Today, my friend and I decided to wear a new red lipstick. The... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 18:34 - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to wear a new red lipstick. The guy I like turned around, looked at her and said, "Red is a really interesting, sexy color. Pretty bold. Not bad." and he smiled. I waited, smiling also, only for him frown and say, "Your teeth are REALLY yellow." FML

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Great boyfriend

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Not a cheating!

By Anonymous - 2/2/2016 10:06 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I got to work and saw a new desk had been setup on stilts. 'Oh, who got the standing desk?' I asked. Turns out it's for the guy in the wheelchair who was right behind me. It needs to be high so the controls of his wheelchair can fit under the desk. FML

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By YeahWhatOkay - 9/2/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I looked at the facebook of the girl I really liked, and I saw she wrote on her friend's wall "Last night was the biggest mistake of my life." We hooked up last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 16:01

Checked out

Today, at work, an old lady was staring at my crotch a lot. I looked down, thinking maybe I had an open fly. I didn't. FML

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By yamuda - 11/5/2016 23:24 - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my dad peeing into a cup. We made eye contact and he quickly threw the cup into the sink. Not one word has been spoken about what happened, and I saw my mom use the same cup later on that day. FML

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By TheLifguard95 - 26/4/2016 23:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought that working as a lifeguard I would be saving lives, rescuing people and things along those lines. What do I get told to do on my first shift? Clean all the fecal matter and hair out the pool. I almost threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2018 14:00

Today, I woke up from celebrating my 29th birthday. I guess it's true that tolerance drops quickly as you age, because I stayed in and only drank a few beers with my husband and spent the entire day retching so hard I puked up blood. My partying days are definitely over. FML

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By "Jam2019" - 15/2/2019 14:00

Today, despite using the bathroom before I left my house, then at the bus station 10 minutes later, I still had to get off my bus halfway into my hour long journey to pee in a back alley or I would have wet myself. I'm 24 and this has happened twice in the last week. FML

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By cait - 30/4/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML

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By cjbutterfly96 - 17/12/2015 15:54 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy for the second time, and he was helping me buy a Christmas present for my dad. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, he was gone. He left me alone and took my dad's present with him. FML

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By notmarryingyou - 10/9/2014 17:16 - United States - Bothell

Today, I started a new job. Three of my Kenyan coworkers keep getting together and reminding me that having more than one wife is okay in their country. I've gotten 3 marriage proposals from married men so far. FML

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By visn - 17/6/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, a real estate agent showed my house to some buyers. I found out when I exited the shower, fully nude, to them in the hallway. FML

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By sounds good mom - 14/6/2016 15:23 - United States - Katy

Today, my mom took away my car, phone, dog, laptop and college fund because I told her she lets me down sometimes. I'm moving to Arizona for college in two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2017 20:00 - United States - Jackson

Today, a woman came into my life and took all I had left in the world. The woman was my hair stylist. She took my hair and the last of my money. FML

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By Shaun - 16/6/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

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By apowell5 - 2/10/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to try and get answers about the numbness and tingling in my right leg. The Dr told me I was too fat for my pants, and I pinched a nerve. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2019 00:01

Freak out!

Today, I woke up with a high fever. My two year-old decided today was the day she would have one of the largest tantrums she’s ever had and threw yogurt all over the newly-refinished floor, my fiancé, myself and our cat Sebastian. Sebastian was not impressed. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 20:00

"Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger…"

Today, my wife wants a divorce. Apparently, she only married me for my potential, since my twin brother is a lawyer, she hoped I’d become a success as well, but since I’m content to be a carpenter, she considers me a disappointment and a failure. FML

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By haappynewyear - 1/1/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, I got into a nasty fight, and ended up leaving with a black eye. The fight was with a champagne bottle cork. I was opening the bottle to celebrate the New Year, at home, alone. FML

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By middleagednurse - 14/1/2015 17:49 - United States - Miami

Today, my husband bought me XL pajamas for my birthday. I got really angry, telling him that's obviously not my size. I tried them on just to show him how ridiculous they look. They fit. FML

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By Where is the faith in Humanity - 7/11/2013 23:08 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

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By Gem - 5/4/2013 11:04 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I carried flat-packed boxes home from work to move my things into a new apartment. Whilst walking down the street, the wind kept blowing and spinning me round. A crowd eventually gathered, mistaking me for a street performer. Nobody helped or even threw me any loose change. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2013 16:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to let me know that she almost left me for another guy not so long ago, because he was more handsome and talented than me. The reason she didn't leave: "He's out of my league; you're not." FML

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By rent-a-cop - 5/5/2013 04:28 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2018 03:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I am engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML

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By dreefsa - 5/2/2012 08:08 - United States

Today, some guy hit my car and then threatened to sue me for "parking my car in such a way that it was impossible not to hit it." My car was in the driveway. FML

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By llostinreality - 30/9/2018 07:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 21:23 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

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By homeless - 14/12/2010 18:41 - United States

Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML

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By grenade - 17/7/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, I was at a club with my friends, when a group of guys approached us. It got quiet for a second, and I heard one of them say, "It's okay, I've got the fat one this time," then walk over and start talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2015 22:31 - United States

