By rahhhnnnn - 25/4/2020 02:00

You can't win sometimes

Today, I learned that because I clean everything in my roommate's house and keep the lights low to save energy, and respect him and do things in the proper way I was raised, he and his friends and girlfriend think I’m weird and won’t speak to me. FML

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Commando

Instadrama

Walk on the wild side

By Darth Vomitus - United States - Mequon

Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML

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By Joanne - Australia

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

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By loneliness - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

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By swana99 - United States - Woburn

Today, I went to my first class of the year. The first thing the teacher said was, "I hate this f*cking school." FML

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By rhartnett11 - United States

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

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By trisha - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, my husband and I agreed that he would name our first born and I would name our second. He's dead-set on naming our child "Raindropp" no matter whether it's a boy or girl. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and choked on the boba in a coughing fit. FML

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By Roxas - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket in the mail. I don't have a car. FML

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By kitkat3308 - United States

Weirdo freak

Today, I found out that my controlling, verbally abusive ex-boyfriend from nearly four years ago is still obsessed with me. Apparently, he's told everyone back home that he and I are getting married as soon as I finish college. We haven't spoken in over two years. FML

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By Backed up - United States

I need a suppository

Today, I had the privilege of looking into my husband's eyes and uttering one of the sexiest phrases in the English language: "I need a suppository." FML

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By Gary - Canada

Today, I was walking next to this building that was getting renovated, and read a sign that said "Watch out for falling debris at all times." While I was watching out for debris, I fell down a staircase. FML

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By Itchy

Today, I found out I'm allergic to soil, pollen, dust, mold, the colors green, yellow, orange, black and grey, most metals, wood, carpet, drywall, most hygiene and beauty products, and plastic. Basically, I was told to avoid the entire planet and everything man-made. FML

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By cheaterscheat - United States - Saint James

Today, I went to the hospital due to extreme sickness. My boyfriend saw this as an opportune time to take another girl out since I was "otherwise preoccupied." FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

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By urinanalysis - Canada

Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML

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By Jim

Today, I dropped my car off at the dealership for a bumper replacement due to a hit and run in a parking lot. After being told it was ready, their shuttle picked me up, and backed up into my just-replaced bumper. FML

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By paula434 - United States

Today, I gave a speech at a charity event in part to help with my shyness. Nobody told me I was standing on top of an air vent. It went on. My skirt flew up, revealing my underwear to 90 people. Nobody remembers the content of my speech. FML

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By CreepedOut - United States

Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddies drag his nearly-comatose carcass back home from a strip club. FML

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By children ain't pawns - Australia - Perth

Today, after discussing having our son's hair styled nicely for school, my ex returns him with his head shaved. I didn't realise bald was in style for 4-year-olds. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 23:03

Grossed out

Today, I found out that the reason I have unbearable pain in my stomach when I sit down is because I have 2 horrifyingly large boils on my waist. My mother nearly fainted when I showed them to her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got into a minor argument with my fiancé. Deciding it wasn't worth fighting over, I shrugged and said, "Really, what are we even doing this for?" To which he replied, "Honestly, I don't know. I haven't loved you in years… Oh, you meant about the fight." And just like that, I'm now single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends told me, "Don't worry about your bad acne. It kind of looks like the pattern the avatars have on their heads." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

That shirt is FIRE!

Today, my shirt caught on fire when I was burning paper for my ancestors at the cemetery. FML

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By keeks_25 - Canada

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML

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By bananapie69 - 29/5/2020 23:00

Serial killer

Today, during my staff Google Meet conference, I forgot to mute my mic when I joined and I was still listening to a true crime podcast. I started to notice people's confused looks and realized they were all hearing the details of the bodies found. FML

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By dman92

Run Away

Today, while babysitting, the power went off. My little cousin pointed into the dark kitchen behind me and asked, "Who's that man standing there?" FML

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By Miller_Time - United States

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

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By goddamnit - United States

Today, I got a letter saying I was no longer a student at my college and my current work is void since I had ignored and refused to pay my tuition bill. Over the past month I've been deleting these pesky emails saying 'FINAL WARNING regarding payment' thinking it was more spam. They weren't. FML

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By ac13 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how excited I was to drive 12 hours to see him and his new house. His girlfriend answered. FML

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By dire-rear - Singapore

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

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By awkwardology - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my mum dismissed my diagnosed schizophrenia as "too much time with those earphones in". FML

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By pissingcontest - United States

Today, I had to take a serious piss. I started urinating and leaned back slightly on my heels. Somehow I lost my balance and fell backward, hitting my head on the wall behind me and spraying myself and my entire bathroom with my own pee. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, I texted my girlfriend to tell her that we couldn't hang out because my dog died this morning and we were burying him. She replied that she wasn't going to get stood up by a stupid dog. She then broke up with me. FML

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By ouchouchouch - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was adjusting my nose piercing from the inside. My mother saw and thought I was picking my nose, so she slapped my hand away, tearing my nose ring out in the process. FML

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By RonnieG - United States - Orlando

Today, I confessed to losing my wife's engagement ring, and replacing it with a lookalike months ago. My wife also confessed that her actual engagement ring was locked in the safe, and the one I lost had been a fake. I've been paying the replacement off on my credit card for 6 months. FML

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By not a boy toy

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

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By LondonTor - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Christmas is dangerous

Today, I was moving my sofa to make space for the Christmas tree and the sofa slipped on the wooden floor, thus flipping my right big toenail up 90° so it is now only connected at the cuticle. FML

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By sosad

Today, I was told that I will never be able to have children. Thankfully for my husband, his girlfriend sure can. FML

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Top comments

By Robert Cruikshank | 7

#7900514 - Saturday 25 April 2020 2:12

So, move out, try to meet people with your values. Go to different places. Leave a mess someone else makes. See what happens. If they complain, just say, it’s not my mess, and walk off.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7900530 - Saturday 25 April 2020 5:04

You are weird. Quit being your roommate's bitch and then maybe they'll respect you and talk to you.

COMMENTS

By Robert Cruikshank | 7

#7900514 - Saturday 25 April 2020 2:12

So, move out, try to meet people with your values. Go to different places. Leave a mess someone else makes. See what happens. If they complain, just say, it’s not my mess, and walk off.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7900530 - Saturday 25 April 2020 5:04

You are weird. Quit being your roommate's bitch and then maybe they'll respect you and talk to you.

By Jillian Cosby-Kelly | 15

#7900680 - Saturday 25 April 2020 22:14

That's what happens when you room with people who are extremely different from yourself.

By auntillz1untill9 | 9

#7900814 - Sunday 26 April 2020 12:09

I wouldn't like it if someone else cleaned up my stuff after me. If you clean absolutely everything, even if this only belongs to your roommate and not you, that can feel kind of weird.