend feeds her boogers to our dog. Sometimes she even makes her do tricks for them. FML

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By recmonty - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, in a training class, I got to see a picture of what can happen when a man does not wear a safety harness correctly. For those of you who are unaware, male body parts are easily severed by loose straps. I cannot un-see that picture. It wasn't even a harness safety class. FML

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By in love with a nerd - United States

Lrn 2 Read

Today, my boyfriend refuses to talk to me because of a misread text. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML

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By coinoperatedgirl - United States

Today, I realized that I will never be able to buy the car I've wanted since middle school. The car? A greyish-silver Volvo, which is the make and color of car Kurt Cobain drove. The reason? I've been informed that it's also the make and color of the car that Edward Cullen drives in Twilight. FML

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By mustanggt - United States - Utica

Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles down the road, one of the joints gave out and the whole thing broke on the freeway, scattering lumber and splinters everywhere. The traffic cop called me the worst carpenter in the whole state. FML

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By notready - Australia

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend at a dinner with our two families. Not only did she flatly reject me, my dad said, "Good call. He's not ready." FML

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By that makes me a sad panda - Sweden - Ume

Today, my landlord's control issue got out of control when I got a call telling me I have "too much stuff" and have to move out of the apartment. I sold all my furniture when I moved in and all I currently own is a scratch post, a chair and a pair of curtains. FML

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By shahman14

Today, I started working at an extremely prestigious bank. In the first five minutes of being there, the boss had me do his laundry at a Laundromat, and when I actually tried to work, he kept showing me some magic tricks. Later on, he fired me for HIS mistake of giving an extra $400 to a customer. FML

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By Elmoo - Netherlands

Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML

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By Anyonexx0 - United States - Washington

Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML

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By missseloit3

Today, I met a nice guy who wanted to chat. I didn't want to be the bitchy type and throw him the "I have a boyfriend" line right away, so I conversed with him. When he asked was I single I, of course, said no. He yelled at me and made a huge scene about me leading him on. FML

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By Silentshdw13 - United States - Arlington

Today, after moving back in with my parents, I found out they had held on to a chunk of mail still being sent during the time I had been changing my old address. Included was a summons to jury duty. FML

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By joolsie - United Kingdom

Today, I received a note from my creepy ex, whom I broke up with two years ago, saying how much he still misses me. I live over 100 miles away from him now. The note was hand-delivered to my new address. FML

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By . - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying "Next time, I'll call." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got home from working late and decided to write a cute email to my girlfriend since I haven't seen her in two weeks. I was about to finish it off when my door swung open, and in a panic, I opened another tab to hide my email. It was porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

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By tbalboa - United States

Today, a cop pulled me over and started bitching me out. He was certain I'd been drinking, because, "Nobody goes to Albertacos this late at night unless they're drunk." FML

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By babypenguin00 - United States - Newark

Today, marks the third girlfriend in a row that has broken up with me for my terrible dandruff. I can't control it as I was born with psoriasis. All three girls called me pathetic for "making up" a disease to try to get them to stay. FML

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By dizzy - Malaysia

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

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By ScrewedForCheapBag - United States - Sacramento

Today, my car got broken into. A small folded plastic bag and a few toothpicks I got from a restaurant were stolen. It's going to cost me a few hundred bucks to fix and clean my car over a 10 cent bag and a few free toothpicks. FML

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By thanxguys - United States

Today, I discovered that when my parents offered to help me pay for college, what they really meant is they would get the forms for me to apply for student loans. FML

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By TrueScotsman - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

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By Octobre - United States

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

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By Hellish - United States - Gurnee

Today, I started a new job that was highly recommended by a worker there. The same coworker that is now making my life a living hell. FML

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Top comments

By Robert Cruikshank | 7

#7900514 - Saturday 25 April 2020 2:12

So, move out, try to meet people with your values. Go to different places. Leave a mess someone else makes. See what happens. If they complain, just say, it’s not my mess, and walk off.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7900530 - Saturday 25 April 2020 5:04

You are weird. Quit being your roommate's bitch and then maybe they'll respect you and talk to you.

COMMENTS

By Robert Cruikshank | 7

#7900514 - Saturday 25 April 2020 2:12

So, move out, try to meet people with your values. Go to different places. Leave a mess someone else makes. See what happens. If they complain, just say, it’s not my mess, and walk off.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7900530 - Saturday 25 April 2020 5:04

You are weird. Quit being your roommate's bitch and then maybe they'll respect you and talk to you.

By Jillian Cosby-Kelly | 15

#7900680 - Saturday 25 April 2020 22:14

That's what happens when you room with people who are extremely different from yourself.

By auntillz1untill9 | 9

#7900814 - Sunday 26 April 2020 12:09

I wouldn't like it if someone else cleaned up my stuff after me. If you clean absolutely everything, even if this only belongs to your roommate and not you, that can feel kind of weird.