Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on... - FML

By waj9876 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on her, and is desperate to prove she's "better than that other slut, or it's over between us." I've been pushed down and forcefully kissed ten times now. All because she saw a pic online of me kissing a girl. It was her. FML

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Commando

Sorry…

You tried!

By Normal - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

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By erika - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML

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By spadesmollusques - France - Strasbourg

Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML

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By eamiller - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

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By Workhorse - United States - Athens

Today, my boss called me to inform me that I'm being laid off. In my ensuing fit of rage, I deleted the recent project I've been working on for weeks. Pretty soon after, he called me back to let me know it was a prank. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tripped and fell going up the stairs, not once, but twice at work as I was leading customers through our building. I actually got bruises. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, nine weeks after giving birth, my husband and I finally tried to have sex since a friend was watching the baby. Not only could I not get wet due to hormones, but as soon as he got back from buying lube, his drunk brother called needing a ride from the bar. No sex for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after buying dinner from the supermarket, I had the change in my hand, and my wallet. In the parking lot, a quarter fell out of my hand, and right next to the street drain. As I went to pick it up, my wallet fell down the drain. FML

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By sashimieater - United States

Today, it was the last day of school. My students shared what they thought of me. Expecting to hear wonderful things, all of their complaints can be summed up in a few words: I'm a liar, a killer of dreams, I need to grow up, and I was a big disappointment to them. I'm a first-year teacher. FML

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By loganHchrist - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. They thought it would be funny to pretend that they're nudists. FML

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By WellFineThen - United States - Cedar Falls

Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML

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By AudraRose - United States

Today, I have my very first gynecologist appointment. I'm 15. My mom wants to "be on the safe side" and make sure I'm not sexually active. This is my punishment for being a virgin. FML

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By awilson - United States

Today, I was eating MandMs on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering, "Where is that little bastard?" FML

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By weedvocate

All in the Family

Today, my mother brought home dinner for 4 people. I was not one of those people. The dog, however, was. FML

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By anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 17 year old daughter told me she was going to bake a cake. When she finished she offered me one and it was crunchy. I asked her why and she said the recipe said to put eggs in. She put them in whole. FML

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By yulis - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, a guy I blocked online for sending me creepy messages showed up at my house. I have no idea how he found my address, or even my real name. FML

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By ouch - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing for a huge party I've been looking forward to for months. I did all the usual things a girl should do, put on a facemask, painted my nails, exfoliated... I was feeling confident until I peeled off the facemask. I guess when it said "vibrant" what it meant was bright red. FML

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By snore - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I was feeling really depressed and ended up asking my mom why guys aren't interested in me. She replied with a laundry list of reasons, including, "Hair. Boobs. Face. Everything." FML

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By Annonymous - United States

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

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By cumbucket cops - United States - Barberton

Today, I found out that my unemployed husband has his own web-comic, that he makes money off it, and that it mainly involves the main character's airhead, money-grubbing wife ruining his life. She looks strikingly like me and shares my name. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me over to her house. When I knocked, no one responded to the door. I decided to check the back yard and found her sunbathing by the pool. I kneeled by her and placed my hand on her butt, kissing her neck. What I heard next, "So this is what you do with my daughter." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Floral Park

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

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By Wouldntitbeniceif - United States

Today, I went for a hike with the local search and rescue volunteer group that I recently joined. I got lost and spent 5 hours wandering aimlessly. FML

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By Activesleeper - Australia - Flinders

Today, I woke up to 7 texts about the data overage charges that were accrued last night while I slept. Apparently my phone used nearly 8 GB of data, with no apps open, while I was sound asleep, leaving me with a $63 fee. FML

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By Weldingtags - United States

Today, my dad asked if I'd help him clean the gutters. I was given the responsibility of holding the ladder while he went on the roof. All I heard was laughter before a year's worth of rotting vegetation landed on top of my head. FML

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By thenerd - 24/3/2021 02:00

Likely story

Today, I was doing an online live exam with the camera on when the power suddenly went out. FML

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By Amy - United States

Not now, Kelsey

Today, after a huge row with my best friend at school, I hid myself away in the bathroom and quietly sobbed to myself. A kid loudly busted into the stall next to me and took a minute-long shit that sounded like a hailstorm of bullets. The putrid stench made me retch and violently throw up everywhere. FML

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By crazymirrors - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that we should go to the carnival in the Bizarre House place where there were a lot of crazy mirrors. I checked myself out in one of the mirrors. Then my boyfriend says "That will probably be the only time you will ever look that skinny." FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, my house got egged and since it is the winter the eggs froze. They used two dozen eggs. FML

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By mybad - United States

Today, a customer brought her kids into the store where I work. I like to make people laugh so being my usual joking self I kidded "Why aren't those kids in school?". She didn't laugh when she said that their house burned down the night before and the kids had no clothes to wear to school. FML

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By mycar - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was showing a new girl around at school. As we were walking through the parking lot she noticed a green jeep and commented "I heard the person who drives that is a total creep. Is he?" I said I didn't know who it was. It was my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2021 16:58

Stuck on amber

Today, I'm living with my now ex-girlfriend of 9 years in the house we bought together. What's worse than that is the fact that 2 weeks before she told me she was unhappy and ended it, I had bought an engagement ring. I didn't get the chance to ask, and had to return the ring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML

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By anonymousyo - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

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By necca - 15/4/2021 23:00

OCD FML

Today, during class, my teacher left a small mark on the whiteboard. When I pointed it out, she simply rolled her eyes and told me to, “let it go.” I have OCD and was completely unable to focus on the rest of the lesson because of the mark. FML

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Top comments

By TheAngryKitten | 0

#3261316 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:03

I believe, good sir, that you should shut up and enjoy it.

