Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank,... - FML

By worst day of my life

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

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Stomach bug?

Health? Care? Never

You went too far

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my step-mom asked if I was having some eating issues. I admitted that maybe I've picked up some bad habits from friends and school. Now she won't stop bombarding me with self-help books and therapy websites. FML

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By Anonymous

He's a very naughty boy

Today, I found out that my roommate is starting a religion in which he doesn't believe in humanly things, such as paying rent. FML

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By Scapegoat

Today, I found out that while I was at college, my brother downloaded three terabytes of porn on my laptop and blamed it on me. My parents believed him. FML

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By alternativefacts

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

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By surfergal91 - United States

No Ragrets

Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I came home sick. After a while I received a text message. I thought it was a sweet 'how are you baby?' from my boyfriend. It wasn't. He sent: 'Hey, I'm going to work now. Please do not disturb. Thank you!' FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 20:01

Bad guy (duh)

Today, I had to fake enthusiasm when my girlfriend told me she's pregnant. She has a nasty streak and I was planning to break up with her, but if I left her now everyone would think I’m the bad guy. And I actually think she’s capable of killing me if she gets angry enough. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I went to my parents' house. I recently lost about 30 lbs. My mom hugged me and said, "Aww, you're not my chubby baby girl anymore." She then said she wished I were still fat because she missed it. She's the reason I lost the weight; she used to tease and taunt me. Thanks Mom. FML

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By A-64 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, against my wishes, my son snuck out of my house to go partying. When he came home, I called him in so I could properly discipline him. While I was talking, he staggered to our fish tank, pulled open the lid, and vomited straight into it. FML

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By lafinesse

Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML

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By cacheson - 5/6/2020 23:00

The Good Fight

Today, my husband and roommate went out to protest for the second day in a row. I have an anxiety disorder, so I can't go. I’m just stuck here watching videos of the fires and violence, wondering if they will even come home. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. The waiter brought some bread and I started eating it as I waited for him to take my order. When he approached me he looked at me and said, "Don't eat too much bread honey. It'll make you fatter." Not fat, fatter. I never thought of myself as fat. FML

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By WellFineThen - United States - Cedar Falls

Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML

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By poopooppachuu - United States

Get it now?

Today, in the middle of explaining over the phone to my crush how I felt about him, I got a text from his best friend, who was apparently with him at the time. It said, "He doesn't like you, get over it. Stop rambling." FML

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By Marie Foster - United States

Today, I was talking to my online therapist about my problems with relationships, mainly that guys only want sex and don't listen to me. After I'd confided in him, and told him how I felt about my issues, he told me he would marry me and have my children. FML

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By stupidtoothpick2 - United States

Today, I spent hours trying to get a piece of food out of my two front teeth. I didn't have anything I could use, until I went out to dinner and got a toothpick. I finally got the food out of teeth. The toothpick broke. Now the tip of the toothpick is stuck in my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

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By Ezzie

Today, I got absolutely hammered and noticed this familiar-looking chick. I walked up to her and said, "Oh my god, I know I know you but I don't know where from." Looking annoyed, she replied, "We've worked together for months." FML

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By notsofriendly - United States - Austin

Today, a character in the video game I was playing called my character a slut. My boyfriend ripped the controller from my hands, shot him dead, then fired the rest of my ammo into his corpse while yelling "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!" Good to know I'm dating a total lunatic. FML

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By mugged - United States

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

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By cricketsins - United States

Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put it in a box on my bed. I never had a tarantula, and the box was empty when I checked. FML

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By GoodDog - United States

Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML

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By happymum - Netherlands

Today, I lost my watch at the pool. After giving a detailed description of it at the desk, I was really happy to hear someone had found it and handed it in. Too bad I was too late, because someone had already claimed it. FML

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By merse - United States

Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML

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By Wellthen

Today, I was fired from my job. Not because I don't do a good job but because my boss didn't feel it was appropriate to have an affair with my wife and have to face me everyday. FML

