Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on... - FML

By waj9876 - 9/9/2011 00:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on her, and is desperate to prove she's "better than that other slut, or it's over between us." I've been pushed down and forcefully kissed ten times now. All because she saw a pic online of me kissing a girl. It was her. FML

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Ghosted

Child labor

Hello everyone!

By d0rk_ - 2/9/2011 20:44 - Canada

Today, I was in English when I had to use the bathroom. As I was signing out, the teacher said "Don't forget the hall pass!" It was a plunger. I have to walk across my school with a plunger. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2014 13:44 - United States - San Bruno

Today, my neighbor showed me footage of my 7-year-old son spraying his beloved rose garden with weed killer. The whole garden is dead as fuck, and I'm now being taken to small claims court. FML

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By Cslouth - 27/10/2012 04:04 - United States - Rochester

Today, it's the five year anniversary of the day I broke up with my girlfriend to see other people. I've not had sex a single time since. FML

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By Mamallama - 19/8/2018 13:00

Today, I leaned down to pick up my infant son from his highchair. He reached up and grabbed the first thing available to him: my nipple. I got purple-nurpled by my baby. FML

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By Brian B - 13/9/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 00:26 - United States - Daphne

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 13:00

Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate as comfort food. When I gave it to her she joked, "Now I'm going to get fat." It was at that moment that my brain stepped out and my mouth took over and I heard myself say, "You deserve it!" FML

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By Chris Chandler - 4/11/2018 15:30

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

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By seriously! - 19/3/2013 05:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while working in childcare, we went to a farm so the kids could see how things worked. They started showing off prize winning cattle and when they bought out "Miss Stacey", the kids lost their shit. My name is Miss Stacey. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 18:07

Alexa, play "Mr Loverman" by Shabba Ranks

Today, I was at a store when I saw a cute girl from my school. Trying to act cool, I went to hold the door for her. Too bad it was an automatic door. FML

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By toeloezz - 26/9/2016 18:02 - Netherlands

Today, during a regular checkup at the dentist, I got a wisdom tooth pulled out which resulted in me looking like a fat hamster. Tomorrow is my first day as an English teacher in high school. FML

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By Brody89 - 9/4/2014 18:40 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

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By shaverguy - 15/6/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I got an electric shaver hoping that it would reduce the risk of cutting myself than shaving with a manual one. However, I cut myself opening the plastic package with the shaver inside. FML

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By coffee - 22/8/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

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By college kid - 31/7/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML

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By mama - 30/6/2019 07:09

Today, I went to the doctor's office after getting a positive pregnancy test. She did another one to confirm the result, which came back negative. My husband is wandering around with a great big smile on his face, because he isn't going to have a "rugrat." FML

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By patrick - 17/3/2010 16:15 - United States

Today, it's Saint Patrick's Day and the nicest day of the year so far. I'm spending it in the bathroom, puking up the sushi I'd eaten last night. The luck of the Irish can't help me on this one. FML

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By wingless_angel_7 - 2/12/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, I was online and I saw a friend that I hadn't talked to in two years come online. I IM'ed him, only for him to respond, "I haven't responded to any messages of yours in over a year. Most people would get the hint." FML

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By Laptop - 25/5/2010 04:44 - France

Today, my little sister tripped when trying to walk up the stairs with a sandwich in one hand and my laptop in the other. She choose to save her sandwich instead of my £500 laptop. FML

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By WhyGod - 10/12/2016 15:21

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2018 19:00

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2018 15:00

She definitely won though.

Today, as part of our prank war, my girlfriend found a hairy tarantula picture and stuck it on the wall. I hadn't yet told her I'm arachnophobic, and when I saw it I passed out and hit my head hard enough to need an ambulance. She decided she's won the war and I don't get a say in the matter. FML

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By Jackal - 20/8/2019 12:00 - United States - Trumbull

Today, I found out the time I'd requested off for a trip in 2 months, that my boss said that I could go on, wasn't fully processed, just in case he decided I couldn't go. He told me the second part after I'd bought no refund tickets for shows for both me and my girlfriend. FML

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By Kelly - 2/3/2009 23:38 - United States

Today, I went to get my underarms waxed. I'm usually not self-conscious because I figure they see worse stuff all the time. When I raised my arm for her to wax my armpit she looked at me, laughed and said "Well I guess that's how I know it's winter in Wisconsin!" FML

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By Trey Wipperfurth-Eisner - 13/6/2019 05:15

Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML

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By dumpyhair - 16/8/2019 04:04

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he, "just can't keep dating a girl with so many split ends." FML

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By cazzb - 16/9/2014 04:17 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while waiting for my violin student to unpack his violin, he farted loudly and rhythmically on the sofa, and then went on about how it sounded like the "Shave and a Haircut" rhythm. FML

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By "Boyufd" - 19/1/2019 12:00

Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML

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By Ohshit - 17/5/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2014 00:34 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML

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By Jane M - 25/10/2013 23:20 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML

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By the_dog_sitter - 13/3/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

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By IceCreamCraver - 16/8/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, the ice cream truck went by my house for the seventh time today, as it has for the last seven days of my fasting. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night." She's right. FML

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By devilboy - 6/7/2011 11:26 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

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By leonuniz - 19/4/2015 16:34 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

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By GodDamnFan - 27/5/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my phone ringing. As I groggily reached for it I managed to knock my fan onto my head, leaving a grate-shaped bruise. The best part? My phone wasn't ringing, I dreamed myself awake. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2013 10:34 - United States - Sanford

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2016 10:00 - Australia - Port Melbourne

Today, the girl I'd been seeing for a few weeks lost her mind and yanked my car's e-brake while we were on the highway. Why? Because I said I wasn't really interested in having kids. Guess I'll cross that relationship off as a "hell no". FML

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By Scared - 8/4/2019 17:00 - United States - Pacific

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

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Top comments

By TheAngryKitten | 0

#3261316 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:03

I believe, good sir, that you should shut up and enjoy it.