Today, while swimming in my neighborhood pool, I noticed what looked like several cigarettes resting at the bottom and decided to investigate. Turns out it was actually just a used, bloody tampon that had spent enough time underwater to be broken into multiple pieces, and spread across the pool. FML

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By H4rd_Man - 1/11/2009 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I came back home to meet people before going away to university, including my ex and her new boyfriend. We broke up about two months ago and there were no bad feelings between us, so I decided to have a chat with them. I asked "How long have you been going out?" He replied "Seven months." FML

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By noxiffic - 31/10/2014 12:31 - Norway - Sandnes

Today, as I was walking home from work, I got chased halfway home by a wolf. Yes, a wolf. I live in central Norway. FML

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By Skidaddle123 - 23/8/2011 16:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to switch my glass of coke with a glass of pure vinegar. FML

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By megangubler - 26/5/2014 22:34 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

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By big_bail - 3/4/2015 23:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to the annual family reunion. The reason? Everyone thinks I'm "creepy" because I'm the only adult who will go out and play with the kids. FML

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By justwantingtohelp - 16/8/2013 05:02 - United States - Highland

Today, a child was choking in the store I work at. He was alone in the aisle, so I started the Heimlich without his parents' permission. After dislodging what was caught, his mother turned the corner and went screaming to my manager for touching her kid. I got a write up. FML

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By anonymous - 11/4/2011 03:26

Today, we had a tornado warning and I told my parents I loved them, just in case. My dad just said "see you in Kansas". FML

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By rinakitty94 - 29/6/2015 17:30 - United States - Sunset

Today, my fiancé heard I was having a rotten day at work. He stopped by the flower shop and bought me a lovely rose which I put right next to my work station. That is until a giant wasp flew out and stung me. I still have a swollen arm hours later. FML

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By RohnAbheek - 21/8/2011 17:36 - India

Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she arrived, I popped a viagra to spice things up. She then informed me that she was on her period and didn't feel comfortable doing it. I had a headache and a massive boner all night. FML

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By Señor Guapo - 4/3/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML

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Top comments

By Damarys | 0

#215376 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:19

Firstly, I think red is a really sexy color no matter the woman. But unfortunately, it's only magazine-pretty if you have fabulous white teeth.

By rssffff08 | 0

#215385 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:20

crest white strips work miracles

Comments

By Damarys | 0

#215376 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:19

Firstly, I think red is a really sexy color no matter the woman. But unfortunately, it's only magazine-pretty if you have fabulous white teeth.

Reply

fatalkiss | 0

#935056 - Thursday 11 March 2010 5:52

red lipstick just looks weird now idk.

OP, he sounds gay...what straight guy makes comments like tht?

Reply

ronton | 4

#1051865 - Thursday 1 July 2010 17:35

what is this the bachelor? jesus

Reply

lucy9897 | 6

#3167912 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 20:53

I think OP should have said this:

Guy: Your teeth are REALLY yellow.
OP: Yeah? Well your FACE is REALLY yellow!
(walks out leaving guy with confused expression)

Reply

foodlord | 5

#3400326 - Friday 7 October 2011 10:40

My teeth are really yellow so I kno how u feel... But it's bcoz I hav a calcium defect or sumfing

Reply

01sparkly | 15

#5265846 - Friday 21 December 2012 0:53

That's why I smile with my mouth closed

Reply

BamBAmGG | 14

#6209497 - Sunday 22 February 2015 7:34

I think he's just a fucking wanker for saying something to ruin her ego and self confidence in the first place. If you have nothing nice to say to someone, don't say anything at all. Why is that so hard for some people to comprehend?

Reply

The_Unlucky1 | 19

#6567864 - Saturday 26 March 2016 19:23

I believe is because all of the makeup makes the red stand out more.

By rssffff08 | 0

#215385 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:20

crest white strips work miracles

By Damarys | 0

#215388 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:20

whoops, double post. my bad

By Emilaaay_alexa | 0

#215391 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:21

Well, he was a dick, but YDI for not brushing your teeth. :x

Reply

carlomanden | 5

#5056469 - Thursday 18 October 2012 17:41

That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with brushing.

Reply

kyliebear | 15

#5204287 - Saturday 1 December 2012 15:09

^^^ agreed. It could be your diet. Some foods and drinks cause your teeth to turn yellow :

By GDinNJ | 0

#215392 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:21

Wow...that's actually surprising, just because most people I know wouldn't actually say that out loud. Unless, of course, you're really close friends with him. Huh, well, yeah, FYL. As #2 said, try the Crest white strips.

By ArtsySwag | 0

#215401 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:22

Whatever happened to the "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all" rule? What a jerk :(.

By soundmind311 | 0

#215406 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:24

maybe you should brush ur teeth then...

By sarahlee123 | 0

#215411 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:24

#7 is right,
but still brush your damn teeth girl!
seriously!

By _HollieWould | 0

#215420 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:25

LMAO
ya use some crest whitestrips guuurl!
looks good with red lipstick =)

By Button_x | 0

#215434 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 23:28

#4 Most times people's teeth are just LIKE that. It has nothing to do with "not brushing", it's just the normal color of most teeth. -_-