Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on... - FML

By waj9876 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on her, and is desperate to prove she's "better than that other slut, or it's over between us." I've been pushed down and forcefully kissed ten times now. All because she saw a pic online of me kissing a girl. It was her. FML

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Commando

Fragile

Please like me

By Lea - United States

Today, I dropped my car keys down the elevator shaft at my dorm. I had parked my car at a parking meter, and now had no way to get change out of my car. It took six hours for someone to get my keys, and I now have a $75 parking ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML

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By confused - United States

Today, I went on a date for the first time in eight months. He didn't make a move. I then asked if we were on a date. He said, "I don't know, I guess." I can't tell either. FML

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By NinjaPanda88 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watonga

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

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By pizzacat - Australia

Today, I was conducting interviews and I could tell this particular candidate was really nervous, so I was extra nice. At the end, he was reluctant to shake my hand. On the way out I realised why: I had lost the top button on my low cut top, and he was nursing his appreciation of the view. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on a bus. When I awoke suddenly, half of the bus was staring at me, with some people chuckling and smiling. I have no idea what I did. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML

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By Pastrygirl

Today, while finishing up at work, I started helping a co-worker out with his workload since I'd finished mine. His girlfriend apparently didn't like this and started slamming things around, constantly muttering passive aggressive comments because she wanted to help him. I work with idiots. FML

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By ReptillianFreeloader - Australia - North Lakes

Australia? Australia.

Today, I had to chase off the Eastern Brown snake that's been hanging around. When it doubled back, I fell over trying to move out of its way and landed in a bush that contained 3 separate wasp nests. My body feels like it is on fire and the snake is now in my chook shed, refusing to leave. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, I was working out at the gym doing squats. There was a girl there that I wanted to impress so I loaded up the bar with a lot of weight and began to do my squat. As I was going down I farted so loud that I began to laugh and fell backwards. Everyone in the room just stared at me. FML

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By yankeeboy123 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML

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By Promo girl - Australia

Today, I was offered a promotion but for the same pay. Promotion... WTF? FML

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By xoragebaby - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

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By Keyser Soze

Today, I was cleaning out the cabinets under my kitchen sink and I farted with such force that my dog thought someone was knocking at the door. FML

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By HatedGrandson - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML

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By kenneth

Today, I had to drive 40-odd miles to my grown-ass son's house to kill a large spider on the wall. It had him trapped in his bedroom because his wife had already gone to work. How did I ever raise such a wuss? FML

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By lost_ina_dream - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary at the park. I was watching him play around with the wood chips on the ground and thought I saw him making a heart being romantic, so I got on top of the playground to look. Turns out it was the balls of a giant penis, complete with pubes. FML

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By unsatisfied - United States

Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML

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By goodstudent - United States

Today, I left my grandmother's burial to take a midterm. Earlier I e-mailed the professor to ask permission to take it later, and she flat out said "no." I left my grieving family, and traveled hours back to school. I went to class, only to discover that the prof decided to move the exam date. FML

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By damnbananas - United States

Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

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By cat_loser

Today, I agreed to catsit for a friend. Her cat rode back to my house sitting on my shoulder in the car. As soon as I opened the door, he jumped out and ran off into the woods. It's been 2 1/2 hours and not even food will entice him back to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Syosset

Today, I came back home after a year studying abroad. Imagine my surprise when I found out my mom had gotten breast implants while I was away. All through dinner, I kept catching myself staring at them. No wonder my dad was so much happier than when I left. FML

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By ApparentDrugAddict - United States

Today, at dinner, I accidentally let it slip that I'd taken a small sip of alcohol a few years ago and hated it. My extremely strict parents are now trying to get me into rehab. FML

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By walkingonsunshine - France

Today, my long term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way to old for him. I'm 3 years younger than my fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Albany

Today, in my film class, we were watching Schindler's List. At least, we tried. The moron next to me kept interrupting the most intense scenes with a very loud, "I don't get it." Not only did she break the focus of the class, but we had to keep stopping the movie to explain it to her. FML

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By bob - United States

Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I found dog poop in my room that had probably been there for days. My girlfriend, who was watching the house, said she didn't realize it was there, because she thought it was the smell of her own farts. FML

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By bigmouth - United States

Today, I was working as a host at a pasta dinner. The hostess I was working with was very attractive and we were flirting quite a bit. A large woman walked in to be seated, and I leaned over to her and dared her to ask the woman if she wanted two chairs. She leaned back and said "that's my mom". FML

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By creepingjennie - 5/6/2020 02:00

Droopy

Today, I learned that working while taking muscle relaxers is not as fun as it sounds. FML

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By awkward - United States - Oakland

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend I had a crush on. The whole time, he was flirting with the waitress while I was trying to get him to notice me. When we got the check, he looked at her and said, "She's not my girlfriend, I only go out with pretty girls. So, can I have your number?" FML

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By Ashley

Fire…?

Today, two out of our three smoke detectors were going off. My grandpa won't call the fire department because he thinks our house will be condemned. The alarms are still going off. FML

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By agnosticstudy - United States

Today, I met a woman that I've been emailing and trading pics with for over a month. We had a face to face, she was surprisingly overweight, and the sun hit her face in a way that radiated all her facial hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made out with a guy that I had just met at a party. It was my first kiss. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my first kiss is at the age of 23, or the fact that I saw him making out with a different girl later on in the night. FML

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By Seriously?