By RawrNom | 0

#3261288 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:00

LOL! you should be glad for the kisses.

COMMENTS

By RawrNom | 0

#3261288 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:00

LOL! you should be glad for the kisses.

Reply

Stonedmanalex | 0

#3261328 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:04

Not really since his girlfriend is insane

Reply

NabbdjuretPerry | 0

#3261331 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:04

Just say: More!

Reply

TheAngryKitten | 0

#3261343 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:06

Moar!!

Reply

EnEl_Infierno | 15

#3261433 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:32

Zoom Zoom

Reply

nerdness | 2

#3261549 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:14

you're honestly dating an idiot.

Reply

RyanMacVey | 17

#3261575 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:35

yes i think we can all agree your gf is insane... but use it too your advantage man... cheat on her for real, then take a pic of you getting a bj.... she will be gagging for it

Reply

Deathhound | 27

#3261641 - Friday 9 September 2011 11:18

True thing, though she is a little bit strange for not seeing it's her xD

Reply

K_kanaka | 26

#3261910 - Friday 9 September 2011 12:57

Well I say just get room where it's just you and her, so you guys can do the halalala and then tell her that the girl in the pic. was her.

Reply

stro88 | 6

#3262011 - Friday 9 September 2011 13:22

I say tell her the other chick does more than just kisses. :-) win for you 1 point for dopest make up sex ever.

Reply

TheCylonmaster | 3

#3262378 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:10

Yep, she's blond alright.

Reply

hotPinklipstick | 24

#3262426 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:22

Everyone is saying this girl is stupid, but what's really going on is she isn't happy with the sex and wants to try things more rough. She's totally using this to her advantage.

Reply

stacianichole | 2

#3262510 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:39

That seems extremely far fetched...

Reply

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3262512 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:39

Well let her prove herself to herself.

Reply

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3262607 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:00

75: And your a stereotypical idiot.

Reply

hotPinklipstick | 24

#3263142 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:41

87- learn to take a joke. Blonde jokes are funny. I'm blonde and I tell more blonde jokes than anyone I know. Lighten up.

Reply

SpaceDementia_fml | 4

#3264008 - Friday 9 September 2011 21:37

I love when girls do that :D

By Tristyxxx | 24

#3261291 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:00

Looks like she's been pushed down and hit her head 10 times.

Reply

jordnlyn | 6

#3261460 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:39

Looks like the doctor needs to up her meds!

Reply

YayFlameWarz | 9

#3262505 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:38

Oh no I'm getting love, affection, and ( im assuming here) sex! Save me god please!

Reply

rexgar2000 | 10

#3262914 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:45

he should just take the crazy sex coming.

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3264085 - Friday 9 September 2011 22:02

I heard crazy chicks make the best sex.

By eminarnar | 0

#3261314 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:03

Aww, that's cute :) be happy you get kisses :*

Reply

slushpup9696 | 12

#3261442 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:34

Psychotic is the new cute.

Reply

Daralea | 21

#3263577 - Friday 9 September 2011 19:34

Yea, either she is trying to spice things up by pretending (a plus), or really thinks that the best way to treat a guy who's cheating is to throw herself onto him (might be a plus but...definitely psychotic)

By TheAngryKitten | 0

#3261316 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:03

I believe, good sir, that you should shut up and enjoy it.

Reply

iamthelaw | 1

#3261605 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:56

This

Reply

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#3262545 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:45

Is..

Reply

twinny_sc | 13

#3262560 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:49

SPARTA!

Reply

rexgar2000 | 10

#3262939 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:53

holy shit! lol that was fucking hilarious! lmao

By ebxr82nv | 2

#3261325 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:04

Only kisses? Time to start dropping hints my friend

Reply

1NaMillion | 13

#3263555 - Friday 9 September 2011 19:29

...but...but...but honey, its the head that I love so much!

By caviar_fml | 2

#3261332 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:05

lol, I'm sure you love it

By bubblepaarty | 5

#3261336 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:05

whatta psycho b___ch . o____O'

Reply

kimmykimkiwi | 3

#3261350 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:07

Yea get rid of her before she goes on a jealousy rage and tries to kill you

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3262277 - Friday 9 September 2011 14:32

She's just paranoid borderline psychotic. No big deal.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#3261340 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:06

"That's not me! That slut's ass is huge!"

Reply

Wreckless_fml | 6

#3261535 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:08

:')

By TheSithAssassin | 15

#3261351 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:07

That sounds amazing....

By PocketRockette | 0

#3261355 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:08

She needs new glasses......or lay off the drugs