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By hoolagirl4422 - Hong Kong - Kennedy Town

Today, I bumped into a really cute guy I know. I stuttered and floundered, before saying, "Hi, it's me, Megan Thomas." My surname isn't Thomas, but his is. FML

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By hungry - Canada - Halifax

Parenting gone feral

Today, as I searched for food to take to work for lunch, I noticed that the only recent addition to our fridge is chocolate milk and popsicles. My mom went grocery shopping yesterday. FML

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By ICallBullshxt

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

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By Anonymous

Old Man Blues

Today, I seriously strained my back picking up my daughter. I’m only 22 and now I have a bad back a man in his 70s would be proud of. FML

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By sadsexer23 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

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By tinyfeet - New Zealand

Today, my company told me that they refuse to buy me new safety footwear without a doctor's note, because my shoe size is three sizes smaller than the minimum size my company provides. I actually have to get my doctor to prove my shoe size. FML

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By yourmomsabitch - United States

Today, I was supposed to go on a date. I have been playing solitaire the whole night waiting for him. Out of 15 games, I've won one. FML

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By FellingShitty - United States

Today, I realized I'm missing my diamond earrings. After ripping apart the vacuum bag and exhausting all other options I'm pretty sure my new cat ate them. I'm going to go sift through several days worth of cat shit now. FML

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By peneloperigby - United Kingdom

Today, my mother called to say that my 11-year-old nephew found my secret stash of nipple tassels, furry hand cuffs, and a bottle of lube. He doesn't want to visit me anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - Russian Federation

Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML

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By Tanny

Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML

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By jlujan00 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This is how I discovered that my dog's favorite snack appears to be used condoms. FML

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By Viciousvixen_21 - United States

Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, I walked in on my flatmate squatting over the bathroom scales, completely naked. When I asked what he was doing, he replied very seriously, "weighing my testicles, you should try it sometime, if they're too heavy you may have cancer". I'm a girl. FML

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Top comments

By Ellimac21 | 11

#7818737 - Saturday 6 July 2019 20:50

What the fuck is wrong with people ?! It's fucking dangerous to do that ! I once read a similar story : a girl was kidnapped as a prank by her friends who gagged her. Except she had a cold and couldn't breath by the nose... She almost died of asphyxia.

By riley873 | 21

#7818725 - Saturday 6 July 2019 20:14

you need new friends ASAGDMFP

COMMENTS

By cheshireau | 26

#7818724 - Saturday 6 July 2019 20:06

This sounds like the plot of Jawbreaker minus the Jawbreaker

By riley873 | 21

#7818725 - Saturday 6 July 2019 20:14

you need new friends ASAGDMFP

By Ellimac21 | 11

#7818737 - Saturday 6 July 2019 20:50

What the fuck is wrong with people ?! It's fucking dangerous to do that ! I once read a similar story : a girl was kidnapped as a prank by her friends who gagged her. Except she had a cold and couldn't breath by the nose... She almost died of asphyxia.

By TomeDr | 21

#7818752 - Saturday 6 July 2019 22:53

If this REALLY happened then you need to file charges.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7818784 - Sunday 7 July 2019 0:31

Happy birthday to you...

By blondie45 | 21

#7818850 - Sunday 7 July 2019 8:26

Those are not friends.

By SimplyAStudent | 11

#7818976 - Sunday 7 July 2019 18:39

they are not friends. drop them and get new ones who actually care for your well being

By Mary Cameron Demetriou | 3

#7819065 - Monday 8 July 2019 4:34

It’s funnier because I know exactly where this is from 😂

Reply

sietseld | 13

#7819692 - Wednesday 10 July 2019 5:29

I live near both a PFChangs and an I-275 so I am wondering!!

By Mightytall | 35

#7819112 - Monday 8 July 2019 9:06

These people are not your friends.

By thisisbutaname | 38

#7819118 - Monday 8 July 2019 9:25

WTF? I get pranks and such, but you have to know when to stop. And that is before leaving someone tied in a car trunk for 9 damn hours!