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend is still obsessed with me. Apparently he named his dog after me and talks to her like she's a real person. FML

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By rusrs - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that my mother now refuses to drink anything but bottled water because she actually believes that the government is putting a chemical in tap water that lowers pregnancy rates. She is trying for her 5th child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor and I learned why fireworks are illegal in city limits. This lesson was learned shortly after a roman candle came crashing through my second story window. FML

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By disfordiploma - United States

Today, I found out that I'm failing this semester because I've missed too many classes. I've missed the classes because I've been having panic attacks, a symptom of my anxiety disorder. I got the anxiety disorder because I was so afraid of failing school. FML

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Top comments

By TheAngryKitten | 0

#3261316 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:03

I believe, good sir, that you should shut up and enjoy it.

By RawrNom | 0

#3261288 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:00

LOL! you should be glad for the kisses.

COMMENTS

By RawrNom | 0

#3261288 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:00

LOL! you should be glad for the kisses.

Reply

Stonedmanalex | 0

#3261328 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:04

Not really since his girlfriend is insane

Reply

NabbdjuretPerry | 0

#3261331 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:04

Just say: More!

Reply

TheAngryKitten | 0

#3261343 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:06

Moar!!

Reply

EnEl_Infierno | 15

#3261433 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:32

Zoom Zoom

Reply

nerdness | 2

#3261549 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:14

you're honestly dating an idiot.

Reply

RyanMacVey | 17

#3261575 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:35

yes i think we can all agree your gf is insane... but use it too your advantage man... cheat on her for real, then take a pic of you getting a bj.... she will be gagging for it

Reply

Deathhound | 27

#3261641 - Friday 9 September 2011 11:18

True thing, though she is a little bit strange for not seeing it's her xD

Reply

K_kanaka | 26

#3261910 - Friday 9 September 2011 12:57

Well I say just get room where it's just you and her, so you guys can do the halalala and then tell her that the girl in the pic. was her.

Reply

stro88 | 6

#3262011 - Friday 9 September 2011 13:22

I say tell her the other chick does more than just kisses. :-) win for you 1 point for dopest make up sex ever.

Reply

TheCylonmaster | 3

#3262378 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:10

Yep, she's blond alright.

Reply

hotPinklipstick | 24

#3262426 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:22

Everyone is saying this girl is stupid, but what's really going on is she isn't happy with the sex and wants to try things more rough. She's totally using this to her advantage.

Reply

stacianichole | 2

#3262510 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:39

That seems extremely far fetched...

Reply

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3262512 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:39

Well let her prove herself to herself.

Reply

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3262607 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:00

75: And your a stereotypical idiot.

Reply

hotPinklipstick | 24

#3263142 - Friday 9 September 2011 17:41

87- learn to take a joke. Blonde jokes are funny. I'm blonde and I tell more blonde jokes than anyone I know. Lighten up.

Reply

SpaceDementia_fml | 4

#3264008 - Friday 9 September 2011 21:37

I love when girls do that :D

By Tristyxxx | 24

#3261291 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:00

Looks like she's been pushed down and hit her head 10 times.

Reply

jordnlyn | 6

#3261460 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:39

Looks like the doctor needs to up her meds!

Reply

YayFlameWarz | 9

#3262505 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:38

Oh no I'm getting love, affection, and ( im assuming here) sex! Save me god please!

Reply

rexgar2000 | 10

#3262914 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:45

he should just take the crazy sex coming.

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3264085 - Friday 9 September 2011 22:02

I heard crazy chicks make the best sex.

By eminarnar | 0

#3261314 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:03

Aww, that's cute :) be happy you get kisses :*

Reply

slushpup9696 | 12

#3261442 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:34

Psychotic is the new cute.

Reply

Daralea | 21

#3263577 - Friday 9 September 2011 19:34

Yea, either she is trying to spice things up by pretending (a plus), or really thinks that the best way to treat a guy who's cheating is to throw herself onto him (might be a plus but...definitely psychotic)

By TheAngryKitten | 0

#3261316 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:03

I believe, good sir, that you should shut up and enjoy it.

Reply

iamthelaw | 1

#3261605 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:56

This

Reply

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#3262545 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:45

Is..

Reply

twinny_sc | 13

#3262560 - Friday 9 September 2011 15:49

SPARTA!

Reply

rexgar2000 | 10

#3262939 - Friday 9 September 2011 16:53

holy shit! lol that was fucking hilarious! lmao

By ebxr82nv | 2

#3261325 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:04

Only kisses? Time to start dropping hints my friend

Reply

1NaMillion | 13

#3263555 - Friday 9 September 2011 19:29

...but...but...but honey, its the head that I love so much!

By caviar_fml | 2

#3261332 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:05

lol, I'm sure you love it

By bubblepaarty | 5

#3261336 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:05

whatta psycho b___ch . o____O'

Reply

kimmykimkiwi | 3

#3261350 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:07

Yea get rid of her before she goes on a jealousy rage and tries to kill you

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3262277 - Friday 9 September 2011 14:32

She's just paranoid borderline psychotic. No big deal.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#3261340 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:06

"That's not me! That slut's ass is huge!"

Reply

Wreckless_fml | 6

#3261535 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:08

:')

By TheSithAssassin | 15

#3261351 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:07

That sounds amazing....

By PocketRockette | 0

#3261355 - Friday 9 September 2011 9:08

She needs new glasses......or lay off the drugs