By RawrNom | 0

#3261288 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:00

LOL! you should be glad for the kisses.

COMMENTS

By RawrNom | 0

#3261288 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:00

LOL! you should be glad for the kisses.

Reply

Stonedmanalex | 0

#3261328 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:04

Not really since his girlfriend is insane

Reply

NabbdjuretPerry | 0

#3261331 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:04

Just say: More!

Reply

TheAngryKitten | 0

#3261343 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:06

Moar!!

Reply

EnEl_Infierno | 15

#3261433 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:32

Zoom Zoom

Reply

nerdness | 2

#3261549 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:14

you're honestly dating an idiot.

Reply

RyanMacVey | 17

#3261575 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:35

yes i think we can all agree your gf is insane... but use it too your advantage man... cheat on her for real, then take a pic of you getting a bj.... she will be gagging for it

Reply

Deathhound | 27

#3261641 - Friday 9 September 2011 11:18

True thing, though she is a little bit strange for not seeing it's her xD

Reply

K_kanaka | 26

#3261910 - Friday 9 September 2011 12:57

Well I say just get room where it's just you and her, so you guys can do the halalala and then tell her that the girl in the pic. was her.

Reply

stro88 | 6

#3262011 - Friday 9 September 2011 13:22

I say tell her the other chick does more than just kisses. :-) win for you 1 point for dopest make up sex ever.

Reply

TheCylonmaster | 3

#3262378 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:10

Yep, she's blond alright.

Reply

hotPinklipstick | 24

#3262426 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:22

Everyone is saying this girl is stupid, but what's really going on is she isn't happy with the sex and wants to try things more rough. She's totally using this to her advantage.

Reply

stacianichole | 2

#3262510 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:39

That seems extremely far fetched...

Reply

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3262512 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:39

Well let her prove herself to herself.

Reply

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3262607 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:00

75: And your a stereotypical idiot.

Reply

hotPinklipstick | 24

#3263142 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:41

87- learn to take a joke. Blonde jokes are funny. I'm blonde and I tell more blonde jokes than anyone I know. Lighten up.

Reply

SpaceDementia_fml | 4

#3264008 - Friday 9 September 2011 21:37

I love when girls do that :D

By Tristyxxx | 24

#3261291 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:00

Looks like she's been pushed down and hit her head 10 times.

Reply

jordnlyn | 6

#3261460 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:39

Looks like the doctor needs to up her meds!

Reply

YayFlameWarz | 9

#3262505 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:38

Oh no I'm getting love, affection, and ( im assuming here) sex! Save me god please!

Reply

rexgar2000 | 10

#3262914 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:45

he should just take the crazy sex coming.

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3264085 - Friday 9 September 2011 22:02

I heard crazy chicks make the best sex.

By eminarnar | 0

#3261314 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:03

Aww, that's cute :) be happy you get kisses :*

Reply

slushpup9696 | 12

#3261442 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:34

Psychotic is the new cute.

Reply

Daralea | 21

#3263577 - Friday 9 September 2011 19:34

Yea, either she is trying to spice things up by pretending (a plus), or really thinks that the best way to treat a guy who's cheating is to throw herself onto him (might be a plus but...definitely psychotic)

By TheAngryKitten | 0

#3261316 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:03

I believe, good sir, that you should shut up and enjoy it.

Reply

iamthelaw | 1

#3261605 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:56

This

Reply

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#3262545 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:45

Is..

Reply

twinny_sc | 13

#3262560 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:49

SPARTA!

Reply

rexgar2000 | 10

#3262939 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:53

holy shit! lol that was fucking hilarious! lmao

By ebxr82nv | 2

#3261325 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:04

Only kisses? Time to start dropping hints my friend

Reply

1NaMillion | 13

#3263555 - Friday 9 September 2011 19:29

...but...but...but honey, its the head that I love so much!

By caviar_fml | 2

#3261332 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:05

lol, I'm sure you love it

By bubblepaarty | 5

#3261336 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:05

whatta psycho b___ch . o____O'

Reply

kimmykimkiwi | 3

#3261350 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:07

Yea get rid of her before she goes on a jealousy rage and tries to kill you

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3262277 - Friday 9 September 2011 14:32

She's just paranoid borderline psychotic. No big deal.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#3261340 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:06

"That's not me! That slut's ass is huge!"

Reply

Wreckless_fml | 6

#3261535 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:08

:')

By TheSithAssassin | 15

#3261351 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:07

That sounds amazing....

By PocketRockette | 0

#3261355 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:08

She needs new glasses......or lay off the drugs